Perfection? Expectations!

I want to reassure everyone by telling you that I know that I am not perfect, even if I think I'm not so far :)

Seriously, I am a humble person and sometimes I just have difficulty to accept many compliments, so I answer with humor.  I really want to thank everyone who repeats again and again to me those beautiful things.  It's beginning to sink in :)

There's one thing that's been bothering me about myself lately.  It scares me a bit about my future with a lover.  The thing is that I tend to rapidly have high hopes and expectations.  I have these hopes and expectations in every aspect of my life, so I don't see why they wouldn't show up on the love side.  The problem with high hopes and expectations is that when they are not fulfilled, I become stressed and I ask myself all sorts of stupid questions and I begin to doubt a lot of things in my life.  That's not a good feeling and I hate it when I experience it.

So, how does it scare me about my future love life??  Well, I fear to hurt myself and my lover for no good reason if my expectations are not fulfilled.  I don't want to have the feeling that I love him much more than he does about me, that I care more than he does about our relationship.  Also, as I've demonstrated at the beginning of this post, sometimes it takes me a long time to let things sink in.  So, maybe I will have all the signs to be reassured, but I won't let them sink in and it could be hurtful.  I don't want that.  Hopefully, by the time this happens, I will still have a lot of help from you to help me sort things out!!

I'll end this post by suggesting you to watch this clip of Muse.  I knew many of the band's song, but I didn't know they were all made by the same band until a few weeks ago when I realized that I just loved all these songs made by Muse.  I specifically chose this one because it fits with this post.

Muse - Starlight

"You seem to be going well, is it a mask?"

My boss is so predictable!!  Today's post title is the only thing I had not predicted he would say after coming out to him this morning.

I knew exactly how he would react, so it made my coming out setup much easier.

It went this way.  This morning, a bit after 8AM, I sent him an email from home (I start work a bit after 8:30, he always starts at 8.)  It was a short email, saying that I had a personal information to tell him: that I'm gay. I specified that I want to come out soon at work and that I want him to have the heads up (he is also the big boss in the company).   I wrote that I want him to be discrete about it for now, but that I'm still good to talk about it with him.

He replied soon afterwards, saying that he's totally cool with it and that he doesn't want me to hide who I am.  He said that I need to keep my head up.  He ended his email saying that it was too bad because there's this girl who is really cute that could be interesting for me.

I had totally expected his reaction and also him joking about it.

I replied that the girl had already a boyfriend and that I was soon coming to work so we could talk about it.

(BTW, the girl would really be my type if I was not gay, I've even mildly flirted on the phone with her a few times in the past, but it was nothing serious!!)

So I go to work and once there, he soon sees me and says: "Come see me in my office", to which I agree.

I had also predicted that.

So I go in his office (and close the door!)  He tells me again that he's fine with it and he asks me a few questions to which I answer.  He also makes jokes, like he has pills for me to cure me. I say that he can trow them in the garbage!  He says that maybe he's going to install a rainbow flag outside!!  He's also serious and he tells me: "I know I often say stupid stuff, but this is serious: if, ever, somebody is homophobic towards you, I want you to tell me.  This is not acceptable."    I already feel bad for those who will try to be mean with me!!

Again, I was pretty sure he would do that (isn't he cool!??)

So we were chatting and it was a very nice conversation, I was really at ease with him.  Maybe I seemed too relaxed for him, I don't know, but he said:  "You seem to be going well, is it a mask?"  That was surprising!!  Of course, the answer was no, I could never hide it if I was not feeling well.  I said that I was the way I was feeling and that I was feeling good.

It lasted maybe 10 minutes and when I left his office, he gave me a clap in the back.

Isn't that cool!?!?

Not feeling good about myself....

Allright, I just had a weird thought and I can't believe it came to my mind.  I feel very stupid and ashamed of what I thought.

I considered if I wanted to share it or not.... because I feel like an asshole.  I decided to do it anyways, because  I guess something positive can come out of it.

So this morning I was quietly cactching up on some older posts over at "2 boys in love".  As usual, I had a good time reading their adventures.  However, I stumbled upon some posts where the subject was bullying, being beaten up and dealing with it.

I've never been bullied or intimated for any reason in my entire life.  That's actually quite surprising and I often wonder why nobody has ever been mean to me.  This being said, I have a lot of compassion for those who have been or are victims intimidation.

So, while reading the story this morning, I thought this: "I wish I have lived this".

Now how can someone mentally healthy have this kind of stupid thinking.  Who wants to have been beaten up??

