A year ending

With the year ending, I cannot help but reflect on all the things that I lived, experimented this year.  Even without it being the New Year's Eve, I was actually already trying to figure out a few things and am challenging some other things.

I guess the hardest thing for me this year, is to deal with other guys.  So far in my life, like you coulkd have read in my earlier entries, almost all that was happening to me depended on me, on my own decisions.  This certainly couldn't continue the same way while trying to meet guys and find a boyfriend.  Obviously, I now have to deal with other people's decisions, emotions and behaviors (all of which often baffle me).  And I suppose that it's just the beginning, because I have yet to be in a true relationship (I split up with Marky... more details to come).

Apart from that, I have lived many new things:  started profiles on dating sites, set my first date up, had my first date, my first kisses, I saw another man naked, I touched another guy, I had my first attempt at sex (which went wrong!!) , my first health fears, my first breakup, my first time that I really clicked with a guy, the first time that it backfired, the first time another guy slept with me in my bed and some other sexual firsts.

I had my first heartbreak ( with SL), even if I can't say that I was in love with him.  I had my first kisses in public, my first realization that I was still thinking about another guy (SL) when I was dating another guy... which led to me breaking up with that latter guy.

I have also had the most bizarre relationship with J.  After my 2 first dates with him, I thought we were meant for each other and I was on cloud 9.  However, things slowly changed and his interest in me was suddenly gone, without me knowing why.  Followed days and weeks of confusion.  He stopped talking to me for a while, then he finally accepted to talk to me again.  From there on, we went to being friends, to potential lovers again, to friends, to sleep buddies, to friends (I actually had my trip to Mexico with him)....  It is really a friendship that is not easy, because I have a feeling of unfinished business with him and I have to admit that there has been no day since I've known him that I haven't thought about him.  Yet, I don't even think that I could be happy with him.  But my heart can't forget him.  There are days where all is fine when I see him as a friend, but some other days, my heart still beats differently for him.

Some might say that it is an unhealthy relationship.  And I may agree.  In addition, he represents a few things that I don't like about the ''gay world''.  But we are still friends.  Even if he exasparates me sometimes, I see it as a learning experience.  He challenges my beliefs and my attitude regularly and I do think that it is a good thing, even if I'm hurt at times.

(Wow, I had not planned on talking so much about J, but he does occupy an important part in my life).

I went to my first gay bars, my first strippers club (males and female haha).  I saw my first drag queen shows.  I went dancing for the first time with another guy.  I had more new sexual experinces and I finally had sex without drama.

I also felt new things, beautiful or bad.  I felt things that I didn't even know I could feel and others that I didn't even know existed.

It was quite a year, yes if I look at this huge list.  However, I still seek for more obviously.  I feel like I'm really ready for a true loving relationship and that has not come in 2013.  It's obviously something I wish I will get in 2014.

I also wish to continue to open myself more, but to still respect my values.  I want to continue to challenge myself and to be challenged.  If there is one thing that I do not want, it is the status quo.  That's why I need to open up and challenge myself.  If I don't do that, I won't feel alive.  It's something that I've come to realize lately.  Hopefully I will feel very alive in 2014.

I hope you will all have a great year and see you soon :)

JF

Rites of passage

During my visit in San Diego, I visited the Museum of Man.  ( more anthropologic than anatomic lol). One of the exhibits was about rites of passage in different cultures.

In my opinion, the rites of passage in many cultures were much more important and valuable than those in the occidental world.  Let's just think of the young australian aborigenes who go in the outback of the country for more than a week if I remember well to become a man.  In another culture,  boys become men once they have achieved to run naked on top of a row of bulls 4 times.  In another, boys are brought outside the village and are thought by other men the rules of their society, how to hung and they are also teached about sex.

Compared to what we have in the occidental world ( sweet 16, prom, drivers license -- all rites outlined in the exhibit), I realize that we have lost something along the way.  Our rites of passage have multiplied, while their real impact on a boy or a girl is not as lasting.

Somehow I feel like I've missed an important rite of passage in my life.  While in the museum, I unvolutarily had tears to my eyes, as I think that it must be something very fulfilling to achieve these rites in these societies.

