A year ending

With the year ending, I cannot help but reflect on all the things that I lived, experimented this year.  Even without it being the New Year's Eve, I was actually already trying to figure out a few things and am challenging some other things.

I guess the hardest thing for me this year, is to deal with other guys.  So far in my life, like you coulkd have read in my earlier entries, almost all that was happening to me depended on me, on my own decisions.  This certainly couldn't continue the same way while trying to meet guys and find a boyfriend.  Obviously, I now have to deal with other people's decisions, emotions and behaviors (all of which often baffle me).  And I suppose that it's just the beginning, because I have yet to be in a true relationship (I split up with Marky... more details to come).

Apart from that, I have lived many new things:  started profiles on dating sites, set my first date up, had my first date, my first kisses, I saw another man naked, I touched another guy, I had my first attempt at sex (which went wrong!!) , my first health fears, my first breakup, my first time that I really clicked with a guy, the first time that it backfired, the first time another guy slept with me in my bed and some other sexual firsts.

I had my first heartbreak ( with SL), even if I can't say that I was in love with him.  I had my first kisses in public, my first realization that I was still thinking about another guy (SL) when I was dating another guy... which led to me breaking up with that latter guy.

I have also had the most bizarre relationship with J.  After my 2 first dates with him, I thought we were meant for each other and I was on cloud 9.  However, things slowly changed and his interest in me was suddenly gone, without me knowing why.  Followed days and weeks of confusion.  He stopped talking to me for a while, then he finally accepted to talk to me again.  From there on, we went to being friends, to potential lovers again, to friends, to sleep buddies, to friends (I actually had my trip to Mexico with him)....  It is really a friendship that is not easy, because I have a feeling of unfinished business with him and I have to admit that there has been no day since I've known him that I haven't thought about him.  Yet, I don't even think that I could be happy with him.  But my heart can't forget him.  There are days where all is fine when I see him as a friend, but some other days, my heart still beats differently for him.

Some might say that it is an unhealthy relationship.  And I may agree.  In addition, he represents a few things that I don't like about the ''gay world''.  But we are still friends.  Even if he exasparates me sometimes, I see it as a learning experience.  He challenges my beliefs and my attitude regularly and I do think that it is a good thing, even if I'm hurt at times.

(Wow, I had not planned on talking so much about J, but he does occupy an important part in my life).

I went to my first gay bars, my first strippers club (males and female haha).  I saw my first drag queen shows.  I went dancing for the first time with another guy.  I had more new sexual experinces and I finally had sex without drama.

I also felt new things, beautiful or bad.  I felt things that I didn't even know I could feel and others that I didn't even know existed.

It was quite a year, yes if I look at this huge list.  However, I still seek for more obviously.  I feel like I'm really ready for a true loving relationship and that has not come in 2013.  It's obviously something I wish I will get in 2014.

I also wish to continue to open myself more, but to still respect my values.  I want to continue to challenge myself and to be challenged.  If there is one thing that I do not want, it is the status quo.  That's why I need to open up and challenge myself.  If I don't do that, I won't feel alive.  It's something that I've come to realize lately.  Hopefully I will feel very alive in 2014.

I hope you will all have a great year and see you soon :)

JF

Sweet kisses

I finally met a guy I love to kiss!!

I remember when I was kissing Flyman, that I didn't really feel anything. I do think that he was a poor kisser though.  Then, in a yet untold story that happened with MC, I had kissed a lot with him and he liked my kissing a lot, but I didn't quite enjoy it.  On a side note, I had my first PDA with that guy.  We had kissed in my driveway ( so maybe a few neighbours saw us) and then we had spent a day together at a public event and we had kissed in front of many people.  But, I didn't "feel it", right?

I was left with the impression that kissing was not my thing.

Either I changed over time, or I met a guy that was "compatible" with me, kissing-wise.

Let's talk a bit about Marky :)

He is, to date, only the second guy I have kissed on a first date, and the first that I was not reluctant to do so. ( the first one was J and he had worked hard to have that kiss from me hahaha!).