I feel like I'm lacking a lot of respect to those who have lived it.  They surely wish they had not experienced it.

I try to convince myself that it is not to have been beaten up that I wish I had lived.  Maybe it's one or all of the following:

- To have become stronger because of it

- To have been loved and cared following the events

- To have found a way to deal with it when being faced to it afterwards

- That it would have given me tools for some possible future intimidation
- That it would allow me to understand what others have gone through
- That it would mean that I had come out at a much younger age and not have wasted so much time. (I'm pretty sure the odds of being beaten up for being gay are higher at 15 than 30).

But at the same time, it feels like I'm not "in the gang"... which I think is so stupid...  I can't relate to being intimidated, while I suppose most other gays can.  I feel like an outsider, maybe even an impostor, being all happy about life, while I didn't endure a fraction of what other people have lived.

I'm ashamed, because I so don't want to lack respect.... I have a lot of respect for people who have been bullied or beaten up.... but I did think that I wish it had happen to me too...

I'm really sorry...

UPDATE!! A few hours later.....
Thinking back alot about it since writing the post, I think that what I really felt, was that I wish I could understand.  I wish I could share and be able to be comforting if someone talks to me about his situation.  However, I can't. I can't help. I didn't live it.  It makes me sad not being able to understand....

"My world getting bigger"

Thanks to Brad for inspiring me today's post title.

Brad had a comment similar to that quote on my latest post, explaining that I can be more of me and that my friendships will get better with my sexual orientation revealed.  I think it's very true, it seems like a world of possibilities is opening to me.

The quote also explains two other things that happened to me in the last week.  But before, I want to share a discussion I had with Jess yesterday at work.  To put things in the context, since the return to work on Monday, everything was cool between her and me and it was as normal as ever with her boyfriend Stan.  I was expecting Stan to be a bit more reserved towards me, but he was not at all, he even seemed more at ease with me.  I ended up wondering if Jess had told him.  So yesterday I asked her:

Me: So, did you tell Stan?

Jess: You mean... about you?

Me: Yes

Jess: Yes

Me: Saturday night?

Jess: Yes

Me: How was it?

Jess: He was OK

Me: Did he react the way you thought he would ? (referring to when she had told me that he would probably say that he already knew I was gay)

Jess: Yes

Me: You guys are funny!

Jess: No you're the one who's funny!

I grimaced to her and she happily replied with one of her own grimace.  We smiled and I left.

So I mentionned my world was getting bigger, right?

Yesterday I finally went to the LGBT center discussion group.  If I wanted to go there, it was to meet new people and friends.  I think it's great what's going on with the blog, but I think its important that my world gets bigger in the "real world" too!  So I was really looking forward to it.  It ended up being a disappointing night. Apart from the animator and me, there was only another guy who didn't say much and three 17 year old girls who live in some kind of "youth house" because their parents can't take care of them.  I have nothing against them, but they were taking so much place (especially one of the girls) that I ended up learning more about the life in a youth house than discussing about gay topics...  I can't say I want to be friends with any of the other participants, so this is disappointing.  The next meeting is in two weeks.  I will go, hoping that there will be new people with whom I could become friends with.  But if ends up being as disappointing as yesterday, I don't think I'll give it a third try...

Luckily, my world did get bigger in another area.  Last Saturday, I joined a gay chat room for the first time.  I had actually never chatted before.  So in this chat room, there's the common room but we can also talk in private to other participants (I guess it's like that in every chat room, but it's new to me, so I'll explain it anyways ;) ) Also I don't think we can chat with a webcam on this chat room, but I don't care because I don't have a webcam and I just want to talk. I've been in the chat room every night since Saturday I think and I had some nice conversations with a few of the participants.  It's really fun to talk to other gay guys... it's not the same thing as talking to straight guys... I even got to show another guy that his life was not lost.  He told me that he was living a big lie and that he was too old to end it.  I said "What? How old are you?" He said 27.  I told him that I first came out at 29, so really, don't give up!!  I also told him what it meant to me to come out, because he was trying to make a point that his sexuality isn't anyone's business.  He also said that straights don't need to tell everyone is straight.  I said that I agreed it was not fair, but on the other end, the straights don't hide their orientation. So, why should we hide it when we're gay.  He was receptive to what I was telling him and he told me that he wouldn't forget that it's not lost for him.  I was quite happy to show him a brighter side of what life can be.  I hope the best for him.

On a lighter note, I did learn a few things on the chat room:

1- Canadians are hot

2- 30 year-olds are sexy

3- French is such a romantic language.

