Tuesday, December 31, 2013
With the year ending, I cannot help but reflect on all the things that I lived, experimented this year. Even without it being the New Year's Eve, I was actually already trying to figure out a few things and am challenging some other things.
I guess the hardest thing for me this year, is to deal with other guys. So far in my life, like you coulkd have read in my earlier entries, almost all that was happening to me depended on me, on my own decisions. This certainly couldn't continue the same way while trying to meet guys and find a boyfriend. Obviously, I now have to deal with other people's decisions, emotions and behaviors (all of which often baffle me). And I suppose that it's just the beginning, because I have yet to be in a true relationship (I split up with Marky... more details to come).
Apart from that, I have lived many new things: started profiles on dating sites, set my first date up, had my first date, my first kisses, I saw another man naked, I touched another guy, I had my first attempt at sex (which went wrong!!) , my first health fears, my first breakup, my first time that I really clicked with a guy, the first time that it backfired, the first time another guy slept with me in my bed and some other sexual firsts.
I had my first heartbreak ( with SL), even if I can't say that I was in love with him. I had my first kisses in public, my first realization that I was still thinking about another guy (SL) when I was dating another guy... which led to me breaking up with that latter guy.
I have also had the most bizarre relationship with J. After my 2 first dates with him, I thought we were meant for each other and I was on cloud 9. However, things slowly changed and his interest in me was suddenly gone, without me knowing why. Followed days and weeks of confusion. He stopped talking to me for a while, then he finally accepted to talk to me again. From there on, we went to being friends, to potential lovers again, to friends, to sleep buddies, to friends (I actually had my trip to Mexico with him).... It is really a friendship that is not easy, because I have a feeling of unfinished business with him and I have to admit that there has been no day since I've known him that I haven't thought about him. Yet, I don't even think that I could be happy with him. But my heart can't forget him. There are days where all is fine when I see him as a friend, but some other days, my heart still beats differently for him.
Some might say that it is an unhealthy relationship. And I may agree. In addition, he represents a few things that I don't like about the ''gay world''. But we are still friends. Even if he exasparates me sometimes, I see it as a learning experience. He challenges my beliefs and my attitude regularly and I do think that it is a good thing, even if I'm hurt at times.
(Wow, I had not planned on talking so much about J, but he does occupy an important part in my life).
I went to my first gay bars, my first strippers club (males and female haha). I saw my first drag queen shows. I went dancing for the first time with another guy. I had more new sexual experinces and I finally had sex without drama.
I also felt new things, beautiful or bad. I felt things that I didn't even know I could feel and others that I didn't even know existed.
It was quite a year, yes if I look at this huge list. However, I still seek for more obviously. I feel like I'm really ready for a true loving relationship and that has not come in 2013. It's obviously something I wish I will get in 2014.
I also wish to continue to open myself more, but to still respect my values. I want to continue to challenge myself and to be challenged. If there is one thing that I do not want, it is the status quo. That's why I need to open up and challenge myself. If I don't do that, I won't feel alive. It's something that I've come to realize lately. Hopefully I will feel very alive in 2014.
I hope you will all have a great year and see you soon :)