Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Weekend adventures - part 3

Last Tuesday : Ok I know it's not the weekend but nonetheles....  I had invited J over or dessert.  He actually never came at my place even if I went at his place numerous times.  At around  4PM when I was still at work, he called me saying we could go see a drag show that evening. ( we have been talking about doing this for a few weeks but it never worked out).  And... it didn't work out this that time neither.... he told me he was sick...

Friday: I had another date with Johnny.  During the week, he had told me that sometimes he thinks he talks too much, but I said it was ok for me because I know I'm not a huge talker.  Knowing that, I thought that maybe he had held back from talking more and that maybe my interest in him could come back.  I went at his place after dinner.  We talked some and we watched a movie, cuddling on the couch again.  But as we were watching the movie, I knew the interest wouldn't come.  After the movie he asked if I could massage his back, because it hus him a lot.  I accepted and we went on his bed to do so.  After the massage, I layed beside him and we just stayed there cuddling for a while.  it was getting quite late and I think he would have wanted me to stay there for he night.  But i just couldn't.  I said that I was leaving and he let me go.  We hugged again and this time he didn't try to kiss me.  On my drive back home, it was clear that I needed to let him know that i don't see him as more than a friend.

Saturday: J called me in the afternoon.  He wanted to have dinner and watch movies during the evening.  I said Ok.  We had a good time together going to the restaurant, at the restaurant, then coming back to his place.  Came movie time and he told me to go on a different couch then the one he was on.  As I try to stay cool and careful with everything that happens between us, I did as he asked.  After the movies, he said he was going to bed and this time he didn't invite me to stay, which saddened me a bit because I would have taken a bit of human warmth.

Sunday morning: I called Johnny.  I told him that I dn't see him as more than a friend and that I still think he was great qualities.  He said it was OK and that he saw it coming a bit ( it's true that I have been a tad cold with him). On his side, he told me that since I don't talk a lot, he didn't know if he could have interest in me yet, but was willing to be patient to learn more from me.  10 minutes after the call, he texted me that even if it's ok, the situation hurts him a bit. I texted him back that I'm really sorry.

So I'm back at square 1 and I'm definitely not happy about it.  I'm hating the dating sites more and more every day and I just want the day where I won't need to look for my man to arrive.

At least, as many would say, I'm having fun along the way and I have new experiences.... but I just want one man to love me and to love him back.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Weekend adventures - part 2

2 weekends ago

Friday: nothing happened and it was quite depressing... following my 4 consecutive nights of the previous weekend!

Saturday: I had been chatting with a guy for a few days and we agreed to meet up.  This guy, Johnny, likes to dance.  I told him it was not really my thing, but we agreed that we would go for a drink and then we would see.  This guy is from Montreal, so we met at a subway station in the gay village ( I'm beginning to go there often lol) When I saw him, it was the first time that I had a date with someone who "looks gay" .  So I was curious!  We went for a walk first and we chatted about dating and relationship stuff.  He said a lot of things that resonated with me.  I think he has good values and so it was a good start. I didn't care how he was dressed anymore!  We then went in a bar and had a beer.  Following that I agreed to go dancing!  It was actually really nice.  I had never danced in the company of only one person so I liked that much more than with many people I know, or worst, many people that I don't know!  Johnny loves to dance!!  He was really good at it and very energetic!!  I thought he was real cute and I was happy to be with him and dancing!  Leaving the bar, it was a bit cold outside so we walked side by side so I could heat him up since I had a vest and he didn't.  We chatted some more and I drove him back to his place.  He was funny as he was groping my arm ( which is absolutely not imoressive!!) We may have hugged as he got out but nothing more. On my way back home, I thought that I would definitely want to go out again with him.

One weekend ago

Friday:  Johnny and I had continued texting during the week and I had called him once too.  We had set a date for friday.  We went dinner in an indian restaurant.  It was really good, it was the first time for me.  After that, we went to the same bar as the first date. It was still early, so we couldn't dance yet.  At 11, there was a drag queen show so I saw my first drag queen show!!  It was interesting!  Of course, some were bad, but one was particularly funny and I really liked her. At one point I suggested to Johnny that we could go ance and he agreed.  We did and it was fun again.We didn't staty that long cause he had to work early next morning, so I drove him to his place again and this time we did hug for sure.