However, there was one particular rite of passage that cought my attention: the coming-out.  I was surprised to realize that I had not seen my coming-out(s) as a rite of passage.  However, it definitely was, in retrospect.  And I think that I totally saw it as a rite of passage, since I needed to do this difficult step, prior to try to become what I want to be.  I needed to achieve my rite of passage before even considering being with another man.  In other words, I needed to do it to become a man.

In a way, I feel glad to be gay to have lived this rite of passage, because straight people don't have to do it before becoming a man or a woman.  Somehow, I feel like I have proven better who I am and that I belong here and that I deserve what I want.

Crazy nights in San Diego

I just finished 2 weeks of vacation.  During a first week marked by upsets, I decided that I needed to fly away and luckily, I have a friend in San Diego who could host me for my second week.  So on the first wednesday of my vacation, I purchased plane tickets for San Diego from Saturday to the next saturday.

I arrived in San Diego at almost midnight on saturday night, and I had been travelling for about 12 hours already so I was really empty .  My friend ( who is also gay) wanted to go out to see the strippers in a bar, but I really needed to go relax and sleep.

The next night though, we went to 2 bars (for those who know the bars there: Flicks and Rich's).  It was not a very busy night.  We didn't stay long in any of the bars.  My friend couldn't find any of his friends but it was ok for me, it was my first official visit in a gay bar !!

It was really cool to see guys being together and being comfortable for being who they are and loving what they love.  I did see a very hot guy with a purple baseball hat ( did I ever mention I have a thing for baseball hats?!? hahaha)

We went back home quite early, I think it was around midnight hahah! Not so crazy you will say... well I agree :). But it was still crazier then Monday when we stayed home haha!

Tuesday night we went to see a movie: 2 guns, with Mark Wahlberg.  A good movie, although I thought that there were too many people involved in the plot.  But MW was nice to look at of course! Wednesday we went to meet some of his friends and it was relax but nice.

OK, the craziness is about to start haha!!

On thursday evening, we went to see some other of his friends.  One of them came to talk to me and we chatted for a while.  We even talked about going for a hike the next saturday before I left, with another of his friends ( we eventually did go on that hike on Saturday afternoon!).  We eventually all went to Flicks and I got to chat more with the other guys in that group.  They were all really nice guys.  If I was to go live in San Diego I'm sure they would be my friends.  After a while there, the group decided to go at Bourbon, where yhere was a wet underwear contest hahahah!!  Do I need to say that it was going to be the first time I would attend such an event!?

To my great pleasure, my favorite guy won the contest!! he was REALLY cute and hot and sexy lol.  I tried to find some pics on the net of him but apparently no pic of him winning the contest is on the net :(.   Furing the contest, one guy came talking to me.  Pretty rapidly, the conversation turned to this:

Him: Do you like asian guys? (he's asian!)

Me: ( I think I laughed out of nervousness.  I didn't reply. But I don't think he took it wrong as then ...)

Him: Do you wanna hook up tonight?

Me: No!

Hehehe! another first!!  I seriously have nothing against asian guys and there are some that I find really cute and sexy, but the bottom line is that I am not into that!!

A bit later, as me and my friend were leaving and were outside, I saw the contest winner and I am surprised that I shouted :" Hey congrats!!"

Another first for me. But what is even more suprising about me is what happened next.  He saw me and acknowledged his congratulations. But then there was a small awkward moment when we both didn't know what to do.  I then went to him and hugged him and I said again " congrats!" ( oh btw he had his clothes back on at that moment hahaha).  Then I went away smiling.  I kinda regret not having chatted a bit with him or maybe try to get a feel of his butt, but I didn't think about that hahah!  Next time I suppose :)

The next day (friday) we got a text from one of my frind's friend and it was actually saying: " Hey guys, tonight is JF's last night in San Diego and let's make it a fun night for him. Let's go out tomight and party with him"

That was really sweet! What a good guy he is! They actually usually go out on saturdays, not fridays. So they moved their gathering for me! It was really nice from him to think about that and from the other guys to join us!

Before going out, my frien and I went for dinner in an italian restaurant!  He made me taste his calamari..... I almost threw up :( what a disgusting texture and taste!!  Did I ever mention I don't like seafood??

