A year ending

With the year ending, I cannot help but reflect on all the things that I lived, experimented this year.  Even without it being the New Year's Eve, I was actually already trying to figure out a few things and am challenging some other things.

I guess the hardest thing for me this year, is to deal with other guys.  So far in my life, like you coulkd have read in my earlier entries, almost all that was happening to me depended on me, on my own decisions.  This certainly couldn't continue the same way while trying to meet guys and find a boyfriend.  Obviously, I now have to deal with other people's decisions, emotions and behaviors (all of which often baffle me).  And I suppose that it's just the beginning, because I have yet to be in a true relationship (I split up with Marky... more details to come).

Apart from that, I have lived many new things:  started profiles on dating sites, set my first date up, had my first date, my first kisses, I saw another man naked, I touched another guy, I had my first attempt at sex (which went wrong!!) , my first health fears, my first breakup, my first time that I really clicked with a guy, the first time that it backfired, the first time another guy slept with me in my bed and some other sexual firsts.

I had my first heartbreak ( with SL), even if I can't say that I was in love with him.  I had my first kisses in public, my first realization that I was still thinking about another guy (SL) when I was dating another guy... which led to me breaking up with that latter guy.

I have also had the most bizarre relationship with J.  After my 2 first dates with him, I thought we were meant for each other and I was on cloud 9.  However, things slowly changed and his interest in me was suddenly gone, without me knowing why.  Followed days and weeks of confusion.  He stopped talking to me for a while, then he finally accepted to talk to me again.  From there on, we went to being friends, to potential lovers again, to friends, to sleep buddies, to friends (I actually had my trip to Mexico with him)....  It is really a friendship that is not easy, because I have a feeling of unfinished business with him and I have to admit that there has been no day since I've known him that I haven't thought about him.  Yet, I don't even think that I could be happy with him.  But my heart can't forget him.  There are days where all is fine when I see him as a friend, but some other days, my heart still beats differently for him.

Some might say that it is an unhealthy relationship.  And I may agree.  In addition, he represents a few things that I don't like about the ''gay world''.  But we are still friends.  Even if he exasparates me sometimes, I see it as a learning experience.  He challenges my beliefs and my attitude regularly and I do think that it is a good thing, even if I'm hurt at times.

(Wow, I had not planned on talking so much about J, but he does occupy an important part in my life).

I went to my first gay bars, my first strippers club (males and female haha).  I saw my first drag queen shows.  I went dancing for the first time with another guy.  I had more new sexual experinces and I finally had sex without drama.

I also felt new things, beautiful or bad.  I felt things that I didn't even know I could feel and others that I didn't even know existed.

It was quite a year, yes if I look at this huge list.  However, I still seek for more obviously.  I feel like I'm really ready for a true loving relationship and that has not come in 2013.  It's obviously something I wish I will get in 2014.

I also wish to continue to open myself more, but to still respect my values.  I want to continue to challenge myself and to be challenged.  If there is one thing that I do not want, it is the status quo.  That's why I need to open up and challenge myself.  If I don't do that, I won't feel alive.  It's something that I've come to realize lately.  Hopefully I will feel very alive in 2014.

I hope you will all have a great year and see you soon :)

JF

Feeling lost, trapped.

Here is a translation of a letter I wrote to J, a guy I met at the end of June.  We've been on and off on various levels from friend to potential lovers.  I suppose someday I will tell you guys everything about him.  But in this letter you will still be able to have a an inside look at what has been going between us.

J,
Where to begin? I feel lost.I don't know which path to choose anymore.I have the feeling to be in a dead-end.I feel like my lack of sexual experience is a handicapand that plays a lot on my confidence and my ease with guys.

I've never wanted hookups with random guys.And this is not oing to change.I've always wanted some sort of connexionwold be established before starting to do more sexual stuff. As I think I have already told you, there are 4 guys with whom I have passed that step.You're the one with whom it happened the fastest. It was on our second date.  But you know, I was not really at ease because it was a bit too fast for me.  I'm pretty sure you thought I was lousy, so that's the reason. I was not ready to do more than what I did.  ( This being said, this letter is not meant to be an analysis of our relationship, just use references you know about to explain you ).

With the 4 guys I made that step however, you are the one with whom I went the less far.  With the others, it was more around the 3rd or 4th date.  I know it's not a much longer wait, but it seems like I'm like that.  And it was also more progressive.  During these 3rd or 4th dates, we didn't end up naked. It happened on the following date.  With you I ended up naked on that second date and even if I still felt good, was not comfortable enough to do more than what I did.

And now here is where things start going bad for me.  You see, if it is with you or with any other guy I coold possibly meet in the future, I'm sure that I lose lots of points for being that slow and uncomfortable. I wouldn't be surprise that it is a reason why S is seemingly not interested in me anymore after our first date.  I had told him before our date that I was not at ease speaking about sex because I had not a lot of experience.  During our date, I told him I had never had a boyfriend.  I think that it may be an accumulation of "odd" things that made him step back from me.

So you may understand thatmy self confidence is not very high.  I have the feeling that when i will be with another guy ( the odds of which seem very low at the moment) and that we will try to go further sexually, I will be so lousy that he will let me go as well, without giving me the chance to get learn and to get better.  I feel trapped.