Saturday: I had a family dinner so I didn't schedule anything.  My brother, who is aware of all my new "activities" warned me to be sure not to set a date a week prior to that lol. Since I had forgotten about that dinner, it's a good thing he told me !!!

Sunday: I spent the afternoon with Johnny at various places in Montreal.  We went for a walk in a park and it kinda appeared clear suddenly that I didn't have that much interest in him.  Yeah I know... quite a bummer!!  I'm beginning to know what are the signs that I'm not interested in a guy and they began to come out during that walk.  Ater the walk, he prepared dinner for us and it was quite good!! After that we watched a movie together, cuddling on the couch.  He is a very delicate and respectful guy and I liked a lot how he acted with me.  But in my heart, I knew that the inevitable was coming ....  As I was leaving, he tried to kiss me but I was really reluctant.  I told him that I am a very shy kisser in the beginnings ( which is true) and he said it was ok.  Ater I left, it was not that late so I decided to do a quick visit to J.  I stayed for maybe 10 minutes and it was good seeing him again ( even if I'm troubled by him and me not being together).

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Weekend adventures

I've been going out and dating more than usual this past month.  But I'm back to square 1 at the moment :(

3 weekends ago

Thursday: I had a date with a guy. We were supposed to have a beer in a bar, but instead we went to the ice cream shop.  After that, we went for a walk.  That guy didn't really interest me.  The next day I tell him that I'm not interest in pursuing.  He asks why did you tell me that we would see each other again? I replied that I was not sure yet so I prefered to not close the door too fast.  He seemed pissed at me, but I really don't think I was a jerk.  I kept the door open for more thinking and the next day I told him the truth.... I don't think I led him in false hopes.

Friday: I was chatting with a guy I went out once during the summer, we had gone rollerblading together then had dinner.  So I was chatting again with this guy and we decided that we would go out in Montreal.  So I was about to go to my first gay bar in Montreal haha. I had already gone to a few in San Diego and only to one lesbian bar in Montreal ( did I ever write about it??) So anyways we met in a parking lot and he drove us there.  So we went in a stripper bar hahaha.  It was nice.  Some were good ( one was particularly hot) and some were bad in my opinion.  We then went to another stripper bar!  This guy usually goes dancing, but since I had told him I didn't really like to dance we simply stayed in that bar.  All in all we had a good time, shared a few laughs.  We talked more on the ride to and from, since it was about 45 minutes.  He is a nice guy and sexy also, but he is not the most talkative and I am not neither, so it was not a whirlwind of words!!  I've had a few signs that he may be interested in me... but I'm just too slow to notice them as they happen and also I'm really to shy ( I have to change that!!!) to do a few moves :(.

Saturday: I met this nice but young (21) guy. We went dinner then to the movies.  When we were chatting before our date, it was a bit awkward at times as he asked me questions such as: will we get closer during the movie? will I be able to kiss you? do you confirm we really are going out together tonight?

I let these things aside and still went.  The guy was nice, but I really didn't feel anything special for him.  Once at the theater, one of his cousins arrived with her boyfriend and they sat beside us!!!! LOL I can't believe how stupid they are.  I didn't really care, but my date was probably so mad!!

The next days he wrote me if we would meet again and I said yes, since I was not ready to close the door on him.  But then time passed and I have not contacted him again so I feel bad about this one.  It was really not my intention to be that cheap :(

Sunday: I met up with J again.  I don't really remember what we did on that particular "meeting" ( not sure I can call it a date). But, in the evening, we were watching tv and got slightly close.  When bed time came he asked me to sleep in bed with him. I agreed and we simply slept cuddling together.  Once, he put his hand on my thigh sidde, at butt height!  I got aroused and it lasted at least 10 minutes.  He was ot moving his hand or nothing and he surely didnt realize what was going on.  But, talking to one of my chat room friends about that, he made me realize that if it lasted that long, it's because I have something not just physical for him.  The next morning, we watched tv in bed and then I left.  I was honestly not hoping for anything following that... I took it as a nice time sleeping cuddling.

