The hen has lost her teeth

Hey everyone!!  Sorry for the lack of posts lately.  It's not that I didn't have anything to say... I just didn't have these windows of time to write something coherent.

For a long time, I have wished that I would be totally out at work before our Christmas party that will be on December 15th.  But before letting it out, I needed to tell one last person.  It's the girl I have already talked about who focuses so much on gays.  She's also the girl who wanted me to date the girl from work last year.  You may wonder why I wanted to tell her in private.  It's because we have lots of fun together.  We share the same humour and we like to do pranks together.

I had imagined a few lines to come out to her.  I wanted to make her feel in discomfort before telling her, because she likes to do that to other people. She has certainly done that to me in the past!

The previous girl (lets call her Vickie) I had come out to at told me that this girl (let's call her Candy) wouldn't stop telling her how of a great couple we would be together Vickie and I.  So I decided to play with that.

During the morning, I went to see Vickie and told her that I would like to come out to Candy during lunchbreak.  She said : "Please do it!!  She harasses me since the day you came out to me because she knows we went for lunch together and she wants to know but I swear I didn't tell her."  Strangely, instead of scaring me, it really pumped me more to do it.  I talked to her about my plan and she agreed it would be nice.

When lunchtime came, Candy asked Vickie if she wanted to go take a walk (as they always do). Vickie said she had stuff to do (how well did she play that along!!) and I said that I would go with her.

So we go outside walking, we talk a bit about the upcoming party etc...  Then I say:  "So, it seems you've been harassing Vickie to jump over me!!"  Unfortunately, she was not in discomfort as I would have wished.  She simply started talking about the fact that we had went for lunch together and that we shared a big secret and she seems jealous of Vickie....  So I told her: "Do you want to know or not what is going on??"  She replied something like you can be together if you want and was talking about that. I was not really listening to her.  But I was not feeling bad even if I knew that I was going to tell her very soon.  It was actually the first time that I didn't notice my heart beating faster before coming out.  She continues to talk and I say: "No, I'm gay".  She says: "OK... really?... OK... really?"  I could smell a slight confusion!!

She said that she was really fine with it and wanted me to be happy.  Than she beat me at the line and said: "So, we'll always go shopping together!!!"  And I said "Oh no!! I really wanted to tell you the opposite before you told me that!!"  It was funny!

She talked to me how the "gay world" could be cruel and that she hoped I would not get emotionnally hurt.  I'd say I'm not sure it is the best thing to tell to a guy who has come out to you, but it was really heartfelt and I could feel that she cared for me so it's fine.  We talked about lots of stuff and it was again, lots of fun.  She said that now she would know what kind of person to try to match with me!!

When I went back in my office, I wrote an email to tell my boss that I had told Candy.  When I had come out to him, he had told me that he would like to know when I tell her, because he knew she could be jealous.  So I did as he asked (he's my boss, right!?!? ), but I did it by sending this e-mail:

Object:  The hen has lost her teeth

Message: But she's still smiling

When he read it, he came over to see me and was like "What the fuck with the hen!?!?"  Hahaha.  I said that I had told him like he wanted to.  He was still confused.  I added: "About Candy".  A few more seconds of hesitation, then the enlightment!!  He said that the email was really far fetched!!  I agreed, but it was just so much fun!!

Now, will I make sure that everyone knows I'm gay before the party??  I would really like to, because I want to see how everyone will be with me.  But I have a small timeframe...  The next few days will be interesting!!

"Beam me up"

Today at work, Jess asked me to translate for her the expression "Beam me up".  That was actually the first time I heard that expression so I tried to figure what it could mean.  The translation I came up with was: "Fourre-moi", which means "Fuck me". 

I really don't know if that's what it means. But I told her that I guess the beam is the penis, so "Beam me up" means "Fuck me".  She was shocked and couldn't believe that she had been signing this all morning.  I said "What is it a song?"  And she said yes.

She was still not sure of my translation so I really mimicked the action of being "beamed up" and I did as if I caught a penis behind me and stick it in my butt.  I realized what I was doing a few seconds too late :)  Hahaha!!  I don't know if she realized what I was doing, I was not expecting to do this at all!!  Anyways, it made me laugh a lot.