My friend A was yelling me that metimes he was thinking of doing it with a guy to have that first time below his belt and not worry about that anymore. can understand, but as I wrote in the beginning, I don't want random sex, even if it would be to gain experience.But don't get me wrong.  I'm not waiting for the man of my life neither. The only time I was ready to do it with a guy and that the condom broke, knew in the bottom of my heart that I would never love this guy.But I was feeling comfortable enough with him to do it.

All this to say that I feel trapped. I need A to have B and I need B to have A.  And I possess none of them.

Oh yes, I was forgetting to other important points.

In addition to what I wrote above, also am very scared to get an STD, and that comes from even before the condom incident.  You could witness it on our second date, it does add a lot to my incomfort.

Also, I have the feeling that I miss or don't understand a lot of signals.I will go again with an exemple with you.  Last Saturday, when you were suddenly getting closer physically to me... I imagine that when you do this with other guys, you usually end up in bed with them.  But I was so confused about your intentions and feelings that I didn't know what to do.It's not as if I didn't want us to go further... There again my lack of experience was holding me back. And I was afraid to do something inappropriate. That I would do something and that you would push me back.The fear of reject keeps me from doing things.

I think I covered everything. You must think I'm so pathetic.But what I wrote, that's me, what I am. With my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears.

Why do I feel the need to tell all this to someone and that this someone is you? I ignore it.But one thing is sure, it's that it reflects my need to be true and honest and to hide nothing. I feel that need a lot since I have come out. But often, that huge load of authenticity scares people away, I experience it at times ( I experience it with you even). I hope that you will still appreciate me after all. I really do hope so.

JF

Rites of passage

During my visit in San Diego, I visited the Museum of Man.  ( more anthropologic than anatomic lol). One of the exhibits was about rites of passage in different cultures.

In my opinion, the rites of passage in many cultures were much more important and valuable than those in the occidental world.  Let's just think of the young australian aborigenes who go in the outback of the country for more than a week if I remember well to become a man.  In another culture,  boys become men once they have achieved to run naked on top of a row of bulls 4 times.  In another, boys are brought outside the village and are thought by other men the rules of their society, how to hung and they are also teached about sex.

Compared to what we have in the occidental world ( sweet 16, prom, drivers license -- all rites outlined in the exhibit), I realize that we have lost something along the way.  Our rites of passage have multiplied, while their real impact on a boy or a girl is not as lasting.

Somehow I feel like I've missed an important rite of passage in my life.  While in the museum, I unvolutarily had tears to my eyes, as I think that it must be something very fulfilling to achieve these rites in these societies.

However, there was one particular rite of passage that cought my attention: the coming-out.  I was surprised to realize that I had not seen my coming-out(s) as a rite of passage.  However, it definitely was, in retrospect.  And I think that I totally saw it as a rite of passage, since I needed to do this difficult step, prior to try to become what I want to be.  I needed to achieve my rite of passage before even considering being with another man.  In other words, I needed to do it to become a man.

In a way, I feel glad to be gay to have lived this rite of passage, because straight people don't have to do it before becoming a man or a woman.  Somehow, I feel like I have proven better who I am and that I belong here and that I deserve what I want.

Passion

I met a guy yesterday night and he asked what were my passions.

I was a bit baffled by his question, since I don't think I have any :(

I am interested in many things, but there is not one or two specific things that I could call a passion.

I felt a little bit "lifeless" after that....  should I have a passion? Am I less interesting if I don't have any passion?!?

Those damn mixed signals

These last days I've been ok and sad alternatively and at repetition!  Mainly because of the mixed signals sent by High school guy and The cook.

High School guy

In our conversations, he was the first to be "flirty" with me.  One night, when I told him I was going to bed he told me "Bonne nuit ptit mec" (Good night lil dude).  I thought it was really sweet and I really liked the cute name.  He had also offered me a motorbike ride.  He was also the first to bring up the opportunity to meet one night, even if it didn't happen.  Oh yeah, he also told me a few times something in the lines that I was cute.

However, I had a huge blow friday night.  The night prior to that, he hat told me that he was not feeling pretty good.  I had asked if there was anything to make him change his mood.  He replied during the day Friday and he said. "Well if (xxxxx) could pay me the money they owe me and if I could find a guy with whom to buid something in the long term, I could change my mind".  For me, it was a really bad attitude and it seemed that he was telling me this as if I was not a potential guy for the long term.  I was already pissed at that answer, and that was before realizing that he had also deleted his profile!!  Now I have no mean to join him!!

Why was he so sweet with me if he didn't see me as a potential boyfrieand?? That blows the limits of my logics.  And if he deleted his account I suppose that he was not interested in anyone on the dating site anymore.  So really it seems like this is over.  This is really disappointing because he has moved in my town and meeting him could have been so easy.

The cook

On Friday night I was also without news from him, even if I had seen him online a couple of times.  That didn't help me lighten my mood.  Like I already expressed, I'm a bit bothered by his lack of "assiduity" to reply to my messages.  However, when he replies, he is always nice and compliments me often (mon beau / my beautiful)

Luckily, I have many friends from the chat room who help me "de-dramatize" everything.  In the last 4 days I think that 4 different guys have cheered me up!! I just hate being so up and down!!  I've never really felt like that before!!  That adds to all the confusion!