To be continued....

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Two stupid lonely souls

If our lives were a movie, we could see in the same shot : me on the right, on my sofa, wandering on various social networks.  On the left, you, in your bed, wandering on the same networks.  We both see each other online. On the screen, we look like a mirrored image of the other one.

We both are stupid.  You, for not realizing how good of a boyfriend I could be for you.  For looking for an easy "falling in love".  For not giving ourselves a chance.  For not telling me why you've rejected me like this.  For being still attached to your ex boyfriend who clearly doesn't want you anymore.

Me, for not being able to get out of my comfort zone.  For thinking too much into everything.  For being still attached to you even if you friend-zoned me ( Have I really become your straight friend??)  And for probably many more things you could tell me but that you don't dare telling me, cause you're so stupid...

In another scene, we could have a flashback of you being shocked by learning that your ex boyfriend has found a new boyfriend and that he is totally in love with him.  Then back to the present, we could see me shocked, pushing the phone away from my ears when you tell me how much you still love him.  Yes, it does affect me, even if I know that you don't want me. Why are you so stupid not to realize that it hurts me?  Why am I so stupid to still care about you? Everyone tells me I should forget you and move on.  Yet, I don't.

If we were not both so stupid, we wouldn't be a mirror of the other's lonely soul.  We would forget how stupid we both are, turn off the social networks, meet up, spend time together and maybe, just maybe it could lead somewhere.  But the thing is, we are still tied to imaginary barriers.

What a despairing movie that would make....

Saturday, September 7, 2013

It feels so wrong. It feels so wrong. It's wrong. I feel sick.

I have kept in touch with J these last 2 weeks ( following my not sending the letter). We even met last Sunday.  I joined him in the evening and we went out for a bit before going back to his place.  I had no expectations at all. Correction: I hoped to get a bit closer to him, but kinda NSA. I didn't really want to have sex with him but I would have been happy to at least spend the night cuddling with him.  However I didn't want to start to have feelings for him, because I don't think he has any for me.

We were on the couch, I was watching tv and he was doing stuff on his laptop.  We were slowly getting closer.  When he said he was going to bed he invited me and I accepted.  We got into bed and prepared to sleep.  We cuddled and spooned at various moments of the night and following morning. it felt good.  

Around 10 we got up and I went back home.  He called me a a few times during the next days and I felt like I was managing things and my emotions pretty well.

Last night though, he posted a pic on Facebook of him and another guy, cuddling on his bed.

It did affect me.  I felt a bit of pain.  Not so intense, cause I am not in love with him.  But I do like him.  And I still had hopes that we were slowly going to be together.

But, what bothers me the most is that relationship feels so wrong to me. He had talked to me about this guy, I know who he is.  He had told me things about him, things that would prevent J to seek a relationship with that guy.  That's why it feels so wrong.  It's almost as if they are together only for sex. ( apparently sex with that guy is great).  Maybe J changed his mind too.  I have no idea.  The timing of the pic posting is also quite surprising, as it happened in a matter of days after J's ex-boyfriend went single again.  I wonder if he is playing a game on him, or why not on me?

So anyways, it feels wrong and it affected me last night.  I unfortunately took pills to sleep yesterday to make sure I could at least have a good sleep. When I woke up this morning one of the first things that popped on my mind is that famous pic. That's all I see or when I don't see him, I imagine them having sex and it's worst. I feel sick.

I feel empty and sick and I want to cuddle.  But I'm alone. Alone with these images in my head :(. At least I'm glad that I had stayed cautious with him, because it would hurt much more.  But then I'm thinking that maybe I was too cautious and that's the reason why he lost interest in me, if he ever had any....

My lil big gay bro at the rescue

I ended up not sending my letter to J.  After writing it and posting it here, I decided to wait a bit.  Then I got the chance to talk to my lil big gay bro for the first time in a long while and he made me realize a few things.  I do not wish to share the content of our discussion at the moment, I don't know if I ever will.  But in the end, I would say that he made me realize a few things and I felt so much better.  I had a huge smile and I was so happy to have talked to him.  Sending the letter had become useless so I didn't send it.