A rose, a bottle of wine and a jockstrap

That would have been a really sweet birthday gift....

Or even a few male strippers.

I'm not hard to please :)

As long as you want to please me !!!

Special day

I woke up 1 year older this morning!  Yay and I'm off work because of Good Friday!!  And this also happens to be my 100th post!!!!

Celebration!!!!! Hahahaha!!!!

I just thought I would share some nice things with you for this special day.
They are pics I have taken on various trips.  Yes, I love mountains, water, the sun and awesome landscapes.

If you want you can try to guess where they were taken :)   Some are easy, others less !

Acquired tastes

I was talking with another guy the other day and, somehow, we ended up talking about masturbation !!  He told me that he was usually listening to music while doing so.  I told him that I don't think I have actually done that.  He told me that it was part of his ritual and also that he has not always been like that.  He told me it was an acquired taste.

Because my mind is always racing to all kinds of thoughts... I ended up thinking about one of my own acquired tastes!!!  Butts!!! Hahahahaha!!!

When I was younger and I started watching... hummmm .. porn :), I have to admit my eyes were focused mostly on.... hmmmmm ....   frontal parts!!  It's only in the last years that I have become more... hmmmm... interested in butts!!  I really don't have an explanation for that. 

Anyways, I'm happy to have added butts to my list of ... hmmm.... enjoyments!!!  Do you have acquired tastes you would like to share??

It's hard to find general-rated pics of nice butts!

No butt on this one, but a nice eye candy whatsoever!

From dating to friend?

When I was dating Flyman, I always assured him that if it didn't work out between us, we would stay friends.  I truly meant that.

However, after "breaking up" with him, I found myself in new waters again.  I had some difficulty to deal with that new form of relationship with him.  Of course what didn't help was the health worries.  Even if I had hoped we would continue skyping, we didn't video at all between the breakup and the visit at the clinic where we learned he was clean.  That was a 3-week hiatus.  We did chat by text only, but it was less...  friendly.

A few times he asked if we could meet, but I always declined.  We met for the first time after the break up the day we went at the clinic.  It was good seeing him and I think I was coming back to being friendly with him.

A week or two later he suggested to meet and I agreed.  However, some shit happened and I was not in the mood so I cancelled.

But over the weekend, I myself suggested to meet as friends during the week.  Sadly our schedules were incompatible.  We also videoskyped for the first time since the breakup, so I think that I'm on the right path to develop friendship with Flyman. (I don't think it is any problem for him though hahaha)

As a not totally unrelated sidenote...  my openness to develop a friendship with Flyman seems to coincide with my willingness to start dating again..... hmmmmmmm :-P

My lil big gay bro

I've talked often about that chat room I visit regularly.  I've made friends with some of the guys in there.  There is one guy in particular that I have come to talk about everything and anything in a very "crude" way (and by that I mean that I didn't censor).  He has been able to give me advice at times, make me laugh when I needed it, listened when I needed to take something off my chest...  Lately we've talked about dating and trying to find a guy.  I was in a bit of a down yesterday and he helped me to shake the negative mood.

He told me he looked at me as his "lil gay bro, even if you're older than me".  I thought he was quite accurate!!  I'm older than he is, yet he has much more experience in many "relationships/dating" fields.  And I realized that I kinda look up to him in these fields as well.  So since he's kind of a bigger brother to me even if he's younger, I now call him my lil big gay bro!!

It reminded me of a very funny tumblr I have seen:  Adventures in Gay.  It's a daily cartoon of the adventures of a guy who "started his gay life".  One of the characters is the "goach" (gay coach) of the main character.  My lil big gay bro could be considered as being my goach, so it made me laugh and I told him and he just loves that tumblr as well!