Saturday morning I got to chat with The cook and it was really nice.  Our flirting went to another level and it was really nice. (for the record, we were just talking about how we would be good together lying and cuddling in bed!)   Sadly it didn't go through my mind to ask him to fix a date for a future date.  I thought about it later in the afternoon and I sent him a message about that.  During the afternoon I saw that he went online but he didn't answer.  I was becoming to get used to that so I decided not to think about it.  This morning (sunday), I sent him another message when he was online, just telling him about my evening yesterday ( at this point I thought that I should have waited... but I couldn't resist).  He didn't reply and I was so confused again!!!  Luckily I was helped by a friend who just told me to relax and stop focusing on the fact that he doesn't reply because he does seem to like me.  He told me pretty much the same thing that Buddy Bear and The Colorful One wrote as comments 2 posts ago.  So I decided to log off the dating site for many hours and just don't think about it.

5 or 6 hours later, I logged in again and he had replied to the more casual message only, th eone about my evening yesterday.  We exchanged a bit and then I decided to stop.  I will wait at least a day before thinking of talking again about a date.  I don't like to play that game but it seems to be how it works for him :(  I do fear that he has dates with other guys and that I am on the bottom of his list but I try not to think about that!

Major eye opening experience

So I realized that when guys post on their profile that they are open to everything from chatting to friends, to sex to long term; what it means is that they actually want to hook up and if it leads to friendship or long term, that they would be happy with it.  I had really not seen it like that because I had thought that these guys could meet some guys only for sex and they could meet other guys to try to develop something.  But it is apparently not the case... and it shortens by much my possible matches.  I seriously don't consider meeting guys and have sex with them right away, hoping that it could lead somewhere.  Sometimes I wonder why I have to be so prude, but it is just how I am...  I need to have some sort of connection with a guy before thinking of having sex with him.  And I'm not saying that he has to be the love of my life, I just want a connection!  I just don't think that this connection can happen in one date.

Leaving him

I have already mentionned that I was unsure of my feelings for Flyman.  We got to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot in the week after the condom broke.  I ended up realizing that my heart didn't beat for him.

We got to meet the next saturday. I told him that I was definitely not having feelings for him.  He took it well, even if he had told me that his own feelings were growing for me.  I ended up sleeping at his place again, because I was too tired to go back home.  He tried again to be closer to me, but this time, I was really cold.  Not in a mean way.  Just that I had drawn the line in my head that it was over between us.  He accepted it and let me sleep.

I have to say it felt weird to be beside him and not feel his warmth.  The intimate connexion was lost and I missed it.  Someone told me later it was the empty nest syndrome.  I thought it was a pretty accurate feeling.  The intimacy and the warmth of his hand on my chest is definitely what I miss the most about being with Flyman.

I can't say I have been sad of leaving him.  I suppose it was due to happen.  I swore to him that I wanted to keep him as a friend.  However, I need time to let that happen....  Sadly it hurts him that I do not want to see him yet, but I can't just pretend that nothing happened and I have not totally moved on about all the emotions that hit me.  I suppose I won't move on until after we are settled concerning our health.

I was talking about my story with Flyman with another guy in the chat room, and he told me that I should always follow my heart. I replied that it is what I had done.  He said : "No, you listened to your head when you decided to let things go when you were not sure of your feelings".  I realized that he was right.  I had decided with my head, not my heart.  If I had listened to my heart, the relationship would have lasted a lot shorter.

I'm not sure if it's good or bad to listen to my head?? I really don't.  But my view of myself is challenged.  I thought I was listening to my heart but I was not always.  I really don't know what to think about it. But, I'm not sure I need an answer right now....

New waters

I had an interesting comment from SnowRider on one of my posts:

Are you looking to get married from your first date or date a couple of guys and have fun and enjoy the experience and fun times. I"m not sure of your situation, but it seems as if you're really serious about finding mister right right now......perhaps you should go out and have fun without thinking about china patterns. just my opinion thought. good luck!

Well, there are two opposites ends:  Find the right guy and wait to marry him before having sex with him; and fuck every guy's ass I meet.  I'm nowhere near any of these ends.  I'm floating somewhere in between them. 

There are certainly things I have expressed on this blog that I dont feel the same anymore as when I wrote them.  There are certainly other things that I have wrote that I haven't changed my mind about just yet.

Sometimes I really feel like a teenager in a man's body.  I have so many things going through my mind at any time of the day concerning the things that are happening to me. I do share a lot of them with you, it gives you quite a good idea of what I'm living.  But there are lots of things that don't make "the cut" !!  I tell you that just to explain that I suppose this is what a teenager feels like when he begins to discover who he is, what he likes, what he wants  etc... Except I'm not a teenager anymore!

I'm at a very interesting, confusing and sometimes scary place.  About everything I am experiencing is new to me.  I try to stay true to myself and one thing that is very important for me is to not play with other people's feelings.  That explains often why I take things slowly with Flyman.  It can be challenging since I am sometimes lost at see, so I try my best.

So, for now, my answer to SnowRider is:  I will have fun with guy(s) before marrying (if I ever do).  I'm not a Saint!!  However I don't want to have random sex.  There are certainly things that I am taking slower now than I will in a few months.  But, I go at my rythm and thankfully, Flyman helps me along the way.  I don't know what the future holds for me, but I try to live the present moment and to enjoy my journey.  And I also allow myself to change my mind about various things, because in these new waters, I can't take anything for granted!

