Feeling lost, trapped.

Here is a translation of a letter I wrote to J, a guy I met at the end of June.  We've been on and off on various levels from friend to potential lovers.  I suppose someday I will tell you guys everything about him.  But in this letter you will still be able to have a an inside look at what has been going between us.

J,
Where to begin? I feel lost.I don't know which path to choose anymore.I have the feeling to be in a dead-end.I feel like my lack of sexual experience is a handicapand that plays a lot on my confidence and my ease with guys.

I've never wanted hookups with random guys.And this is not oing to change.I've always wanted some sort of connexionwold be established before starting to do more sexual stuff. As I think I have already told you, there are 4 guys with whom I have passed that step.You're the one with whom it happened the fastest. It was on our second date.  But you know, I was not really at ease because it was a bit too fast for me.  I'm pretty sure you thought I was lousy, so that's the reason. I was not ready to do more than what I did.  ( This being said, this letter is not meant to be an analysis of our relationship, just use references you know about to explain you ).

With the 4 guys I made that step however, you are the one with whom I went the less far.  With the others, it was more around the 3rd or 4th date.  I know it's not a much longer wait, but it seems like I'm like that.  And it was also more progressive.  During these 3rd or 4th dates, we didn't end up naked. It happened on the following date.  With you I ended up naked on that second date and even if I still felt good, was not comfortable enough to do more than what I did.

And now here is where things start going bad for me.  You see, if it is with you or with any other guy I coold possibly meet in the future, I'm sure that I lose lots of points for being that slow and uncomfortable. I wouldn't be surprise that it is a reason why S is seemingly not interested in me anymore after our first date.  I had told him before our date that I was not at ease speaking about sex because I had not a lot of experience.  During our date, I told him I had never had a boyfriend.  I think that it may be an accumulation of "odd" things that made him step back from me.

So you may understand thatmy self confidence is not very high.  I have the feeling that when i will be with another guy ( the odds of which seem very low at the moment) and that we will try to go further sexually, I will be so lousy that he will let me go as well, without giving me the chance to get learn and to get better.  I feel trapped.

My friend A was yelling me that metimes he was thinking of doing it with a guy to have that first time below his belt and not worry about that anymore. can understand, but as I wrote in the beginning, I don't want random sex, even if it would be to gain experience.But don't get me wrong.  I'm not waiting for the man of my life neither. The only time I was ready to do it with a guy and that the condom broke, knew in the bottom of my heart that I would never love this guy.But I was feeling comfortable enough with him to do it.

All this to say that I feel trapped. I need A to have B and I need B to have A.  And I possess none of them.

Oh yes, I was forgetting to other important points.

In addition to what I wrote above, also am very scared to get an STD, and that comes from even before the condom incident.  You could witness it on our second date, it does add a lot to my incomfort.

Also, I have the feeling that I miss or don't understand a lot of signals.I will go again with an exemple with you.  Last Saturday, when you were suddenly getting closer physically to me... I imagine that when you do this with other guys, you usually end up in bed with them.  But I was so confused about your intentions and feelings that I didn't know what to do.It's not as if I didn't want us to go further... There again my lack of experience was holding me back. And I was afraid to do something inappropriate. That I would do something and that you would push me back.The fear of reject keeps me from doing things.

I think I covered everything. You must think I'm so pathetic.But what I wrote, that's me, what I am. With my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears.

Why do I feel the need to tell all this to someone and that this someone is you? I ignore it.But one thing is sure, it's that it reflects my need to be true and honest and to hide nothing. I feel that need a lot since I have come out. But often, that huge load of authenticity scares people away, I experience it at times ( I experience it with you even). I hope that you will still appreciate me after all. I really do hope so.

JF

My deepest fear

This is a post I wanted to write a long time ago.  But I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't jinx myself by talking about it before a certain event happened.

About 10 days ago, I received the results of the HIV test done 4 months after my possible infection.  The result was negative, as expected, but I was still a little tiny bit nervous.

It means that that chapter of my life has officially ended.  Of course the last months were not hard on me regarding that specific issue.  But I am still glad it is over.

Some of you may remember, but when I was starting my medication to prevent the possible infection to grow ( and to actually kill it), I talked about all this with my boss.  There is one aspect of the discussion we had that I didn't mention when I did my original post.

My boss told me that When I was thinking about HIV, all I could see was death.  I kinda acknowledged that, but it is not what I was seeing at all.  I didn't tell him what i was really seeing, probably because I was not sure how to express my thiughts, but also because I didn't need him ( and still don't) to know what I see.

