Mixed signals

One of the blogs that I really enjoy reading, watching and listening to is Gay Male Love.  This blog makes me feel good in a lot of ways everytime I spend some time on it.  While listening to the podcast from September 15th, I understood something.

During the podcast, Kev answers to a guy who says he's receiving mixed signals from one of his straight friends.  This guy is uncomfortable with the situation, because if his friend is not attracted to guys, than he doesn't want to have false hopes.

Kev's advice to him is to clarify things with his friend, even if it can be awkward, because things could get bad if the situation is not resolved.

I can say that what Kev says is true, because I've experienced it.  Actually, it was not me who was receiving mixed signals.  I was (unknowingly) the one sending them to Janice and people around us.  I suppose you guys had already figured it out, but I really realized it while listening to the podcast.

The problem is that Janice didn't have a Kev to tell her to clarify things with me.  So, for months or maybe even years, she modified her behavior towards me and also what she thought of me because of those mixed signals. 

When I came out to Janice, shit hit the fan....  Her perception of me didn't match with the "new" me.  It made her doubt about me a lot and, long story short, things got bad and right now she doesn't want to talk to me.

That situation could have been avoided at many moments during the course of our friendship, in particular  if she had clarified things with me when she was getting these mixed signals.  A lot of misunderstandings would have been avoided I think.

So, Kev is right.  Whoever we receive mixed signals from, if we care about the relationship with that person, we need to clarify things right away.  I hope many people will remember that advice, because it is not fun to lose or to fear to lose a friend over misunderstandings. 

You probably wonder like me what's going to happen next between Janice and me.  Right now, the ball is in her camp because I have tried a few times to resolve the situation with her, but she never wanted to. I told her that I would wait for her to come to me.

Meanwhile, as I've been suggested in the past, I'm thinking that she may not be a good friend for me.  That's also a reason why I don't push things anymore.  I guess that in the end, it will depend if she decides to come to me and if she does, it will greatly depend on her attitude towards me if I decide to renew my friendship with her.

It is really deplorable, but I can't hang on to somebody who refuses to admit that I am not the bad person she now thinks I am.  For one thing, I have really been more honest with her than she has been with me during our friendship days.  That conflict has also made me realize that there are behaviors that I don't want to accept in my life.

In the end, my door is still open... but I may close it for good if she doesn't behave correctly with me.

Just because of stupid mixed signals.

There's probably a saying that explains that the true nature of people shows up during hard times.  At least I'm proud of how I personnaly dealt with the situation, but I cannot control how Janice deals with it.  These hard times have allowed me to see her true nature.

Those mixed signals were maybe not so stupid after all....

PS.  I want to thank my friends (my dear cousin Sandy, I love you;  and John) for the support you gave me when I was faced with the possible loss of a friend.  You helped me stay strong and stay me.

Touched

Tonight, I've been wanting to post something.  I wanted to yet again give something to my readers.  A few ideas came and go... they were not what I was looking for.  I let my mind wander and my thoughts flow.  Then I came to remember about some of the comments I've received on my posts.

There's some kind of tendancy going on.  In many of your comments, you take some time to write that you wish me the best in my journey, that you like my writings, that you see a good guy in me, that you care about me in a very positive way.  This is truly amazing.  I was expecting some ponctual good words, but this is way beyond my expectations.  Like I commented on an older post, I think that I'm too close to the trees to see the forest.  I only consider myself as a lucid guy whot tries to be the best man possible, while trying to become the man he wants to be.  That journey is also currently marked by my desire to be an out gay man in pursuit of love.  That last sentence alone brings a lot of uncertainties in my life, as there is no step by step guide available in my local library.  I have to go through these moments respecting my values, listening to my emotions and taking great care of other peoples emotions and reactions.  That's probably the hardest part, because I really often think that nobody thinks like me.  However, I know that it is not true because of all the support you've given me.  You've also helped me to relax a bit about my coming out process.  This past weekend I decided that I was not going to think about it and I had a great weekend.

