New waters

I had an interesting comment from SnowRider on one of my posts:

Are you looking to get married from your first date or date a couple of guys and have fun and enjoy the experience and fun times. I"m not sure of your situation, but it seems as if you're really serious about finding mister right right now......perhaps you should go out and have fun without thinking about china patterns. just my opinion thought. good luck!

Well, there are two opposites ends:  Find the right guy and wait to marry him before having sex with him; and fuck every guy's ass I meet.  I'm nowhere near any of these ends.  I'm floating somewhere in between them. 

There are certainly things I have expressed on this blog that I dont feel the same anymore as when I wrote them.  There are certainly other things that I have wrote that I haven't changed my mind about just yet.

Sometimes I really feel like a teenager in a man's body.  I have so many things going through my mind at any time of the day concerning the things that are happening to me. I do share a lot of them with you, it gives you quite a good idea of what I'm living.  But there are lots of things that don't make "the cut" !!  I tell you that just to explain that I suppose this is what a teenager feels like when he begins to discover who he is, what he likes, what he wants  etc... Except I'm not a teenager anymore!

I'm at a very interesting, confusing and sometimes scary place.  About everything I am experiencing is new to me.  I try to stay true to myself and one thing that is very important for me is to not play with other people's feelings.  That explains often why I take things slowly with Flyman.  It can be challenging since I am sometimes lost at see, so I try my best.

So, for now, my answer to SnowRider is:  I will have fun with guy(s) before marrying (if I ever do).  I'm not a Saint!!  However I don't want to have random sex.  There are certainly things that I am taking slower now than I will in a few months.  But, I go at my rythm and thankfully, Flyman helps me along the way.  I don't know what the future holds for me, but I try to live the present moment and to enjoy my journey.  And I also allow myself to change my mind about various things, because in these new waters, I can't take anything for granted!

The 4th date: To kiss or not to kiss resolved... and more (Part 1)

We had planned the 4th date to be more than an evening!  It was more like 24 hours, since I was sleeping at his place.

It was good seeing him again.  We spent a bit of time on his bed again and I finally let him kiss me on the mouth.  I also kissed him back.  We even french-kissed, but I have to admit that both of us are bad at it LOL (not sure if I need to learn his "tricks" haha).

I asked him if he had a question for me and said he didn't.  If I had been in his shoes I would have died to know how the other guy was feeling about the relationship after the "abstinence week".  So we started to prepare dinner, we were having beef tortillas.  It was fun doing that together.  I believe it was during the meal that he asked me what were my feelings about him/the relationship.  I said "Why didn't you ask when I asked you??"  He said something like he was too shy. 

My answer was what I described in the previous post.  I told him that I felt better about us during the last week and he said he had noticed a small change in my attitude too.  I told him that I was willing to give us a second chance, but not to stress about falling in love or not.  I wanted to spend time with him and enjoy it for a while, without trying to find out how I was feeling about him or to describe what kind of relationship we were in.  He agreed to that and was really happy.  I was feeling very good about it as well.

We had planned on watching the movie Avatar that night, but he had had 2 invitations from his friends to go out.  I was a bit caught of guard when he asked me if I wanted to go out with him and his friends and it took me a while to realize that I wanted to do it.  I eventually decided that it would be nice to go and it would also allow us to do something different on our dates.

We still had some time before going out so we went back to his bed.  We got to know ourselves a bit more :)  But we had to stop at one point because time had come to go out.

It felt just slightly weird to be presented as a friend or even a good friend to his friends, even if all of them knew that Flyman is gay and that surely we were "dating" but really I felt pretty good about it.  However, I'm a shy person and not so social, so I didn't get to chat a lot with his friend.  I had a good time, but like anytime I am with people I don't know, I was playing it low-key.

After a while we decided to go back to his apartment even if there was still lots of his friends in the bar.  At his place, we started to watch Avatar.  But it was already past midnight and he said he was really tired.  So we agreed to go to bed...

(to be continued :-P !!)

The week of "abstinence"

After the 3rd date which happened 2 Sunday's ago, began the week of abstinence!!  After what had happened on the 3rd date, I really needed to take a few steps back. 

All in all, it was not so much abstinence cause even if we didn't see each other in person, we still chatted on Skype every night!!  Somehow I realized that my own behavior had changed.  And also the way we were interacting with each other was really good.  I felt more at ease with him.  Not that I was not myself with him before that, but I really felt less pressure to find love with him and I felt more free. 

