Someone's got a good gaydar...

I took a walk with my friend Janice yesterday night and I came out to her.  She didn't believe that I was gay.  I had to confirm it a few times.  Now here's the interesting part.  She told me that her brother, who happens to be gay, had told her that he was pretty sure that I was gay.  She told him that no, I was very straight, that I was not gay at all.  But, he still had his doubts.

So now I'm curious... what did I do to make him think I was gay ??  He's the first person I know of who thought that.  But more importantly: why was Janice so sure that I was so straight??  What did I do for her to evaluate me and be sure I was straight ??  I'll have to ask both of them that's for sure. 

I feel a bit "ashamed" to be happy to know that she was so sure I was not gay.  I have never given importance to be straight-acting or gay-acting.  So why do I give it some importance now?  I feel like I'm playing the stereotype game and I don't like that.

I'm also looking forward to talk to Jack again about my homosexuality, since our conversation was cut short the last time.  I think we will both learn a few things when we talk about it.

 

Revisiting my blog... and my life

Tonight, I decided to read all what I have written on my blog.  I wanted to see how I would react to it.  I have to say that it was not as intense as I would have thought.  I had a few tears reading my coming out to my parents and also a few shivers when reading about my coming out to my cousin Sandy.

However, for the most part, I didn't react a lot. 

It makes me think...  Maybe, as I have come to accept myself and have successfully come out to the most important persons in my life, I have distanced myself from my past and the fears I had.  It seems like I am really looking ahead, going forward. 

I can't help but think that it is a good thing.

I feel at peace and I am happy.  I don't know what life will bring me next, but I am looking forward to it.

Turnarounds

I sometimes feel like that

found on http://www.iamtypecast.com/2011/06/sigh-of-relief.html

Thanks for those who took some time to cheer me up after yesterday's post.  I needed to vent and my mind was not clear.  The post was called "I hate that feeling" for 2 reasons: because it was not the first time that I felt it and also because it is "only" a feeling.  I reckon that it is not because I feel something that it is the reality. I had way too much things going on in my head that I hoped that a good night sleep would be beneficial.

Things got even faster than I thought. After I wrote my post,  I went on MSN Messenger to see if my friend Jack was there (he's the one who told me things that were rude to me).  I wanted to ask him if I could borrow his hedge trimmer.  He was there so I asked him.  He told me something like "Sure, it will be a pleasure, just call me before."  That calmed my mind, because he did not seem to hold any bad feeling towards me.

This morning, before I got there to borrow his trimmer, I told myself that I needed to talk to him about how I felt.  I went and borrowed his trimmer, but I didn't tell him.  This afternoon, I had finished my trimming job so I went back to Jack's to give him back and to spend some time with him and his family, like I often do on weekends.  It happened that we ended up only the 2 of us, so I decided to talk to him.  Here is how it went.

Me: I have something to tell you, but I feel stupid because I think I'm being paranoid.

Jack: (jokingly) So you think you're crazy?

Me: No, it's about yesterday. you know when you were talking about (that subject), the way you said it, it may not be that you meant to do it, but I felt like you thought I was stupid and that you were trying to ridiculize me.

Jack: No, I'm sorry you felt like that, I did not mean to ridiculize you.

We talked some more about it, going back to where it had started earlier in the week and in the end, I understood that he didn't mean to be mean.  So that was first thing settled.

We also talked about how the events unfolded yesterday (what made me think that my friends were doing plans without me) and I realized that there were actually no plans, things had just happened the way they did. 

We went outside and I wondered if I would come out to him.  I didn't feel it, and I had the feeling that it would be better later in the night.  (This is not the first time that I mention this.  I think that the tranquility of the night eases things for me). 

So the afternoon flew by, we went to the market to buy food and we had a great dinner (me, Jack, Janice and their daughter).  Later in the night we had planned on watching a movie.  But Janice and their daughter went to see their neighbour, so it was only me and Jack in the living room, waiting for them to come back.  We didn't talk much, as I was thinking of coming out to him, trying to find some lines to start it up.  Jack was getting tired and he was in a semi-awake state.  That gave me an idea of how to start it.  My heartrate was already high for the 15 minutes or so that had elapsed since we were alone and that I was thinking about it.  I finally began:

Me: Are you still getting sleepy?

Jack: Yes

Me: Do you want me to tell you something that will keep you awake?

Jack: (suspicious face)

Me: It's actually something that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time...  I'm gay.

Once again, I don't clearly remember what happened after that and in what order.  He told me that it would change absolutely nothing for him.  I replied that that's what I had thought, but that it's still a hard thing to do.  I told him that I wanted to tell Janice in person so I didn't want him to tell her.  He said that he would not announce it to anyone.  I also specified that when Janice would know, they could talk about it together, but please not tell their daughter, because I don't want her to shout the news to everyone (she's only 8 but already very gossippy...).  I said that I wanted to manage who knows it before to be really open about it with everyone.  He again said that he really understood and that he would respect my wishes.  He asked me a few classical questions, but our discussion ended abruptly when Janice and their daughter came back to watch the movie. 