When I thought I could have got HIV, the most shattering thing I would see was isolation, reject and loneliness.

I find it already dificult to find someone to build a relationship with.  I just don't know how I could do it if I was HIV+.  I know there are some support groups and various things.... but still.  Also, I didn't see myself revealing the news to the people around me.  That would have been too tough.  I wouldn't want them to pity me.  And I wouldn't want them to suffer ( especially my mom ) for that.  So what would that mean:  that barely a few months after I had revealed my biggest secret in the hope to be free and happy, I would have to hide a much more " shameful" secret.  I know that it would have been an accident if I had got it, but .... being HIV+ is not something you can be proud of, is it?  

I thought that I would have been so pathetic. A 30 yo guy who finally ends up in bed with someone after a lot of introspecion on what he wants his life to be, that the first time he does it, he gets infected and that it destroys all his hopes for the future.  

That's what I was seeing.

I feared to not be able to live the life I wanted to live and to be alone for the rest of my life.

PS.  this is my own actual view on the subject.  If you are HIV+, I hope that I didn't offend you.  Fear is very powerful when facing the unknown.  I do hope that some HIV+ persons manage to have a happy life and don't feel the isolation I so feared and still fear.

That day at the clinic

Hey everyone

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, much has been going on and I didn't have the heart to sit and write.  I still have a lot to talk about!!!

So I wanted to go back through last Thursday when I learned that Flyman was clean.

Quite frankly, in the days before the D-Day, everything felt really normal.  I didn't feel any more pressure or stress than usual.  I do think that I was confident that I was gonna be ok.  I think that the support I got from my readers, as well as from my friends in the chat room and also from my boss really helped me.  As you can see, I had not told anyone from my family or friends about it.  I just didn't want to scare them for nothing. 

My boss knew cause he had seen something was going wrong with me and he made me confident enough to tell him everything.  His support was really a key to my comfort because ....  I don't really know why.  It was just awesome to know that he supported me and respected me through it all. Sometimes he acts like a father with me and it was definitely a good thing for me during that period of my life. 

So I left work at 11 and went at Flyman's place.  I was seeing him for the first time in 3 weeks and it didn't feel as awkward as i would have thought.  I ate a bit there and by noon we were leaving for Montreal.  The road went well, we kinda caught back on what happened in our lives.  We were not that chatty.  For my part it was not because of stress.  Maybe a little discomfort, but really slight.  He was confident too that he was clean.

We arrived at the clinic around 1:30.  Less than 30 minutes later the doctor greeted us and we both went together, even if we had our appointments separately.  At one point he asked for how long we had been together.  I told him that we were not anymore.  It shocked him.  He said that usually, exes don't go in the doctors office together.  We told that we were both comfortable with it. 

So Flyman had his exam and then he had to leave to fill a form and have a small sample of blood taken for the quick HIV test, (which was THE most important thing for the day since it had been just over 2 months since his unprotected relation with another guy).  In the meantime, I was to be examined by the doctor as well.  I told him I was surprised that it seemed so rare that 2 guys who were not together anymore would come together at the doctor.  He asked me why we weren't together anymore and I told him that it just didn't click enough.

He took a blood sample from me as a follow up to the treatment I had followed.  He told me that I should as well take the quick test so I said OK.  After that was done, I left as well to fill a form and give a small blood sample for the quick test.  When I gave my form to the receptionist, she told me I had to wait 30 minutes.  So I told Flyman that we had to wait 30 minutes before giving our blood sample and then 30 minutes before getting the results.  So we sat in the waiting room and started playing a game on his phone.

After a bit more than 20 minutes, the doctor called me to go in his office.  I was really surprised and didn't understand what was going on.  So I went with him.  In his office, he told me that the test was negative and that he was confident that even if my unprotected act was less than 2 months ago, I would have good results.  I was REALLY confused.  I told him that I had not given my sample yet.  He said that the laboratory probably took a sample from the blood sample I took that was meant to evaluate the treatment.  So he told me to continue being safe and he wished me luck.. i thanked hi and I left, still baffled by what had just happened.

As I was going back tothe waiting room, I realized that Flyman had not received his results yet.  That had to mean something bad.  He had given his blood before me so his results should have come up before mine!  I became worried that it meant that the doctor chose to tell him after me because his results were positive.