But!! I had something much more exciting happening to me during our time at the restaurant! There was this super hot guy who was sat right in front of me, and I could watch him a lot haha!!  It's only the next day or the other that I realized that the guy I saw was very probably this guy:

The very sexy (porn) actor Adam Whirtmore!!  I'm sure it was him!  He was actually looking sexyer than on that pic and had a nice green bandana. 

After dinner, we joined my new friends at Flicks ( again haha) and started drinking there before heading to Rich's.  At Rich's, there were gogo dancers and it was  new first for me to withess that hehe.  There's one of them that I didn't like at all. he obviously was way too full of himself and didn't seem nice at all.  I liked more to watch those who seemed to have fun!  Anyways, my new friends wanted me to go tip them! but there was no way I was going to do that hahahah.  Not that I would not have appreciated slipping a dollar bill under one of the hotties undies, but seriously, there is something really weird about all that for me. Maybe I'll come back on this on a future post.

We danced a lot and it was actually the first time I was dancing in a gay bar.  For anyone who has never been in a gay bar, if you've been in a " regular" bar, you have seen the same thing, except that in the gay bar, guys touch and kiss each other together instead of doing that to girls.  Once again, there was something weird for me about that promiscuity and sexualization of the dance at times.

I admit that I did dance with a guy (another first) and I was holding him and it was nice.  But there was something... missing... as there was no other connection between us then the physical one.

All and all, it was another great night and I really enjoyed it.  Oh!  and near the end, I saw again the hottie from the restaurant and he was dancing really well!!

The next night, I again missed the strippers, as I was at the airport for my flight back.  My friend made me realize that next time I visit him, I have to make sure to have my full weekend available as there is alot of action happening!!!

Of course, it was not a crazy week at all!! It was a good, fun and refreshing one and I'm glad to have done it and very happy of the firsts I experienced and that I managed to make friends quite easily!  I need to find friends like that here!!

First anniversary!

Yay!  It's been a year I started this blog and I'm so happy I did!

Even if I knew I wanted to be super honest, I didn't know that that honesty and "openness" would also develop in other aspects of my life.  I actually sometimes have to stop myself from saying a few things to some people because I think it would be inappropriate.  What a change from the guy who kept all his feelings for himself :)

A good example is this week at work, there were some gardeners doing work outside and from my window I could see them.  Just as one hot guy was working below my window, Vickie called me to settle a problem.  I went to see her and I told her it was really a bad timing because of the show she made me miss.  She was like " Huhhh??"  So I explained that I was missing the hot gardener on all fours on the ground.  She was shocked and said: "OMG there is only you to say that!!!"  It was funny, but I did miss the show in the end :(  Anyways, I would never have imagined to say something like that before!!

Gay friends and more online dating adventures

I have not written for more than a week! What a shame!

The matter of the mact is that I have thought probably everyday to post something, but I think I've become lazy haha!!  I do have post subjects that pop up in my mind regularly (even in the middle of the night).

But since it is already late, let's just go with a quick post about gay friends.

I believe I have already expressed that I think it is a really cool thing for a gay guy to have other gay friends.  Apart from friends online, I don't have gay friends.  Well, I didn't have.

Drum rolls.......

I had my first "friend date" with Flyman last Saturday.  We were both bored and we started chatting on Skype and we decided to meet the same night.  He actually has a new boyfriend which he loves, but he was away for the night!!  I asked Flyman if it was ok for everyone that we would see each other.  He texted his bf and he said it was ok!

We stayed together for about 2 hours. The time to go rent a movie and watch a movie.  We had a really pleasant time.  I'm glad we did it and I certainly hope we can meet again.  And I would also like to meet his boyfriend, if everone is ok with that!!

Yesterday, on the dating site I have also written to 2 couples who said they were looking to make new friends.  Now if what they want is a sex friend, this is not what I am looking for!  But they haven't replied yet, so we will see. 

I just think it would be a great addition in my life if I had more gay friends.

In other news, it is totally over with The Cook.  Last Saturday it was pretty clear for me that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. So I wrote him that he could at least tell me why he wasn't interested in me anymore.  He didn't bother reply!!