So that's pretty much all the turnarounds that happened today in regard to the things that happened or didn't happen during the last 2 weeks.  I'm glad that things are not as bad as I thought they were yesterday.  I'm also very happy to have made another step by telling my best friend I'm gay and that he's cool with it.

I hate that feeling

I hate when it seems like my friendships are drifting away.  I hate when my friends act to make me look stupid.  I hate when my friends forget that I exist.  I hate when my friends make plans without me.

I hate how it affects me so much.  I hate that I feel so disoriented about it.  I hate that I fear their reaction if I openly talk to them about it.  I hate to not understand what is going on.  I hate to not be able to trust my friends.

And it hurts that it happens when I so deeply want to show them who I really am.

A missed opportunity, a hot day and a gay talk in the garden

No need to say I envy them

I'm feeling quite better than last thursday when I did my other post, even if I didn't come out uring the weekend.  I could almost do it on Friday night.  After I ended my day at the job, I went to the liquor store to buy some alcohol because I wanted to drink with my friends (it was another hot day and .... oh and I don't need excuses to drink haha!). So after that I went to my best friends Jack and Janice's home.  Another firend of ours (Jessica) arrived and we began to drink.  Than we had dinner and after that we resumed our drinking.  At the end of the evening, Jessica had left and Jack noticed that I was not in a state to drive and I agreed. He offered me to sleep in his home for the night and I accepted.  I can't say I was drunk, but I'm very careful about drinking and driving.  So we were outside and it was a perfect temperature.  I was staring at the night sky and I felt so well.  I thought that it was a good moment to come out to my friends, or at least one of them.  The thing is, I never got to be alone with one of them!  Janice's father was there too and when he went inside to sleep, than it was their daughter who spent some time with me (she didn't understand why I was alone outside).  I was hoping for her to go inside, so that when Jack would come outside (at this point I was sure Janice would not go back outside), I could have a talk with him.  When Jack came outside, he told me that he was going to sleep because he was really tired and had a big day the following day.  I hesitated to ask him to stay a bit... but his daughter was still there so in the end, I reluctantly got inside with them to go to sleep.  It's sad that I couldn't make it that night because I felt so much at peace and I think it's easier to have deep conversations under a night sky.

I had hoped that on saturday morning I would find some time to talk to Jack and/or Janice, but it was really not the case.  So I went back to my house to prepare for the pool party at my colleague's house.  It was already really hot early in the morning so I couldn't wait to go there and be in the water.

The party was really cool, we were 7 adults and there were 4 kids between 2 and 5.  I went in the pool 3 times (I can't remember the last time I did that) and had fun in and out of the pool with the kids, which is always cool.  We had BBQ for dinner and it was succulent.  The day ended with a fire and marshmallows and it was really cool.  I really had a nice hot day.  I wish there were more days like that :)

Today I felt tired all day long.  I'm not sure if it's because of the time spent under the sun yestersay.  So I was taking a nap this afternoon when my mom called me.  She asked me to come earlier for the usual Sunday family dinner, because she wanted me to help her harvest the curants she has in her garden. I love the pies she makes with it so I had offered her to help her do the harvest in exchange of some pies (I really love the sweet and sour taste of it).

So there I went and joined my mom who was already in the garden.  It didn't take long before she asked me if I told my cousin Sandy I was gay when I had went to see her.  I told her that I did and I explained her how it went.  After that, I asked her what she had meant the other day when she asked me not to tell my grandmother that I was gay.  It had sounded like she was about to die and that she didn't have to know before she died.  She told that it was not the case, but she thinks that she wouldn't like it (to have a gay grandson).  I asked her why she thinks that and the reason is that one time, she had seen 2 guys on a reality show who were actually brothers.  My grandmother thought that they were a couple, so she had called them faggots (fifi in french).  I told her that even if it's a harsh word, for her it was maybe just a way to say "gay".  It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't accept gays or hates them or something.  So the situation was better than I had expected.

After that, I asked her if she and my father had talked about my homosexuality since my coming out last October. She told me they didn't.  I was very surprised.  My mother told me that my dad didn't bring the topic to her (but she didn't do it neither).  She told me that the only occurence was after my dad's appointment with his doctor.  When he was asked what had happened in the last year, he told his doctor that he learned I was gay. 