My second date: awkward times!

Last Friday I had another date with Flyman.  I picked him up at his appartment to go to the restaurant. (Oh and I got lost on my way to his appartment! D'oh!!)  We enjoyed our meal and our time there.  After that, we went back to his appartment to watch a movie.

But first we both wanted to make the other listen to music we liked.  We did the same thing as he does with his friends when they come over: we went on his bed.  We listened to the songs laying side by side on his bed.  After that, we got to chat more and we stayed there.  The subject of coming out to our parents came and I told him that I remembered many details.  He asked me to tell him the story.

I started but my emotions came really strong and I had difficulty to contain my tears.  He was afraid that it was a sad story but I said that it was just the burst of emotions.  I was laying on my back and he was sat beside me.  I ended by telling him most of the important parts and what it meant for me how my father was accepting. After that he cuddled me a bit and I let him do it.  This is when the awkwardness began!!

I really didn't know where to put my arms!!  That was funny, confusing and awkward at the same time.  He told me : "You really are not used to be this close to another guy, are you!?"  I replied that I had not lied to him about that!! He also asked me if he could kiss me but I said no.  Luckily he is very respectful about that so I don't think neither of us felt bad about that situation. 

A bit later he saw that I was lost in my thoughts.  I was beginning to understand a few things about myself and why I was reacting like I was.  I had the following elements in mind:

- I was not comfortable in touching him with my hands (but I had let him touch me)

- I was not comfortable in looking at him directly in the eyes for too long / being too close

- I don't want want us to kiss on the mouth

- I consider these things to be very intimate acts between 2 persons

- I also consider these things to be very sexy

I came to understand that for me, at the moment, intimate acts have to be made with a person with whom I have a very strong bond.  I also understood (but I kinda already knew it) that a big turn on for me is the intimate aspect of a sexual activity.

So when he asked me why I was lost in my thoughts, I told him the truth.  I said that I didn't know what is the future for us and that at the moment, I don't feel very attracted emotionnally to him (he said it was the same for him).  I said that I didn't want to go further physically with him then where I am emotionnally.  I added that I didn't want to use him. He didn't understand why I said that.  I didn't specify that since I have no sexual experience I could experiment with him, but I said that I didn't want to go too far physically and then stop everything if I am not in love with him. (I try to not make that too confusing so I hope it is not!)  I think he understood what I meant.

After that we went in the living room to watch a movie (American Pie the reunion).  This time we sat on his 1-place sofa.  He sat on me and we found a position in which we were both comfortable.  I let myself hug him and everything was ok.

When the movie ended, he suggested that we went back in his bed and I accepted.  We cuddled/played more for at least 30 minutes.  I won't enter in the details but we didn't do much!!  It was much for me considering my history, but really, it was not much :P

He wanted me to stay for the night but I didn't want to.  He asked me to stay a bit longer, so for another 30 minutes or so , we were laying/cuddling while he was getting asleep.

In the end, I left as planned and all was good.  We said that we wanted to see each other again and that we would get in touch to set the next date.

Overall, I have to say that we went further than what I could have imagined and when I had asked him the same, he said we went definitely further than what he had thought.  But as always, I don't do things that I am not comfortable of doing. All I do ends up being good for me.  Also, things got less awkward as the night went on, so I am happy about that as well.

N.B.  For the last 2 posts I have wanted to add pictures but Blogger doesn't seem to want me to do that anymore :(  Hopefully this will be fixed soon.

Fishing in the right lake(s)

I have received a very interesting comment from TwoLives in one of my latest posts.  He wrote this:

Catching eyes and a smile from a cute guy is definitely a thrill. I can understand why you want to pursue this guy and why you wanted to pursue the guy at the clothing store. But with that said, I think you've put too much effort into chasing these questionable leads. You don't know if they're gay. You don't know if they're single. And even they are, you don't know if you have anything in common. A more constructive approach would be to try some on-line dating sites. That way you'd be fishing in small pond where the guys want to be caught, instead of fishing in an unpredictable ocean where anything can happen.

I totally agree with all that TwoLives has written.  However, I feel the need to explain more where I am at at the moment.

Back in August, I wrote this post where I explained that I was looking for opportunities to meet guys via an online dating site.  I did do it, but sadly nothing really came out of that.

In November, I wrote in this post that I had tried other sites but that it was a waste of time in the end.  It is then that I decided that I would try to meet guys / be open to guys I would meet.  So I decided to go to a store where I knew a cute guy worked and that might be gay.  I ended up not getting to be brave enough to really make a move, but I still did a lot of things that I had never done before.  I also experimentend emotions that I never had.

In December, something "unplanned" happened where I met a guy at a reception room who I was interested in.  Unfortunately, I didn't have the guts to make a move right away.  I tried to save the situation later by trying to contact him, but it was a huge failure LOL!!  Once again, I experimented things that I never had before and I even got to interact with some friends about it, which was also new to me.

What I want to say is that I know there are more "certainties" about trying to find a man on an online dating site.  But at the same time, the few that I've experienced.... is still some experience.  I have made stuff that I never had done before and felt new things, which is really good in my opinion.  It may not be much, but that's a lot more than what I had only a few months ago. 

