A year ending

With the year ending, I cannot help but reflect on all the things that I lived, experimented this year.  Even without it being the New Year's Eve, I was actually already trying to figure out a few things and am challenging some other things.

I guess the hardest thing for me this year, is to deal with other guys.  So far in my life, like you coulkd have read in my earlier entries, almost all that was happening to me depended on me, on my own decisions.  This certainly couldn't continue the same way while trying to meet guys and find a boyfriend.  Obviously, I now have to deal with other people's decisions, emotions and behaviors (all of which often baffle me).  And I suppose that it's just the beginning, because I have yet to be in a true relationship (I split up with Marky... more details to come).

Apart from that, I have lived many new things:  started profiles on dating sites, set my first date up, had my first date, my first kisses, I saw another man naked, I touched another guy, I had my first attempt at sex (which went wrong!!) , my first health fears, my first breakup, my first time that I really clicked with a guy, the first time that it backfired, the first time another guy slept with me in my bed and some other sexual firsts.

I had my first heartbreak ( with SL), even if I can't say that I was in love with him.  I had my first kisses in public, my first realization that I was still thinking about another guy (SL) when I was dating another guy... which led to me breaking up with that latter guy.

I have also had the most bizarre relationship with J.  After my 2 first dates with him, I thought we were meant for each other and I was on cloud 9.  However, things slowly changed and his interest in me was suddenly gone, without me knowing why.  Followed days and weeks of confusion.  He stopped talking to me for a while, then he finally accepted to talk to me again.  From there on, we went to being friends, to potential lovers again, to friends, to sleep buddies, to friends (I actually had my trip to Mexico with him)....  It is really a friendship that is not easy, because I have a feeling of unfinished business with him and I have to admit that there has been no day since I've known him that I haven't thought about him.  Yet, I don't even think that I could be happy with him.  But my heart can't forget him.  There are days where all is fine when I see him as a friend, but some other days, my heart still beats differently for him.

Some might say that it is an unhealthy relationship.  And I may agree.  In addition, he represents a few things that I don't like about the ''gay world''.  But we are still friends.  Even if he exasparates me sometimes, I see it as a learning experience.  He challenges my beliefs and my attitude regularly and I do think that it is a good thing, even if I'm hurt at times.

(Wow, I had not planned on talking so much about J, but he does occupy an important part in my life).

I went to my first gay bars, my first strippers club (males and female haha).  I saw my first drag queen shows.  I went dancing for the first time with another guy.  I had more new sexual experinces and I finally had sex without drama.

I also felt new things, beautiful or bad.  I felt things that I didn't even know I could feel and others that I didn't even know existed.

It was quite a year, yes if I look at this huge list.  However, I still seek for more obviously.  I feel like I'm really ready for a true loving relationship and that has not come in 2013.  It's obviously something I wish I will get in 2014.

I also wish to continue to open myself more, but to still respect my values.  I want to continue to challenge myself and to be challenged.  If there is one thing that I do not want, it is the status quo.  That's why I need to open up and challenge myself.  If I don't do that, I won't feel alive.  It's something that I've come to realize lately.  Hopefully I will feel very alive in 2014.

I hope you will all have a great year and see you soon :)

JF

Sweet kisses

I finally met a guy I love to kiss!!

I remember when I was kissing Flyman, that I didn't really feel anything. I do think that he was a poor kisser though.  Then, in a yet untold story that happened with MC, I had kissed a lot with him and he liked my kissing a lot, but I didn't quite enjoy it.  On a side note, I had my first PDA with that guy.  We had kissed in my driveway ( so maybe a few neighbours saw us) and then we had spent a day together at a public event and we had kissed in front of many people.  But, I didn't "feel it", right?

I was left with the impression that kissing was not my thing.

Either I changed over time, or I met a guy that was "compatible" with me, kissing-wise.

Let's talk a bit about Marky :)

He is, to date, only the second guy I have kissed on a first date, and the first that I was not reluctant to do so. ( the first one was J and he had worked hard to have that kiss from me hahaha!).

We had spent the afternoon together on our first date and we had decided to extend the date by having dinner, then go see a movie, then go have a beer! That's quite an extension!  On a side note, he had put his hand on my thigh during the movie and while I was driving him home after the beer and he had me excited!  So the end of the date was imminent, I was parked and he was about to leave.  Since I wanted to show him that I had liked him, I gently tapped his thigh.  Nothing more was needed and he leaned towards me and kissed me.  I didn't even think of avoiding it ( like I had done a few times with the previous guy I had dated, and that I never felt like kissing him) and I let him.  It was really a small kiss,  didn't last more than a second I guess, but I liked it.

