Friday, July 27, 2012

Someone's got a good gaydar...

I took a walk with my friend Janice yesterday night and I came out to her.  She didn't believe that I was gay.  I had to confirm it a few times.  Now here's the interesting part.  She told me that her brother, who happens to be gay, had told her that he was pretty sure that I was gay.  She told him that no, I was very straight, that I was not gay at all.  But, he still had his doubts.

So now I'm curious... what did I do to make him think I was gay ??  He's the first person I know of who thought that.  But more importantly: why was Janice so sure that I was so straight??  What did I do for her to evaluate me and be sure I was straight ??  I'll have to ask both of them that's for sure. 

I feel a bit "ashamed" to be happy to know that she was so sure I was not gay.  I have never given importance to be straight-acting or gay-acting.  So why do I give it some importance now?  I feel like I'm playing the stereotype game and I don't like that.

I'm also looking forward to talk to Jack again about my homosexuality, since our conversation was cut short the last time.  I think we will both learn a few things when we talk about it.


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Revisiting my blog... and my life

Tonight, I decided to read all what I have written on my blog.  I wanted to see how I would react to it.  I have to say that it was not as intense as I would have thought.  I had a few tears reading my coming out to my parents and also a few shivers when reading about my coming out to my cousin Sandy.

However, for the most part, I didn't react a lot. 

It makes me think...  Maybe, as I have come to accept myself and have successfully come out to the most important persons in my life, I have distanced myself from my past and the fears I had.  It seems like I am really looking ahead, going forward. 

I can't help but think that it is a good thing.

I feel at peace and I am happy.  I don't know what life will bring me next, but I am looking forward to it.

Sunday, July 22, 2012


I sometimes feel like that

Thanks for those who took some time to cheer me up after yesterday's post.  I needed to vent and my mind was not clear.  The post was called "I hate that feeling" for 2 reasons: because it was not the first time that I felt it and also because it is "only" a feeling.  I reckon that it is not because I feel something that it is the reality. I had way too much things going on in my head that I hoped that a good night sleep would be beneficial.

Things got even faster than I thought. After I wrote my post,  I went on MSN Messenger to see if my friend Jack was there (he's the one who told me things that were rude to me).  I wanted to ask him if I could borrow his hedge trimmer.  He was there so I asked him.  He told me something like "Sure, it will be a pleasure, just call me before."  That calmed my mind, because he did not seem to hold any bad feeling towards me.

This morning, before I got there to borrow his trimmer, I told myself that I needed to talk to him about how I felt.  I went and borrowed his trimmer, but I didn't tell him.  This afternoon, I had finished my trimming job so I went back to Jack's to give him back and to spend some time with him and his family, like I often do on weekends.  It happened that we ended up only the 2 of us, so I decided to talk to him.  Here is how it went.

Me: I have something to tell you, but I feel stupid because I think I'm being paranoid.
Jack: (jokingly) So you think you're crazy?
Me: No, it's about yesterday. you know when you were talking about (that subject), the way you said it, it may not be that you meant to do it, but I felt like you thought I was stupid and that you were trying to ridiculize me.
Jack: No, I'm sorry you felt like that, I did not mean to ridiculize you.

We talked some more about it, going back to where it had started earlier in the week and in the end, I understood that he didn't mean to be mean.  So that was first thing settled.

We also talked about how the events unfolded yesterday (what made me think that my friends were doing plans without me) and I realized that there were actually no plans, things had just happened the way they did. 

We went outside and I wondered if I would come out to him.  I didn't feel it, and I had the feeling that it would be better later in the night.  (This is not the first time that I mention this.  I think that the tranquility of the night eases things for me). 

So the afternoon flew by, we went to the market to buy food and we had a great dinner (me, Jack, Janice and their daughter).  Later in the night we had planned on watching a movie.  But Janice and their daughter went to see their neighbour, so it was only me and Jack in the living room, waiting for them to come back.  We didn't talk much, as I was thinking of coming out to him, trying to find some lines to start it up.  Jack was getting tired and he was in a semi-awake state.  That gave me an idea of how to start it.  My heartrate was already high for the 15 minutes or so that had elapsed since we were alone and that I was thinking about it.  I finally began:

Me: Are you still getting sleepy?
Jack: Yes
Me: Do you want me to tell you something that will keep you awake?
Jack: (suspicious face)
Me: It's actually something that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time...  I'm gay.