I also caught myself having naughty thoughts about him.  I felt like I wanted to be closer to him, but I was cautious trying not to mix physical attraction to emotional attraction.

After a few days, I realized that maybe, if we (I) gave it a chance, it could work.  I felt that with the more relaxed attitude I had, without the pressure of trying to know if it would work or not, we could get to know each other more and maybe in the long run it could work.

I didn't tell him right away, cause I wanted to complete our "abstinence week" before telling him.  So I planned on telling him the news of how I now felt during the upcoming date which was last Friday night.

To kiss or not to kiss??

I suppose I puzzle a lot of persons about that question by reading your comments!!

I have to admit that I am surprised at how complicated I am!!

As I have said, kissing is something that I find really sexy and it is something that I am looking forward to do.  However, I have not felt the desire to kiss Flyman just yet.  He has kissed me, but I haven't.  And I have told him not to kiss my mouth.  He cheated once haha!!  I forgive him!

I know that I can let myself go a bit and I have done that on other aspects of our "relationship".  But I am blocked about kissing.  During the 3rd date, after I had told him that I didn't hink it would click, he offered me to "teach me tricks".   I declined the offer!  

I think I'm more open than before about kissing even if I don't have strong feelings for him. But, I want it to happen naturally.  I just don't want it to happen because one of us has rationnally decided that it was the moment.  I want it to go with the flow, like for the cuddling and touching that we've enjoyed so far.  Once again, he is very respectful about that, even if he cheated once!

I'm really curious to know when things will unblock for me!!

My feelings for Flyman and the 3rd date

In my lasts 2 posts, I didn't really mention what my feelings for Flyman were on purpose.  I tried to concentrate on the events that unfolded and also on the things I learned about myself.  A reason for that is that right after my first date, I was doubtful that it could click between us.  And since I was somewhat confused about it, I thought it would be better not to add that confusion in my posts that are probably confusing enough!!

After the first date, I already thought that it wouldn't click for me.  There is no particular reason for that.  Yes there are things that I wish could be different in him, but they would not matter as much if I was feeling something like love for him.  I told Jack, Vickie and my brother about it.  They were all nice and saying I would find someone else if it didn't work with Flyman.

But, I was not ready to give up after only one date.  This is why we proceeded with the second date.  But after that second date, I didn't feel like things would change for me.  I didn't want to mess with him. I wanted to be honest and not give him false hopes.  So I had decided that on the next date, I would tell him that I didn't think it would work.

That 3rd date arrived fatser than I thought.  It was 2 days later, last Sunday.  When I arrived, we went in his bed again and started cuddling.  I have to say it was a bit weird for me since I knew what I wanted to tell him after dinner, but I think I managed to forget about it and just chill out.  After that, dinner was ready (he had prepared my favorite meal: lasagna!!).  The lasagna was very good, but my mood was a bit sad and I was less enthousiastic as I had been on our previous meals together.

After dinner, we went back on his bed and I asked him if he thought it was starting to click for him.  He said yes a bit.  He asked me the same and I had no choice but to tell him that I didn't think it will ever click for me.  He took it well and I think I was more shaken by my announcement than he himself was.  I think I was containing my tears, looking up at the ceiling, trying to avoid looking at thim.  I told him that I was sad cause he is a good guy and I don't want to hurt him.

He was really OK and he asked if we could stay friends.  I said yes, because that is really more like how I was seeing him.  Surprisingly, after that, he started cuddling and kissing me.  I have to say I was puzzled by that behavior but I let him do for a bit.  After that we decided to go rent a movie for us to watch it later.

We rented "Ted" with Mark Whalberg and it was hilarious!!  Please make sure to watch the uncensored version it is too funny!!!  As a side note, in the movie, they talk about the movie "Jack and Jill" which really sucked.  I said Flyman that this statement was true because when I saw the movie, I didn't even laugh once.  Flyman said: "But you always laugh!?!?!?!"  I replied: "That's to show how bad the movie was!!"  I was happy that my "joie de vivre" and laughter are things he has noticed about me.  But on the other hand, he has also told me that he was sure that I drank coffee because I'm always "on speed".  I was like "Whaaatt???  I don't drink coffee and I've never considered myself to be on speed!!"  I don't really know where that comes from but it was fun to learn!!