On our second, I actually had him over for dinner.  We then " french kissed" for the first time and I really enjoyed it (finally!!).  He even told me that I was a really good kisser.  I was shocked,since I know how unexperienced I am, so I said: " Are you sure of that statement?" I know, that's a really unsexy thing to ask hahahaha.  And he said it was true,that he loved how gentle I was.  Well, I will take evrything that comes by !!

During the following dates, we continued kissing and it is an activity that got me more excited every time.  Last weekend, a funny happenning occured,when we were kissing in the kitchen and that had gotten us really excited and we were wearing some quite tight pants.  When we stopped kissing to go to the living room and watch a movie, marky said that it really showed how he was excited.  I looked at my own pants and said that it was the same for me!!

So, really, it is an activity that I do enjoy and that brings "feelings down there" ;)

It is also a great addition when comes some more "naughty time" but that shall be the object of a future post!!

Finally, I had more PDA with Marky!  We actually kissed while waiting for a train in the subway station and we were surrounded by many strangers.  But it felt so good!!  I was not even shy to do it!!

Officially growing a beard

It's been 10 days since the last time I shaved.  I usually shave every 5-6 days (my beard is really not strong!)

My unshaving started because I was away on vacation in Mexico (lucky me!). I shaved the day before I left and didn't bring my shaving stuff in my luggage.  Once back home, I decided I could see what I look like if I keep growing it!  And the timing is perfect since it is Movember.  I would say that it is not as bad as I expected!  I was back to work today and I got 4 comments: 2 semi- negative and 2 positive!

Apart from that... stuff has been happening, but I've been way too lazy with blogging :(. I hope I can renew strongly with it soon.  I miss exchanging with you guys...

Would you have sex with yourself?

The other day, one of my gay friends asked me if I would have sex with myself.  I was totally surprised by the questions and I couldn't answer. I had never thought of that and I didn't feel like thinking about it hahah.

This morning, I happened (!) to see myself naked in the mirror and I thought I was quite sexy :). It made my day haha.  Later in the day, I remembered that question from my friend and I had my answer: YES!! I would definitely have sex with a guy like me :)  I like my hairy torso, my little belly, my bum and my general shape ( not to mention my private parts which I won't describe haha)

I was about to ask that question to my colleague and friend Vicky, when I realized that since she is not lesbian, she probably wouldn't have sex with a girl like herself!!

What about you guys and girls?

That was exciting!!

It finally happened!! I went in a gay bar with my brother!!  If you remember, a few months ago, I had written that I didn't know with whom to go in a gay bar for the first time.  destiny had me go for the first time during my trip in San Diego, then with some of the guys I dated.

But I still wanted a bonding moment with my brother.

After my first visit to a stripper bar, I got this idea that me and my brother could go together in a gay stripper and also in a straight stripper bar (with lady strippers lol).  You wouldn't be surprised to learn that I had never seen lady strippers.

2 sundays ago,   I finally asked my brother if he wanted to take part in that special brother's night out and he said yes.  I was so happy and excited and pumped!!  I couldn't wait to do it.  we had talked about the next friday or saturday, depending on his work schedule.  I have to say that this night out was what made me the happier during last week.  i couldn't help smiling and laughing thinking of it.

Came last Friday, and my brother told me it was best to go that night and it was perfect dor me cause I didn't want to wait another day lol.

So he came at my place and i drove us to Montreal.  It was a nice ride, we got to talk Bout some of the issues i have, trying to find a good guy to love.  He reassured me saying he sees some similar stuff in the straight world ( he actually isn't single, but he still hears and sees stuff happening!). It was definitely nice to be able to share these things so effortlessly and honestly with him.

Once we arrived in Montreal, he asked me if we were actually going to go in the gay village.  I said yes, cause why wouldn't the gay stripper club not be in the gay village!!  He diffenitely had a few funny questions like : is there a door that says you enter in the gay village, or do you have to be gay to live there.   it was so funny!!  I explained him that it was just a gathering of gay places and that it is not because there is a McDonald in it that everyone working there is gay.  also I him that you don't have to prove anything to anyone to live there hahahaha.

So we walked in the village for a bit and my brother could see that there's really nothing scary to see there for a staright guy lol.  The plan was actually to find the lady stripper bar first so we found one, but outside the village.  We entered there, ordered a beer and watch the show lol.  There were also some strippers walking by us and offering to talk or even being more direct like " Hey guys, does one of you want to come with me in my. office?!". i was so laughing at that one!!  I'm sure she does lots of serious business in her "office".  My brother was bothered by these girls cause he is really shy and he doesn't like to be bothered when he is sitting, drinking chatting and watching the show.   anyways, i got to see my first lady strippers.  It was ok, I didn't vomit or anything haha!  I'm not one to hate seeing naked girls, like other gay guys could be.