And as TwoLives pointed out, it is a thrill to be in that "zone" where you think you may have a chance with a guy you meet.  I can even say that I have always thought that I was no good at all in the seducing game, but now I may consider thinking that I may not do so bad if I really give it a try!!  That is really something that surprises me!! 

In the end, I want to keep as many doors open as I can, so I won't focus solely on dating sites.  I want to be open to interesting guys I meet.  But I will also try to get a profile on some other dating sites that are probably more popular.  I have avoided on purpose the main dating sites I found because they were not exclusively for gay people.  That meant that if I created an account, anyone I know could have seen me there and I was not ready for anyone to know I'm gay, because there were other persons to whom I needed to tell by myself.  Since that stage is done and that hopefully soon, I won't care that anyone finds I am gay, it will then be a good time to get an account.  Also I have to say that I find it really intimidating to describe myself on these sites if people I know are going to read it...

I suppose that explains where I am at right now!!  I felt like I needed to expand more on why I do or don't do certain things.

In the end, even if I have not been successful so far in finding a guy, I take it ll as good experiences and I am happy to get to know myself better.

As a side note, my mother's New Year's wish for me is to find a boyfirend :) :)

I just need to find the right fish in the right lake ;-P

Busted!!

Monday morning and work came really fast after the weekend!!  Right after the morning break ended, it happened that I was alone with Vickie and Candy in the cafeteria.  Candy asked me if I left late from the party and I said that I was the last one to go.  She then asked if I had the waiter's number but I said no.  Then , Vickie shouted:  "Hey I saw you smiling at him!!!"  

That really surprised me!!  I didn't know if she really saw me or was joking on me.  I began to seriously blush!  Luckily we all had to go back to work, so I said that I would get to explain what happened later.  Both Candy and Vickie said that the waiter was really beautiful!!

I was kinda smiling nervously and happily about being busted like that.  I didn't really know then if I liked it or not!! (the truth is surprisingly : yes I like it !!)  I couldn't resist and went to see Vickie to know if she was lying or not.  She told me that when I was calling my lift, she was following the waiter when I smiled at him.  Oh man!!! I was really busted!!

I told her: " Oh you must have been peeing in your pants from seeing me do that!!!"  Fun times!  I told her how I wanted to talk to him while waiting for my lift, but that my plan was cut short when I was invited outside...

Later in the afternoon, I sent Candy an email, asking her 2 questions.

1- Do you think he's gay?

2- Do you think I still have a chance if we didn't even talk on Saturday?

She answered me rapidly.

1- Yes, at 99.5%!

2- It's not over!!  You just need to find a way to get to see him again.  (she described a few of her ideas)  You'll have to get over your fears!!!  Welcome in the world of love and dating!! Go ahead, we only have one life to live.  And at the worst, he'll say he's not gay.  So there is nothing to lose.  He is really beautiful.  If I was gay I would think he is really beautiful!!

That last sentence made me laugh a lot!!  It's not as if she didn't think he was beautiful even if she's a straight girl!

After that, she sent me another email.  She said:

"Hey, I got to talk a lot with the DJ  that was there at the party. He had told me that he worked often there.  He also gave me his name so I could reach him on Facebook.  So I have an idea.  I will write to him about the night and then ask a bit about the waiter.  Like what's his name? Is he gay?  I'll tell him that I have a colleague who likes him.  We'll see what he says and then who knows??"

I think that it is actually a good idea, because it should allow me to know his name, at the least.  That would make it a lot easier to try to contact him.  And if I get to know more than that and , who knows??, that he plays Cupid with us, it would be a great bonus.

Once again, I surprise myself at how easy going I am about talking about that to someone.  I'm pretty sure Candy is very surprised too, cause I have always been very shy about my personal life in the past and I was always nervous when asked or talked about dating.  But now it's the opposite!! I welcome every idea she has for me and I don't try to hide anything!!

Candy finally wrote the DJ today, so I expect he will answer to her really soon :))  Before the weekend, hopefully!  In the meantime, I try to remember how the waiter looks :)

The brighter and darker sides of opening up

I have noticed how willing I am to talk about what is happening to me with my "real world" friends.  The first one I talked about my shopping adventure was actually Janice, even if we have not yet officially ended our disagreement.  It's not that I wanted to tell it specifically to her, but I wanted to talk about it the day after I met the selesman and she was the first I met on MSN Messenger.

I figured that since she's a girl, she would love to gossip about i anyways and that it would be good for our "friendship".  I told her what happened, but she rapidly had to leave, but I told her that she could talk about it to Jack.

During the week, I really wanted to talk about it to Jack and I was even mad when I couldn't go as far as I wanted (because of various restrictions).  Luckily, I could finally meet him last Sunday and I got to tell him all the story from beginning to the fact that I had discovered that my salesman had a girlfriend and that I still wanted to try to meet Prospect #1.

I really surprised myself at how easy for me it was to tell all this and also mostly how much I wanted to simply talk about it.  Only a few months ago I would have thought that I would have wanted to keep my crush a secret.  But it is not the case at all.  That is definitely something positive in my life at the moment.