We watched the movie on the floor, like for the first date, but this time we were much closer.  He spent most of the movie with his head on my chest and caressing me a bit!! (Ok I'm blushing LOL)  After the movie ended, we got even "closer".  LOL.  It was a good time and I kinda let myself go a bit, trying to forget about love, friendship or whatever we could call what is between him and me.  For the record, we were both very aroused and enjoying it :)

We agreed   I made us agree that we (I) needed time to let all that had happened sink in.  He suggested that we didn't meet for about a week.  I couldn't agree more.  I felt that to really know what I want next and what I am willing to do, I needed to back off a bit (Am I complicated!?!?! LOL).  So we decided that our next date would be next Friday.

Stay tuned for more!!  There surely are more twists to come!!

My second date: awkward times!

Last Friday I had another date with Flyman.  I picked him up at his appartment to go to the restaurant. (Oh and I got lost on my way to his appartment! D'oh!!)  We enjoyed our meal and our time there.  After that, we went back to his appartment to watch a movie.

But first we both wanted to make the other listen to music we liked.  We did the same thing as he does with his friends when they come over: we went on his bed.  We listened to the songs laying side by side on his bed.  After that, we got to chat more and we stayed there.  The subject of coming out to our parents came and I told him that I remembered many details.  He asked me to tell him the story.

I started but my emotions came really strong and I had difficulty to contain my tears.  He was afraid that it was a sad story but I said that it was just the burst of emotions.  I was laying on my back and he was sat beside me.  I ended by telling him most of the important parts and what it meant for me how my father was accepting. After that he cuddled me a bit and I let him do it.  This is when the awkwardness began!!

I really didn't know where to put my arms!!  That was funny, confusing and awkward at the same time.  He told me : "You really are not used to be this close to another guy, are you!?"  I replied that I had not lied to him about that!! He also asked me if he could kiss me but I said no.  Luckily he is very respectful about that so I don't think neither of us felt bad about that situation. 

A bit later he saw that I was lost in my thoughts.  I was beginning to understand a few things about myself and why I was reacting like I was.  I had the following elements in mind:

- I was not comfortable in touching him with my hands (but I had let him touch me)

- I was not comfortable in looking at him directly in the eyes for too long / being too close

- I don't want want us to kiss on the mouth

- I consider these things to be very intimate acts between 2 persons

- I also consider these things to be very sexy

I came to understand that for me, at the moment, intimate acts have to be made with a person with whom I have a very strong bond.  I also understood (but I kinda already knew it) that a big turn on for me is the intimate aspect of a sexual activity.

So when he asked me why I was lost in my thoughts, I told him the truth.  I said that I didn't know what is the future for us and that at the moment, I don't feel very attracted emotionnally to him (he said it was the same for him).  I said that I didn't want to go further physically with him then where I am emotionnally.  I added that I didn't want to use him. He didn't understand why I said that.  I didn't specify that since I have no sexual experience I could experiment with him, but I said that I didn't want to go too far physically and then stop everything if I am not in love with him. (I try to not make that too confusing so I hope it is not!)  I think he understood what I meant.

After that we went in the living room to watch a movie (American Pie the reunion).  This time we sat on his 1-place sofa.  He sat on me and we found a position in which we were both comfortable.  I let myself hug him and everything was ok.

When the movie ended, he suggested that we went back in his bed and I accepted.  We cuddled/played more for at least 30 minutes.  I won't enter in the details but we didn't do much!!  It was much for me considering my history, but really, it was not much :P

He wanted me to stay for the night but I didn't want to.  He asked me to stay a bit longer, so for another 30 minutes or so , we were laying/cuddling while he was getting asleep.

In the end, I left as planned and all was good.  We said that we wanted to see each other again and that we would get in touch to set the next date.

Overall, I have to say that we went further than what I could have imagined and when I had asked him the same, he said we went definitely further than what he had thought.  But as always, I don't do things that I am not comfortable of doing. All I do ends up being good for me.  Also, things got less awkward as the night went on, so I am happy about that as well.

N.B.  For the last 2 posts I have wanted to add pictures but Blogger doesn't seem to want me to do that anymore :(  Hopefully this will be fixed soon.

How my first date went!

I'm not kidding!!   I had a date.  Yesterday night!!

You probably think you missed a post or something.  Well yeah... it's a post that I have not written yet!!  I just want to write about my date now and get to the details of the "how come??" later!!

My date was at 18:30 in a restaurant in his own city, which is about 30 minutes from where I live.  I was feeling well all day long and as the date approached, I did not get nervous, which was surprising.  My date (I'll call him Flyman) had wanted to invite me at his apartment.  I thought that was way too fast for a first date so I offered him to go at a restaurant instead.  My initial plan was that we would go to the restaurant, than take a walk and that by around 21:00, I would leave because I still had to work the next morning.  He had talked about going to see a movie in his apartment, but I didn't want to do that on a first date.

