Thursday, November 29, 2012
Today at work, Jess asked me to translate for her the expression "Beam me up". That was actually the first time I heard that expression so I tried to figure what it could mean. The translation I came up with was: "Fourre-moi", which means "Fuck me".
I really don't know if that's what it means. But I told her that I guess the beam is the penis, so "Beam me up" means "Fuck me". She was shocked and couldn't believe that she had been signing this all morning. I said "What is it a song?" And she said yes.
She was still not sure of my translation so I really mimicked the action of being "beamed up" and I did as if I caught a penis behind me and stick it in my butt. I realized what I was doing a few seconds too late :) Hahaha!! I don't know if she realized what I was doing, I was not expecting to do this at all!! Anyways, it made me laugh a lot.
Later in the day, we're a group of people during the break and Jess says I'm a big pervert who is obsessed with sex!! She explains that she asked me a translation and that it was sexual, but that she also asked another guy who told her it was a reference to a Star Trek catchphrase and that she preferred that explanation to mine. I was still not convinced :)
Anyways, it was a lot of fun, but I still don't know if I was right or not. I found out tonight that it's a Pink song. But, come on, she also has a song titled "Blow me".... so I'm sure my explanation is very good!
Thanks to all of those who shared what they liked about men in my previous post, I will come back to it soon with what I like about men.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Linkin Park - Shadow of the day
I just love that kind of songs
Muse - Madness
More Muse! I love their music
The Smashing Pumpkins - Ava Adore
Yes, I was a teenager in the 90's :) This song is best listenend with a high volume.
Justin Timberlake - Sexy back
I'm not particularly a fan of this kind of music, but I like this one.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
I have noticed how willing I am to talk about what is happening to me with my "real world" friends. The first one I talked about my shopping adventure was actually Janice, even if we have not yet officially ended our disagreement. It's not that I wanted to tell it specifically to her, but I wanted to talk about it the day after I met the selesman and she was the first I met on MSN Messenger.
I figured that since she's a girl, she would love to gossip about i anyways and that it would be good for our "friendship". I told her what happened, but she rapidly had to leave, but I told her that she could talk about it to Jack.
During the week, I really wanted to talk about it to Jack and I was even mad when I couldn't go as far as I wanted (because of various restrictions). Luckily, I could finally meet him last Sunday and I got to tell him all the story from beginning to the fact that I had discovered that my salesman had a girlfriend and that I still wanted to try to meet Prospect #1.
I really surprised myself at how easy for me it was to tell all this and also mostly how much I wanted to simply talk about it. Only a few months ago I would have thought that I would have wanted to keep my crush a secret. But it is not the case at all. That is definitely something positive in my life at the moment.
A less positive aspect of my life at the moment is actually not happening to me. The thing is that I open up on the chat room too and I meet new friends. So far so good! I get to talk about myself and my friends talk about themselves. However, for two of them, they're having real hard times right now. I believe they are way too hard on themselves and I try to convince them that they are good people. But it's really hard to do simply by chat. By opening up to them, they have opened up to me, but I can't help them the way they need to be helped and that saddes me. I wish I could be beside them and give them big huggs, but it is not possible. There's an imbalance between my opening up and my ability to help people and it's hard to manage.
Finally, on a more positive note, I came out to one of my coworkers today. I invited her for lunch and I told her I was gay in the parking of the restaurant before entering. Her reaction was: "What, is it only that you wanted to tell me?" (When I invited her, I told her I wanted to explain her why I had been weird sometimes in the past). My answer was that no, it's not only that I wanted to tell her, but it was the explanation of my weird behavior from the fall of 2011. She had noticed how weird I was around the time I came out to my parents, so I was happy to finally tell her what had been going on.
We had a really good lunch together, it was really fun to talk about my life to her and she was really happy for me to accept who I am and she was also happy that I simply told her. I told her about the whole shopping "situation" and that I do want to be in a relationship. We also talked about the next girl I want to come out to at work before "spilling the beans" to everyone. We talked about how I could tell her and it was really funny. It's the girl I have already mentioned who has a fixation about gays, so we had a lot of material to find out how I could tell her I'm gay.
Maybe tomorrow I'll go back to the store for more "shopping adventures" and a scarf!! I hope something positive can come out of it.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
No, I didn't go back yet to the store. But, there have been some developments.
After my initial meeting with the salesman, since he had given me his first name, I had of course looked for him on facebook!! Sadly, I had not found his profile (even if I tried different spellings of his name)
Yesterday, I decided to try again, just in case!!
It turns out I easily found him!! I suppose that he has modified his name in the meantime, cause I saw a pic of him that was posted in February (meaning that he didn't create his account during the week).
Anyways, his profile is private, which means that I only have access to his profile pic and his cover pic.