We had spent the afternoon together on our first date and we had decided to extend the date by having dinner, then go see a movie, then go have a beer! That's quite an extension!  On a side note, he had put his hand on my thigh during the movie and while I was driving him home after the beer and he had me excited!  So the end of the date was imminent, I was parked and he was about to leave.  Since I wanted to show him that I had liked him, I gently tapped his thigh.  Nothing more was needed and he leaned towards me and kissed me.  I didn't even think of avoiding it ( like I had done a few times with the previous guy I had dated, and that I never felt like kissing him) and I let him.  It was really a small kiss,  didn't last more than a second I guess, but I liked it.

On our second, I actually had him over for dinner.  We then " french kissed" for the first time and I really enjoyed it (finally!!).  He even told me that I was a really good kisser.  I was shocked,since I know how unexperienced I am, so I said: " Are you sure of that statement?" I know, that's a really unsexy thing to ask hahahaha.  And he said it was true,that he loved how gentle I was.  Well, I will take evrything that comes by !!

During the following dates, we continued kissing and it is an activity that got me more excited every time.  Last weekend, a funny happenning occured,when we were kissing in the kitchen and that had gotten us really excited and we were wearing some quite tight pants.  When we stopped kissing to go to the living room and watch a movie, marky said that it really showed how he was excited.  I looked at my own pants and said that it was the same for me!!

So, really, it is an activity that I do enjoy and that brings "feelings down there" ;)

It is also a great addition when comes some more "naughty time" but that shall be the object of a future post!!

Finally, I had more PDA with Marky!  We actually kissed while waiting for a train in the subway station and we were surrounded by many strangers.  But it felt so good!!  I was not even shy to do it!!

Weekend adventures

I've been going out and dating more than usual this past month.  But I'm back to square 1 at the moment :(

3 weekends ago

Thursday: I had a date with a guy. We were supposed to have a beer in a bar, but instead we went to the ice cream shop.  After that, we went for a walk.  That guy didn't really interest me.  The next day I tell him that I'm not interest in pursuing.  He asks why did you tell me that we would see each other again? I replied that I was not sure yet so I prefered to not close the door too fast.  He seemed pissed at me, but I really don't think I was a jerk.  I kept the door open for more thinking and the next day I told him the truth.... I don't think I led him in false hopes.

Friday: I was chatting with a guy I went out once during the summer, we had gone rollerblading together then had dinner.  So I was chatting again with this guy and we decided that we would go out in Montreal.  So I was about to go to my first gay bar in Montreal haha. I had already gone to a few in San Diego and only to one lesbian bar in Montreal ( did I ever write about it??) So anyways we met in a parking lot and he drove us there.  So we went in a stripper bar hahaha.  It was nice.  Some were good ( one was particularly hot) and some were bad in my opinion.  We then went to another stripper bar!  This guy usually goes dancing, but since I had told him I didn't really like to dance we simply stayed in that bar.  All in all we had a good time, shared a few laughs.  We talked more on the ride to and from, since it was about 45 minutes.  He is a nice guy and sexy also, but he is not the most talkative and I am not neither, so it was not a whirlwind of words!!  I've had a few signs that he may be interested in me... but I'm just too slow to notice them as they happen and also I'm really to shy ( I have to change that!!!) to do a few moves :(.

Saturday: I met this nice but young (21) guy. We went dinner then to the movies.  When we were chatting before our date, it was a bit awkward at times as he asked me questions such as: will we get closer during the movie? will I be able to kiss you? do you confirm we really are going out together tonight?

I let these things aside and still went.  The guy was nice, but I really didn't feel anything special for him.  Once at the theater, one of his cousins arrived with her boyfriend and they sat beside us!!!! LOL I can't believe how stupid they are.  I didn't really care, but my date was probably so mad!!

The next days he wrote me if we would meet again and I said yes, since I was not ready to close the door on him.  But then time passed and I have not contacted him again so I feel bad about this one.  It was really not my intention to be that cheap :(

Sunday: I met up with J again.  I don't really remember what we did on that particular "meeting" ( not sure I can call it a date). But, in the evening, we were watching tv and got slightly close.  When bed time came he asked me to sleep in bed with him. I agreed and we simply slept cuddling together.  Once, he put his hand on my thigh sidde, at butt height!  I got aroused and it lasted at least 10 minutes.  He was ot moving his hand or nothing and he surely didnt realize what was going on.  But, talking to one of my chat room friends about that, he made me realize that if it lasted that long, it's because I have something not just physical for him.  The next morning, we watched tv in bed and then I left.  I was honestly not hoping for anything following that... I took it as a nice time sleeping cuddling.