Once again, I don't clearly remember what happened after that and in what order.  He told me that it would change absolutely nothing for him.  I replied that that's what I had thought, but that it's still a hard thing to do.  I told him that I wanted to tell Janice in person so I didn't want him to tell her.  He said that he would not announce it to anyone.  I also specified that when Janice would know, they could talk about it together, but please not tell their daughter, because I don't want her to shout the news to everyone (she's only 8 but already very gossippy...).  I said that I wanted to manage who knows it before to be really open about it with everyone.  He again said that he really understood and that he would respect my wishes.  He asked me a few classical questions, but our discussion ended abruptly when Janice and their daughter came back to watch the movie. 

So that's pretty much all the turnarounds that happened today in regard to the things that happened or didn't happen during the last 2 weeks.  I'm glad that things are not as bad as I thought they were yesterday.  I'm also very happy to have made another step by telling my best friend I'm gay and that he's cool with it.

Friday, July 20, 2012

I hate that feeling

I hate when it seems like my friendships are drifting away.  I hate when my friends act to make me look stupid.  I hate when my friends forget that I exist.  I hate when my friends make plans without me.

I hate how it affects me so much.  I hate that I feel so disoriented about it.  I hate that I fear their reaction if I openly talk to them about it.  I hate to not understand what is going on.  I hate to not be able to trust my friends.

And it hurts that it happens when I so deeply want to show them who I really am.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

A missed opportunity, a hot day and a gay talk in the garden

No need to say I envy them

I'm feeling quite better than last thursday when I did my other post, even if I didn't come out uring the weekend.  I could almost do it on Friday night.  After I ended my day at the job, I went to the liquor store to buy some alcohol because I wanted to drink with my friends (it was another hot day and .... oh and I don't need excuses to drink haha!). So after that I went to my best friends Jack and Janice's home.  Another firend of ours (Jessica) arrived and we began to drink.  Than we had dinner and after that we resumed our drinking.  At the end of the evening, Jessica had left and Jack noticed that I was not in a state to drive and I agreed. He offered me to sleep in his home for the night and I accepted.  I can't say I was drunk, but I'm very careful about drinking and driving.  So we were outside and it was a perfect temperature.  I was staring at the night sky and I felt so well.  I thought that it was a good moment to come out to my friends, or at least one of them.  The thing is, I never got to be alone with one of them!  Janice's father was there too and when he went inside to sleep, than it was their daughter who spent some time with me (she didn't understand why I was alone outside).  I was hoping for her to go inside, so that when Jack would come outside (at this point I was sure Janice would not go back outside), I could have a talk with him.  When Jack came outside, he told me that he was going to sleep because he was really tired and had a big day the following day.  I hesitated to ask him to stay a bit... but his daughter was still there so in the end, I reluctantly got inside with them to go to sleep.  It's sad that I couldn't make it that night because I felt so much at peace and I think it's easier to have deep conversations under a night sky.

I had hoped that on saturday morning I would find some time to talk to Jack and/or Janice, but it was really not the case.  So I went back to my house to prepare for the pool party at my colleague's house.  It was already really hot early in the morning so I couldn't wait to go there and be in the water.

The party was really cool, we were 7 adults and there were 4 kids between 2 and 5.  I went in the pool 3 times (I can't remember the last time I did that) and had fun in and out of the pool with the kids, which is always cool.  We had BBQ for dinner and it was succulent.  The day ended with a fire and marshmallows and it was really cool.  I really had a nice hot day.  I wish there were more days like that :)

Today I felt tired all day long.  I'm not sure if it's because of the time spent under the sun yestersay.  So I was taking a nap this afternoon when my mom called me.  She asked me to come earlier for the usual Sunday family dinner, because she wanted me to help her harvest the curants she has in her garden. I love the pies she makes with it so I had offered her to help her do the harvest in exchange of some pies (I really love the sweet and sour taste of it).