A less positive aspect of my life at the moment is actually not happening to me.  The thing is that I open up on the chat room too and I meet new friends.  So far so good!  I get to talk about myself and my friends talk about themselves.  However, for two of them, they're having real hard times right now.  I believe they are way too hard on themselves and I try to convince them that they are good people.  But it's really hard to do simply by chat.  By opening up to them, they have opened up to me, but I can't help them the way they need to be helped and that saddes me.  I wish I could be beside them and give them big huggs, but it is not possible.  There's an imbalance between my opening up and my ability to help people and it's hard to manage.

Finally, on a more positive note, I came out to one of my coworkers today.  I invited her for lunch and I told her I was gay in the parking of the restaurant before entering.  Her reaction was: "What, is it only that you wanted to tell me?"  (When I invited her, I told her I wanted to explain her why I had been weird sometimes in the past).  My answer was that no, it's not only that I wanted to tell her, but it was the explanation of my weird behavior from the fall of 2011.  She had noticed how weird I was around the time I came out to my parents, so I was happy to finally tell her what had been going on.

We had a really good lunch together, it was really fun to talk about my life to her and she was really happy for me to accept who I am and she was also happy that I simply told her.  I told her about the whole shopping "situation" and that I do want to be in a relationship.  We also talked about the next girl I want to come out to at work before "spilling the beans" to everyone.  We talked about how I could tell her and it was really funny. It's the girl I have already mentioned who has a fixation about gays, so we had a lot of material to find out how I could tell her I'm gay.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go back to the store for more "shopping adventures" and a scarf!!  I hope something positive can come out of it.

Just like any other guy

That's a feeling I experience more and more.

Before coming out and having contact with other gay guys, I pretty much hid a lot of things to other people.  I didn't express myself as much as the other guys when came time to talk about what we like.

Any other guy comfortable in his skin will proudly express his feelings when comes time to talk about what turns him on, what girl / guy he likes etc....

That is something I have been learning to do and I must say that I enjoy it.

Expressing myself on my blog, interacting with my readers, making friends with other bloggers, getting involved in a gay chat room, going to LGBT meetings.... These are all positive things that allow me to express who I am and feel like any other guy.

I feel normal!!  I like to think that I am different from the others, but it also feels nice to think that I'm also just like any other guy.

The other day, we were in a party (the one depicted in "Refriending") and Jess said that every guy, because thay have a dick, always think about sex.  Jack turned to me and said: "Do you always think about sex JF ?" (It is not a topic I talk alot about!!).  My answer was: "Yes! Of course"  If I had been less drunk, my mind would also have made me say: "It's not because I don't talk about it that I don't think about it!"  I guess even my friends think that I'm not like any other guy, but surely this will change in the future!!!

Perfection? Expectations!

I want to reassure everyone by telling you that I know that I am not perfect, even if I think I'm not so far :)

Seriously, I am a humble person and sometimes I just have difficulty to accept many compliments, so I answer with humor.  I really want to thank everyone who repeats again and again to me those beautiful things.  It's beginning to sink in :)

There's one thing that's been bothering me about myself lately.  It scares me a bit about my future with a lover.  The thing is that I tend to rapidly have high hopes and expectations.  I have these hopes and expectations in every aspect of my life, so I don't see why they wouldn't show up on the love side.  The problem with high hopes and expectations is that when they are not fulfilled, I become stressed and I ask myself all sorts of stupid questions and I begin to doubt a lot of things in my life.  That's not a good feeling and I hate it when I experience it.

So, how does it scare me about my future love life??  Well, I fear to hurt myself and my lover for no good reason if my expectations are not fulfilled.  I don't want to have the feeling that I love him much more than he does about me, that I care more than he does about our relationship.  Also, as I've demonstrated at the beginning of this post, sometimes it takes me a long time to let things sink in.  So, maybe I will have all the signs to be reassured, but I won't let them sink in and it could be hurtful.  I don't want that.  Hopefully, by the time this happens, I will still have a lot of help from you to help me sort things out!!

I'll end this post by suggesting you to watch this clip of Muse.  I knew many of the band's song, but I didn't know they were all made by the same band until a few weeks ago when I realized that I just loved all these songs made by Muse.  I specifically chose this one because it fits with this post.

Muse - Starlight

Not feeling good about myself....

Allright, I just had a weird thought and I can't believe it came to my mind.  I feel very stupid and ashamed of what I thought.

I considered if I wanted to share it or not.... because I feel like an asshole.  I decided to do it anyways, because  I guess something positive can come out of it.

So this morning I was quietly cactching up on some older posts over at "2 boys in love".  As usual, I had a good time reading their adventures.  However, I stumbled upon some posts where the subject was bullying, being beaten up and dealing with it.

I've never been bullied or intimated for any reason in my entire life.  That's actually quite surprising and I often wonder why nobody has ever been mean to me.  This being said, I have a lot of compassion for those who have been or are victims intimidation.

So, while reading the story this morning, I thought this: "I wish I have lived this".

Now how can someone mentally healthy have this kind of stupid thinking.  Who wants to have been beaten up??

I feel like I'm lacking a lot of respect to those who have lived it.  They surely wish they had not experienced it.

I try to convince myself that it is not to have been beaten up that I wish I had lived.  Maybe it's one or all of the following:

- To have become stronger because of it

- To have been loved and cared following the events

- To have found a way to deal with it when being faced to it afterwards

- That it would have given me tools for some possible future intimidation
- That it would allow me to understand what others have gone through
- That it would mean that I had come out at a much younger age and not have wasted so much time. (I'm pretty sure the odds of being beaten up for being gay are higher at 15 than 30).