To be continued....

Feeling lost, trapped.

Here is a translation of a letter I wrote to J, a guy I met at the end of June.  We've been on and off on various levels from friend to potential lovers.  I suppose someday I will tell you guys everything about him.  But in this letter you will still be able to have a an inside look at what has been going between us.

J,
Where to begin? I feel lost.I don't know which path to choose anymore.I have the feeling to be in a dead-end.I feel like my lack of sexual experience is a handicapand that plays a lot on my confidence and my ease with guys.

I've never wanted hookups with random guys.And this is not oing to change.I've always wanted some sort of connexionwold be established before starting to do more sexual stuff. As I think I have already told you, there are 4 guys with whom I have passed that step.You're the one with whom it happened the fastest. It was on our second date.  But you know, I was not really at ease because it was a bit too fast for me.  I'm pretty sure you thought I was lousy, so that's the reason. I was not ready to do more than what I did.  ( This being said, this letter is not meant to be an analysis of our relationship, just use references you know about to explain you ).

With the 4 guys I made that step however, you are the one with whom I went the less far.  With the others, it was more around the 3rd or 4th date.  I know it's not a much longer wait, but it seems like I'm like that.  And it was also more progressive.  During these 3rd or 4th dates, we didn't end up naked. It happened on the following date.  With you I ended up naked on that second date and even if I still felt good, was not comfortable enough to do more than what I did.

And now here is where things start going bad for me.  You see, if it is with you or with any other guy I coold possibly meet in the future, I'm sure that I lose lots of points for being that slow and uncomfortable. I wouldn't be surprise that it is a reason why S is seemingly not interested in me anymore after our first date.  I had told him before our date that I was not at ease speaking about sex because I had not a lot of experience.  During our date, I told him I had never had a boyfriend.  I think that it may be an accumulation of "odd" things that made him step back from me.

So you may understand thatmy self confidence is not very high.  I have the feeling that when i will be with another guy ( the odds of which seem very low at the moment) and that we will try to go further sexually, I will be so lousy that he will let me go as well, without giving me the chance to get learn and to get better.  I feel trapped.

My friend A was yelling me that metimes he was thinking of doing it with a guy to have that first time below his belt and not worry about that anymore. can understand, but as I wrote in the beginning, I don't want random sex, even if it would be to gain experience.But don't get me wrong.  I'm not waiting for the man of my life neither. The only time I was ready to do it with a guy and that the condom broke, knew in the bottom of my heart that I would never love this guy.But I was feeling comfortable enough with him to do it.

All this to say that I feel trapped. I need A to have B and I need B to have A.  And I possess none of them.

Oh yes, I was forgetting to other important points.

In addition to what I wrote above, also am very scared to get an STD, and that comes from even before the condom incident.  You could witness it on our second date, it does add a lot to my incomfort.

Also, I have the feeling that I miss or don't understand a lot of signals.I will go again with an exemple with you.  Last Saturday, when you were suddenly getting closer physically to me... I imagine that when you do this with other guys, you usually end up in bed with them.  But I was so confused about your intentions and feelings that I didn't know what to do.It's not as if I didn't want us to go further... There again my lack of experience was holding me back. And I was afraid to do something inappropriate. That I would do something and that you would push me back.The fear of reject keeps me from doing things.

I think I covered everything. You must think I'm so pathetic.But what I wrote, that's me, what I am. With my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears.

Why do I feel the need to tell all this to someone and that this someone is you? I ignore it.But one thing is sure, it's that it reflects my need to be true and honest and to hide nothing. I feel that need a lot since I have come out. But often, that huge load of authenticity scares people away, I experience it at times ( I experience it with you even). I hope that you will still appreciate me after all. I really do hope so.