So there I went and joined my mom who was already in the garden.  It didn't take long before she asked me if I told my cousin Sandy I was gay when I had went to see her.  I told her that I did and I explained her how it went.  After that, I asked her what she had meant the other day when she asked me not to tell my grandmother that I was gay.  It had sounded like she was about to die and that she didn't have to know before she died.  She told that it was not the case, but she thinks that she wouldn't like it (to have a gay grandson).  I asked her why she thinks that and the reason is that one time, she had seen 2 guys on a reality show who were actually brothers.  My grandmother thought that they were a couple, so she had called them faggots (fifi in french).  I told her that even if it's a harsh word, for her it was maybe just a way to say "gay".  It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't accept gays or hates them or something.  So the situation was better than I had expected.

After that, I asked her if she and my father had talked about my homosexuality since my coming out last October. She told me they didn't.  I was very surprised.  My mother told me that my dad didn't bring the topic to her (but she didn't do it neither).  She told me that the only occurence was after my dad's appointment with his doctor.  When he was asked what had happened in the last year, he told his doctor that he learned I was gay. 

So it may be a taboo or maybe they're unsure about when/how to talk about it.  But I think they're really OK with me being gay.  Of course my mother told me (again) that maybe if I had tried with a girl, I would see things differently.  But I replied that I know I'd be better with a boy than a girl.  We then talked about my visits to the sex couselor.  She asked me if it had helped me or if it had made me more confused.  I said that it helped me.  Finally, she asked me if I was going to find a boyfriend soon and I told her that I was not there yet.  She reminded me that I don't have to have sex the first night !!!  I reminded her that I know how to say no if I need to.  She also told me to have safe sex, which I replied that I was really aware of it.  A mom is always a mom, isn't she !?!  Finally, she told me that when I would bring a boyfriend, she was not sure how she or my father would react, that it could be awkward.  I said that it was OK and that it wouldn't be a problem for me. And I reminded her that my father seemed pretty comfortable with the idea when I came out to them.  In the end, I think it's just cool that her advices show that she's envisionning my future relationship(s) like any "straight" relationships.

So that's how the weekend went and hopefully I can find some time to talk with my friends this week.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

When will I be over and done with it?

I'm talking about coming out.  So far I've come out a total of 4 times, to a total of 5 persons.  I want to be completely out sooner than later, but I also want to tell personnally to people who are close to me, in a certain order of priority.  Maybe I make things more complicated than they should be.  Maybe not.  Coming out is a very personnal process and I need to do it this way.  But it's hard some times to find a good moment (I'm not even looking for THE good moment, as that would really be too slow).  I wanted to tell my 2 best friends (they're a couple) tonight.  I was happy about it.  But when I arrived at their home, they weren't there.  So I prepared all day for nothing (not that I really prepared for it, but I thought about it a few times and that always saps some energy).  It takes energy to come out and I would like to use my energy for something else, like finding a boyfriend.

So I wish to tell them tomorrow.  It will be an important step, because the guy works with me and I don't want to make him keep the secret for too long before I come out at work.  So I hope that things will happen fast after that and I think it will be a better situation to have everyone know instead of a few "privileged" ones.

On a happier note, I convinced one of my coworker to throw a pool party this weekend so we should have a lot of fun.  Maybe if I get too drunk I will unwillingly (or not) share my secret...

Pool party song

Monday, July 9, 2012

About: Sexuality

Being gay brings a guy to question a lot of things.  It also brings him to to try to conciliate his difference with what is widely accepted as "normal". (But being able to conciliate the difference doesn't mean that he doesn't embrace it as well.)

Over the last months, I have come to wonder about sexuality.  What is it exactly ? How should it be expressed? Can a sexual orientation be wrong?

Here is the fruit of my thinking.


Sex: the sexual act, not to mix up with sexuality.

Sexuality:  I see it as the way people have intimate bonds.

Why do people need to have intimate bonds?  Because that's the kind of animals we are.  Humans are social and sexual beasts.  Apart from a few exceptions, we need to live in groups and we need sexual connection not only during the love (reproduction) season, but all year long.  That's what we are, and I believe many people are quite happy about that.  So, we are made to have intimate bonds, therefore we are meant to live sexuality.

Now, I'll deconstruct my definition of sexuality.

Intimacy:  I see it as the deepest emotional and physical aspects of a person.