Anyways, I may just have met a new guy on gay411...  let's see what happens next :)

Finally settling things with Janice

Last night, Janice and I finally settled our disagreement from last summer.  I rapidly went through my entries of last summer and I only found these 2 posts that were talking about it:

http://gowingforward.blogspot.ca/2012/09/mixed-signals.html

http://gowingforward.blogspot.ca/2012/10/refriending.html

It seems like I didn't write that much about it, even if it had been a huge blow in my life.  To summarize the story (and maybe add elements that I had not talked about); After I came out to her, she admitted that she would see me differently and that she would be much less close to me than we used to be.  I really didn't understand why.  I tried and tried and tried mo make her tell me.  She would not want to.  I was getting very desperate, because I really dont like to have things like that unsettled.  To the point that it was really making me go nuts to not know.  One night, I sent her an email telling her how much it hurt me to be left in the dark like that.  I thought that maybe she felt bad if she had more than friendships feelings for me (even if she's in couple with Jack).  At that point I was considering that, since I just had no idea of what it could be about, I tried to think outside of the box to find an answer.  If it was the case, I wrote her that it was OK, to not feel bad about it.  I even allowed myself to make a joke and i wrote that its normal because I'm such a lovely guy.

A few days later, she replied to my email.  She was really pissed of.  She told mean things to me and in the end, I still didn't know why she was seeing me differntly and on top of that, I didn't even understand why she was now very mad at me.

I was really, really disturbed.  I called my cousin Sandy and as soon as she spoke, I started crying uncontrollably.  I thought I had ruined a friendship even if I didn't know what I had done wrong.  Sandy helped me calm down (after at least 30 minutes of mixed words and tears). 

Janice and I were supposed to get to talk, but it never happened.  We spent a months without talking to each other.  Then, the tension between us slowly vanished and things were becoming more under control.  It was still bugging me that I didn't know what happened, but I suppose time made me have less interest in it.  It was still in the air that janice and why would have to talk about it, but it never seem to happen, until last night.

After talking to her about the troubles I had with Jess (see the previous post), she decided to tell me what happened last summer.  I'm not sure why she felt it was a good moment, but anyways!  She told me that when she learned that I was gay, even though she thought it was a really good thing for me to accept it and come out, she was really confused regarding stuff she had been told about me.  She had heard that not a so long time prior to that I had spent 2 whole weekends with 2 different girls.  When I heard that I really jumped!  She told me that when she had learned about it, she was happy for me to date girls.  But when I told her I was gay, she thought that I had been an ass with these girls, since I could have broken their heart, knowing that I was gay. I started crying.  Then, as I realized that all the shit that had happened, that almost broke my friendship with her, was based on a terrible lie I started shaking and crying with a lot more intensity.  She was standing in front of me, telling me not to cry.  But I grabbed her and hugged her really tight and I started crying even more.  She then told me to let it go and it was not pretty.  I was even almost hyperventilating. It must have lasted 2 minutes that I was in an intense pain.  Then it calmed down, and a bit later I let go of our hug.  She gave me a blanket cause I was really cold.

When I had calmed down, I proceeded in telling her the true story (the second paragraph of that post).  Basically, I explained to her that it had been only one girl, one afternoon and that I had had that date because I had received an ultimatum to do so.  I told her that for any reason, if there is something that really, really pisses me off, it is to be judged without being able to give my own version of the facts.  She said she was really sorry.

She explained that when she had read my email back last summer, she was biased because of what she had been told about me. Also, when she had read my joke about being adorable, she thought about those girls that could have been hurt because I would have used that quality to fool them.

So I understood everything (I had done nothing wrong after all).  Janice was sorry about it all.  I could finally move on from it and it seems that we have become friends again.

As I was leaving, I told her that it had really hurt me last summer when she was mean to me (she had even told me back then that she had contemplated stopping our friendship).  She told me that she had told Jack that I was his friend only, not hers.  She would let me come in their house because I was still his friend, but that for her, it was over.  But, as I explained above, as time passed, things cooled down and she got to talk to me again.

Finally, she told me that she was mad at me because, as I had learned, she thought that I had not been nice with these girls, but that she was also mad at herself for having a huge confidence in me, a guy who shouldn't have been trusted.  But she said that now she knows that she can have confidence in me and she's happy that she was wrong after all about me being an ass.

I repeated that it is really frustrating and disappointing for me to have been judged without having been given the possibility to give my own version of the facts.  Also, if she would have told me earlier, we would have avoided all that trouble.  She agreed.  I think that she will learn from it, because she saw how much it had hurt me.

As I was still crying a bit, I gave her another last hug and I left.  I felt much better about that whole story.  Yet, I was not feeling so good, because of the developments I had with Jess (more details in next post).  What an emotional weekend!

PS. Sorry , I feel like this post is really poorly written....