Yesterday night, I was super tired.  Yet, I logged on the dating site and found 3 guys I thought would be interesting to chat with.  They all replied and I have continued talking to 2 of them tonight.  One of them doesn't bring a lot of conversation, so it is always a bit frustrating.  But the other one has more things to say and......

We have a tennis date next Sunday.  I think it will be really cool to meet a guy in such a setting and I'm really looking forward to that!  From what he says he looks pretty much for the same thing as me, so that is a big plus (even bigger than the fact he looks like a total hottie!!)

Hollidays' surprises

A helpful friend

I was talking to Jack about my "waiter's misfortunes".  I ended up telling him how much I would like that everybody would magically know that I'm gay and that I would not have to tell again.  He suggested me to start talking about it himself to people at work.  I asked him if he was really comfortable with it and he said he was.  That really touched me...  I'm really happy to have a friend like him.  We go back to work tomorrow, so there should be some news about that in the near future.

Chatting

I got more time to chat during the break. I ended up getting to know some of my friends even better and we laughed a lot.  It was really nice spending more time with them, even if it was virtual.  They made me have an even better break!

Almost like parting with an old friend

During the countdown to the New Year, 10 seconds before the New Year, I was hit by emotions.  Suddenly, I was sad to leave 2012 behind.  So many beautiful things have happened to me in 2012, I was feeling sad to let it behind.  I think it was really the first time in my life that a New Year brought emotions like that for me.  Happily, I am sure that 2013 will bring its load of very positive stuff as well.  After all, I am "going forward" :)  Still, I feel like I let an old friend behind me.

More gayness in the family!

At the New Year's party with my mother's family, I was surprised to see that one of my girl cousin had brought a girl with her.  The girl was never presented as her girlfriend and I didn't notice any "loving" moment between the two of them.  I was wondering, of course!!  I sent her a message on Facebook asking if they were friends or lovers.  I specified that either way, it was cool that she had brought the girl at the party.  She replied to me saying that they were lovers.  She told me that she thought it was a good thing to do so.  I told her that I was looking for the moment to bring my boyfriend to a family party!!  She was surprised!! Haha!!  We got to chat for a few minutes about our own personal lives.  I think it will be good for both of us to know that we're not alone in the family (although for me, things should be a little more delicate on my father's side).  We will probably meet face to face during next weekend to talk a lot more about it and I'm looking forward to that!  She'll send me a message tomorrow to confirm when she can meet me.  That should be a nice evening :)

Happy New Year to everyone!!! We all deserve it!!

The brighter and darker sides of opening up

I have noticed how willing I am to talk about what is happening to me with my "real world" friends.  The first one I talked about my shopping adventure was actually Janice, even if we have not yet officially ended our disagreement.  It's not that I wanted to tell it specifically to her, but I wanted to talk about it the day after I met the selesman and she was the first I met on MSN Messenger.

I figured that since she's a girl, she would love to gossip about i anyways and that it would be good for our "friendship".  I told her what happened, but she rapidly had to leave, but I told her that she could talk about it to Jack.

During the week, I really wanted to talk about it to Jack and I was even mad when I couldn't go as far as I wanted (because of various restrictions).  Luckily, I could finally meet him last Sunday and I got to tell him all the story from beginning to the fact that I had discovered that my salesman had a girlfriend and that I still wanted to try to meet Prospect #1.

I really surprised myself at how easy for me it was to tell all this and also mostly how much I wanted to simply talk about it.  Only a few months ago I would have thought that I would have wanted to keep my crush a secret.  But it is not the case at all.  That is definitely something positive in my life at the moment.

A less positive aspect of my life at the moment is actually not happening to me.  The thing is that I open up on the chat room too and I meet new friends.  So far so good!  I get to talk about myself and my friends talk about themselves.  However, for two of them, they're having real hard times right now.  I believe they are way too hard on themselves and I try to convince them that they are good people.  But it's really hard to do simply by chat.  By opening up to them, they have opened up to me, but I can't help them the way they need to be helped and that saddes me.  I wish I could be beside them and give them big huggs, but it is not possible.  There's an imbalance between my opening up and my ability to help people and it's hard to manage.