I arrived at the restaurant on time and Flyman was waiting for me outside the restaurant, as planned.  The dinner went well, I was feeling comfortable.  We talked about various things, from random things to coming out.  He's younger than me and he is totally out to all people he knows.  For him it happened much quicker than me.  He told his parents first, then one of his friend who wrote it on facebook.  And that was it!!

After that, we decided to take a walk, but his coat was not warm enoough for that.  So we went to his apartment and he showed it to me.  He put his warmer coat and we took our walk.  We continued talking about various things.... and also about sex!!

He ended up knowing that I had never made love or kissed a man.  He was very surprised, but he was ok with it.  He asked if I was top or bottom!  That made me laugh a lot!!  I gave him my answer and he gave me his (you certainly are not thinking I'm going to give you the answer now!?  Are you!?).

When the walk ended, it was about 21:00.  Flyman invited me to go watch a movie inside and I decided to go. (Only fools don't change their mind!)  In his living room, there is only a 1-place sofa...  We were 2, right!?  So we ended up watching the movie laying over a thick blanket, side by side, on the floor.  We were really comfortable (at least I was!).  We watched a romantic comedy, I don't remember the name, but it is with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.  We randomly started talking at various points during the movie, asking questions to the other.  I guess if someone had entered in the apartment he would have thought we were cute LOL!! 

At the beginning of the movie, he caressed my arm a bit and held my hand for like 2 seconds, while saying he knew I was not comfortable with being cuddly with a guy and that he would respect that.  So he let my hand go and he didn't do it again.  Sometimes during the movie he was joking that everyone in the movie was cuddling but us!  It was cute and I was still feeling comfortable about not being cuddly.

To be frank, I really think it is early to cuddle on a first date, especially for a guy like me who has never done it.

I could feel that he wanted to be more cuddly with me.  Sometimes I was side-seeing that he was watching me.  But I didn't look at him back cause I was really too shy to do it!!

At one point during the movie I had a really embarassing question that came to my mind and I started laughing.  He wanted to know why but I couldn't tell him, I was way too embarassed!  But he insisted so I ended up asking my question, to which he calmly answered.... (I won't reveal what was the question !!)

After the movie ended, it was already 23:00, so I had to go.  We didn't kiss goodbye, but we hugged each other and both said that we had a nice evening.  We even started talking about dating again during the next weekend.

There's much more to say about how I got that date, what I feel about Flyman, what will happen next, but that is enough for now!  I'll try to update soon!!

Fishing in a bar?

Hey! I can't believe it has been almost a week since my last post!  I should write stuff as it happens, cause I end up forgetting about things I want to talk about.

Anyways, sometimes it's funny how things all tend in one direction.  This past Friday, I was thinking that I should go in the only local gay bar.  I don't have a good image of gay bars (rightly so or not) but I suppose it is mandatory for me to go at least once in the local gay bar.  So I was thinking that I wouldn't want to go alone.  I thought maybe I could ask my brother, maybe my best friend Jack or maybe Candy.  She likes gays so much I'm sure she would accept my invitation. 

Friday night I was reading my emails and I had a comment from Girl Tuesday on my latest post asking if I could go in a gay bar.  So the answer is yes.  It was really funny when I read her comment cause I had been thinking about that during the day.  This subject had to be my next post!! It was a sign !!  I love it when my readers have an impact on my following posts!! 

About the local bar, I wonder if there are lots of guys going there....  I guess enough to have kept the bar running for more than 10 years.  I just hope it is not the same 5 regulars.  Anyways there is only one way for me to find out. 

Yesterday night I also tried to find if there were other gay bars in the nearby cities, but I didn't find any!  If it's not the one in my town, I have to go too far for my liking!!

Anyways, there is more developments to come in a future post because yesterday night I also got an account on a gay dating site that litterally has lots of guys from my region on it :)  I finally found where they all are haha!!

Fishing in the right lake(s)

I have received a very interesting comment from TwoLives in one of my latest posts.  He wrote this:

Catching eyes and a smile from a cute guy is definitely a thrill. I can understand why you want to pursue this guy and why you wanted to pursue the guy at the clothing store. But with that said, I think you've put too much effort into chasing these questionable leads. You don't know if they're gay. You don't know if they're single. And even they are, you don't know if you have anything in common. A more constructive approach would be to try some on-line dating sites. That way you'd be fishing in small pond where the guys want to be caught, instead of fishing in an unpredictable ocean where anything can happen.