PPS. Why do I only have oh so few comments on my posts now !?!  Remember, I'm an attention whore :-P

The fight against homophobia

I have lots of things to say about that topic today.... 

The first is that I have noticed that people around me at work have been making less gay jokes since they know I'm gay.  There's only one guy who has continued.  I heard him a couple times last week.  I was about to go talk to him once but I had decided to wait a bit.  Last Saturday I was talking to Jack about it and I told him that I was going to tell the guy really soon that I wanted him to stop.  He commended the fact that I was standing up for who I am, but he still tried to explain to me that such talk has always been and blah blah....  I'm not a fool.  I know there is history behind that.  But I don't understand why he kinda wanted to minimize it... Anyways....

So last Monday I heard the guy again.  I went to see him a bit later and I told him that I don't like these kind of jokes because saying that someone is gay when he does a bad move when playing a game really doesn't make any sense.  The guy looked ashame and sorry and he told me he was sorry.  I reaffirmed that such statements just don,t make any sense and I didn't need to explain my thoughts more. I thought it was enough and I didn't want to be too hard on him.

This morning I got to tell Jack about it. He told me that the guy had talked about it to him.  He didn't tell me how, but he told me again that people have been used for a long time to say jokes like that.  And this time he went further by saying  that people use to call a guy gay when he does something weak because it chows some feminity or shit like that....  I don't even remember how I reacted to that.  I think I stayed calm and that I ended up leaving without letting him know that I thought it was really stupid what he had just said.

Another thing I wanted to talk about isthe fact that the government of Québec has launched a new campaign to fight homophobia.  The site is http://fighthomophobia.gouv.qc.ca/.  What I like the most is what I could call the "Homophobia for dummies" page: http://fighthomophobia.gouv.qc.ca/#./understanding.  I showed it to Jack last Sunday and he said it was really true and that I should post it on my facebook page.  I felt like I was not quite ready to do that, but I certainly will at some point.  The campaign has received its share of negative comments by people saying that the government shouldn't spend money on such a campaign.  However, nobody says a thing when there is a campaign to explain that people who deal with depression are not weak, they have a sickness...  That's really hypocrit...

Today, during lunch time, I went to see my facebook feed and I saw a message that made me laugh a lot.  It was published by a straight girl who I'm friends with on facebook.  Basically, the message said:

"If you're afraid that your children becomes homosexual because they see 2 guys kiss on TV, you should also be afraid that they become Pokemons, become a milk add or become one of (insert name of popular TV series writer)'s character.  So shut up!"

I thought it was a really good one (even if there is actually no reason at all to fear that someone becomes gay...) and I decided to share it on my own wall. Really the first reason was that I thought it was a good one.  I didn't see it as if I was coming out on facebook, since the girl who had posted it is not lesbian.  Still, I felt like it was a baby step for me in letting the world know I'm gay.  Finally, I thought it was a good think to share it since I do want to help fighting homophobia.

Tonight, my friend Jess commented on that post.  She said: "Wow, you surprise me!"  I wrote her in private to ask her what's the matter and she replied that she wouldn't have thought I would have dare post that on facebook.  So I explained to her what I wrote in the paragraph above.  Here's how the conversation continued:

Jess: Well, good luck! it,s just not bias against gays, itls about a different lifestyle.  You want to fight against a system that is well established and that has made its proofs, since forever!.

Me: Hmmmmmmmm....

Jess: ??

Me: Hmmmmmmm...

Jess: Are you eating? you keep saying hmmmmmmm

Me: I'm thinking

(I was actually shocked and disappointed and sad about what she had told me.  I was trying to find a way to say what I think without telling her shit)

Me: First, I didn't say that it was the fight of my life, far from that.

Me: Second, what you wrote me is quite depressing.

Jess: But you can't change the world

Me: I know, but your vision is way too depressing and pessimistic.

Me: And it's not true that the world doesn't change.  Everyone agrees that it's easier than eer to be gay now becausse it's more and more accepted.  Why couldn't it get even better??

Jess: I don't know, but why don't you just begin by living a "gay life" before.... I think you will be able to really know what are the battles you should pick...

Me: Hmmmmmmmmmm.....

I don't know if it's just me, but I thought what she told me was really insulting.  I stopped our conversation there because I didn't want to say stuff I would regret later.