JF

What happened to be my last date with SL

On Thursday evening, when I was chatting with SL, I told him: "You fool, you forgot your toothbrush here!!!"  He replied: "Oh no, it's a spare one I figured I could let it at your place!"  How nice was that LOL

We set up our next date for Saturday evening and Sunday. I was to go at his place (was my turn to do the road)  I arrived there around 6 I think.  We went for dinner in a Subway and we just basically had fun the whole time.  After that we went to the video store and we rented a horror movie.  Back at his place we watched the movie, but he didn't want to cuddle because he says he doesn't like to cuddle during a horror movie!! Oh well!!  After the movie, we went to bed and got intimate again hehe. 

I forgot to say in th eoprevious post:  He doesn't like being caressed a lot, especially where there is hair involved ( his chest, lower belly and armpits)  Me?? I just love to caress, especially where there is hair involved...  So it was a bit of a fight for him to let me caress him.  I also like nipple play but he doesn't... so I was a bit sad about that.  Anyways, I tried again that night and he had not changed his position about that.  We again did some jacking off, but like with Flyman, I couldn't hold it, so I was really disappointed again...  Actually he put some lube on my "apparatus" and it is actually not something that gets me more excited, so I guess I knew right away that it could be problematic so it didn't help at all!!  (Am I the only one who doesn't like that??)

Next morning, I woke up early again and tried to cuddle him.  However, he was much less responsive than usual.  I did try a few times without success.  Just holding him... but it didn't work.  I was really disappointed.  I was even more disappointed when he got up and went to take his shower.  I was laying there in his bed, wondering what was happening.  When he came back, I was about to ask him why he was so distant. But, he did cuddle up with me, so I thought that he just needed a shower.  We actually started jerking each other off again and this time I "managed" to blow.  LOL my body is tough with me!!

After that I took a shower and we spent some time at his place before going for lunch.  We had a great time again.  After that, we went rollerblading together and it was super fun again.  Well, for me at least, because he is so much better than I am, so he had to go much slower than he is used to because of me.  It lasted at between 30 minutes and an hour.  As it was my first time in 2 years I had made that sport, my old back was hurt for the next 3 days!!  We then went for an ice cream and again, it was super pleasant.  I had to leave around 3PM because I had dinner at my parents.  I really really enjoyed my day and I was looking for more of SL during the next days and he showed a lot of enthousiasm as well.

However, he mentionned something for the first time during that date and it got me by surprise.  So much (and because it is a delicate topic) , that I couldn't talk to him about it right away. I had to take time to think about it.  I won't enter in the details, but he told me that he doesn't like any kind of anal sex.  Since I do not see why I wouldn't want that as a part of my sex life (even if I can almost say Im a virgin, so I don't know if I like it or not), it could have become a bit problematic.  So, I felt that I needed to talk about that to him as soon as possible, in person.

My first night at SL's and how his toothbrush found its way in my bathroom

Before going further in my story with MC, I have to finish the story with SL. 

To sum up what I have already written about him (gee my blog is getting so unchronological, even I had a hard time to re-do the chronolgy of what I wrote about him) ; here is a small recap:

Saturday morning: I start chatting with him on dating site

Saturday evening: we have dinner and go see a movie

Sunday morning: we chat again

Sunday evening: he comes at my house and we chat a long time.  He leaves and I wonder if I made enough to make him like me.  While on the road, he texts me and I know he is still interested.

Monday evening: I go at his place and intend to sleep there.

Monday night: still to cover (in this post!!)

Wednesday evening and night: still to cover (in this post)

Thursday morning: he leaves his toothbrush at my place.

Following 2 weeks: still to cover (in next post)

The Tuesday after that: realization that it won't work with him (the post "Sometimes)

OK, so since it was a while back, unfortunately I may forget a few interesting parts,but you will get the picture!.

My first night at SL's

I had arrived there quite late, between 9 and 10.  We watched a bit of a hockey game.  After that we watched a stupid TV show and we were watching it laying cuddling one behind the other on his couch. It was actually the first time we had got closer so it was real nice.  When we got to bed, we were kinda exploring each other's upper buddy (we didn't go down the waist) and it was nice as well.  I don't think we kissed. I told him that I was shy to kiss and he said it was the same for him.  It had been a few months since I had cuddled like that and it was nice to do it again.  Needless to say I didn't sleep a lot that night!  His bed was not super comfortable, I was sleeping at a new place, beside a super hot guy, so no, I couldn't find sleep LOL.

