That was one of my existential crisis

First, thanks for all the great comments on yesterday's post!

Before going any further, I would like to mention that I wrote that letter right in the middle of an existential crisis.  I do them at times haha.  You can tell how existential it was by the number of tags I  put on it.  It covered a lot of aspects in my life , so no wonder it felt very intense.

Once again, writing stuff down helps me deal with some of my issues.  And of course I'm just very happy from the feedback I received.

And thanks to remind me that I put too much pressure on myself and to remind me that I'm a great guy heheheh...  But I did remember that guys who only seek sex are not what I want, maybe that was a bit misunderstood but anyways ;)

The crisis has ended yesterday around noon.  I'll explain how hopefully soon!!

First anniversary!

Yay!  It's been a year I started this blog and I'm so happy I did!

Even if I knew I wanted to be super honest, I didn't know that that honesty and "openness" would also develop in other aspects of my life.  I actually sometimes have to stop myself from saying a few things to some people because I think it would be inappropriate.  What a change from the guy who kept all his feelings for himself :)

A good example is this week at work, there were some gardeners doing work outside and from my window I could see them.  Just as one hot guy was working below my window, Vickie called me to settle a problem.  I went to see her and I told her it was really a bad timing because of the show she made me miss.  She was like " Huhhh??"  So I explained that I was missing the hot gardener on all fours on the ground.  She was shocked and said: "OMG there is only you to say that!!!"  It was funny, but I did miss the show in the end :(  Anyways, I would never have imagined to say something like that before!!

Tired

Hey! I have been either hurting from a backache or tired or just feeling off or ill this week.  So I'm just too tired to write a long post.  In the meantime, you can watch these vids that caught my attention this week.

The best of 2012

In this end of year, I thought I would do a little review of what happened "blog-wise"!!



Most viewed post:  A survey, what do we like about men ?

Most comments in a single post: Beam me up

Most stupid comments convo: Beam me up

Countries with the most page views:  1- USA (hands down) , 2 -Canada, 3- Russia (really!?)

Origin site with the most visitors from:  2 boys in love  Thanks guys <3 !!

Most google search:  "gay construction worker" hahah!!  I'm not the only one liking them :)

My own best favorite post: Showing my true self for the first time
If you have not read it, I would encourage you to read it, as well as all those posts from the early days of my blog, if you want to know me better.




Thanks again to all my readers! You often make my day!!  Please come back often and comment!! I love having your feedback ( and I'm an attention whore, as all bloggers are!!)

See you in 2013!!

JF

PS.  Here's a nice vid I found this morning, it made my day :)
PPS. I want the one on the right ;-)

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada.  As I've already said, it is not really celebrated around me, it's mostly a day off work!!

However, this year is the first year that I reflect on what I want to be thankful for.

A lot of things have changed in my life since last Thanksgiving.  A year ago, I was not out to anybody, yet I was preparing for my first coming out (I had actually planned on coming out to my parents on Thanksgiving night.... before backing up).

I am first thankful to me to have had that determination to go forward in my life and do the unimaginable.  I am thankful for the lucidity I had to realize that I was not so sure of who I was after coming out to my parents.  I am thankful to have done what was necessary to dig in my soul to understand who I was.  I am of course thankful to my parents for their acceptance of me.  I am thankful to the internet to have made me discover a lot of things about homosexuality and to have found people like me.  I am thankful to my counsellor for helping me connect with my emotions.  I am thankful to my cousin Sandy for being so exceptional.  I am thankful to my friend Jack for still being the same friend.  I am thankful to have created this blog and met a lot of great people through it and even becoming friends with some of them.  I am thankful for this new network that I don't think I could live without it, now that I have it.

All in all, I'm thankful for the progress I've made during the last year.

I wonder what I'll be thankful for next year :)

Attention whore

This is a not so serious post... or is it?!?

I've always considered myself being independant.  Still, I do remember some episodes in my life where I wanted to be noticed, "befriended", liked.  I'm not really proud of what goes in my head when I don't get the attention I want or expect.  Doubts come over, than anger and sadness.