His cover picture is him kissing a girl on the mouth... (sad grin)
So, I guess at best (for me), he's bisexual. But, he has a grilfriend at the moment so he's totally unavailable for me. (I can only think that the girl he's kissing is his actual girlfriend!!)
When I saw the pic, I was not mad or frustrated or desperate... Just a bit sad. He's really a nice guy and I would have liked if we could have become boyfriends!
I guess I'm back to square 1.... or maybe square 2. If you remember, when I went to the boutique last week, it was because I wanted to meet another of the salesman (Prospect #1). I still think he's cute and there are high possibilities that this guy is actually gay ( but yet again, it's based on streotypes! ).
It's a kind of an awkward situation for me, because if I go back to the store and they're both there, I don't want to ignore prospect #2 and jump on prospect #1.
Actually, I'm thinking to go back to the store when only prospect #2 is there and since he's probably not interested at all, I could ask him if there is any guy in his entourage that could be a good fit with me. That should be easier to ask him than to ask him to go out with me. If prospect #1 is gay, he probably knows it and he could try to set something up for us... why not?
Friday, November 16, 2012
I had an excellent plan!!
I realized late Saturday night that there was a mistake on my invoice for the items I had purchased at the store. I had paid more than I should have. So, that was the perfect excuse for me to go back to the store and get to talk to my maybe-interested-in-me-salesman.
I wanted to get to see him when there would be not too many people in the store. So I thought that on lunchtime would be a good time. Of course, I had no idea of his schedule, so it was a guessing game.
Monday, I made sure to bring the invoice with me at work so I could get to the mall on lunchtime. I went to the store, but he was not there.
Tuesday, same story.
Wednesday, I went back with the invoice in my pocket again. He was there. And there was only another saleswoman with him and there was no other customer. Surprisingly, I went without hesitation. I entered in the store and the girl welcomed me, while the guy didn't have any particular reaction. I went to talk to the guy and explain him that there was a mistake on my invoice. So we looked together at the 4 items in question and we looked at them around the store to make sure that I was not wrong. Unfortunately, he wasn't as chatty as the other day and didn't really seem to have any interest in me. In the end, I was right about the error on the invoice, so the made me a credit note and got the reimbursment on my credit card. I had to sign my name and write my phone number on the store's copy for their files. I thought about a few lines, but didn't say anything. I was not nervous, I was just unable to do the next step...
After the transaction was done, I told him that I would have to come back to purchase a scarf to go with my new coat. He said that he receives new clothes every wednesdays, so its probably the best day to come. It was said in a serious manner. It was time for me to go or to dive.... I simply thanked him, calling him by his name. He remembered my name with a bit of hesitation. We shook hands and all the while of this little departure chat, I was looking directly in his eyes, trying to catch something, or at least show that I'm interested. I didn't see anything particular in his eyes :(
So I left, being frustrated at myself to not have been able to dive when I really had the perfect opportunity to get to chat with him some more and try to be flirty.
I hoped that maybe he would pick my number and call me. But as of today (Friday), he has not called me. I'm not ready to abandon the idea that I can get to know this guy more. I have to know if he's gay or not. I have to let a few days pass and I may come back with another plan that seems not too bad in my mind right now. I just need to give myself some time...
In the last 2 days, I have had time to think about why I blocked to try to flirt with him and I think I have found the answer. I fear that I would be humiliated if I flirt with him but he says that he's not gay at all. I would feel so naive and stupid... It would be way better for me if he tells me that he already has a boyfriend. But if he's not gay, I would feel diminished and really fooled. I'm sure that if I was 100% sure that he's gay, it would be much easier for me. I guess thats every gay's biggest problem.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
I've been on a small rollercoaster of emotions the recent days.
Last Thursday I had decided to creat an account on a dating site that I had seen had a few guys from my region. Once logged in, I realized that on average, they had not logged in for about 2 years!! That was a bummer. So I decided to create an account on another site. Then again, there is nobody from my region. Bigger bummer.
On Friday night, I was a bit depressed about it even if I recognized that I was being impatient.
On Saturday morning, I remembered that there was a guy who works in the local mall who I think is cute and is probably gay (I know, stereotypes.... but I have no gaydar at all!!) So with a lot of fear and the support from some friends on the gay chat room, I decided to go see the guy and try something.
I went to the mall and arrived in front of his boutique (a clothes' boutique). I saw he was there, but there were also at least 3 other "salesman/woman" and a few customers so I was really intimidated. I think I panicked and I decided to go back in my car to breath. I stayed there for 30 minutes before entering in the mall again. There were less customers so eventually I decided to enter.
Of course, there was a flaw in my plan, as it is not the guy I wanted to see that approached me to help me with my shopping, but another one!! But, as a consolation, that new guy was really hot! I was trying to get glimpses at the guy I went there to see, but he doesn't really cared about me (I thought maybe he could have recognized me but maybe not... he didn't show interest in me at all). So I started looking at different pieces of clothes for the upper body. The hot guy was very nice with me and when I noticed his butt, I started to forget the other guy LOL.