The next morning, we were both awake before the alarm clock rang, so he took that opportunity to caress each other again.  I think he onced put his hand on my package very quickly, but I didn't do the same!  When the alarm rang, I couldn't get up immediately because I didn't want him to see how excited I was hahahah.  But it turns out that he never stopped caressing me so it never got any smaller....  at one point I really had to get up so I try to hide it but I'm pretty sure he saw it anyways.  I prepared to leave and I think we simply hugged when I left.  I had 1h15 of road to do before arriving home , shower and have breakfast and then go to work, but it was all worth it.

The toothbrush

I dont remember if it was Tuesday evening or early wednesday evening that SL told me he would come see me again.  He was saying that since I had done all that road on a weeknight for him, he should do the same.  And lucky him he started work around 11 the next morning so he had a nice buffer.

I dont remember much from that evening.  We watched again the same stupid shows while cuddling.  Then we went to bed.  This time, he started exploring a bit further down on me.  Politeness obliges, I did the same :)  At one point, I was having his "apparatus" in my hand and it seemed odd to me.  I asked: "Are you cut?" He said yes.  It was the first time I was touching that LOL (Not that I have touched many... I guess only 2: mine and Flyman's prior to that and we are but uncut).  We didn't really do much more than touching and caressing that night.  We then agreed to sleep, but I didn't sleep a lot that time either!

Next morning, we were both awake early and we continued out play from the night before...  I'm blushing for what I'm going to write next, but anyways....  We were wanking each other out and I made him blow.  First time that this happened to me.  I had not succeded doing that with Flyman.  I have to admit I was really happy about it!  Unforatunately once that done, he lost interest in continuing for my own pleasure, so it ended there.  I took my shower and when I came out of the bathroom, he only wanted to brush his teeth and pee before leaving. So I let him do his stuff and then he left.

Its only when I was brushing my teeth later that morning that I spotted his toothbrush in my toothbrush holder.  I couldn't help but smile and think that things were getting interesting!!

I didn't focus on this in this post, but during these dates, we continued having a great time together and getting along very well.  We shared a common sense of humor and I definitely felt closer to him averytime we would meet or chat.

Those damn mixed signals

These last days I've been ok and sad alternatively and at repetition!  Mainly because of the mixed signals sent by High school guy and The cook.

High School guy

In our conversations, he was the first to be "flirty" with me.  One night, when I told him I was going to bed he told me "Bonne nuit ptit mec" (Good night lil dude).  I thought it was really sweet and I really liked the cute name.  He had also offered me a motorbike ride.  He was also the first to bring up the opportunity to meet one night, even if it didn't happen.  Oh yeah, he also told me a few times something in the lines that I was cute.

However, I had a huge blow friday night.  The night prior to that, he hat told me that he was not feeling pretty good.  I had asked if there was anything to make him change his mood.  He replied during the day Friday and he said. "Well if (xxxxx) could pay me the money they owe me and if I could find a guy with whom to buid something in the long term, I could change my mind".  For me, it was a really bad attitude and it seemed that he was telling me this as if I was not a potential guy for the long term.  I was already pissed at that answer, and that was before realizing that he had also deleted his profile!!  Now I have no mean to join him!!

Why was he so sweet with me if he didn't see me as a potential boyfrieand?? That blows the limits of my logics.  And if he deleted his account I suppose that he was not interested in anyone on the dating site anymore.  So really it seems like this is over.  This is really disappointing because he has moved in my town and meeting him could have been so easy.

The cook

On Friday night I was also without news from him, even if I had seen him online a couple of times.  That didn't help me lighten my mood.  Like I already expressed, I'm a bit bothered by his lack of "assiduity" to reply to my messages.  However, when he replies, he is always nice and compliments me often (mon beau / my beautiful)

Luckily, I have many friends from the chat room who help me "de-dramatize" everything.  In the last 4 days I think that 4 different guys have cheered me up!! I just hate being so up and down!!  I've never really felt like that before!!  That adds to all the confusion!