Finally, on a more positive note, I came out to one of my coworkers today.  I invited her for lunch and I told her I was gay in the parking of the restaurant before entering.  Her reaction was: "What, is it only that you wanted to tell me?"  (When I invited her, I told her I wanted to explain her why I had been weird sometimes in the past).  My answer was that no, it's not only that I wanted to tell her, but it was the explanation of my weird behavior from the fall of 2011.  She had noticed how weird I was around the time I came out to my parents, so I was happy to finally tell her what had been going on.

We had a really good lunch together, it was really fun to talk about my life to her and she was really happy for me to accept who I am and she was also happy that I simply told her.  I told her about the whole shopping "situation" and that I do want to be in a relationship.  We also talked about the next girl I want to come out to at work before "spilling the beans" to everyone.  We talked about how I could tell her and it was really funny. It's the girl I have already mentioned who has a fixation about gays, so we had a lot of material to find out how I could tell her I'm gay.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go back to the store for more "shopping adventures" and a scarf!!  I hope something positive can come out of it.

Shopping for a man. Part 1

I've been on a small rollercoaster of emotions the recent days.

Last Thursday I had decided to creat an account on a dating site that I had seen had a few guys from my region.  Once logged in, I realized that on average, they had not logged in for about 2 years!! That was a bummer.  So I decided to create an account on another site.  Then again, there is nobody from my region.  Bigger bummer.

On Friday night, I was a bit depressed about it even if I recognized that I was being impatient.

On Saturday morning, I remembered that there was a guy who works in the local mall who I think is cute and is probably gay (I know, stereotypes.... but I have no gaydar at all!!)  So with a lot of fear and the support from some friends on the gay chat room, I decided to go see the guy and try something.

I went to the mall and arrived in front of his boutique (a clothes' boutique).  I saw he was there, but there were also at least 3 other "salesman/woman" and a few customers so I was really intimidated.  I think I panicked and I decided to go back in my car to breath.  I stayed there for 30 minutes before entering in the mall again.  There were less customers so eventually I decided to enter.

Of course, there was a flaw in my plan, as it is not the guy I wanted to see that approached me to help me with my shopping, but another one!!  But, as a consolation, that new guy was really hot!  I was trying to get glimpses at the guy I went there to see, but he doesn't really cared about me  (I  thought maybe he could have recognized me but maybe not... he didn't show interest in me at all).  So I started looking at different pieces of clothes for the upper body.  The hot guy was very nice with me and when I noticed his butt, I started to forget the other guy LOL.

It turns out that I think that the hot guy was trying to flirt with me.... but I'm not 100% sure.  He was touching me a bit more than the usual salesman.  But, what rang the alarm in my head was when he was trying to convince me to buy a winter jacket.  I said no and to try to convince me a last time, he said "Maybe if I do the pretty eyes to you??"  And he did the pretty eyes!!!  After that he laughed to show that he was joking, but still...  I've asked a lot of people if there is a chance that he's straight if he did that and most would be shocked if he turns out to be straight.

In the end, I purchased 5 items and it cost me quite a bit!!!  But, after I had paid, he gave me the 2 bags of clothes and asked my name! (That has never happened to me before!!  There must really be something going on with that guy!!)  So I gave him my name and he return he told me his.  He thanked me for my time shopping and I thanked him for helping me. Then, I left.  I guess I should have tried to push things but I was just so surprised by everything....

Again, the fact that he asked my name, for those I asked, it seems like a big signs that he's interested in me.  I seriously don't know because I have no idea how the seduction signs work!!

So yesterday night I was quite happy!!!  I went shopping for a guy, but in the end, I picked another guy ( he picked me actually) and bought some clothes.  I had a smile on my face all night long yesterday.

Since I don't want him to forget me, I know I have to make a move soon.  I decided to go back to the mall today.  Sadly, my plan was not good at all, so I didn't meet him, even if I saw he was there. I try not to be so hard on myself about it.  I think I'm getting better now. 