After that I was really depressed thinking how my friends, who have accepted me from the moment I told them I was gay, don't realize that they have some form of homophobia in them (well, maybe homophobia is not the right word, but it's something similar to that) and that they don't realize it and that it hurts me when they express it.

Not so long after that, Jack sent me a message on MSN asking if I was there. I said I was.  He told me something was bugging him about me and that he wanted to talk about it.  I said that I was really not in a good mood.  I was sure it had something to do about my recent actions against homophobia.  I was already shaken enough, I didn't need more.  Yet, a minute later, I was too nervous and I told him I wanted to talk on the phone.  So I called him and he asked me why I was felling so bad.  I just couldn't tell him that I was shocked that he and Jess didn't understand me and that I feared they would be mad at me if I tried to make them understand how I really feel.  He seemed really worried about me and no sound could come out of my mouth.  He told me that I could talk to him.  I told him that I didn't know how to say what was happening.  He told me that what he had to tell me could wait, because it was not such a big deal. At least I was relieved to learn that.  The discussion stopped there, I don't remember how we ended it....

A few more things happened tonight , but I have to go sleep now.  I'll recall them later when the situation will have developped with Jess and Jack.

That day at the clinic

Hey everyone

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, much has been going on and I didn't have the heart to sit and write.  I still have a lot to talk about!!!

So I wanted to go back through last Thursday when I learned that Flyman was clean.

Quite frankly, in the days before the D-Day, everything felt really normal.  I didn't feel any more pressure or stress than usual.  I do think that I was confident that I was gonna be ok.  I think that the support I got from my readers, as well as from my friends in the chat room and also from my boss really helped me.  As you can see, I had not told anyone from my family or friends about it.  I just didn't want to scare them for nothing. 

My boss knew cause he had seen something was going wrong with me and he made me confident enough to tell him everything.  His support was really a key to my comfort because ....  I don't really know why.  It was just awesome to know that he supported me and respected me through it all. Sometimes he acts like a father with me and it was definitely a good thing for me during that period of my life. 

So I left work at 11 and went at Flyman's place.  I was seeing him for the first time in 3 weeks and it didn't feel as awkward as i would have thought.  I ate a bit there and by noon we were leaving for Montreal.  The road went well, we kinda caught back on what happened in our lives.  We were not that chatty.  For my part it was not because of stress.  Maybe a little discomfort, but really slight.  He was confident too that he was clean.

We arrived at the clinic around 1:30.  Less than 30 minutes later the doctor greeted us and we both went together, even if we had our appointments separately.  At one point he asked for how long we had been together.  I told him that we were not anymore.  It shocked him.  He said that usually, exes don't go in the doctors office together.  We told that we were both comfortable with it. 

So Flyman had his exam and then he had to leave to fill a form and have a small sample of blood taken for the quick HIV test, (which was THE most important thing for the day since it had been just over 2 months since his unprotected relation with another guy).  In the meantime, I was to be examined by the doctor as well.  I told him I was surprised that it seemed so rare that 2 guys who were not together anymore would come together at the doctor.  He asked me why we weren't together anymore and I told him that it just didn't click enough.

He took a blood sample from me as a follow up to the treatment I had followed.  He told me that I should as well take the quick test so I said OK.  After that was done, I left as well to fill a form and give a small blood sample for the quick test.  When I gave my form to the receptionist, she told me I had to wait 30 minutes.  So I told Flyman that we had to wait 30 minutes before giving our blood sample and then 30 minutes before getting the results.  So we sat in the waiting room and started playing a game on his phone.

After a bit more than 20 minutes, the doctor called me to go in his office.  I was really surprised and didn't understand what was going on.  So I went with him.  In his office, he told me that the test was negative and that he was confident that even if my unprotected act was less than 2 months ago, I would have good results.  I was REALLY confused.  I told him that I had not given my sample yet.  He said that the laboratory probably took a sample from the blood sample I took that was meant to evaluate the treatment.  So he told me to continue being safe and he wished me luck.. i thanked hi and I left, still baffled by what had just happened.

As I was going back tothe waiting room, I realized that Flyman had not received his results yet.  That had to mean something bad.  He had given his blood before me so his results should have come up before mine!  I became worried that it meant that the doctor chose to tell him after me because his results were positive.