I totally agree with all that TwoLives has written.  However, I feel the need to explain more where I am at at the moment.

Back in August, I wrote this post where I explained that I was looking for opportunities to meet guys via an online dating site.  I did do it, but sadly nothing really came out of that.

In November, I wrote in this post that I had tried other sites but that it was a waste of time in the end.  It is then that I decided that I would try to meet guys / be open to guys I would meet.  So I decided to go to a store where I knew a cute guy worked and that might be gay.  I ended up not getting to be brave enough to really make a move, but I still did a lot of things that I had never done before.  I also experimentend emotions that I never had.

In December, something "unplanned" happened where I met a guy at a reception room who I was interested in.  Unfortunately, I didn't have the guts to make a move right away.  I tried to save the situation later by trying to contact him, but it was a huge failure LOL!!  Once again, I experimented things that I never had before and I even got to interact with some friends about it, which was also new to me.

What I want to say is that I know there are more "certainties" about trying to find a man on an online dating site.  But at the same time, the few that I've experienced.... is still some experience.  I have made stuff that I never had done before and felt new things, which is really good in my opinion.  It may not be much, but that's a lot more than what I had only a few months ago. 

And as TwoLives pointed out, it is a thrill to be in that "zone" where you think you may have a chance with a guy you meet.  I can even say that I have always thought that I was no good at all in the seducing game, but now I may consider thinking that I may not do so bad if I really give it a try!!  That is really something that surprises me!! 

In the end, I want to keep as many doors open as I can, so I won't focus solely on dating sites.  I want to be open to interesting guys I meet.  But I will also try to get a profile on some other dating sites that are probably more popular.  I have avoided on purpose the main dating sites I found because they were not exclusively for gay people.  That meant that if I created an account, anyone I know could have seen me there and I was not ready for anyone to know I'm gay, because there were other persons to whom I needed to tell by myself.  Since that stage is done and that hopefully soon, I won't care that anyone finds I am gay, it will then be a good time to get an account.  Also I have to say that I find it really intimidating to describe myself on these sites if people I know are going to read it...

I suppose that explains where I am at right now!!  I felt like I needed to expand more on why I do or don't do certain things.

In the end, even if I have not been successful so far in finding a guy, I take it ll as good experiences and I am happy to get to know myself better.

As a side note, my mother's New Year's wish for me is to find a boyfirend :) :)

I just need to find the right fish in the right lake ;-P

Hollidays' surprises

A helpful friend

I was talking to Jack about my "waiter's misfortunes".  I ended up telling him how much I would like that everybody would magically know that I'm gay and that I would not have to tell again.  He suggested me to start talking about it himself to people at work.  I asked him if he was really comfortable with it and he said he was.  That really touched me...  I'm really happy to have a friend like him.  We go back to work tomorrow, so there should be some news about that in the near future.

Chatting

I got more time to chat during the break. I ended up getting to know some of my friends even better and we laughed a lot.  It was really nice spending more time with them, even if it was virtual.  They made me have an even better break!

Almost like parting with an old friend

During the countdown to the New Year, 10 seconds before the New Year, I was hit by emotions.  Suddenly, I was sad to leave 2012 behind.  So many beautiful things have happened to me in 2012, I was feeling sad to let it behind.  I think it was really the first time in my life that a New Year brought emotions like that for me.  Happily, I am sure that 2013 will bring its load of very positive stuff as well.  After all, I am "going forward" :)  Still, I feel like I let an old friend behind me.

More gayness in the family!

At the New Year's party with my mother's family, I was surprised to see that one of my girl cousin had brought a girl with her.  The girl was never presented as her girlfriend and I didn't notice any "loving" moment between the two of them.  I was wondering, of course!!  I sent her a message on Facebook asking if they were friends or lovers.  I specified that either way, it was cool that she had brought the girl at the party.  She replied to me saying that they were lovers.  She told me that she thought it was a good thing to do so.  I told her that I was looking for the moment to bring my boyfriend to a family party!!  She was surprised!! Haha!!  We got to chat for a few minutes about our own personal lives.  I think it will be good for both of us to know that we're not alone in the family (although for me, things should be a little more delicate on my father's side).  We will probably meet face to face during next weekend to talk a lot more about it and I'm looking forward to that!  She'll send me a message tomorrow to confirm when she can meet me.  That should be a nice evening :)

Happy New Year to everyone!!! We all deserve it!!