But at the same time, it feels like I'm not "in the gang"... which I think is so stupid...  I can't relate to being intimidated, while I suppose most other gays can.  I feel like an outsider, maybe even an impostor, being all happy about life, while I didn't endure a fraction of what other people have lived.

I'm ashamed, because I so don't want to lack respect.... I have a lot of respect for people who have been bullied or beaten up.... but I did think that I wish it had happen to me too...

I'm really sorry...

UPDATE!! A few hours later.....
Thinking back alot about it since writing the post, I think that what I really felt, was that I wish I could understand.  I wish I could share and be able to be comforting if someone talks to me about his situation.  However, I can't. I can't help. I didn't live it.  It makes me sad not being able to understand....

First anniversary

I've never counted the days before my anniversary, before the end of school, before Christmas...  I have never really cared about my anniversaries, but I do like to celebrates someone else's birthday.  I never know what to ask for gifts, I prefer to give than receive.

I guess there has never been any really meaningful moment in my own life that I wanted to celebrate.

Well, for weeks now I have been thinking of today.  The friday after Thanksgiving.  It actually happened on October 14th, but I lived the event as happening on the friday after Thanksgiving, so this is how I (mentally) circle the date on the calendar.

It was probably the most meaningful day of my life so far.  It's the day when I decided to and actually did let my guard down, get rid of my shell.  It's the day when I showed my true self for the first time (Read the story here if you have never read it).

I did mention a few months ago that looking back on past events, I was kinda desensitized to it. Well.... I can say today that realizing that a year ago, I was coming out to my parents, it makes me very emotional.  It's unfortunate that so many people can't understand what it is to come out to their parents, because it also means that they don't understand what it is to look back on it.  It's a beautiful thing to remember.  It's also meaningful:  it's the first time in my life that I care about an anniversary of mine.

I'm not sure if I'll do anything special to celebrate it, though.  I'm not sure it's necessary.  As I've already stated, coming out is a very personal process. So, I guess that celebrating it will also be a very personal moment.

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada.  As I've already said, it is not really celebrated around me, it's mostly a day off work!!

However, this year is the first year that I reflect on what I want to be thankful for.

A lot of things have changed in my life since last Thanksgiving.  A year ago, I was not out to anybody, yet I was preparing for my first coming out (I had actually planned on coming out to my parents on Thanksgiving night.... before backing up).

I am first thankful to me to have had that determination to go forward in my life and do the unimaginable.  I am thankful for the lucidity I had to realize that I was not so sure of who I was after coming out to my parents.  I am thankful to have done what was necessary to dig in my soul to understand who I was.  I am of course thankful to my parents for their acceptance of me.  I am thankful to the internet to have made me discover a lot of things about homosexuality and to have found people like me.  I am thankful to my counsellor for helping me connect with my emotions.  I am thankful to my cousin Sandy for being so exceptional.  I am thankful to my friend Jack for still being the same friend.  I am thankful to have created this blog and met a lot of great people through it and even becoming friends with some of them.  I am thankful for this new network that I don't think I could live without it, now that I have it.

All in all, I'm thankful for the progress I've made during the last year.

I wonder what I'll be thankful for next year :)

Attention whore

This is a not so serious post... or is it?!?

I've always considered myself being independant.  Still, I do remember some episodes in my life where I wanted to be noticed, "befriended", liked.  I'm not really proud of what goes in my head when I don't get the attention I want or expect.  Doubts come over, than anger and sadness.

When I was meeting the sex counselor, we began by exploring my personality and try to identify some negative schemes in my life.  Three came out.  Two were expected, but one was a surprise to my counsellor and me.  That surprise was a "love deficit".  I think it was a surprise because I've managed to get passed it.... by being independant.  However, I do think that it was a security system I set up in order to not suffer from that love deficit.  It had even managed to fool my counsellor.

In everyday situation, I don't like to be the center of attention.  However, I have come to realize that when I want to be noticed (for whatever reason), I get really sad if I don't get the attention I want from the people I want.  It's in these situations that I don't like how I react and what goes in my head.

When I started this blog, I had a few reasons to do it.  But I had not imagined that getting attention would be one.  I can now confirm that it is an opportunity for me to get some attention and I am not proud to say that sometimes, I'm sad for the lack of comments.  I'm an attention whore when comes to getting comments on my posts.  I remember reading two bloggers who said they needed comments on their posts because they were attention whore.  I can say I'm in that group too...  But is every blogger an attention whore?  I guess not if they have a well fulfilled non-virtual life.

I guess that's my problem...  I need to get a life out here!! I don't think it's healthy to rely on the virtual world to get the attention I need.  I need to meet new people and I'm really looking forward to meet new friends at the local LGBT group.  However, the summer break isn't over yet for the group, I think it starts back only in a few weeks.  Of course, having a nice guy in my life would help a lot too!!

I really don't want you readers to think that I'm sad at you..... I'm sad at me.  There are things that need to be changed in my life in order to get the attention and love I need.  Blogging helps and meeting great persons via blogging too!!!  I'm really happy to have you all in my life, you do make a difference for me.  This is true, you often make my day... However, it can't end there.... I need to continue going forward** in the "real life".