As I sat, the doctor called him and he went with him.  That's where I became really nervous!  I was thinking: "Please come out soon, please come out soon", as the longest it took, the more probable he would receive some bad news.

Happily, he came back maybe less than a minute later, all smiles.  He said that he was clean!  I was relieved!

We left the clinic and I was kinda shocked.  Flyman asked me if I was relieved.  I told him that I didn't know how I was feeling.  I promptly sent my boss a message that was only a smiling smiley (  :)  ). 

We got out of the building and I was still in shock.  Like I said in my previous post, I think that my brain didn't know how to process everything.  It happened really fast and we got the results when we thought we had not even given blood samples for the quick test.

So I brought him back to his place.  We chatted a bit and I told him how surprised I was that the doctor told him after me that he was clean.  If I had been the doctor, I would have told him in the first place to avoid the other guy (me) being so worried.  I was that shocked that I took the wrong road (was heading for my town instead of his).

I left Flyman and we said that we should meet someday soon.  I went back at my place and at around 5 I was back home.  It had been quite a day!

I ate, wrote my post, went into the chat room to tell my friends I was OK.  Then I went at the LGBT meeting.  After the meeting, I chatted a bit with the leader I had talked to about my problems 3 weeks before ( I believe I wrote about it). 

As I explained in my last post, I'm surprised that I didn't have strong emotions about everything.  Even now, after a great weekend, it almost seems like all that was a dream.  I'm not sure what to think about it...  I don't understand my emotions or lack of them... 

I mean, I'm not going all crazy about it and I'm still doing very fine!  But I just don't get it!!

We're clean!!

Hi!!  Just a little update to let you know that Flyman is clean and that so am I!!

My brain doesn't know hot to react to the good news.  I feel pretty much tired and I have a small headache and my legs hurt.  That usually means that I'm tired, that I haven't eaten enough during the day or that my stress level is going down.  It's probably a mix of all of these causes.

I haven't been overly happy and I only had a few tears in my eyes....  My brain really doesn't know what to do!!

I'm still here !! -- Going forward edition

I've decided to take on the challenge from Brad at 2 Boys in Love and share a list of "items" that have caught my attention lately.  

Item 1: Insanely hot dudes!!

I have to say that I've been a bit off these last weeks.  But these last days...  it's beginning to change!!  I'm .... well.... hornier :)  And I can't believe how these dudes below are hot!!

Item #2: Ben Cohen

I know he's not an item!!  He's a person, and a very good looking one.  It is not the first time I post pics of him here and there is a good reason for that.  It's because I just can't stop going back to looking at him !! Hehehe!!!

Item #3: Bubbly

As I've mentionned at Item #1,  I'm beginning to be back at my usual self.  So I began to be happier.  When I was downer, one of my friends in the chat room had told me that he missed my bubbly side.  I was not quite sure what it meant, but I kinda knew it had to do with general happiness. Then, a few days ago, that same friend said he was happy because I was back to being bubbly!!  That really made me smile because it is such a funny word and I'm happy to be identified as "bubbly".  It's become my word of the week!  Anyways, I suppose it looks silly from the outside, but it really means something to me.

Item #4: Cooking

I wish I knew how to cook.  I wish I could prepare good meals.  But sadly, I don't have passion for that and I lack on planning for it.  So, I often end up eating some really simple and basic stuff.  And it becomes repetitive, I lack creativity as well on that department....

Item #5: Meds

Tonight is the 28th and last day of my tritherapy.  I did hide it from everyone around me except my boss.  That proved a bit tricky on the 2 occasions that I had a dinner at my parents.  I didn't want to take my meds there because my family would have noticed it.  Luckily, I had to take my meds at 5:15, so before leaving for dinner at my parents, I took "pre-dinners" and took my meds and hurried to leave for my parents.  I had to lie to give reasons why I was so late, but its for the better good.

Item #6: Europe

I've been chatting with a lot of Euro guys and living there seems awesome!!  You're so close to many other countries and cultures!!  You can travel within the continent at what seems to be relatively cheap prices.  I'm thinking about going over there for my summer vacations.  So far I've stayed in North America and the furthest I went was California.  So Europe would really be a cool destination to go to.

Item #7: Bazaar

I started reading that Stephen King book last summer.  I have 2/3 read.  I really enjoyed reading it, but somehow I stopped.  I really need to go back at it again!