When I was meeting the sex counselor, we began by exploring my personality and try to identify some negative schemes in my life.  Three came out.  Two were expected, but one was a surprise to my counsellor and me.  That surprise was a "love deficit".  I think it was a surprise because I've managed to get passed it.... by being independant.  However, I do think that it was a security system I set up in order to not suffer from that love deficit.  It had even managed to fool my counsellor.

In everyday situation, I don't like to be the center of attention.  However, I have come to realize that when I want to be noticed (for whatever reason), I get really sad if I don't get the attention I want from the people I want.  It's in these situations that I don't like how I react and what goes in my head.

When I started this blog, I had a few reasons to do it.  But I had not imagined that getting attention would be one.  I can now confirm that it is an opportunity for me to get some attention and I am not proud to say that sometimes, I'm sad for the lack of comments.  I'm an attention whore when comes to getting comments on my posts.  I remember reading two bloggers who said they needed comments on their posts because they were attention whore.  I can say I'm in that group too...  But is every blogger an attention whore?  I guess not if they have a well fulfilled non-virtual life.

I guess that's my problem...  I need to get a life out here!! I don't think it's healthy to rely on the virtual world to get the attention I need.  I need to meet new people and I'm really looking forward to meet new friends at the local LGBT group.  However, the summer break isn't over yet for the group, I think it starts back only in a few weeks.  Of course, having a nice guy in my life would help a lot too!!

I really don't want you readers to think that I'm sad at you..... I'm sad at me.  There are things that need to be changed in my life in order to get the attention and love I need.  Blogging helps and meeting great persons via blogging too!!!  I'm really happy to have you all in my life, you do make a difference for me.  This is true, you often make my day... However, it can't end there.... I need to continue going forward** in the "real life".

OK, so I think I've made my share of not so positive posts lately...  I want you to know that I'm still fine and I still have great days most of the time.  This week has been pretty rough for a lot of people around me and I didn't escape that trend....  However, the week is over so we can put it out behind us!!  I'm hoping to be able to share some more joyous posts in the coming weeks!!

Take care, everyone!

JF

**  See Matt, I can do it too!!

Blog improvements

This is just a small message to let you know that I have added a few features on my blog.

First, I added a "Contact me" feature on the right side bar.  So if you have anything to tell me that is unrelated to a post, you can use that feature.

Second, I added a "Follow by email" feature.  You can receive all my posts in your email by subscribing there.

Third, I added the "Subscribe to posts / comments" feature.  I don't know how it works, but I guess some of you know and use it if it is something you like.

You can still follow me if you have a Blogger account and become a member of my blog.  You don't need to own a blog to have a Blogger account.

Finally, I don't know if it has always been a feature in my blog, but if you wish to follow the upcoming comments on a specific post, you can clik on the "Subscribe by email" link below the comment box of every post.  That's a feature I like to use on my favorite blogs, as I don't have to keep in mind the posts I want to follow. I automatically receive an email when a new comment is published from that post.

That's it for now.  I think there must be some gadgets to add concerning the social media, but I really don't know how it works.  I'm a bit old fashioned when it comes to technology :) 

Good night!

Touched

Tonight, I've been wanting to post something.  I wanted to yet again give something to my readers.  A few ideas came and go... they were not what I was looking for.  I let my mind wander and my thoughts flow.  Then I came to remember about some of the comments I've received on my posts.

There's some kind of tendancy going on.  In many of your comments, you take some time to write that you wish me the best in my journey, that you like my writings, that you see a good guy in me, that you care about me in a very positive way.  This is truly amazing.  I was expecting some ponctual good words, but this is way beyond my expectations.  Like I commented on an older post, I think that I'm too close to the trees to see the forest.  I only consider myself as a lucid guy whot tries to be the best man possible, while trying to become the man he wants to be.  That journey is also currently marked by my desire to be an out gay man in pursuit of love.  That last sentence alone brings a lot of uncertainties in my life, as there is no step by step guide available in my local library.  I have to go through these moments respecting my values, listening to my emotions and taking great care of other peoples emotions and reactions.  That's probably the hardest part, because I really often think that nobody thinks like me.  However, I know that it is not true because of all the support you've given me.  You've also helped me to relax a bit about my coming out process.  This past weekend I decided that I was not going to think about it and I had a great weekend.

