Finally settling things with Janice

Last night, Janice and I finally settled our disagreement from last summer.  I rapidly went through my entries of last summer and I only found these 2 posts that were talking about it:

http://gowingforward.blogspot.ca/2012/09/mixed-signals.html

http://gowingforward.blogspot.ca/2012/10/refriending.html

It seems like I didn't write that much about it, even if it had been a huge blow in my life.  To summarize the story (and maybe add elements that I had not talked about); After I came out to her, she admitted that she would see me differently and that she would be much less close to me than we used to be.  I really didn't understand why.  I tried and tried and tried mo make her tell me.  She would not want to.  I was getting very desperate, because I really dont like to have things like that unsettled.  To the point that it was really making me go nuts to not know.  One night, I sent her an email telling her how much it hurt me to be left in the dark like that.  I thought that maybe she felt bad if she had more than friendships feelings for me (even if she's in couple with Jack).  At that point I was considering that, since I just had no idea of what it could be about, I tried to think outside of the box to find an answer.  If it was the case, I wrote her that it was OK, to not feel bad about it.  I even allowed myself to make a joke and i wrote that its normal because I'm such a lovely guy.

A few days later, she replied to my email.  She was really pissed of.  She told mean things to me and in the end, I still didn't know why she was seeing me differntly and on top of that, I didn't even understand why she was now very mad at me.

I was really, really disturbed.  I called my cousin Sandy and as soon as she spoke, I started crying uncontrollably.  I thought I had ruined a friendship even if I didn't know what I had done wrong.  Sandy helped me calm down (after at least 30 minutes of mixed words and tears). 

Janice and I were supposed to get to talk, but it never happened.  We spent a months without talking to each other.  Then, the tension between us slowly vanished and things were becoming more under control.  It was still bugging me that I didn't know what happened, but I suppose time made me have less interest in it.  It was still in the air that janice and why would have to talk about it, but it never seem to happen, until last night.

After talking to her about the troubles I had with Jess (see the previous post), she decided to tell me what happened last summer.  I'm not sure why she felt it was a good moment, but anyways!  She told me that when she learned that I was gay, even though she thought it was a really good thing for me to accept it and come out, she was really confused regarding stuff she had been told about me.  She had heard that not a so long time prior to that I had spent 2 whole weekends with 2 different girls.  When I heard that I really jumped!  She told me that when she had learned about it, she was happy for me to date girls.  But when I told her I was gay, she thought that I had been an ass with these girls, since I could have broken their heart, knowing that I was gay. I started crying.  Then, as I realized that all the shit that had happened, that almost broke my friendship with her, was based on a terrible lie I started shaking and crying with a lot more intensity.  She was standing in front of me, telling me not to cry.  But I grabbed her and hugged her really tight and I started crying even more.  She then told me to let it go and it was not pretty.  I was even almost hyperventilating. It must have lasted 2 minutes that I was in an intense pain.  Then it calmed down, and a bit later I let go of our hug.  She gave me a blanket cause I was really cold.

When I had calmed down, I proceeded in telling her the true story (the second paragraph of that post).  Basically, I explained to her that it had been only one girl, one afternoon and that I had had that date because I had received an ultimatum to do so.  I told her that for any reason, if there is something that really, really pisses me off, it is to be judged without being able to give my own version of the facts.  She said she was really sorry.

She explained that when she had read my email back last summer, she was biased because of what she had been told about me. Also, when she had read my joke about being adorable, she thought about those girls that could have been hurt because I would have used that quality to fool them.

So I understood everything (I had done nothing wrong after all).  Janice was sorry about it all.  I could finally move on from it and it seems that we have become friends again.

As I was leaving, I told her that it had really hurt me last summer when she was mean to me (she had even told me back then that she had contemplated stopping our friendship).  She told me that she had told Jack that I was his friend only, not hers.  She would let me come in their house because I was still his friend, but that for her, it was over.  But, as I explained above, as time passed, things cooled down and she got to talk to me again.

Finally, she told me that she was mad at me because, as I had learned, she thought that I had not been nice with these girls, but that she was also mad at herself for having a huge confidence in me, a guy who shouldn't have been trusted.  But she said that now she knows that she can have confidence in me and she's happy that she was wrong after all about me being an ass.

I repeated that it is really frustrating and disappointing for me to have been judged without having been given the possibility to give my own version of the facts.  Also, if she would have told me earlier, we would have avoided all that trouble.  She agreed.  I think that she will learn from it, because she saw how much it had hurt me.

As I was still crying a bit, I gave her another last hug and I left.  I felt much better about that whole story.  Yet, I was not feeling so good, because of the developments I had with Jess (more details in next post).  What an emotional weekend!

PS. Sorry , I feel like this post is really poorly written....

PPS. Why do I only have oh so few comments on my posts now !?!  Remember, I'm an attention whore :-P