As I sat, the doctor called him and he went with him.  That's where I became really nervous!  I was thinking: "Please come out soon, please come out soon", as the longest it took, the more probable he would receive some bad news.

Happily, he came back maybe less than a minute later, all smiles.  He said that he was clean!  I was relieved!

We left the clinic and I was kinda shocked.  Flyman asked me if I was relieved.  I told him that I didn't know how I was feeling.  I promptly sent my boss a message that was only a smiling smiley (  :)  ). 

We got out of the building and I was still in shock.  Like I said in my previous post, I think that my brain didn't know how to process everything.  It happened really fast and we got the results when we thought we had not even given blood samples for the quick test.

So I brought him back to his place.  We chatted a bit and I told him how surprised I was that the doctor told him after me that he was clean.  If I had been the doctor, I would have told him in the first place to avoid the other guy (me) being so worried.  I was that shocked that I took the wrong road (was heading for my town instead of his).

I left Flyman and we said that we should meet someday soon.  I went back at my place and at around 5 I was back home.  It had been quite a day!

I ate, wrote my post, went into the chat room to tell my friends I was OK.  Then I went at the LGBT meeting.  After the meeting, I chatted a bit with the leader I had talked to about my problems 3 weeks before ( I believe I wrote about it). 

As I explained in my last post, I'm surprised that I didn't have strong emotions about everything.  Even now, after a great weekend, it almost seems like all that was a dream.  I'm not sure what to think about it...  I don't understand my emotions or lack of them... 

I mean, I'm not going all crazy about it and I'm still doing very fine!  But I just don't get it!!

We're clean!!

Hi!!  Just a little update to let you know that Flyman is clean and that so am I!!

My brain doesn't know hot to react to the good news.  I feel pretty much tired and I have a small headache and my legs hurt.  That usually means that I'm tired, that I haven't eaten enough during the day or that my stress level is going down.  It's probably a mix of all of these causes.

I haven't been overly happy and I only had a few tears in my eyes....  My brain really doesn't know what to do!!

Where is the sadness?

The first few days after the accident were quite weird.  Fear, anxiety, despair, disbelief were common.  The return at work on Tuesday was hard.  Tears were often coming to my eyes, but I would always make them go away.  Some people noticed that I was not going well, but they didn't bother me.

At the end of the day, my boss told me that if I ever wanted to talk he was there. I said that I was not ready to talk.

I had talked about my situation to a few persons in the chat room, it helped me go through it.  The next morning, I felt really desperate and about to break down.  I wrote to the guy who leads the LGBT meetings, asking him if we could meet the same night.

During the day he responded and we arranged a meeting at the local where we have our reunions.  Bizarrely, I had had quite a happy afternoon and my mood was totally different then on the same morning.  So I told him what happened  when we met early in the evening.  It was not easy of course, but I didn't break down.  It was good talking about it face to face with someone.  He also comforted me and I was really surprised that I was not crying yet.  It felt like I needed to cry and break down but it didn't happen.  But I was still happy to have talked about it with someone.

The rest of the week, my emotions kept being unstable.  Trivial things would bring tears to my eyes.  I was just chatting with Jack about a TV show during Friday's lunch and I felt so happy and emotional to be having that conversation with him.

Last Monday, early in the morning I went to see my boss to explain him what happened 2 weekends before, that would explain everything.  I told him that I had very slim chances of having caught HIV.  He was shocked, but he was very good with me.  I don't think I could ask for a better boss.  He's very supportive and he doesn't mind that I miss work time because I need to leave early in order to take my meds.  He offered me time to talk / cry / laugh if I need it.

Since then, I had mostly a good week, but I'm often getting emotional every now and then, not thinking about the fact I may be sick, but because of how good people have been with me.  Apart from that, I'm starting to be in a happier mood.  But, at times, like now, I'm scared again.  I'm not sad, just scared and disturbed. 

I haven't cried like a baby yet and I have not broken down.  I suppose it will come when I get Flyman's results.  Hopefully it will be the end of the story and I will be able to let everything out.

Tritherapy

Hi gang,

first of all, thanks for your words of encouragment.  It really helps me.  I feel more and more confident that I will be OK.

The tritherapy I am following lasts 28 days.  I have to take my pills at the same time everyday in order to have more chances of success.  I take them after dining at 5:15PM.   I take 2 different pills.  1 of the first and 4 of the second.  I suppose the 3 meds making the tritherapy are mixed in the 2 different pills or I don't know why it is called a tritherapy then!  The pills are huge!!  Like twice or maybe more of the size of an aspirin.  The first 2 or 3 can be digested quite easily but the last ones are always tougher.  I don't think I have ever taken such big pills before.

