Just songs...

...that could reflect how I feel right now.

Imagine Dragons - Radioactive

Alex Clare - Too close

Pride

From as long as I remember, I have always thought that I would have kids some day.  I guess we all have our reasons to want to have kids.  Most good, some bad, some unhealthy.

When I imagine myself having kids, what I see is this.  I see me looking for them, caring for them, loving them.  I see me helping them explore the world they live in, explore who they are, what they like.  I see them becoming adults and taking their place in this world.  I see me being a rock for them.   A constant positive force.

But what brings me to tears everytime I think about having children, is the pride I would have in them becoming adults, world citizens and standing up for what they believe in.

I recently had the same pride feeling.  One of my friends from the chat room recently made huge steps in his coming out process.  He actually went from having it hidden to everyone and swearing he would stay in the closet forever to being openly gay to everyone in a matter of weeks.  And on top of that, he started an anti-bullying campagne at his school.  There is no word for me to describe how proud of him I am.  I certainly didn't have such a great impact in his decisions to do all this, but I am so proud whatsoever because I care a lot for him. 

He is becoming what I want my kids to become.

I'm so proud of him. (*sweeping tears*)

Gay friends and more online dating adventures

I have not written for more than a week! What a shame!

The matter of the mact is that I have thought probably everyday to post something, but I think I've become lazy haha!!  I do have post subjects that pop up in my mind regularly (even in the middle of the night).

But since it is already late, let's just go with a quick post about gay friends.

I believe I have already expressed that I think it is a really cool thing for a gay guy to have other gay friends.  Apart from friends online, I don't have gay friends.  Well, I didn't have.

Drum rolls.......

I had my first "friend date" with Flyman last Saturday.  We were both bored and we started chatting on Skype and we decided to meet the same night.  He actually has a new boyfriend which he loves, but he was away for the night!!  I asked Flyman if it was ok for everyone that we would see each other.  He texted his bf and he said it was ok!

We stayed together for about 2 hours. The time to go rent a movie and watch a movie.  We had a really pleasant time.  I'm glad we did it and I certainly hope we can meet again.  And I would also like to meet his boyfriend, if everone is ok with that!!

Yesterday, on the dating site I have also written to 2 couples who said they were looking to make new friends.  Now if what they want is a sex friend, this is not what I am looking for!  But they haven't replied yet, so we will see. 

I just think it would be a great addition in my life if I had more gay friends.

In other news, it is totally over with The Cook.  Last Saturday it was pretty clear for me that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. So I wrote him that he could at least tell me why he wasn't interested in me anymore.  He didn't bother reply!!

Yesterday night, I was super tired.  Yet, I logged on the dating site and found 3 guys I thought would be interesting to chat with.  They all replied and I have continued talking to 2 of them tonight.  One of them doesn't bring a lot of conversation, so it is always a bit frustrating.  But the other one has more things to say and......

We have a tennis date next Sunday.  I think it will be really cool to meet a guy in such a setting and I'm really looking forward to that!  From what he says he looks pretty much for the same thing as me, so that is a big plus (even bigger than the fact he looks like a total hottie!!)

Those damn mixed signals

These last days I've been ok and sad alternatively and at repetition!  Mainly because of the mixed signals sent by High school guy and The cook.

High School guy

In our conversations, he was the first to be "flirty" with me.  One night, when I told him I was going to bed he told me "Bonne nuit ptit mec" (Good night lil dude).  I thought it was really sweet and I really liked the cute name.  He had also offered me a motorbike ride.  He was also the first to bring up the opportunity to meet one night, even if it didn't happen.  Oh yeah, he also told me a few times something in the lines that I was cute.

However, I had a huge blow friday night.  The night prior to that, he hat told me that he was not feeling pretty good.  I had asked if there was anything to make him change his mood.  He replied during the day Friday and he said. "Well if (xxxxx) could pay me the money they owe me and if I could find a guy with whom to buid something in the long term, I could change my mind".  For me, it was a really bad attitude and it seemed that he was telling me this as if I was not a potential guy for the long term.  I was already pissed at that answer, and that was before realizing that he had also deleted his profile!!  Now I have no mean to join him!!

Why was he so sweet with me if he didn't see me as a potential boyfrieand?? That blows the limits of my logics.  And if he deleted his account I suppose that he was not interested in anyone on the dating site anymore.  So really it seems like this is over.  This is really disappointing because he has moved in my town and meeting him could have been so easy.

The cook

On Friday night I was also without news from him, even if I had seen him online a couple of times.  That didn't help me lighten my mood.  Like I already expressed, I'm a bit bothered by his lack of "assiduity" to reply to my messages.  However, when he replies, he is always nice and compliments me often (mon beau / my beautiful)

Luckily, I have many friends from the chat room who help me "de-dramatize" everything.  In the last 4 days I think that 4 different guys have cheered me up!! I just hate being so up and down!!  I've never really felt like that before!!  That adds to all the confusion!