After having finished our beer, we got out and went to the gay stripper club YAY!!!!!  My brother didn't seem any scared or uneased to go there so I was really proud of him.  We entered and took seats in the middle of the "seating area" lol.  In retrospect, it was a bad choice, cause the strippers didn't come see us to offer their services.  It would have been so funny to see my brother being flirted by one of them.

We ordered a beer and watched the show haha!!  One thing I've noticed from my very few stripper clubs visits, is that guy strippers seem to have more fun on the stage than lady strippers.  i told that to my brother and he agreed.  My brother was actually surprised to see that the strippers were hard on the stage.  I did enjoy the show :) but my brother said he had no particular feeling hahaha.  I think we ended up being there longer than the other bar, so that was good for me haha.

After having finished our beer, we got out and even if it was not that late, we decided to go back home, because he has to get up early since he works on the farm.  But first i still wanted to enter a club i had been a few times, but i couldn't find it!!  So we simply went back to the car and i drove us back.  When he left my place to go back to his, I thanked him for that nice night and that I was really happy we did it.

Maybe next time we'll bring in my sister too hahah!! except she could be the only girl in the gay stripper bar, as I didn't see any during my few visits there.

My newest erotic and sexual dreams!

I had to go back to my previous post about it to find out when I last had them.  It was in february!  8 months later, I had 3 in 2 nights!!!  woof what's going on? hahaha

The first 2 were in the same morning last thursday.... between 5am and 8 am!

In the first one, I was with the "infamous" J.  So it was actually the first dream I had with a gay guy I know and as a matter of fact that I have dated and had feelings for.  the only thing I remember from that dream is that we were 69ing in a position that is clearly impossible in real life. Dreams hahah!!!

In the second one, i was on bed with another unknown guy.  He was naked and was showing me his butt.  The dream was too short, so the only thing that happened is that I was playing with his "rear parts" ( trying not to be too vulgar here!!)

I was already amazed to have had these 2 dreams in the same morning!  The next morning, i had another one!  In that dream, i was in a bar with a guy I've been chatting with this week.  he didn't look like the guy at all but it was him nonethelesse!!  He was all over me....  pulling his pants down and showing me his hardware and sitting on me.  I was a bit embarassed in the dream and I was trying to escape him haha... even if I was excited by him.

I didn't have a dream that i could remember of this morning, but it's all good haha.

Weekend adventures - part 3

Last Tuesday : Ok I know it's not the weekend but nonetheles....  I had invited J over or dessert.  He actually never came at my place even if I went at his place numerous times.  At around  4PM when I was still at work, he called me saying we could go see a drag show that evening. ( we have been talking about doing this for a few weeks but it never worked out).  And... it didn't work out this that time neither.... he told me he was sick...

Friday: I had another date with Johnny.  During the week, he had told me that sometimes he thinks he talks too much, but I said it was ok for me because I know I'm not a huge talker.  Knowing that, I thought that maybe he had held back from talking more and that maybe my interest in him could come back.  I went at his place after dinner.  We talked some and we watched a movie, cuddling on the couch again.  But as we were watching the movie, I knew the interest wouldn't come.  After the movie he asked if I could massage his back, because it hus him a lot.  I accepted and we went on his bed to do so.  After the massage, I layed beside him and we just stayed there cuddling for a while.  it was getting quite late and I think he would have wanted me to stay there for he night.  But i just couldn't.  I said that I was leaving and he let me go.  We hugged again and this time he didn't try to kiss me.  On my drive back home, it was clear that I needed to let him know that i don't see him as more than a friend.

Saturday: J called me in the afternoon.  He wanted to have dinner and watch movies during the evening.  I said Ok.  We had a good time together going to the restaurant, at the restaurant, then coming back to his place.  Came movie time and he told me to go on a different couch then the one he was on.  As I try to stay cool and careful with everything that happens between us, I did as he asked.  After the movies, he said he was going to bed and this time he didn't invite me to stay, which saddened me a bit because I would have taken a bit of human warmth.

Sunday morning: I called Johnny.  I told him that I dn't see him as more than a friend and that I still think he was great qualities.  He said it was OK and that he saw it coming a bit ( it's true that I have been a tad cold with him). On his side, he told me that since I don't talk a lot, he didn't know if he could have interest in me yet, but was willing to be patient to learn more from me.  10 minutes after the call, he texted me that even if it's ok, the situation hurts him a bit. I texted him back that I'm really sorry.

So I'm back at square 1 and I'm definitely not happy about it.  I'm hating the dating sites more and more every day and I just want the day where I won't need to look for my man to arrive.

At least, as many would say, I'm having fun along the way and I have new experiences.... but I just want one man to love me and to love him back.