In consequence, I can now affirm that, as a french-speaking 30 year-old canadian guy, I'm the whole package!!  I didn't invent it so it has to be true :)

Also I found that the younger guys can be very easily impressed... by me.  Wait what??  Yeah, the younger guys on the chat room were really funny, being almost in adoration before me.  Of course, there's always some kind of mild flirt going on, so I think they were just trying to be nice with the older dude, but it was fun anyways.

My world is growing bigger with the chat room and I really appreciate all the positive things happening to me right now.  But, of course I want more!!  I want my world to grow much bigger!!!  It will happen!!

Coming out aphrodisiac

I don't think the brown haired dude needs any more aphrodisiac!!

As you know, I've been waiting to come out to my friend Jess for a long time now!  Since it was unwillingly stressing me out and that the action of coming out itself is stressful, I reflected on it and I wondered how I could calm myself down.  I needed an aphrodisiac to get me in the mood!!

I was probably very much influenced by the blog Gay Male Love, in which the blogger never stops talking about the beauty of men, of gay love and about embracing who we are.  When I go I on that blog, I feel always very good about who I am.  So, I decided that before my next coming out, I would watch some gay tumblrs that I like to get me in the mood!  Also I decided that in the critical moment befroe saying the words "I am gay", I would think of beautiful images of men.

Yesterday night, I thought I would come out to Jess.  I decided to invite her at my place to take a drink.  I was scared to call her because if she asked too many questions, I would become uncomfortable and it could break the deal (in my imagination).  Instead, I sent her a message on Facebook, hoping that she would read it soon enough.

She replied around 8 PM so I asked her if she wanted to come over for a drink.  She sayd she was already in bed, but that she could come the next day (today) after her appointment for her new haircut.  She said she'll be here at 4:15.  It's a deal and we continue to chat a bit about all and nothing and then she calls it quit.

So today, around 2PM, I begin to surf on various tumblrs and I feel good about what I see (!!)  At one point, I wonder if I jack off, but I decide not to, because it could "kill the magic"!!  So I just appreciate the view and I do not stress out about Jess.  It's a blessing that I didn't jack off, because she arrived an hour earlier, at 3:15!!  I think it would have thrown me way off guard if she would have ringed at the door while I was jacking off!!!

So I close the computer windows and I go welcome her.  I offer her her drink and we begin to chat a bit.  She asks me if there is something that I want to tell her and I say that I do want to tell her something.  However, we continue to talk about different things for about 10 minutes.  Then she asks me what is it that I wanted to tell her.  So I prepare to tell her (I don't remember if I tried to think about sexy men) and when I block, she sees that it is something serious and I finally tell her that I'm gay.

She starts to laugh candidly!!  I smile, not too sure why she laughs.  She says it's really nothing for her, it's as if I had told her that I had eaten spaghetti for lunch.  Also she sayas that since I had blocked, she knew I was not joking.  But if I had not blocked, she would have asked me if I was.

She tells me that she always had doubts about me.  It seemed to have been 50-50 in her head.  She says that although I have some virility, she wondered why I never had a girlfriend.  But at the same time, she ackowledges that her brother had his first girlfriend around the same age, so it was not a sure indicator.  Also, she thinks I have a too good taste in decoration and that the first time she saw the decoration in my house, was the first time that she really thought I could be gay.  I tell her that it is such a big stereotype!!  She says that it's impossible that the big macho guys can have such a taste.  I reply that there are big macho guys who happen to be gay!!

All in all, all that was said very candidly and it was all done respectfully.

She says that she's sure that it will be fine at work when I come out, since a lot of guys there already think that I'm gay!!  That was a surprise!  Jack had not told me that.  She says that people talk often about me and that the subject of me being possibly gay is a regular thing!!

I also learned that Jess, Jack and Janice have spent a lot of time at various occasions in the past trying to determine if I was gay or not!  Another surprise!!

I was surprised at that big interest that everyone had about me and she said that it's because I'm mysterious.  Jack had told me something similar.  I will believe them, however I will stay the same shy guy as before.  It's not because they now know that I'm gay that I will talk about everything at any occasion.  Jess and Jack both told me that they don't know much about my family...  that's because I don't have anything to talk about them, it's not because I want to hide them stuff.  I think they think that my life is much more fulfilled than it really is :)

Jess suggested that she would tell her boyfriend about me.  I asked her why and she said that she doesn't see me sitting with him and tell him that I gay.  I admit that I didn't see me do this neither and that I really don't know how I would have told him anyways.  So I acceped the offer.  I asked her how she thought he will react, and she said that she thinks he would say that he already knew!!! 