Saturday morning I got to chat with The cook and it was really nice.  Our flirting went to another level and it was really nice. (for the record, we were just talking about how we would be good together lying and cuddling in bed!)   Sadly it didn't go through my mind to ask him to fix a date for a future date.  I thought about it later in the afternoon and I sent him a message about that.  During the afternoon I saw that he went online but he didn't answer.  I was becoming to get used to that so I decided not to think about it.  This morning (sunday), I sent him another message when he was online, just telling him about my evening yesterday ( at this point I thought that I should have waited... but I couldn't resist).  He didn't reply and I was so confused again!!!  Luckily I was helped by a friend who just told me to relax and stop focusing on the fact that he doesn't reply because he does seem to like me.  He told me pretty much the same thing that Buddy Bear and The Colorful One wrote as comments 2 posts ago.  So I decided to log off the dating site for many hours and just don't think about it.

5 or 6 hours later, I logged in again and he had replied to the more casual message only, th eone about my evening yesterday.  We exchanged a bit and then I decided to stop.  I will wait at least a day before thinking of talking again about a date.  I don't like to play that game but it seems to be how it works for him :(  I do fear that he has dates with other guys and that I am on the bottom of his list but I try not to think about that!

Major eye opening experience

So I realized that when guys post on their profile that they are open to everything from chatting to friends, to sex to long term; what it means is that they actually want to hook up and if it leads to friendship or long term, that they would be happy with it.  I had really not seen it like that because I had thought that these guys could meet some guys only for sex and they could meet other guys to try to develop something.  But it is apparently not the case... and it shortens by much my possible matches.  I seriously don't consider meeting guys and have sex with them right away, hoping that it could lead somewhere.  Sometimes I wonder why I have to be so prude, but it is just how I am...  I need to have some sort of connection with a guy before thinking of having sex with him.  And I'm not saying that he has to be the love of my life, I just want a connection!  I just don't think that this connection can happen in one date.

Leaving him

I have already mentionned that I was unsure of my feelings for Flyman.  We got to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot in the week after the condom broke.  I ended up realizing that my heart didn't beat for him.

We got to meet the next saturday. I told him that I was definitely not having feelings for him.  He took it well, even if he had told me that his own feelings were growing for me.  I ended up sleeping at his place again, because I was too tired to go back home.  He tried again to be closer to me, but this time, I was really cold.  Not in a mean way.  Just that I had drawn the line in my head that it was over between us.  He accepted it and let me sleep.

I have to say it felt weird to be beside him and not feel his warmth.  The intimate connexion was lost and I missed it.  Someone told me later it was the empty nest syndrome.  I thought it was a pretty accurate feeling.  The intimacy and the warmth of his hand on my chest is definitely what I miss the most about being with Flyman.

I can't say I have been sad of leaving him.  I suppose it was due to happen.  I swore to him that I wanted to keep him as a friend.  However, I need time to let that happen....  Sadly it hurts him that I do not want to see him yet, but I can't just pretend that nothing happened and I have not totally moved on about all the emotions that hit me.  I suppose I won't move on until after we are settled concerning our health.

I was talking about my story with Flyman with another guy in the chat room, and he told me that I should always follow my heart. I replied that it is what I had done.  He said : "No, you listened to your head when you decided to let things go when you were not sure of your feelings".  I realized that he was right.  I had decided with my head, not my heart.  If I had listened to my heart, the relationship would have lasted a lot shorter.

I'm not sure if it's good or bad to listen to my head?? I really don't.  But my view of myself is challenged.  I thought I was listening to my heart but I was not always.  I really don't know what to think about it. But, I'm not sure I need an answer right now....

The 4th date: not like porn! (part 2)

Back to where I left the story!!

So we quickly decided to go to bed.  But sleep was not yet on the agenda.  I felt ready and comfortable enough to go further than where we had been during previous dates.  We quickly got naked and I saw and did many things for the first time in my life.

We got more sexual than ever, but I was soon hit by a small problem:  I couldn't keep my little buddy awake for too long.  (this is frankly hard to put on the internets!!)  Of the 4 times we started being sexual until noon the next day, only once could my little buddy keep it up.  It was a big concern for me and luckily Flyman was conforting and said that he had difficulties too on his first times.

