I have to admit that my life before coming out and my coming outs themselves were pretty trouble-free. My sexual orientation has never (in my memory) made me feel really bad about myself.
What has troubled me the most in the past and what is really troubling me now, is interpersonal relationships. In the recent months, I have begun to notice that I think differently from about everyone around me. It was troubling me, but not to a point to almost have a break-down. But now I think I'm on a verge of a break-down.
It is not related to my sexual orientation, but it has been caused by talking to my friends after coming out to them. To make a long story short, I already knew that I was thinking differently from my friends, but it slapped me in the face yesterday night: They don't understand what I do and I don't understand their reactions to what I do. Since yesterday night, I feel disoriented and very emotionnally fragile.
I have never felt this way when I was dealing to accept my homosexuality or when I prepared to come out. So, somehow, it is tougher now.
So if I can give any advice to people who are preparing to come out:
- Even if your friends are OK with your orientation, it can still cause conflicts.
- Sometimes the people with who you think it will be easier, they end up being the ones with whom it is tougher. Don't take anything for granted.
- Expect the unexpected. Your friends may also have hidden things from you in the past that could change your friendship.
- Even if you do something that seems really logical to you, some people may not get what you're doing or going through.
- It is possible that you won't understand your friend's reaction. Be prepared for that.
- People may think that you've betrayed them by hiding your orientation to them. Some people are so ok with homosexuality that they don't realize that it is still a hard thing to accept and to tell them.
- You may feel totally disoriented.
That's where I'm at right now, but it seems like I can't resolve the problem with anyone because it is not specifically related to anyone. So I'm waiting.... waiting for time to heal me or to give me the key to successful interpersonal relationships.
JF, I had some of the same kind of experiences when I came out to some friends of mine. I spent a lot of time sort of "rehearsing" what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. It rarely went as I expected. Even when somebody said, "Okay, that's cool... Hey, could I get some help with that math homework?", it still felt disorienting, like you mentioned. Unless you're going through the whole coming out process yourself, I don't think people ever fully "get" how big a deal it is.
ReplyDeleteExactly, you know how parents (ours or other people we know who have kids) keep saying "You will understand when you'll have kids" or "You can't understand because you don't have kids". I think it's the same for gays, except that most people will never get to now what it really is.
DeleteJF,
ReplyDeleteHere's the key - it's not your issue or fault. You aren't any different than you were the minute before you told them. You are still the same friend/brother/neighbor/student/co-worker. I think we all go through this phase where we feel like a square peg in a round hole type of world, and it's hard to just relax into own skin.
At the risk of sounding cliched, it does get better.
I came out 30 years ago. The issues are universal and pretty much timeless. Those who like/love you will continue to do so. Those who don't didn't deserve you in the first place. It's a life altering experience to say, I am gay. But the reality is, it's such a small piece of who you are and what makes you YOU.
I don't know you, but I know you. And I can tell you, I like this JF. You are taking the time to ask, look, and feel. THAT is a good man.
Good luck, and keep your feet under you.
Tom
Hi Tom, thams for stopping by and taking time to comment. I do already know all what you've said, but as you know, sometimes emotions get over our mind. I was feeling fragile when I wrote this post and I feel better now, partly because I wrote about it. Like many bloggers, it can become some kind of therapy to express ourselves in our blog.
DeleteYou wrote something that is one of the best thing somebody has told me lately :"I don't know you, but I know you". Thank you, I do get what you mean. Thanks for writing it. It really reaches me.
It's true that I am taking time to live these moments, however the hardest thing is that most people don't do it. That's part of why I feel so different from everyone. My perspective on things is so different. It is scary at times. I'm trying to deal with it.
Thanks for kind words, it does make me feel better and less square in a round world.
I'm in something of a similar nature in regards to my family, though it's not about my sexuality (though I'm sure it would be if they knew I was bisexual). They just aren't getting me right now and it hurts. I can only hope that one day they'll understand, but if they don't, it won't stop me from living my life and it's their loss. Because I'm awesome! ;)
ReplyDeleteHi Becky, I have an odd question: I would have thought that a person called Becky was a girl, but you have a pic of guy on your profile, so I'm confused??
DeleteHi everyone, I just googled "pink unicorn" and found out it was actually used to talk about atheism. I didn't know about that. So this post is not about religion or atheism. When I wrote this, I was looking for a visual expression to express that I was looking for something that didn't exist to help me (here again I'm not talking about God...) go through my emotional turmoil. So since it didn't exist, I couldn't get the help needed... I actually did feel better after writing this, so all is not lost ;)
ReplyDelete