The side effects mentionned by the doctor were:

- headaches

- digestic "turbulence"

- diarrhea

- nausea

- fatigue.

He told me that the effects were the worst during the first week.

The first evening I took the meds, I started having small cramps and I felt stuff moving (and flowing!) in my belly.  I woke up at 1AM and I was still having small cramps and I was starting to have a headache as well.  I woke up again at 2AM and the nausea had started. I tried to vomit but it didn't work.  I felt bad but not like it was the end of the world.    However I was thinking that I wouldn't be able to go to work if I was to keep the nausea in the morning.  Fortunaltely, when I woke up only the headache was still present.  However I was not feeling so well overall, but good enough to go to work.  When I arrived at work, I had my only episode of diarrhea so far.  After that, I felt better.

Tuesday evening, I started to have some cramps again.  I woke up again during the night but didn't feel nauseous.  Wednesday morning, at the end of my shower, I started feeling nauseous again and as I stepped out of the shower I vomited my breakfast.  That was the only time I vomited so far.  Since then, I have not really had cramps or headaches and I have not felt nauseous again.  However, I notice that every morning, I have to go slower than I normally do, because I don't feel so well.  It's only around 10AM that I start feeling myself again.  Apart from that, I felt really tired one night, but that's about it.

I feel lucky that the side effects have not been really strong for me.  It helps me to stay in a good mood (relatively speaking).  I'll continue being careful in the morning and stay in bed as long as I feel it is better to stay in.

The day after

**  If you have no read the previous entry "A weekend I'll remember", please read it before reading the current entry.  **


Monday morning, I called work to say I wouldn't go because of an unexpected situation.  I drove to Montreal to go to the specialized clinic.  I arrived there at around 10.  I told them I thought I may have been infected by HIV 24 hours prior to that.  They arranged a meeting with a doctor to see what are the risks for me and if I could start tri-therapy to kill the virus when it's not too late.  Apparently, within 72 hours of infection, it is possible to kill all of the virus if you start taking meds.  According to the doctor I saw a bit later, tri-therapy has good chances of success.

In the waiting room, I tried to keep my tears because it was just so crazy.  Before meeting the doctor, I saw a nurse who asked me a few questions and then he took a blood sample from me and I also gave a pee sample.  After that, I saw the doctor and we talked about my situation.

I explained how the possible infection had occured and he said that since there was no ejaculation and that he didn't stay long in me after the condom broke, the odds were lessened.

I explained that the guy I had sex with had unprotected sex 4 months ago, with his previous boyfriend.  I said that he is expecting his results in 10 days.  He told me that there is a test he could do that has results within 30 minutes. This test is accurate for events happening 2 months and older before the test is done. So if Flyman passed the test, we would know if there was a possibility or not that I have been infected, since he had told me he didn't have unprotected sex after breaking up with his previous boyfriend.

Flyman had offered me the night before to come with him, but I needed to be alone to do it.  So I had declined his offer.  I had not realized that we could have more informations if he had come with me.  The doctor let me call him to see if I could go get him and bring him at the clinic to get him tested.

Flyman was about to start working, but his boss agreed to let him go for the day (he told her he had to go to the clinic for an emergency).  So I setup a new meeting with the doctor for later in the afternoon and I went to pick Flyman.  But before that, I chatted a bit more with the doctor and when we talked about the fact that it was on my first time that I could have got HIV, I became very emotional.  He asked me if I had been troubled for years before finally accepting to have sexual relationships with a man. I said that it was not the case, that I am fine with my past.  I was tearful only because I couldn't imagine my life with HIV cause I'm really scared of that.  Apart from that, I had been mostly emotionnaly stable.

It was in total a 2 hour drive to and from Flyman's place.  I explained to him what I had done at the clinic and a bit of what was waiting for him.  We didn't really talk about deep stuff, we listened to a funny CD I had in my car.  Before entering in the clinic, I told him that my health was more important than my pride and it was really important that he said the truth about unprotected sex.  I told him that I didn't care if he had sex with someone else after we started dating.  The important thing is that he gives us reliable information ith which I could take a good decision about starting the tri-therapy.  He sweared that he had not.

We entered in the clinic and he started being very nervous.  I comforted him, even if I am the one who is so scared of HIV.