I really didn't know that everyone doubted so much about me and it made me laugh a lot.

She also told me that she had seen that something was going on between me and Jack and Janice, since we were much more distant than before.  I told her that it had nothing to do with me being gay, but I didn't want to explain her everything, so we didn't continue on the subject.

That's pretty much all I learned from her.  We talked about various things afterwards, mainly travels!

I was really happy that she took it like that and that she will also tell her boyfriend.  However I have asked her not to tell more people, because I want to control who knows before whom.

About the coming out aphrodisiac, I think it was a success to see beautiful images of men before she arrived, as it made me stay calm and happy.  I think it also had a positive effect on me during the 10 minutes that we talked before telling her I was gay.  However, I don't remember what happened when I told her I was gay, so I can't tell yet if it works at that specific moment (although I probably didn't think about sexy dudes...)

So it was another step forward!  Let's see what next week will bring!  I will go to the local gay group reunion next thursday!!

First anniversary

I've never counted the days before my anniversary, before the end of school, before Christmas...  I have never really cared about my anniversaries, but I do like to celebrates someone else's birthday.  I never know what to ask for gifts, I prefer to give than receive.

I guess there has never been any really meaningful moment in my own life that I wanted to celebrate.

Well, for weeks now I have been thinking of today.  The friday after Thanksgiving.  It actually happened on October 14th, but I lived the event as happening on the friday after Thanksgiving, so this is how I (mentally) circle the date on the calendar.

It was probably the most meaningful day of my life so far.  It's the day when I decided to and actually did let my guard down, get rid of my shell.  It's the day when I showed my true self for the first time (Read the story here if you have never read it).

I did mention a few months ago that looking back on past events, I was kinda desensitized to it. Well.... I can say today that realizing that a year ago, I was coming out to my parents, it makes me very emotional.  It's unfortunate that so many people can't understand what it is to come out to their parents, because it also means that they don't understand what it is to look back on it.  It's a beautiful thing to remember.  It's also meaningful:  it's the first time in my life that I care about an anniversary of mine.

I'm not sure if I'll do anything special to celebrate it, though.  I'm not sure it's necessary.  As I've already stated, coming out is a very personal process. So, I guess that celebrating it will also be a very personal moment.

Homophobic words getting unnoticed

Last Sunday I was at my parents' house before dinner.  My parents, my sister and her boyfriend as well as my brother were there.

During one of the discussions, my brother talks about an object that is weak, made cheap (I don't remember the object in question).  He finished by saying that the object in question is made fag (fif in french).  I look at him, not knowing how to react.  Then my sister replies: "Ah those fag things."  And it ends like that.  At this point I know that they don't want to hurt me or anything, but I don't know how to react.  It's the first time since I came out that a situation like that happens.  I don't want to do a scene, so I decide to delay my reaction.  I think about it a bit during the dinner, but it doesn't really affect me.  I just wonder what's going through everyone else's mind.

So on Tuesday, I sent a quick message to them on Facebook, saying:

Yo, it's not cool to use the word fag, even less to use it to describe something weak or cheap.  Have a good day!

Today, my sister replies:  "??"

So I detail how it happened.

Tonight, my brother calls me.  He says he wanted to call me yesterday but forgot.  He says he doesn't remember.  I recall the events again, but he says he doesn't remember.  He's clearly uncomfortable and he says he didn't mean to hurt me.  I tell him that I'm not mad or anything, but I just wanted them to know to pay attention to the words they use, because it's not OK to say what they have said. 

I have yet to hear again from my sister.

All I want to say (and all of you already know it I'm sure), is that even the well-intended can do something homophobic and the worst part of it is that they don't even realize it.  That's to prove how much homophobia is deeply instilled in our society...  Just a sad fact....

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada.  As I've already said, it is not really celebrated around me, it's mostly a day off work!!

However, this year is the first year that I reflect on what I want to be thankful for.

A lot of things have changed in my life since last Thanksgiving.  A year ago, I was not out to anybody, yet I was preparing for my first coming out (I had actually planned on coming out to my parents on Thanksgiving night.... before backing up).

I am first thankful to me to have had that determination to go forward in my life and do the unimaginable.  I am thankful for the lucidity I had to realize that I was not so sure of who I was after coming out to my parents.  I am thankful to have done what was necessary to dig in my soul to understand who I was.  I am of course thankful to my parents for their acceptance of me.  I am thankful to the internet to have made me discover a lot of things about homosexuality and to have found people like me.  I am thankful to my counsellor for helping me connect with my emotions.  I am thankful to my cousin Sandy for being so exceptional.  I am thankful to my friend Jack for still being the same friend.  I am thankful to have created this blog and met a lot of great people through it and even becoming friends with some of them.  I am thankful for this new network that I don't think I could live without it, now that I have it.