My shopping is not over :)  I'll try to go back this week.  I really don't know what his schedule is and I want to see him when there is not a lot of people around.  I'll go on y lunchtimes, hoping that he's there and that nobody shops clothes on lunchtime!  Did I mention that apart from being very cute, he's also very sweet and nice and adorable??

So, what do you guys think??  What are the odds that he's interested in me??

(to be continued when something happens!!)

"My world getting bigger"

Thanks to Brad for inspiring me today's post title.

Brad had a comment similar to that quote on my latest post, explaining that I can be more of me and that my friendships will get better with my sexual orientation revealed.  I think it's very true, it seems like a world of possibilities is opening to me.

The quote also explains two other things that happened to me in the last week.  But before, I want to share a discussion I had with Jess yesterday at work.  To put things in the context, since the return to work on Monday, everything was cool between her and me and it was as normal as ever with her boyfriend Stan.  I was expecting Stan to be a bit more reserved towards me, but he was not at all, he even seemed more at ease with me.  I ended up wondering if Jess had told him.  So yesterday I asked her:

Me: So, did you tell Stan?

Jess: You mean... about you?

Me: Yes

Jess: Yes

Me: Saturday night?

Jess: Yes

Me: How was it?

Jess: He was OK

Me: Did he react the way you thought he would ? (referring to when she had told me that he would probably say that he already knew I was gay)

Jess: Yes

Me: You guys are funny!

Jess: No you're the one who's funny!

I grimaced to her and she happily replied with one of her own grimace.  We smiled and I left.

So I mentionned my world was getting bigger, right?

Yesterday I finally went to the LGBT center discussion group.  If I wanted to go there, it was to meet new people and friends.  I think it's great what's going on with the blog, but I think its important that my world gets bigger in the "real world" too!  So I was really looking forward to it.  It ended up being a disappointing night. Apart from the animator and me, there was only another guy who didn't say much and three 17 year old girls who live in some kind of "youth house" because their parents can't take care of them.  I have nothing against them, but they were taking so much place (especially one of the girls) that I ended up learning more about the life in a youth house than discussing about gay topics...  I can't say I want to be friends with any of the other participants, so this is disappointing.  The next meeting is in two weeks.  I will go, hoping that there will be new people with whom I could become friends with.  But if ends up being as disappointing as yesterday, I don't think I'll give it a third try...

Luckily, my world did get bigger in another area.  Last Saturday, I joined a gay chat room for the first time.  I had actually never chatted before.  So in this chat room, there's the common room but we can also talk in private to other participants (I guess it's like that in every chat room, but it's new to me, so I'll explain it anyways ;) ) Also I don't think we can chat with a webcam on this chat room, but I don't care because I don't have a webcam and I just want to talk. I've been in the chat room every night since Saturday I think and I had some nice conversations with a few of the participants.  It's really fun to talk to other gay guys... it's not the same thing as talking to straight guys... I even got to show another guy that his life was not lost.  He told me that he was living a big lie and that he was too old to end it.  I said "What? How old are you?" He said 27.  I told him that I first came out at 29, so really, don't give up!!  I also told him what it meant to me to come out, because he was trying to make a point that his sexuality isn't anyone's business.  He also said that straights don't need to tell everyone is straight.  I said that I agreed it was not fair, but on the other end, the straights don't hide their orientation. So, why should we hide it when we're gay.  He was receptive to what I was telling him and he told me that he wouldn't forget that it's not lost for him.  I was quite happy to show him a brighter side of what life can be.  I hope the best for him.

On a lighter note, I did learn a few things on the chat room:

1- Canadians are hot

2- 30 year-olds are sexy

3- French is such a romantic language.

In consequence, I can now affirm that, as a french-speaking 30 year-old canadian guy, I'm the whole package!!  I didn't invent it so it has to be true :)

Also I found that the younger guys can be very easily impressed... by me.  Wait what??  Yeah, the younger guys on the chat room were really funny, being almost in adoration before me.  Of course, there's always some kind of mild flirt going on, so I think they were just trying to be nice with the older dude, but it was fun anyways.

My world is growing bigger with the chat room and I really appreciate all the positive things happening to me right now.  But, of course I want more!!  I want my world to grow much bigger!!!  It will happen!!