Later on Saturday, when I was back home, I logged in the chat room and got to talk with 3 of my friends there and all were reassuring that I have nothing to worry about.  They said it's normal to have a few difficulties for the first time being more sexual with a guy and I probably had too much going on in my hand and was probably too self-conscious.

That was a huge relief!!

NB.  Sorry if the story is short, but it was a week ago and I don't remember everything anymore.  Also I don't feel the need to be more specific about our sexual activities.

To kiss or not to kiss??

I suppose I puzzle a lot of persons about that question by reading your comments!!

I have to admit that I am surprised at how complicated I am!!

As I have said, kissing is something that I find really sexy and it is something that I am looking forward to do.  However, I have not felt the desire to kiss Flyman just yet.  He has kissed me, but I haven't.  And I have told him not to kiss my mouth.  He cheated once haha!!  I forgive him!

I know that I can let myself go a bit and I have done that on other aspects of our "relationship".  But I am blocked about kissing.  During the 3rd date, after I had told him that I didn't hink it would click, he offered me to "teach me tricks".   I declined the offer!  

I think I'm more open than before about kissing even if I don't have strong feelings for him. But, I want it to happen naturally.  I just don't want it to happen because one of us has rationnally decided that it was the moment.  I want it to go with the flow, like for the cuddling and touching that we've enjoyed so far.  Once again, he is very respectful about that, even if he cheated once!

I'm really curious to know when things will unblock for me!!

My feelings for Flyman and the 3rd date

In my lasts 2 posts, I didn't really mention what my feelings for Flyman were on purpose.  I tried to concentrate on the events that unfolded and also on the things I learned about myself.  A reason for that is that right after my first date, I was doubtful that it could click between us.  And since I was somewhat confused about it, I thought it would be better not to add that confusion in my posts that are probably confusing enough!!

After the first date, I already thought that it wouldn't click for me.  There is no particular reason for that.  Yes there are things that I wish could be different in him, but they would not matter as much if I was feeling something like love for him.  I told Jack, Vickie and my brother about it.  They were all nice and saying I would find someone else if it didn't work with Flyman.

But, I was not ready to give up after only one date.  This is why we proceeded with the second date.  But after that second date, I didn't feel like things would change for me.  I didn't want to mess with him. I wanted to be honest and not give him false hopes.  So I had decided that on the next date, I would tell him that I didn't think it would work.

That 3rd date arrived fatser than I thought.  It was 2 days later, last Sunday.  When I arrived, we went in his bed again and started cuddling.  I have to say it was a bit weird for me since I knew what I wanted to tell him after dinner, but I think I managed to forget about it and just chill out.  After that, dinner was ready (he had prepared my favorite meal: lasagna!!).  The lasagna was very good, but my mood was a bit sad and I was less enthousiastic as I had been on our previous meals together.

After dinner, we went back on his bed and I asked him if he thought it was starting to click for him.  He said yes a bit.  He asked me the same and I had no choice but to tell him that I didn't think it will ever click for me.  He took it well and I think I was more shaken by my announcement than he himself was.  I think I was containing my tears, looking up at the ceiling, trying to avoid looking at thim.  I told him that I was sad cause he is a good guy and I don't want to hurt him.

He was really OK and he asked if we could stay friends.  I said yes, because that is really more like how I was seeing him.  Surprisingly, after that, he started cuddling and kissing me.  I have to say I was puzzled by that behavior but I let him do for a bit.  After that we decided to go rent a movie for us to watch it later.

We rented "Ted" with Mark Whalberg and it was hilarious!!  Please make sure to watch the uncensored version it is too funny!!!  As a side note, in the movie, they talk about the movie "Jack and Jill" which really sucked.  I said Flyman that this statement was true because when I saw the movie, I didn't even laugh once.  Flyman said: "But you always laugh!?!?!?!"  I replied: "That's to show how bad the movie was!!"  I was happy that my "joie de vivre" and laughter are things he has noticed about me.  But on the other hand, he has also told me that he was sure that I drank coffee because I'm always "on speed".  I was like "Whaaatt???  I don't drink coffee and I've never considered myself to be on speed!!"  I don't really know where that comes from but it was fun to learn!!