All in all, I'm thankful for the progress I've made during the last year.

I wonder what I'll be thankful for next year :)

Refriending

Since the events with Janice and the night when Jack and I got a big talk, I've been much less involved in our group of friends.  I usually go to Jack's 2-3 times a week.  In the last month I have only gone there once...  Since Janice was mad at me, I didn't want to create awkward situations.

I was still seeing Jack at work, but not Janice.  Being absent from Jack's also meant that I was seeing Jessica (the girl I want to come out to) less.

A day at work this week, Jessica asked me: "What's new in your life??"  I was a bit shocked, since what was new was that I wanted to come out to her, but it was not a great idea to say it at that moment!!  I asked her why she asked me that, because she's never really asked me this kind of questions.  She said that we were seeing each other a lot less and that she was missing me a bit!  After that we did some small talk.

It stayed like that for the rest of the week.  Yesterday night, I was feeling good and I wanted to invite her at my house to tell her what's new in my life!  I messaged her on Facebook asking what she's doing.  She said she's drinking wine with friends and invites me to join them.  Since she didn't mention their name, I thought I didn't know her friends and at first I say that I will pass.  But soon after, I realize that it would be good for me to party a bit.  So I tell her that I may change my mind and I ask her if I know her friends.  She says that I know them very well.  I thought surely Jack and Janice were there, but I will go anyways.  It's not me who doesn't want to talk to Janice, it's her who doesn't want to talk to me.  So I'll go and if she doesn't want to talk to me, she just has to not talk to me.

So I go and when I arrive there's Jessica and her boyfriend, Jack, Janice and a couple of other friends that I also know.  I had brought a bottle of wine and soon the talk comes to know if we open my bottle or if I drink what's already open.  To my surprise, Janice offers me very nicely to drink her wine.  I accept and it is very good (there's oh so few wines I don't like LOL).  She's been nice with me all night long but we didn't get in any discussion together.  At least I was happy to see that we can be in the same party without making things awkward.

The night went really well, I had a huge blast!!  I got a lenghty discussion with Jack and it was like old times!  It was the first party we had together since I came out to him and it's true that it doesn't change a thing for him that I'm gay.  At one point he told that it had been a long time that we didn't have fun like that together and I totally agreed.  It was a little bromantic moment between us and it was really cool!

A little later, I engaged in a discussion about music with Jessica and the guy from the other couple.  Somehow, Jess sayd I'm really funny and she said a couple of times things like "It had been a while!"  I felt so appreciated and loved from Jess and previously Jack.  It was a great change of pace from the previous weeks!  Jess was especially happy too and was probably at her funniest I've seen her like forever...  She even slapped my arm and belly a few times when I was being silly.  She's usually so prude she doesn't want to touch anybody.

All in all, it was just a great night!!  I was really not in a state to drive, so I asked the other couple if they would take me home, since they live near from me.  They accepted and I left my car there.  It was the price to be able to sleep in my confy bed (I really didn't want to sleep on a couch!).  On the way home, I got to talk with them and their little daughter who is just so adorable.  I don't think I've ever seen a little girl more adorable than her!  It was a good way to end this evening.

I didn't come out, but I had a great time.  I'm still carless this morning, so I need to find a way to get my car back!!

Clean cut, awesome and comfy!!

OK, I don't know what you're thinking about, but I just want to say that I got my hair cut tonight and I feel really sexy ;)

In other news, I'm sleeping in a new bed and mattress since last saturday and it is awesome!!  I've never slept on a new mattress before... But this one is new and I chose it and it's sooooo comfy!! Thanks me!!

What kind of lover am I?

That's the question I asked myself this morning while in the shower (!!)

The first thing that popped in my mind was "playful".  I want a relationship to be fun, so I expect myself to be joyful, teasing, mischievious at times, teasing, jester...

I also see myself being tender, loving, caring, cajoling,  using my hands and mouth a lot to touch my man and show him I love him.

I don't think I'm really jealous, but I will need a minimum daily dose of attention and love or I'll think my man is not interested in me.

I will want us to complete and surprise each other.

I will want us to be very into each other, to be intimate.  I will love as much to give him love and pleasure as I will receive it from him.

This is what I think I am.  I can't wait to see how I will unfold!!