A weekend I'll remember (not for the best reasons)

Friday night, Flyman was invited to another party and he invited me to join him.  Unfortunately, the friends at that party were not the same as the ones the week before, so it was going to be tough again for me to be sociable.

The funniest part of the evening was when Flyman introduced me to a specific friend.  That guy asked me:  "Are you the guy with whom Flyman is spending time, but you're not too sue about where your relationship is going!??"  I replied, with a small grin on my face: "Yeah... that's me, and it's about like you describe it, yes!"  It's too bad that I was to slow to think about saying something more like "What??  Flyman, who is he talking about? Who have you been seeing??"  That would have been pretty funny, but it was not meant to be!

I got to chat a bit with Flyman as we were watching other guys play pool and it was a good time.  After a while, he was getting really tired so we quit.  Back at his place, we went to bed, but he was really too tired to "play", so we called it a night.

I don't think I slept a minute during the whole night.  I had a lot of difficulty to get to sleep the first time I had slept there too, but this time was really worst.  Saturday morning, he had to go to work, so we didn't get time to play once again.  I drove him to work and then went back to my place to do a few chores.  In the afternoon, I had to go to my parents, cause I had told my mother I would do some tiling in her new kitchen.

When I started the tiling, I told my mom I couldn't stay after passed 5PM, cause I had a dinner at 7.  She asked me with who it was and I told her it was with a guy I had been seeing for the last 3 weeks.  She didn't know about him yet and she asked me a few questions about how we met, what we've done so far etc...  She was a bit suprised by the news, but I think she was happy, even if she is worried about STD's (the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree).

After I had done enough of the tiling , I went back at my place to prepare for the dinner and go get Flyman.  I was expecting that dinner for 2 days!!  It was 2 gay friends of his sister who were inviting us (and Flyman's sister family).  To be honest, I don't think I had been in the presence of a couple of gay guys before, so I was really looking forward to meet them. 

The place was terrific!!  They live in a very luxuous loft and I was really impressed by it. Flyman had never been there neither and he was as amazed as I was.  I realized that our hosts probably were not very impressed by the bottle of wine that we had bought at the grocery store to give them as a thank you gift.  Neither of us knew how rich they were!!  They were welcoming and they prepared a very nice 5-sets dinner. 

However, as the evening went on, I really didn't feel like I was belonging there. The hosts (the gay guys) and Flyman's sister are a bit snooty so I was looking forward to the moment we would go back at Flyman's place.  I was also really tired from the day and not having slept the night before.

I was a bit disappointed at a few of one of the hosts remarks.  He was asking me stuff about how Flyman and I met and about my past.   To him I seem like an alien because I don't party at the gay bars.  It seems like THE thing to do for a guy my age.  I felt like he was trying to ridiculize me and it was not so amusing.

I was happy to leave when we did and on the way back, I expressed my feelings about the evening to Flyman and he told me that he had felt the same way.  Back at his place, I was really tired and was looking to finally be able to have a good sleep in his bed.  I tried to put the luck on my side:  I made him close the door like I do when I'm in my own room (he uses to keep it open); we switched sides in bed so that I would be on my "usual" side; and I brought a glass of water to drink during the night if ever I had the dry throat ( I had coughed because of the dryness of his room the 2 times I had slept there).

I ended up having a good night sleep, but maybe it was just because I was really tired.  In the morning, we had lots of time for ourselves because he didn't have to go to work and I also had nothing else scheduled.  We finally had time to "play" together.  After a few minutes, I asked him if he wanted to be my top.  I was feeling good enough to do this with him for my first time.  I knew he would try not to hurt me.

It was a bit awkward at first to lube all what needed to be lubed.  He was of course wearing a condom and he tried to enter me.  We needed a bit of adjustment and I told him to get out when he went too far cause it really hurt!!  After that he was even more careful.  We tried a few positions so we could both be comfortable (I kept pushing his penis out unwillingly). 

We had not even started having fun when the condom broke!!!!

That's really not a pleasant thing to learn when you don't know if your partner has HIV or not.  I really freaked out and I'm still freaking out (I'm writing this post the same night the event happened which is Sunday the 3rd).  Tomorrow (Monday the 4th) I will go at a specialized clinic in Montreal and try to do everything to prevent / treat / be evaluated.

I just can't believe that with me being so cautious and scared about STDs, the first time ever I have a sexual relation, the condom breaks and I'm at risk of being infected.  Flyman is really convinced that he doesn't have HIV and he's supposed to get his results in the next few days to confirm it (he was tested 3 weeks ago).  But what if??

I've been crying a lot today.  I can't imagine my life with HIV.  I don't want that.

I really don't want that.