We watched the movie on the floor, like for the first date, but this time we were much closer.  He spent most of the movie with his head on my chest and caressing me a bit!! (Ok I'm blushing LOL)  After the movie ended, we got even "closer".  LOL.  It was a good time and I kinda let myself go a bit, trying to forget about love, friendship or whatever we could call what is between him and me.  For the record, we were both very aroused and enjoying it :)

We agreed   I made us agree that we (I) needed time to let all that had happened sink in.  He suggested that we didn't meet for about a week.  I couldn't agree more.  I felt that to really know what I want next and what I am willing to do, I needed to back off a bit (Am I complicated!?!?! LOL).  So we decided that our next date would be next Friday.

Stay tuned for more!!  There surely are more twists to come!!

My second date: awkward times!

Last Friday I had another date with Flyman.  I picked him up at his appartment to go to the restaurant. (Oh and I got lost on my way to his appartment! D'oh!!)  We enjoyed our meal and our time there.  After that, we went back to his appartment to watch a movie.

But first we both wanted to make the other listen to music we liked.  We did the same thing as he does with his friends when they come over: we went on his bed.  We listened to the songs laying side by side on his bed.  After that, we got to chat more and we stayed there.  The subject of coming out to our parents came and I told him that I remembered many details.  He asked me to tell him the story.

I started but my emotions came really strong and I had difficulty to contain my tears.  He was afraid that it was a sad story but I said that it was just the burst of emotions.  I was laying on my back and he was sat beside me.  I ended by telling him most of the important parts and what it meant for me how my father was accepting. After that he cuddled me a bit and I let him do it.  This is when the awkwardness began!!

I really didn't know where to put my arms!!  That was funny, confusing and awkward at the same time.  He told me : "You really are not used to be this close to another guy, are you!?"  I replied that I had not lied to him about that!! He also asked me if he could kiss me but I said no.  Luckily he is very respectful about that so I don't think neither of us felt bad about that situation. 

A bit later he saw that I was lost in my thoughts.  I was beginning to understand a few things about myself and why I was reacting like I was.  I had the following elements in mind:

- I was not comfortable in touching him with my hands (but I had let him touch me)

- I was not comfortable in looking at him directly in the eyes for too long / being too close

- I don't want want us to kiss on the mouth

- I consider these things to be very intimate acts between 2 persons

- I also consider these things to be very sexy

I came to understand that for me, at the moment, intimate acts have to be made with a person with whom I have a very strong bond.  I also understood (but I kinda already knew it) that a big turn on for me is the intimate aspect of a sexual activity.

So when he asked me why I was lost in my thoughts, I told him the truth.  I said that I didn't know what is the future for us and that at the moment, I don't feel very attracted emotionnally to him (he said it was the same for him).  I said that I didn't want to go further physically with him then where I am emotionnally.  I added that I didn't want to use him. He didn't understand why I said that.  I didn't specify that since I have no sexual experience I could experiment with him, but I said that I didn't want to go too far physically and then stop everything if I am not in love with him. (I try to not make that too confusing so I hope it is not!)  I think he understood what I meant.

After that we went in the living room to watch a movie (American Pie the reunion).  This time we sat on his 1-place sofa.  He sat on me and we found a position in which we were both comfortable.  I let myself hug him and everything was ok.

When the movie ended, he suggested that we went back in his bed and I accepted.  We cuddled/played more for at least 30 minutes.  I won't enter in the details but we didn't do much!!  It was much for me considering my history, but really, it was not much :P

He wanted me to stay for the night but I didn't want to.  He asked me to stay a bit longer, so for another 30 minutes or so , we were laying/cuddling while he was getting asleep.

In the end, I left as planned and all was good.  We said that we wanted to see each other again and that we would get in touch to set the next date.

Overall, I have to say that we went further than what I could have imagined and when I had asked him the same, he said we went definitely further than what he had thought.  But as always, I don't do things that I am not comfortable of doing. All I do ends up being good for me.  Also, things got less awkward as the night went on, so I am happy about that as well.

N.B.  For the last 2 posts I have wanted to add pictures but Blogger doesn't seem to want me to do that anymore :(  Hopefully this will be fixed soon.