Bond: a close relationship between 2 persons or more.  There are many ways to achieve that and many are non-sexual:  family, friends, team...  None of the previous types of bonds satisfies both the deepest emotional and physical needs of a person.  Only the sexual bond can bring that (even though sometimes it doesn't...  but I suppose in these cases, there is no real bond, just sex).  To me, the intimate bond (and therefore sexuality) is a close relationship that allows two or more persons to share their deepest emotional and physical aspects. 

Oh, and by the way, what arouses me the most in both male-male and male-female sexual activities is when the intimate bond is at its pinnacle.

Sexual orientation:   I see it as the way a person expresses his sexuality.  I see it as the way a person expresses his humanity  (I don't want to say that asexual people are not human... I have not reflected on asexuality). 

Some people share intimate bonds with same sex partner(s), others with opposite sex partner(s), others with both sex partner(s).  That's human, that's the kind of animal we are.  We're social and sexual beasts and we have to express it.  Whatever the mean... who cares, as long as everyone involved is consenting??  There is no bad sexual orientation, as they are all meant to express ourselves, but in slightly different ways.

Our sexual orientation is our way to express who we are.  We all have one and it's what brings us all together as humans.  However, the differences in sexual orientation shouldn't cause division or isolation.  Division and isolation can break humanity and humankind.  I think nobody wants that to happen.  Let's all just be open about our diversity to be all humans.


That explains pretty much my views on the subject.  I hope I have not hurt anyone in the process.  I really would like you to tell me what you think about it now.  I may have completely missed some very important points, so I would like to know.  Also, if someone could try to fit the the asexuality into it, I would be glad to read it.  Thanks for reading and commenting.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

"He's in love"


The other night I was chatting with GDUSA.  We talked about a lot of things and we wound up talking about online dating and SCalRF.  SCalRF is beginning a great relationship with his boyfriend Ben and GDUSA has seen a few pictures of the new boyfriends together.  GDUSA wrote me something that is still imprinted in my memory.  He wrote:

"He's in love"

I was so happy when I read this.  I'm so romantic haha!!  Aren't these words just wonderful !?  Don't we all wish to be in love??

When I went to bed, I was still thinking about how wonderful his story was.

"He's in love"

When I woke up the next morning, I was feeling very happy.

"He's in love"

At work I was so happy I had to tell everyone that I felt so happy.

"He's in love"

I wish all the best to you, SCalRF and Ben.  May your love continue to grow.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Discovering and defining my bisexuality (Part 2 of 2): Closing many loose ends

Not yet the happy ending, though

So I'm finally here!!  After a month of blogging, recalling the major past events of my (gay) life, I can finally explain my bisexuality (and why I still say I'm gay).  I was really looking forward to writing this so I hope it will be as much a good reading as I enjoy writing this.

My first visit with the sex counselor was a relief.  After I told him why I was there (to understand who I was) and telling him my story, I asked him what he thought of my situation.  He told me that he thought he could help me.  That was a first good first step in comparison to my first phycological counselor.  In the first few visits, our conversations were concentrated on "How I feel in various situations".  It was really from everything that happened to me, romantically or not.  I suppose it was to get me connected with my emotions. 

I got to explain him what kind of emotions I sometimes have towards girls.  I told him that apart from the 2 girls I had been in love with, I think that I am seduced (but not excited) by girls.  I gave him two exemples.  The first was that once, I was talking to one of my girl friend from university and her eyes were so beautiful.  The way she looked at me (and I'm pretty sure she was not hitting on me, she's just so beautiful) while talking to me, I felt almost like melting.  I thought that I would have done anything she would have asked me to.  I was totally under her charm.  The other example was quite recent.  I had heard on the radio a renewal of a french song called "Je l'aime à mourir" (translation: I love her to death).  The original singer is a male (Francis Cabrel), but the renewal was sung by a girl (who I realized afterwards was Shakira).  While listening to the song, I was litterally charmed by the voice.  It made me feel... weird....  I think I have a thing for foreign girl's voices.  One of my friend's wife is south american and I just love the way she speaks.