We rapidly met my doctor and I swear if someone saw us he would not have thought that I was scared for my own health.  I was being all caring and calming for him.  Flyman wanted me beside him while he was giving his blood sample and had a quick physical exam by the doctor.  I'm not like him.  There are times where I need to be on my own. 

After he gave another blood sample for the 30-minutes test, we went in the waiting room.  We both got very emotional and I had tears in my eyes.  Then without me asking it, he confessed that he had had an unprotected relationship 5 weeks ago.  I said: "OK, I'll take the meds.  You did good by telling me because my health is really more important than my pride"  I called my insurances to see if they cover these meds and they said yes, at 75% (the cost is around 1700$ for the 28-days treatment).  10 minutes later, the doctor came to get us and brought us in his office.  He was happy to tell us that the results were negative.  We didn't jump because we knew that it was not a guarantee that he was not infected.  I told the doctor the confession Flyman had told me (he had asked me to do it).  The doctor said that with the test done, there were about 80% chances that it would have caught the virus if he was infected 5 weeks ago.  It leaves him with a 20% chances of being infected.

The doctor summarized the situation for me to take my decision about whether to take the meds or not.  But it was clear in my mind that I would take them.  There is absolutely no fucking way that I won't do anything in my will to make sure that I stay healthy.  The doctor says he is confident that Flyman was not infected 5 weeks ago and he was also confident that I had good chances of not being infected last Sunday (if Flyman is infected).  But I don't want to run the risk.  So I confirmed my choice to take the meds.

We also learned why the condom broke:  Flyman had used an oil-based lubricant!  I said "No it's not good!!"  I knew it has to be water-based, but I never thought of checking the lube he used.  I'm a bit frustrated at myself because it seems that I have been super cautious about everything... except that.  And that's where we were not safe.  Flyman said he has both kinds of lube, but it was the first time he used the oil-based with a condom and he didn't know it breaks them....

We took an appointment for March 7th, after my therapy ends and also by that time, Flyman will be able to pass the test again to be sure of his own health situation.  So this means that I will know if I took the meds for nothing only a few days after I will have ended the treatment.  After that I bought the meds, the pharmacist repeated what the doctor had told me about the treatment and the side effects (I will explain that in a later post).  Finally, we left and took the road again so that I would bring Flyman back at his place.

On our way, we stopped at a restaurant and I took my meds for the first time.  It is important to start the treatment as soon as possible in order to kill the virus when it has not multiplied too much.  So I started the therapy 31 hours after my possible infection, which is still good (within the 72 hours limit, but a bit off the 24 hours that is even better).  After that we hit the road back and by 6:30 we were at his place.  We didn't talk much on the road and at his place, we cuddled and hugged a bit.  We both needed some warmth.

I left at 7:30 and was back home at about 8.  We chatted a bit again on Skype and by the time I went to sleep, I had not experienced any side effect yet.

***

I've been trying to remember in what mood I was for the day, but it's been difficult, somehow.  I think the doctor got me in a good mood and that allowed me not to stress too much about it.  Of course I was still in shock, but I was not in a desperate state.  Anyways, now there is nothing more I can do than take my meds, wait and hope for Flyman the he was not infected.

One last thing.  I've been avoiding to read stories about tri-therapy on the internet because I fear to read some bad stories.  So, please, it would be very appreciated if you don't feed me with bad / horror stories. 

A weekend I'll remember (not for the best reasons)

Friday night, Flyman was invited to another party and he invited me to join him.  Unfortunately, the friends at that party were not the same as the ones the week before, so it was going to be tough again for me to be sociable.

The funniest part of the evening was when Flyman introduced me to a specific friend.  That guy asked me:  "Are you the guy with whom Flyman is spending time, but you're not too sue about where your relationship is going!??"  I replied, with a small grin on my face: "Yeah... that's me, and it's about like you describe it, yes!"  It's too bad that I was to slow to think about saying something more like "What??  Flyman, who is he talking about? Who have you been seeing??"  That would have been pretty funny, but it was not meant to be!

I got to chat a bit with Flyman as we were watching other guys play pool and it was a good time.  After a while, he was getting really tired so we quit.  Back at his place, we went to bed, but he was really too tired to "play", so we called it a night.

I don't think I slept a minute during the whole night.  I had a lot of difficulty to get to sleep the first time I had slept there too, but this time was really worst.  Saturday morning, he had to go to work, so we didn't get time to play once again.  I drove him to work and then went back to my place to do a few chores.  In the afternoon, I had to go to my parents, cause I had told my mother I would do some tiling in her new kitchen.