I'm still somehow on my own, because it's my life and my destiny.  However, I don't feel alone, thanks in great part to your support.  I am truly touched by your support and, honestly, I am sometimes overwhelmed, as you guys and girls seem to see some stuff that I don't (that's disorienting!!).  You're all really wise!  But seriously, it gives me confidence that some day, the people around me will get me as much as you do. 

In the end, I just want to say "THANK YOU!"  I'm really lucky that you stopped on my blog and that you've come to appreciate me enough to give me some words of encouragement.  As a sign of recognition, please appreciate these eye candies!

Melting pot

Sexy gray-panted guy's butt on the brain

One of the first things I saw at work this morning was that sweet butt (in his pants).  I couldn't take that image off my brain and I knew I would be horny all day long.


Not already?

I've just finished my bottle of wine.... need to go back to the liquor store.


What are you trying to do??

Yesterday I was reading a few blogs and I stumbled on one of a gay guy who had been married to a woman.  For many years he has tried to be a man he was not.  It seemed like hell.  That got me thinking...  For a gay man who doesn't accept himself yet, I think there are 2 strategies.  You either try to be someone you're not or you try to erase who you are.  That guy tried the first one.  I tried the latter.  I think the first choice is much harder emotionnally and I would never have been able to do it.  The second one seems easier to me (I guess that's why I chose it), but it has the disadvantage of being very boring....


You're hotter than ever

There's actually a lot of guy I find very sexy at work.  One of them is the stereotypical muscled asshole!  Sexy but stupid!  Anyways, today on lunchtime, it was the first time that I saw him with jeans on (he usually wears sweatpants).  Those jeans plus the white "wife beater" made him so sexy...  it was hard taking my eyes off of him.  What a day!


1 girl 5 gays

I've been watching a few episodes on youtube and I think its a fun program to watch.  What the guys have to say is always interesting and I can't keep my eyes off David.  Everything about this guy is so sexy!!  However, I wonder why all but one of the about 12 guys on the show I've seen are feminine (to various degrees).  I have nothing against feminine gay guys, but are they really 95% of the gay population?? 



The New Normal

I've watched the first 2 episodes and I think I'll watch more.



She's playing for her team

True dialogue today at work:
Girl:  This girl surely plays for her team, what do you think?
Me: How do I know??

I've never cared to know if someone was gay or lesbian.  Some people seem obsessed with it.  I think I should begin to care a bit more now about who's gay ;)



LGBT center group

My local LGBT center usually has meetings a few times a month.  However, the activities were off during the summer and it seems like activities will start again only at the end of September.  I wish to go at these meetings for the first time.



Gay best friend

Another true dialogue with the same girl.
Girl: You dress well, do you like to go shopping??
Me: No, I don't like it.  When I shop it's because I know what I want.
Girl: It would be fun if we went shopping together. I could help you find some new clothes.
Me: What? I thought you said I dress well ;)
Girl:  You do, but it would be fun.....  Hhhhhhmmm  I would like to have a gay best friend. We would always go shopping.

Haha!!!  My friend Jack was present when this dialogue happened and he told me afterwards that he was very uncomfortable since he knew I was gay.  I was actually very comfortable... probably the result of years of hiding who I am.  However I do think that it was a really funny moment.  When I'll tell this girl that I'm gay, I think it will be something like that: "OK, what I'm going to tell you doesn't mean that I'm your gay best friend, but I'm gay!"

I choked

For a couple of weeks I've been trying to come out to my friend Jessica.

Either I couldn't reach her, either she didn't seem in a good mood, either she was not alone...

Yesterday, I went again to see her, but I didn't make it to her door... I choked, I found a lot of reasons to delay the moment and that's it...

It's really not getting easier.  Also the thing is that once I tell her, I'll be close to coming out at work (she and her boyfriend work with me)...  that will certainly be big.

But in the meaantime, I choked.

I think I'll have to change my strategy and invite her at my place.   It's not in my habit to do so, but I guess the appeal of a good glass of wine will erase her doubts.