Later in the day, we're a group of people during the break and Jess says I'm a big pervert who is obsessed with sex!!  She explains that she asked me a translation and that it was sexual, but that she also asked another guy who told her it was a reference to a Star Trek catchphrase and that she preferred that explanation to mine.  I was still not convinced :)

Anyways, it was a lot of fun, but I still don't know if I was right or not.  I found out tonight that it's a Pink song.  But, come on, she also has a song titled "Blow me"....  so I'm sure my explanation is very good!

Thanks to all of those who shared what they liked about men in my previous post, I will come back to it soon with what I like about men.

A survey: What do we like about men?

I often wonder if straight girls like men the same way gay guys do.

If there was a list of the 5 things straight girls and gay guys like best about men, would the lists be the same?

I'd like the most people to comment on this post and tell me what they like about men.  Come on, it's your time to open up :)  Don't be shy :)

More songs I like

Linkin Park - Shadow of the day

I just love that kind of songs

Muse - Madness

More Muse!  I love their music

The Smashing Pumpkins - Ava Adore

Yes, I was a teenager in the 90's :)  This song is best listenend with a high volume.

Justin Timberlake - Sexy back

I'm not particularly a fan of this kind of music, but I like this one.

The brighter and darker sides of opening up

I have noticed how willing I am to talk about what is happening to me with my "real world" friends.  The first one I talked about my shopping adventure was actually Janice, even if we have not yet officially ended our disagreement.  It's not that I wanted to tell it specifically to her, but I wanted to talk about it the day after I met the selesman and she was the first I met on MSN Messenger.

I figured that since she's a girl, she would love to gossip about i anyways and that it would be good for our "friendship".  I told her what happened, but she rapidly had to leave, but I told her that she could talk about it to Jack.

During the week, I really wanted to talk about it to Jack and I was even mad when I couldn't go as far as I wanted (because of various restrictions).  Luckily, I could finally meet him last Sunday and I got to tell him all the story from beginning to the fact that I had discovered that my salesman had a girlfriend and that I still wanted to try to meet Prospect #1.

I really surprised myself at how easy for me it was to tell all this and also mostly how much I wanted to simply talk about it.  Only a few months ago I would have thought that I would have wanted to keep my crush a secret.  But it is not the case at all.  That is definitely something positive in my life at the moment.

A less positive aspect of my life at the moment is actually not happening to me.  The thing is that I open up on the chat room too and I meet new friends.  So far so good!  I get to talk about myself and my friends talk about themselves.  However, for two of them, they're having real hard times right now.  I believe they are way too hard on themselves and I try to convince them that they are good people.  But it's really hard to do simply by chat.  By opening up to them, they have opened up to me, but I can't help them the way they need to be helped and that saddes me.  I wish I could be beside them and give them big huggs, but it is not possible.  There's an imbalance between my opening up and my ability to help people and it's hard to manage.

Finally, on a more positive note, I came out to one of my coworkers today.  I invited her for lunch and I told her I was gay in the parking of the restaurant before entering.  Her reaction was: "What, is it only that you wanted to tell me?"  (When I invited her, I told her I wanted to explain her why I had been weird sometimes in the past).  My answer was that no, it's not only that I wanted to tell her, but it was the explanation of my weird behavior from the fall of 2011.  She had noticed how weird I was around the time I came out to my parents, so I was happy to finally tell her what had been going on.

We had a really good lunch together, it was really fun to talk about my life to her and she was really happy for me to accept who I am and she was also happy that I simply told her.  I told her about the whole shopping "situation" and that I do want to be in a relationship.  We also talked about the next girl I want to come out to at work before "spilling the beans" to everyone.  We talked about how I could tell her and it was really funny. It's the girl I have already mentioned who has a fixation about gays, so we had a lot of material to find out how I could tell her I'm gay.

Maybe tomorrow I'll go back to the store for more "shopping adventures" and a scarf!!  I hope something positive can come out of it.

Shopping for a man, Part 3

No, I didn't go back yet to the store.  But, there have been some developments.