OK, so I think I've made my share of not so positive posts lately...  I want you to know that I'm still fine and I still have great days most of the time.  This week has been pretty rough for a lot of people around me and I didn't escape that trend....  However, the week is over so we can put it out behind us!!  I'm hoping to be able to share some more joyous posts in the coming weeks!!

Take care, everyone!

JF

**  See Matt, I can do it too!!

Opening up

The last few months have seen their share of "opening up" from me.  I used to be a very discrete guy, showing when happy, but keeping the bad stuff inside.

I'm still discrete, but on some occasions, I try to open up more.  Of course, coming out is a huge opening up "activity".  But it seems that once the wheel has started to roll, it doesn't stop so easily.  And a consequence of opening up is dealing with emotions.  They seem to come up whenever they want and don't want to stay inside.  I've had a few episodes like that lately, namely this morning.  I was driving to get to work when suddenly I had difficulty to contain my tears.  Then, when someone asked me how I was going at work, I almost blew right there.  That's certainly new to me.  I remember reading some blogs when guys were saying that they were becoming emotional messes when they were in the process of coming out.  To some extent,  I know what they meant.

But, that's not enough for me to stop opening up.  It feels so good to open up and to share bits of my life with friends or family.  Lately, I spent an hour or so crying on the phone to my cousin Sandy, I spent 2 hours talking of personal stuff with my friend Jack and I also got to talk with a lot of honesty without any discomfort to some fellow bloggers.  These experiences were all very positive and new to me.

I don't seem to care anymore to hide my emotions.  My emotions are what they are and I have no problem showing them (in appropriate situations).  So the wheel is turning: more opening up, more emotions, more opening up etc...  I think its a good thing.  I'm definitely changing for the best.  That's a huge pro for coming out.  It loosens that intimacy I've been overprotecting for so long.  I will never be the most extraverted guy and there are still a lot of things that I won't share with most people around me.  But, at least, my friends and family will get to see a better version of me.

Where are the pink unicorns when we need them?

I have to admit that my life before coming out and my coming outs themselves were pretty trouble-free.  My sexual orientation has never (in my memory) made me feel really bad about myself. 

What has troubled me the most in the past and what is really troubling me now, is interpersonal relationships.  In the recent months, I have begun to notice that I think differently from about everyone around me.  It was troubling me, but not to a point to almost have a break-down.  But now I think I'm on a verge of a break-down.

It is not related to my sexual orientation, but it has been caused by talking to my friends after coming out to them.  To make a long story short, I already knew that I was thinking differently from my friends, but it slapped me in the face yesterday night: They don't understand what I do and I don't understand their reactions to what I do.  Since yesterday night, I feel disoriented and very emotionnally fragile.

I have never felt this way when I was dealing to accept my homosexuality or when I prepared to come out.  So, somehow, it is tougher now.

So if I can give any advice to people who are preparing to come out:

- Even if your friends are OK with your orientation, it can still cause conflicts.

- Sometimes the people with who you think it will be easier, they end up being the ones with whom it is tougher.  Don't take anything for granted.

- Expect the unexpected.  Your friends may also have hidden things from you in the past that could change your friendship.

- Even if you do something that seems really logical to you, some people may not get what you're doing or going through.

- It is possible that you won't understand your friend's reaction.  Be prepared for that.

- People may think that you've betrayed them by hiding your orientation to them.  Some people are so ok with homosexuality that they don't realize that it is still a hard thing to accept and to tell them.

- You may feel totally disoriented.

That's where I'm at right now, but it seems like I can't resolve the problem with anyone because it is not specifically related to anyone.  So I'm waiting.... waiting for time to heal me or to give me the key to successful interpersonal relationships.

The ways I act

I have hardly managed to understand more what was going through Janice's head and why she thought I was straight.

It turns out that many people around her, who have seen us together, told her to be careful with me because they thought that I was in love with her. She, herself, had some doubts, but the fact that many people told her the same thing, it made her believe it more.

Of course, as it is always the case with Janice, I don't know what made all these people and herself think that.  But at this point, I don't want to know because it is clearly a subject that Janice wants to avoid.

So how did I act? What did I say?  What looks did I put on her?  All I know is that I always try to be polite with everyone.  Has politeness become open-cruising in here??  Also I do sometimes compliment her, but can't we do that between friends??  It seems that the male-women friendships' limits are different for everyone.

Now I know that I have had feelings for women in the past.  But I also know that I never had these feelings for Janice.  She's my friend, but it would never go further than that for me.  Just living 2 days together would be a nightmare!  There are too many irreconciliable differences between us for me to fall in love with her.  As a friend it's ok, but I would never accept that for a lover.

I have mixed feelings about the fact that so many people thought I was in love with her.  I have always liked to prove people wrong.  People are so keen to judge so I just love it when I can put it back in their face that their judgement was wrong.  Most people will so easily judge, but will so hardly try to understand.  This is something that is really annoying for me.  However, this time around, I'm not sure if I like it this much.  It's not a simple thing... we're talking about love here.  How can people be so wrong about me?  I know there are things that I have hidden, but I don't know... I think there are things that I'll never truly understand.

Is it me or the kind of thoughts that I'm having right now are usually those of teenagers who are beginning to explore who they are, where they fit in this world, how to interact with others??  If so, it's probably a good thing, but it's also scary...