I'm still somehow on my own, because it's my life and my destiny.  However, I don't feel alone, thanks in great part to your support.  I am truly touched by your support and, honestly, I am sometimes overwhelmed, as you guys and girls seem to see some stuff that I don't (that's disorienting!!).  You're all really wise!  But seriously, it gives me confidence that some day, the people around me will get me as much as you do. 

In the end, I just want to say "THANK YOU!"  I'm really lucky that you stopped on my blog and that you've come to appreciate me enough to give me some words of encouragement.  As a sign of recognition, please appreciate these eye candies!

Whoaa!!!

There has been a huge flow of new reader on my blog today, thanks to Matt and Brad.  I suppose it will be crazy like that for a few more hours!!

To every new reader, I hope your first visit won't be your last.  I really enjoy seeing new people on my blog and I hope you will take some time to express yourself on the various posts on my blog.  Don't worry if you comment on an old post, I will read them all and probably answer to most of them.

I want to make a special request to all the "straight" readers.  Please please please express yourself.  Your input can surely make my blog being a place where we can learn more from the gay world from the inside, but also from the outside!

Thank you everyone

JF

What's happening now?

Well, not much!!  That's why I haven't made any substantial post in a while.  I think for now I don't neeed to come out to more people.  What I want is to talk to my friends.  I want them to know more of me and I want to be honest with them.  I think it will bring a lot of interesting moments.  Also, I look forward to solidifying  my friendships.  This is something I could never have done before coming out, so I want to enjoy this.  Also I think I would like to spend some time with my brother.  I would like to know what's going through his mind.  All in all I want to do some follow-up after my coming outs.  It's weird but as great as it is that my homosexuality is accepted, I'm a bit disappointed that it hasn't raised more questions.  Maybe they're unsure on how to approach it, so I think I have to make the first steps.

As soon as I'll have something to share I'll do it and I also plan on exploring different topics / issues about homosexuality.  I have a few thought in mind, but I need to reflect on them.

In the meantime, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to comment on this post or previous posts.

JF

Revisiting my blog... and my life

Tonight, I decided to read all what I have written on my blog.  I wanted to see how I would react to it.  I have to say that it was not as intense as I would have thought.  I had a few tears reading my coming out to my parents and also a few shivers when reading about my coming out to my cousin Sandy.

However, for the most part, I didn't react a lot. 

It makes me think...  Maybe, as I have come to accept myself and have successfully come out to the most important persons in my life, I have distanced myself from my past and the fears I had.  It seems like I am really looking ahead, going forward. 

I can't help but think that it is a good thing.

I feel at peace and I am happy.  I don't know what life will bring me next, but I am looking forward to it.

So I begin

I'm looking for something like this



Hello everyone,

My name is JF and, as the picture above indicates, I'm gay.  Well, if I want to be true to some definitions, I'm bisexual, but I'm really more attracted to guys than to girls.  So I will more than often describe myself as being gay.

So I decided to start this blog for a few reasons. First of all, I have begun to come out and reading the blogs of other gays or bisexual really helped me to feel good about myself.  So I thought that if I can add my own experience to the blogosphere, it could also help some people out.  The blogs that I read were mostly of people of less than 25 years-old or some older guys talking about their various gay experiences.  I'm 30 and I never had any gay experience so far.  So I think that my blog will be somewhat different and that my perceptions could be different than the other bloggers.  So if some guys are like me and think that they're alone, they'll see that there's at least one like them (I actually hope there's at least one like me!!)

The second reason is that I realized that there is a lot of support and comprehension among gay bloggers and blog readers.  I don't really know some gay people, so it is not something that I can discuss and share.  I have been told that it could help me if I could discuss gay stuff with other gays.  So I think that doing this blog is a good step.

The upcoming posts, I will be telling my story so far, but after that, I'll try to talk about many gay-related issues.  I'll of course share what's happening in my journey "Going forward".  I thought that this was my perfect blog name because when I decided to accept myself as gay(bisexual), and to come out, it was because I had enough of the status quo and that I needed to go forward.

Oh yeah, please forgive me if some of my sentences don't make any sense. English is my second language, my first being French.  I write to the best of my knowledge, but some weird stuff could happen!  I may even create this blog in french, to help my fellow frenchmates out!

So welcome to my blog and feel free to comment, I don't bite!