So it may be a taboo or maybe they're unsure about when/how to talk about it.  But I think they're really OK with me being gay.  Of course my mother told me (again) that maybe if I had tried with a girl, I would see things differently.  But I replied that I know I'd be better with a boy than a girl.  We then talked about my visits to the sex couselor.  She asked me if it had helped me or if it had made me more confused.  I said that it helped me.  Finally, she asked me if I was going to find a boyfriend soon and I told her that I was not there yet.  She reminded me that I don't have to have sex the first night !!!  I reminded her that I know how to say no if I need to.  She also told me to have safe sex, which I replied that I was really aware of it.  A mom is always a mom, isn't she !?!  Finally, she told me that when I would bring a boyfriend, she was not sure how she or my father would react, that it could be awkward.  I said that it was OK and that it wouldn't be a problem for me. And I reminded her that my father seemed pretty comfortable with the idea when I came out to them.  In the end, I think it's just cool that her advices show that she's envisionning my future relationship(s) like any "straight" relationships.

So that's how the weekend went and hopefully I can find some time to talk with my friends this week.

When will I be over and done with it?

I'm talking about coming out.  So far I've come out a total of 4 times, to a total of 5 persons.  I want to be completely out sooner than later, but I also want to tell personnally to people who are close to me, in a certain order of priority.  Maybe I make things more complicated than they should be.  Maybe not.  Coming out is a very personnal process and I need to do it this way.  But it's hard some times to find a good moment (I'm not even looking for THE good moment, as that would really be too slow).  I wanted to tell my 2 best friends (they're a couple) tonight.  I was happy about it.  But when I arrived at their home, they weren't there.  So I prepared all day for nothing (not that I really prepared for it, but I thought about it a few times and that always saps some energy).  It takes energy to come out and I would like to use my energy for something else, like finding a boyfriend.

So I wish to tell them tomorrow.  It will be an important step, because the guy works with me and I don't want to make him keep the secret for too long before I come out at work.  So I hope that things will happen fast after that and I think it will be a better situation to have everyone know instead of a few "privileged" ones.

On a happier note, I convinced one of my coworker to throw a pool party this weekend so we should have a lot of fun.  Maybe if I get too drunk I will unwillingly (or not) share my secret...

Pool party song

About: Sexuality

Being gay brings a guy to question a lot of things.  It also brings him to to try to conciliate his difference with what is widely accepted as "normal". (But being able to conciliate the difference doesn't mean that he doesn't embrace it as well.)

Over the last months, I have come to wonder about sexuality.  What is it exactly ? How should it be expressed? Can a sexual orientation be wrong?

Here is the fruit of my thinking.

                                                                ..........

Sex: the sexual act, not to mix up with sexuality.

Sexuality:  I see it as the way people have intimate bonds.

Why do people need to have intimate bonds?  Because that's the kind of animals we are.  Humans are social and sexual beasts.  Apart from a few exceptions, we need to live in groups and we need sexual connection not only during the love (reproduction) season, but all year long.  That's what we are, and I believe many people are quite happy about that.  So, we are made to have intimate bonds, therefore we are meant to live sexuality.

Now, I'll deconstruct my definition of sexuality.

Intimacy:  I see it as the deepest emotional and physical aspects of a person.

Bond: a close relationship between 2 persons or more.  There are many ways to achieve that and many are non-sexual:  family, friends, team...  None of the previous types of bonds satisfies both the deepest emotional and physical needs of a person.  Only the sexual bond can bring that (even though sometimes it doesn't...  but I suppose in these cases, there is no real bond, just sex).  To me, the intimate bond (and therefore sexuality) is a close relationship that allows two or more persons to share their deepest emotional and physical aspects. 

Oh, and by the way, what arouses me the most in both male-male and male-female sexual activities is when the intimate bond is at its pinnacle.

Sexual orientation:   I see it as the way a person expresses his sexuality.  I see it as the way a person expresses his humanity  (I don't want to say that asexual people are not human... I have not reflected on asexuality). 

Some people share intimate bonds with same sex partner(s), others with opposite sex partner(s), others with both sex partner(s).  That's human, that's the kind of animal we are.  We're social and sexual beasts and we have to express it.  Whatever the mean... who cares, as long as everyone involved is consenting??  There is no bad sexual orientation, as they are all meant to express ourselves, but in slightly different ways.

Our sexual orientation is our way to express who we are.  We all have one and it's what brings us all together as humans.  However, the differences in sexual orientation shouldn't cause division or isolation.  Division and isolation can break humanity and humankind.  I think nobody wants that to happen.  Let's all just be open about our diversity to be all humans.

                                                                ..........

That explains pretty much my views on the subject.  I hope I have not hurt anyone in the process.  I really would like you to tell me what you think about it now.  I may have completely missed some very important points, so I would like to know.  Also, if someone could try to fit the the asexuality into it, I would be glad to read it.  Thanks for reading and commenting.