When I started the tiling, I told my mom I couldn't stay after passed 5PM, cause I had a dinner at 7.  She asked me with who it was and I told her it was with a guy I had been seeing for the last 3 weeks.  She didn't know about him yet and she asked me a few questions about how we met, what we've done so far etc...  She was a bit suprised by the news, but I think she was happy, even if she is worried about STD's (the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree).

After I had done enough of the tiling , I went back at my place to prepare for the dinner and go get Flyman.  I was expecting that dinner for 2 days!!  It was 2 gay friends of his sister who were inviting us (and Flyman's sister family).  To be honest, I don't think I had been in the presence of a couple of gay guys before, so I was really looking forward to meet them. 

The place was terrific!!  They live in a very luxuous loft and I was really impressed by it. Flyman had never been there neither and he was as amazed as I was.  I realized that our hosts probably were not very impressed by the bottle of wine that we had bought at the grocery store to give them as a thank you gift.  Neither of us knew how rich they were!!  They were welcoming and they prepared a very nice 5-sets dinner. 

However, as the evening went on, I really didn't feel like I was belonging there. The hosts (the gay guys) and Flyman's sister are a bit snooty so I was looking forward to the moment we would go back at Flyman's place.  I was also really tired from the day and not having slept the night before.

I was a bit disappointed at a few of one of the hosts remarks.  He was asking me stuff about how Flyman and I met and about my past.   To him I seem like an alien because I don't party at the gay bars.  It seems like THE thing to do for a guy my age.  I felt like he was trying to ridiculize me and it was not so amusing.

I was happy to leave when we did and on the way back, I expressed my feelings about the evening to Flyman and he told me that he had felt the same way.  Back at his place, I was really tired and was looking to finally be able to have a good sleep in his bed.  I tried to put the luck on my side:  I made him close the door like I do when I'm in my own room (he uses to keep it open); we switched sides in bed so that I would be on my "usual" side; and I brought a glass of water to drink during the night if ever I had the dry throat ( I had coughed because of the dryness of his room the 2 times I had slept there).

I ended up having a good night sleep, but maybe it was just because I was really tired.  In the morning, we had lots of time for ourselves because he didn't have to go to work and I also had nothing else scheduled.  We finally had time to "play" together.  After a few minutes, I asked him if he wanted to be my top.  I was feeling good enough to do this with him for my first time.  I knew he would try not to hurt me.

It was a bit awkward at first to lube all what needed to be lubed.  He was of course wearing a condom and he tried to enter me.  We needed a bit of adjustment and I told him to get out when he went too far cause it really hurt!!  After that he was even more careful.  We tried a few positions so we could both be comfortable (I kept pushing his penis out unwillingly). 

We had not even started having fun when the condom broke!!!!

That's really not a pleasant thing to learn when you don't know if your partner has HIV or not.  I really freaked out and I'm still freaking out (I'm writing this post the same night the event happened which is Sunday the 3rd).  Tomorrow (Monday the 4th) I will go at a specialized clinic in Montreal and try to do everything to prevent / treat / be evaluated.

I just can't believe that with me being so cautious and scared about STDs, the first time ever I have a sexual relation, the condom breaks and I'm at risk of being infected.  Flyman is really convinced that he doesn't have HIV and he's supposed to get his results in the next few days to confirm it (he was tested 3 weeks ago).  But what if??

I've been crying a lot today.  I can't imagine my life with HIV.  I don't want that.

I really don't want that.

STD's

One of the things that helps me go "slow" sex-wise is my fear of STD's.

I just can't imagine having a risky behaviour like some people I hear stories from.  I have a black fear of getting sick and have the rest of my life ruined because of STD's.  Safe sex is really important to me and I have to admit that I have always feared that dating would have me face that issue.  I fear that if I want to play safe, some guys could get uninterested in me.  But, it is not a risk I am willing to take.

Flyman has been tested a few weeks ago.  His results are negative, but he has not received his HIV results yet.  He has offered me a few blowjobs, but I have always turned the offer down.  I'm actually afraid that since he has really sensible gums, there could be some bleeding in there and that I could get infected if ever he has HIV. (I have asked a nurse about it and am still waiting for her answer).

I'm really lucky that Flyman has never pushed me to do things I didn't want to.  I haven't told him yet how much I fear STD's, apart from that moment when I told him that whoever he has sex with next, to please protect himself because his health is worth much more than a good fuck.