Saturday morning I got to chat with The cook and it was really nice.  Our flirting went to another level and it was really nice. (for the record, we were just talking about how we would be good together lying and cuddling in bed!)   Sadly it didn't go through my mind to ask him to fix a date for a future date.  I thought about it later in the afternoon and I sent him a message about that.  During the afternoon I saw that he went online but he didn't answer.  I was becoming to get used to that so I decided not to think about it.  This morning (sunday), I sent him another message when he was online, just telling him about my evening yesterday ( at this point I thought that I should have waited... but I couldn't resist).  He didn't reply and I was so confused again!!!  Luckily I was helped by a friend who just told me to relax and stop focusing on the fact that he doesn't reply because he does seem to like me.  He told me pretty much the same thing that Buddy Bear and The Colorful One wrote as comments 2 posts ago.  So I decided to log off the dating site for many hours and just don't think about it.

5 or 6 hours later, I logged in again and he had replied to the more casual message only, th eone about my evening yesterday.  We exchanged a bit and then I decided to stop.  I will wait at least a day before thinking of talking again about a date.  I don't like to play that game but it seems to be how it works for him :(  I do fear that he has dates with other guys and that I am on the bottom of his list but I try not to think about that!

Major eye opening experience

So I realized that when guys post on their profile that they are open to everything from chatting to friends, to sex to long term; what it means is that they actually want to hook up and if it leads to friendship or long term, that they would be happy with it.  I had really not seen it like that because I had thought that these guys could meet some guys only for sex and they could meet other guys to try to develop something.  But it is apparently not the case... and it shortens by much my possible matches.  I seriously don't consider meeting guys and have sex with them right away, hoping that it could lead somewhere.  Sometimes I wonder why I have to be so prude, but it is just how I am...  I need to have some sort of connection with a guy before thinking of having sex with him.  And I'm not saying that he has to be the love of my life, I just want a connection!  I just don't think that this connection can happen in one date.

In the grand scheme of dating...

I know myself!!  I knew Sunday night that I needed to be down for a while and that after a good night sleep I would feel better.

Well, Monday morning, I felt better, but was still a bit confused about it all.  Luckily, at work, Candy came to see me and ask details about my date.  I told her that it had went well, but that The cook wouldn't answer to my messages anymore.  She helped me feel better by saying lots of stupid things and after that I really felt good for the rest of the day.  She kinda mentionned that The cook was probably just waiting a bit before answering, but letting me wait.  If he was to reply or not, I still felt a lot better and was ready to move on to other guys.

Back home, I had a surprise: He had answered!!  In the same message he replied to both of my messages and he said that he had had a nice time as well. 

I took my time to reply, I answered him the next evening, on Tuesday.

I realized by reading The Colorful one's comment and Buddy Bear's comment, as well as Candy's comments and other blogs, that it is very frequent for guys (or girls) to not answer instantly, let a discussion go slower before picking it up, meeting different guys at the same time and wait for one to develop into something more etc...

I now understand that all this is part of the great dating scheme.  I can't say I don't find it stupid to wait to talk to another guy when you actually wish to get to know someone enough to be able to build a relationship.  But, I have to do what I have to do.

So, I will be patient, have many lines in the lake, have some shake often or less often....

In the meantime, I got back to High School guy and he did reply.  I also contacted 2 new guys and one of them has replied so we have exchanged a few short messages.  Hopefully it will pick up a bit!!  I will also write to Syrup guy pretty soon asking if he comes to the next LGBT meeting (bowling time!).

Fishing... hmmmm... I mean..... Dating is on!

3 guys, 2 guys, 1 guy, 0 guy ??

Syrup guy

We chatted a bit on Facebook. One night, two nights, three nights.  Chatting was a bit hard with him for me.  I am not a very extroverted person and I had to be the one to bring topics up, topics to which he didn't seem interested in....  So it was a bit rough for me...  We either aren't met to really get along or chatting on the web is not his thing....

High school guy

Late last monday night, High school guy sent me a message, asking if I was available the next night.  I read the message only the next morning and I was quite excited about it.  I replied immediately and told him I finished work late that night, but that we would see later if we could meet.

Back home that night, I waited for him to log on but he never logged!  I saw him again the next evening and we started chatting again.  He explained that he was not feeling good the night before.  I offered him to go grab a coffee (even if I don't drink coffee LOL). It seemed like it was going to happen... but after some back and forth, he said that he looked like a mess and was too nervous to meet me.  So it was a missed opportunity, but I was willing to be patient ( I still had a date planned with The cook 3 days later!) 

I wrote him again on Saturday.  He replied rapidly.  I answered back rapidly.  He didn't answer.  Sunday passed.  I saw he was online.  He didn't reply....

The cook

Last Friday was the first date with The cook.  I had set the date in a restaurant downtown.  He lives an hour away from me (more than I initially thought), so I had made the reservation for 7:30.  Before arriving, I was wondering if I should wait fo him outside and greet him there.  Or wait for him inside? What is the protocol?? Should I hug him, kiss him, shake hands???  My brain was spinning haha!!

Finally, when I arrived, I went inside to see if someone had arrived for my table.  It turned out that he was already there so I joined him at our table and we did not kiss or hug and I dont think we shaked hands neither...  But he seemed happy to see me and I was happy to meet him.

