Last Friday I had another date with Flyman. I picked him up at his appartment to go to the restaurant. (Oh and I got lost on my way to his appartment! D'oh!!) We enjoyed our meal and our time there. After that, we went back to his appartment to watch a movie.
But first we both wanted to make the other listen to music we liked. We did the same thing as he does with his friends when they come over: we went on his bed. We listened to the songs laying side by side on his bed. After that, we got to chat more and we stayed there. The subject of coming out to our parents came and I told him that I remembered many details. He asked me to tell him the story.
I started but my emotions came really strong and I had difficulty to contain my tears. He was afraid that it was a sad story but I said that it was just the burst of emotions. I was laying on my back and he was sat beside me. I ended by telling him most of the important parts and what it meant for me how my father was accepting. After that he cuddled me a bit and I let him do it. This is when the awkwardness began!!
I really didn't know where to put my arms!! That was funny, confusing and awkward at the same time. He told me : "You really are not used to be this close to another guy, are you!?" I replied that I had not lied to him about that!! He also asked me if he could kiss me but I said no. Luckily he is very respectful about that so I don't think neither of us felt bad about that situation.
A bit later he saw that I was lost in my thoughts. I was beginning to understand a few things about myself and why I was reacting like I was. I had the following elements in mind:
- I was not comfortable in touching him with my hands (but I had let him touch me)
- I was not comfortable in looking at him directly in the eyes for too long / being too close
- I don't want want us to kiss on the mouth
- I consider these things to be very intimate acts between 2 persons
- I also consider these things to be very sexy
I came to understand that for me, at the moment, intimate acts have to be made with a person with whom I have a very strong bond. I also understood (but I kinda already knew it) that a big turn on for me is the intimate aspect of a sexual activity.
So when he asked me why I was lost in my thoughts, I told him the truth. I said that I didn't know what is the future for us and that at the moment, I don't feel very attracted emotionnally to him (he said it was the same for him). I said that I didn't want to go further physically with him then where I am emotionnally. I added that I didn't want to use him. He didn't understand why I said that. I didn't specify that since I have no sexual experience I could experiment with him, but I said that I didn't want to go too far physically and then stop everything if I am not in love with him. (I try to not make that too confusing so I hope it is not!) I think he understood what I meant.
After that we went in the living room to watch a movie (American Pie the reunion). This time we sat on his 1-place sofa. He sat on me and we found a position in which we were both comfortable. I let myself hug him and everything was ok.
When the movie ended, he suggested that we went back in his bed and I accepted. We cuddled/played more for at least 30 minutes. I won't enter in the details but we didn't do much!! It was much for me considering my history, but really, it was not much :P
He wanted me to stay for the night but I didn't want to. He asked me to stay a bit longer, so for another 30 minutes or so , we were laying/cuddling while he was getting asleep.
In the end, I left as planned and all was good. We said that we wanted to see each other again and that we would get in touch to set the next date.
Overall, I have to say that we went further than what I could have imagined and when I had asked him the same, he said we went definitely further than what he had thought. But as always, I don't do things that I am not comfortable of doing. All I do ends up being good for me. Also, things got less awkward as the night went on, so I am happy about that as well.
After that we went in the living room to watch a movie (American Pie the reunion). This time we sat on his 1-place sofa. He sat on me and we found a position in which we were both comfortable. I let myself hug him and everything was ok.
When the movie ended, he suggested that we went back in his bed and I accepted. We cuddled/played more for at least 30 minutes. I won't enter in the details but we didn't do much!! It was much for me considering my history, but really, it was not much :P
He wanted me to stay for the night but I didn't want to. He asked me to stay a bit longer, so for another 30 minutes or so , we were laying/cuddling while he was getting asleep.
In the end, I left as planned and all was good. We said that we wanted to see each other again and that we would get in touch to set the next date.
Overall, I have to say that we went further than what I could have imagined and when I had asked him the same, he said we went definitely further than what he had thought. But as always, I don't do things that I am not comfortable of doing. All I do ends up being good for me. Also, things got less awkward as the night went on, so I am happy about that as well.
N.B. For the last 2 posts I have wanted to add pictures but Blogger doesn't seem to want me to do that anymore :( Hopefully this will be fixed soon.
It's great that he is understanding about this. For most gay guys sex on the first date is the norm.
ReplyDeleteYou will get more and more comfortable with intimacy. It will just take some time.
Aw, JF, it doesn't sound like that was too bad of a date. If anything, I think you're both on the same page and are just kind of waiting to see where things will go, if anywhere. *hugs*
ReplyDelete-Shell
You're a good guy for not wanting to take advantage of anyone. And he's a good guy for respecting your limits. You mentioned that you're not emotionally attracted to him. Is it a case of just not being attracted at all, or not being emotionally connected because you don't know him well enough yet?
ReplyDeleteI was wondering the same as Ann Marie. Aside from the emotional aspect are you physically attracted to Flyman at all? Could you ever see yourself wanting to kiss him?
ReplyDeleteSusan and Ann Marie, I think he is a good guy, but it doesn't really click for me. More details to come in my next post. About kissing him, there is the part where I think it is very intimate and I'm not there, but also, no I don't see myself kissing him right now. But I don't even know if I would want to kiss someone I am very attracted physically if I am not attracted emotionnally to him.
ReplyDeleteJF - I commend you for being so careful, but I wonder if you are being too careful? I mean, yes, you should be comfortable with those you kiss and touch, but really, you don't have to be in love with them. If you are upfront with them, feel some attraction, you may not be emotionally attracted to them, but you can say up front that you like them, and you just want to go with the flow, and experiment a bit. You don't have to have sex, but you need to start somewhere! You're not a slut if you have kissed and touched more than one or two peeps! Give yourself permission to live a little. :)
ReplyDeleteOh man!! (or should I say Oh girl!!) I'm like 3 posts behind in my storytelling and the things you said all pretty much all covered in these posts I want to share!! Stay tuned! (BTW, I mostly agree with what you wrote!)
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