This is a post I wanted to write a long time ago. But I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't jinx myself by talking about it before a certain event happened.
About 10 days ago, I received the results of the HIV test done 4 months after my possible infection. The result was negative, as expected, but I was still a little tiny bit nervous.
It means that that chapter of my life has officially ended. Of course the last months were not hard on me regarding that specific issue. But I am still glad it is over.
Some of you may remember, but when I was starting my medication to prevent the possible infection to grow ( and to actually kill it), I talked about all this with my boss. There is one aspect of the discussion we had that I didn't mention when I did my original post.
My boss told me that When I was thinking about HIV, all I could see was death. I kinda acknowledged that, but it is not what I was seeing at all. I didn't tell him what i was really seeing, probably because I was not sure how to express my thiughts, but also because I didn't need him ( and still don't) to know what I see.
When I thought I could have got HIV, the most shattering thing I would see was isolation, reject and loneliness.
I find it already dificult to find someone to build a relationship with. I just don't know how I could do it if I was HIV+. I know there are some support groups and various things.... but still. Also, I didn't see myself revealing the news to the people around me. That would have been too tough. I wouldn't want them to pity me. And I wouldn't want them to suffer ( especially my mom ) for that. So what would that mean: that barely a few months after I had revealed my biggest secret in the hope to be free and happy, I would have to hide a much more " shameful" secret. I know that it would have been an accident if I had got it, but .... being HIV+ is not something you can be proud of, is it?
I thought that I would have been so pathetic. A 30 yo guy who finally ends up in bed with someone after a lot of introspecion on what he wants his life to be, that the first time he does it, he gets infected and that it destroys all his hopes for the future.
That's what I was seeing.
I feared to not be able to live the life I wanted to live and to be alone for the rest of my life.
PS. this is my own actual view on the subject. If you are HIV+, I hope that I didn't offend you. Fear is very powerful when facing the unknown. I do hope that some HIV+ persons manage to have a happy life and don't feel the isolation I so feared and still fear.
huggs
ReplyDeletetx :)
DeleteThis is the problem with the stigmatization of people with HIV and STI's in general. In reality, I think 90% of it is actually just a new form of slut-shaming. The idea that if someone has HIV or another STI, they must have been "promiscuous" (which is really just a fancy word for "has more sex than I think someone should have or the kind of sex I don't approve of").
ReplyDeleteYes, it is hard to find love and happiness if one is HIV+. However, that's only because most people still insist on treating HIV+ people like lepers. And that's not right.
Colorful, for my part I do not consider HIV+ people sluts. I know that many things can happen and I certainly would never think that someone HIV+ has less morals then someone negative. Concerning your last paragraph, that represents more the fear that I had /have. To be honest, I don't know how I would react if I would fall in love with a HIV+ guy. I would certainly be very concerned. I know there are ways to limit the transmission, but nobody is totally safe from accidents happening.
DeleteIt's not even just limiting the transmission. There's also the fact that HIV is not the death sentence it used to be. Yeah, it's still no pleasure cruise and people should take every reasonable precaution to remain uninfected. But with early detection and affordable access to the right anti-virals to keep viral loads low (even undetectable), HIV+ people now often have decades of healthy living ahead of them.
DeleteI couldn't imagine having HIV, that experience must have truly been terrifying. I am glad you are healthy now. I am also single and have never had sex with anyone. I sure hope the one time I do have sex, I won't get an STD. As you already said, it is difficult talking and starting relationships without HIV. With HIV, a lot of people don't fully understand it, so they avoid people with it at all costs. I am in the closet, and telling my parents that I am gay with HIV would be very hard, as they believe gay people are already the cause of HIV in the first place. I admire you! Try not to think about being a lone too often. I find that when I dwell on it too much, I become depressed.
ReplyDeletethanks Joseph
DeleteJF, having read your posts as you went through this from the beginning, it is understandable you would feel relieved it is finally over. And that you did not contact HIV is a blessing. As you move on with your life try not to dwell too much on what happened. I know you will be extra careful, and that's a good thing, but enjoy the outcome and try to give yourself time to form new relationships. Good luck.
ReplyDeletethanks Susan for your kind words all along that mini journey!
DeleteHey JF, I'm really glad things worked out and you're HIV -. I agree with The Colorful One about the problem with STDs being the stigma surrounding them and that everyone that has one is automatically considered a slut. I know two people that are HIV + and for the record, both are straight and one contracted it the very first time he slept with anyone.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find the happiness and love you're looking for.
-Shell
Aww Shell I feel a lot of empathy for that person who contravted it the very first time he slept with anyone :(
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