After my initial meeting with the salesman, since he had given me his first name, I had of course looked for him on facebook!!  Sadly, I had not found his profile (even if I tried different spellings of his name)

Yesterday, I decided to try again, just in case!!

It turns out I easily found him!!  I suppose that he has modified his name in the meantime, cause I saw a pic of him that was posted in February (meaning that he didn't create his account during the week).

Anyways, his profile is private, which means that I only have access to his profile pic and his cover pic.

His cover picture is him kissing a girl on the mouth... (sad grin)

So, I guess at best (for me), he's bisexual.  But, he has a grilfriend at the moment so he's totally unavailable for me. (I can only think that the girl he's kissing is his actual girlfriend!!)

When I saw the pic, I was not mad or frustrated or desperate... Just a bit sad.  He's really a nice guy and I would have liked if we could have become boyfriends!

I guess I'm back to square 1.... or maybe square 2.  If you remember, when I went to the boutique last week, it was because I wanted to meet another of the salesman (Prospect #1).  I still think he's cute and there are high possibilities that this guy is actually gay ( but yet again, it's based on streotypes! ). 

It's a kind of an awkward situation for me, because if I go back to the store and they're both there, I don't want to ignore prospect #2 and jump on prospect #1.

Actually, I'm thinking to go back to the store when only prospect #2 is there and since he's probably not interested at all, I could ask him if there is any guy in his entourage that could be a good fit with me.  That should be easier to ask him than to ask him to go out with me.  If prospect #1 is gay, he probably knows it and he could try to set something up for us... why not?

Shopping for a man, Part 2

I had an excellent plan!!

I realized late Saturday night that there was a mistake on my invoice for the items I had purchased at the store.  I had paid more than I should have.  So, that was the perfect excuse for me to go back to the store and get to talk to my maybe-interested-in-me-salesman.

I wanted to get to see him when there would be not too many people in the store.  So I thought that on lunchtime would be a good time.  Of course, I had no idea of his schedule, so it was a guessing game.

Monday, I made sure to bring the invoice with me at work so I could get to the mall on lunchtime.  I went to the store, but he was not there.

Tuesday, same story.

Wednesday, I went back with the invoice in my pocket again.  He was there.  And there was only another saleswoman with him and there was no other customer.  Surprisingly, I went without hesitation.  I entered in the store and the girl welcomed me, while the guy didn't have any particular reaction.  I went to talk to the guy and explain him that there was a mistake on my invoice.  So we looked together at the 4 items in question and we looked at them around the store to make sure that I was not wrong.  Unfortunately, he wasn't as chatty as the other day and didn't really seem to have any interest in me.  In the end, I was right about the error on the invoice, so the made me a credit note and got the reimbursment on my credit card.   I had to sign my name and write my phone number on the store's copy for their files.  I thought about a few lines, but didn't say anything.  I was not nervous, I was just unable to do the next step...

After the transaction was done, I told him that I would have to come back to purchase a scarf to go with my new coat.  He said that he receives new clothes every wednesdays, so its probably the best day to come.  It was said in a serious manner.  It was time for me to go or to dive....  I simply thanked him, calling him by his name.  He remembered my name with a bit of hesitation.  We shook hands and all the while of this little departure chat, I was looking directly in his eyes, trying to catch something, or at least show that I'm interested.  I didn't see anything particular in his eyes :(

So I left, being frustrated at myself to not have been able to dive when I really had the perfect opportunity to get to chat with him some more and try to be flirty.

I hoped that maybe he would pick my number and call me.  But as of today (Friday), he has not called me.  I'm not ready to abandon the idea that I can get to know this guy more.  I have to know if he's gay or not.  I have to let a few days pass and I may come back with another plan that seems not too bad in my mind right now.  I just need to give myself some time...

In the last 2 days, I have had time to think about why I blocked to try to flirt with him and I think I have found the answer.  I fear that I would be humiliated if I flirt with him but he says that he's not gay at all.  I would feel so naive and stupid...  It would be way better for me if he tells me that he already has a boyfriend.  But if he's not gay, I would feel diminished and really fooled. I'm sure that if I was 100% sure that he's gay, it would be much easier for me.  I guess thats every gay's biggest problem.