Opening up

The last few months have seen their share of "opening up" from me.  I used to be a very discrete guy, showing when happy, but keeping the bad stuff inside.

I'm still discrete, but on some occasions, I try to open up more.  Of course, coming out is a huge opening up "activity".  But it seems that once the wheel has started to roll, it doesn't stop so easily.  And a consequence of opening up is dealing with emotions.  They seem to come up whenever they want and don't want to stay inside.  I've had a few episodes like that lately, namely this morning.  I was driving to get to work when suddenly I had difficulty to contain my tears.  Then, when someone asked me how I was going at work, I almost blew right there.  That's certainly new to me.  I remember reading some blogs when guys were saying that they were becoming emotional messes when they were in the process of coming out.  To some extent,  I know what they meant.

But, that's not enough for me to stop opening up.  It feels so good to open up and to share bits of my life with friends or family.  Lately, I spent an hour or so crying on the phone to my cousin Sandy, I spent 2 hours talking of personal stuff with my friend Jack and I also got to talk with a lot of honesty without any discomfort to some fellow bloggers.  These experiences were all very positive and new to me.

I don't seem to care anymore to hide my emotions.  My emotions are what they are and I have no problem showing them (in appropriate situations).  So the wheel is turning: more opening up, more emotions, more opening up etc...  I think its a good thing.  I'm definitely changing for the best.  That's a huge pro for coming out.  It loosens that intimacy I've been overprotecting for so long.  I will never be the most extraverted guy and there are still a lot of things that I won't share with most people around me.  But, at least, my friends and family will get to see a better version of me.

My advice if someone comes out to you (and you care for that person)

I have received an interesting comment from Brahmin in Boston which was this:

"What you said was true - people who are close are sometimes lost on how to behave or treat when people come out. But many of them face problem *because* they DON'T want to do something which is hurtful - they too are finding footing with this new information :)"

Thank you for pointing this out to me. However, from my personal experience, I want to go further than that.

I do agree that it must be difficult to digest this new information.  However, please know that it is much tougher for us to tell you that information.  Doing so requires a lot of courage and to me, every time I have come out, it's as if I was ripping my heart out of my body.  The fate of my heart is then in your hands.  I need you to put my heart back in its place. 

If you care for the person who has just come out to you, than please take care of his heart.  I do know that it's probably a big surprise for you and a shock.  My advice is to be honest.  If you are surprised, shocked, speechless, whatever, say it.  The worst you can do is to hide your feelings.  I have experienced it:  I saw a shadow in the eyes of one of the person I came out to and I couldn't see any further.  I begged that person to tell me but the person told me that she didn't want to hurt me.  That was the worst feeling.  To open my heart and in return, to see that person close her heart was the worst thing she could do to me.

You may be clumsy saying what you have to say, just ackowledge it.  If I come out to you, it's because I'm ready to dialogue with you and to show you who I am.  I'm realistic, I know that you may ask me weird questions.  I don't care.  I just want to have a true and honest discussion.

So yes, when someone comes out to you, it surely is tough to digest, but please know that you have a role that needs to be fulfilled rapidly, which is to put the heart of this person where it belongs.  Forget that you are lost yourself.  That whole moment is not about you, it's all about that person in front of you.   Don't hide what you think, be honest about how you feel. Dialogue is critical. 

I'm not sure if this applies if you are homophobic though... But if you're not, that's my advice.

This is my personal view on the topic.  I would like the most people to express what would be their advice.  I really don't know if my advice will be unanimous or not.  If I'm the only one to think like that, I wouldn't want to mislead well intended persons.

Baby steps

I did send a message the other day to a guy on OKCupid.  But he hasn't replied.  It's his miss :)

Yesterday, another guy wrote me a very short message.  I just replied to him this morning.  I'll see where it leads.

I'm also considering getting a profile on another site which has a good number of guys in my area.  I haven't seen any guy from my region on OKCupid.

Baby steps indeed :)