We rapidly started talking about our various interests.  Many are common so it is quite interesting :)  We had a fairly nice time.  After tthe meal we were both so full of food we agreed to take a walk.  I brought us to the boardwalk along the nearby river.  We walked for at least half an hour (I really have no idea when we started and when we ended)  We talked about coming out and he was quite surprised to know that mine was quite recent.  I also told him about my lack of experience and he was even more surprised. The reason: "Well, you're cute", he said!!  I suppose he thinks I'm a dude magnet hahaha!!

After the walk we decided to grab a coffee ( an apple juice for me!)  We chatted more there, revealing some of our weird sides.  Nothing too weird was said, but we both now how nerds we can be now!!  Time came to leave the coffee shop. It was around 11 and he was awake since 4AM so he was getting quite tired.

We walked to my car (which was not really far from his) and there we talked how we would like to meet again.  We exchanged our cellphone numbers.  He told me that in the coffee shop, he had wanted to hold my hands but that he was too shy to do so.  He asked me if I would have liked it and I said that I'm a really shy person too and that I am not used to have my hands hold in public so I may have reacted oddly. And I added that the fact that it was with another guy in public could have been weird to me with all the other persons around.  So he grabbed one of my hand for a few seconds and it did feel good.  A bit later it was a bit awkward because we were both wondering what to do before leaving.  He said that he didn't know what to do anymore (he has been in a relationship for 9 years, relationship that ended a few months ago). On my side, well I really don't know neither... so we agreed to hug.  I told him that we could kiss on a next date.

We parted ways and I came back home.  I had the feeling that there is potential with this guy.  We have lots , but not too much , in common, I feel good with him, he seems to feel good with me, he thinks I'm cute, I think he's sexy.  He's well spoken and has a good head above his shoulders.  Really I thought that I wanted to get to know him more and see where things could lead us.

Saturday, I sent him a SMS on his phone, saying that I had spent a nice evening with him.  Sadly he didn't reply.  The next day, I logged on the dating site and I saw he was online.  I decided to sent him a funny line that was in line with something he had told me.  He didn't answer to that message neither.

Yesterday night

Being apparently dumped by both HS guy and The cook, I didn't feel super well yesterday.  One of the things I hate is to not understand what hppens to me or to not understand why people act a certain way towards me.  This time was no exception as I couldn't understand why both of them had stopped communicating with me.   Could I be so naive to not see the obvious signs that they were not interested in me?  What was wrong with me??

1 guy, 2 guys, 3 guys

A few weeks ago I started looking again on a dating site to try to meet a (some) guy(s). 

High school guy

I noticed a guy had been checking my profile regularly. I checked his profile even if he lived a bit far form me.  The guy seemed nice and was cute as well.  He reminded me a bit of a guy from high school, but I didn't think it could be him.  I decided to send him a "Hi", since he seemed interested in me.  He replied and asked if I remembered him.  I thought it could then be the guy from high school, but I replied with a little lie, saying no, and asking him who he is.  He said that we had been to high school together.  We ended up remembering each other who we were, even if I don't think we ever talked to gether while in high school.

It was nice to be chatting with a guy and that we actually had something to base our discusison on.  We didn't happen to be online at the same time a lot, so all what I said above happened in the span of a week or maybe a little less.

Syrup guy

2 saturdays ago we had an activity planned with the LGBT group.  We were going to a place where they serve lots of food traditionnally associated with maple syrup.  I sat beside a guy that had come only once to our meetings before that.  I got to talk a bit with him and I thought he could be an interesting guy.  I didn't hit on him (bad habit!!) and I hoped that he would come back soon to our meetings.  However, somehow I think that my mind remembered seeing him somewhere else and when I was back from the activity, I found him on the dating site.

The day after, he sent me a message (he had seen I had checked his profile).  So we started chatting and it was nice to start chatting with another guy with whom I had a bit of a background.

The cook

Last weekend I noticed a guy not leaving too far away had been checking my profile.  I looked at his profile and he seemed interesting.  I thought we had many interests in common.  He ended up being the first to send me a message.  We chatted a bit over saturday and sunday and we agreed on meeting on the next friday.  We chatted sporadically over the week and I was really looking forward to our date.

Beautiful

Some guys and girls are very very concerned about being beautiful.

I admit that I did question myself in the past, wondering how pretty I was.  Wondering if I was pretty enough to have someone love me.  But soon enough, I looked around, and realized that some guys who I would consider were "uglier" than me had girlfriends.  So I knew there had to be something else than physical appearance.

I realized that attitude and sex appeal could be that something else.  And to have that, you need to have confidence in yourself.

About confidence, I am confident in many aspects of my life, but less in some emotional aspects....  But I think I can still do pretty good :)

And we all know physical beauty is far from being everything.  I thought about it today.  I came with 2 "observations".

-- It's not about how good looking you are, it's about how you make the other one feel.

-- Being pretty is one of the best ways to attract someone. Making him feel good is the best way to make him stay.
I believe everyone can be loved.  But, for some people, the road is just a bit harder sometimes.