It turns out that I think that the hot guy was trying to flirt with me.... but I'm not 100% sure. He was touching me a bit more than the usual salesman. But, what rang the alarm in my head was when he was trying to convince me to buy a winter jacket. I said no and to try to convince me a last time, he said "Maybe if I do the pretty eyes to you??" And he did the pretty eyes!!! After that he laughed to show that he was joking, but still... I've asked a lot of people if there is a chance that he's straight if he did that and most would be shocked if he turns out to be straight.
In the end, I purchased 5 items and it cost me quite a bit!!! But, after I had paid, he gave me the 2 bags of clothes and asked my name! (That has never happened to me before!! There must really be something going on with that guy!!) So I gave him my name and he return he told me his. He thanked me for my time shopping and I thanked him for helping me. Then, I left. I guess I should have tried to push things but I was just so surprised by everything....
Again, the fact that he asked my name, for those I asked, it seems like a big signs that he's interested in me. I seriously don't know because I have no idea how the seduction signs work!!
So yesterday night I was quite happy!!! I went shopping for a guy, but in the end, I picked another guy ( he picked me actually) and bought some clothes. I had a smile on my face all night long yesterday.
Since I don't want him to forget me, I know I have to make a move soon. I decided to go back to the mall today. Sadly, my plan was not good at all, so I didn't meet him, even if I saw he was there. I try not to be so hard on myself about it. I think I'm getting better now.
My shopping is not over :) I'll try to go back this week. I really don't know what his schedule is and I want to see him when there is not a lot of people around. I'll go on y lunchtimes, hoping that he's there and that nobody shops clothes on lunchtime! Did I mention that apart from being very cute, he's also very sweet and nice and adorable??
So, what do you guys think?? What are the odds that he's interested in me??
(to be continued when something happens!!)
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
If I was with Mr Dream Man, I would get to see this every morning!
I found a perfect man!!
Sounds nice hey!?
Even nicer, my dream man thinks of me as his dream man.
It's perfect, right???
Well, not so.... the thing is, a relationship between us is impossible. Well, not the kind of relationship that I look for. A relationship in which I could be the lover I want to be (as described in "What kind of lover am I?")
So what does that all mean?? It means that before we could develop too strong feelings for one another, we decided to put a break on certain things. We decided to stay friends.
If I start from the beginning, we met about 10 days ago and 2 days later, that's when we decided to stay friends. It's worked perfectly so far, I can say that I have found a very good friend.
He even has met someone else and I am truly very happy for him.
So I would say that yes I am sad that things cannot work between us. We really like each other and I really think he could be a perfect man for me. But at the same time, I'm happy to have made a great friend. Also, it was the first time that a guy showed interest in me and it was the first time that I met a guy with whom I would love to build a relationship. It's kind of a learning experience. I learned that it is possible for me to find love. Of course I knew all of that, but to come so close to it for the first time, it just leaves me with a very good feeling.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
That's a feeling I experience more and more.
Before coming out and having contact with other gay guys, I pretty much hid a lot of things to other people. I didn't express myself as much as the other guys when came time to talk about what we like.
Any other guy comfortable in his skin will proudly express his feelings when comes time to talk about what turns him on, what girl / guy he likes etc....
That is something I have been learning to do and I must say that I enjoy it.
Expressing myself on my blog, interacting with my readers, making friends with other bloggers, getting involved in a gay chat room, going to LGBT meetings.... These are all positive things that allow me to express who I am and feel like any other guy.
I feel normal!! I like to think that I am different from the others, but it also feels nice to think that I'm also just like any other guy.
The other day, we were in a party (the one depicted in "Refriending") and Jess said that every guy, because thay have a dick, always think about sex. Jack turned to me and said: "Do you always think about sex JF ?" (It is not a topic I talk alot about!!). My answer was: "Yes! Of course" If I had been less drunk, my mind would also have made me say: "It's not because I don't talk about it that I don't think about it!" I guess even my friends think that I'm not like any other guy, but surely this will change in the future!!!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
I went to the LGBT meeting tonight. It was better than last time. The subjects of conversations were more varied and also the people were more mature. The 3 girls from the other day were not there and there were 2 new guys, plus the new host (he couldn't make it the first time).
It was nice, made me want to come back again.
One of the things that I will remember, was when one of the guys said that half of the guys in the construction program at his school are gay. I'm like: "Whoaattt!! that's exciting!!!"
Also last week, there were a few young electricians working at my workplace and they were very cute and sexy.... I was lucky enough to see them a lot because they were working right in front of my office!! They really had nice butts!! Haha!! I really hoped at least one of them could hit on me... but it didn't happen.
On another topic, I convinced my friends to throw a party this weekend!! Saturday afternoon, we're gonna play a golf game on a video game and after that dinner and more partying. That will be a great day!!