Shakira - Je l'aime à mourir

After 5 meetings or so, we began to talk about sex.  One of my "homeworks" was to try to find what would be my "Perfect fantasy".  I won't explain that in details, but I'll just say that I was with a man and the romantic connexion was very strong during our "activities"!!  It's true that it's not the raw sex that makes me want to be with a guy, but really the whole experience. (Have I already said that I'm romantic!?! Now you know!!)

At one point, he told me that maybe I needed to explore my sexuality.  To try stuff with boys and girls.  I have always had reserves about this, because I don't want to "use" somebody.  But I know that many people do that (try with boys and girls), but I don't feel it to be right for me...  So at least, he asked me to do the following homework: to fantasize over girls. My next meeting was 3 weeks later.  That was giving me lots of time!!

However, in the first 2 weeks, I just never wanted to think about girls.  I only wanted to fantasize about guys.  So I called him and asked to push our next meeting back a few weeks, to let me do my homework.

In the meantime, I was approaching my 30th birthday.  I was a bit stressed about it, but not so much.  I was still under the impression that I had not done what I had expected to have done before 30.

But, two days before my birthday, I had a revelation!  I realized that all these things I had wished to have accomplished before 30, I had always knew that I would not have made them before 30.  I think that unconsciously, I hade always known that I would not have settled things with my sexuality before then.  So getting 30 was not the deadline, but actually the beginning!!  That's quite a mindchange!!  I realized that I had already begun to settle things and that my life would just get better and better.  Before that moment, I had thought (as explained in a previous post), that I would build the foundations of my life during my 20ies.  I had been right, however the foundations were not those that I had thought.  I had thought that they would be to have a lover (man or woman?? I don't know!) and to have children.  However, what I built during these years (and mainly the last year), was confidence and self-acceptance.  With that in my back pocket, I think that the 30ies will be pretty good.  My motto became: "The best is yet to come!"

Warning! Raw sex talk ahead!  I'm not comfortable writing about that (and it will probably show) but I'll give you only the strict minimum.

A few days later, my friends took me for a birthday dinner.  On the road back, I don't know how it started, but they began talking about sex.  At one point they were talking about "eating pussy"... and they got me excited!!  I promised myself to explore that for my homework (and of course for my very own pleasure). The next morning, well, I was looking for porn on the internet!  I found what I was looking for and I was a bit excited... than very excited, if you know what I mean.  Later the same morning, I was horny again.  I found another video and, well, I ended up happy again!  I was quite surprised by the events.  The next day, I did it again!  I though my counselor would be happy that I was taking my homework so seriously!

Some days later, I decided that I would try to fantasize about a girl without the help of porn.  Surprisingly, I did it again!!  And the next day again!  What I liked the most in these fantasies, was the intimacy and the connection that I had with the girl... pretty much the same things as with my "Perfect fantasy".

My next meeting with my counselor arrived and I talked to him about all these recent events (with a lot more details, but with the same discomfort).  In the end, he told me that he thought that it was  time for me to explore my sexuality, with either men or women.  At that point, I was more inclined to do it than before, but I was still not sure.  I told him that I needed to digest all these recent events.  He agreed with me and told me that we would not plan on a next meeting, but that he wanted me to take some actions.  I also agreed and I thanked him for everything.  That was my last meeting with him and for now, I don't need to see him again, but I don't say that it won't happen again.

So I was on my own again and I really just tried not to think too much about my sexuality for the next couple of days.  Too much had happened in a short amount of time and I needed a break.  Maybe 2 weeks later, I wound up wandering on the internet, looking for some gay blogs.  I didn't find what I wanted.  Then, I looked for bisexual blogs.  I wound up reading FratStar's bisexual Manifesto on Bi Kid's Life.  This opened a great new world to me.  First, I could reckon myself in his writings and of the other authors on that blog.  I read everything and I was so happy to read what people similar to me had to say.  That was the first time in my life that I could recognize my fears, doubts and hopes concerning my sexuality in somebody else.  Second, that was the startpoint to finding many other great blogs that I still read today.  I wound up spending many hours reading them and the more I was reading, the more I was feeling good with who I was.  I was already feeling good before that because I had accepted myself, but to feel to be part of a group, it just made things so much better.  Also, it did help me to understand better who I was.  It was a great complement to my meetings with the sex counselor. 

I can't explain how, but I came to just accept that I have a very strong attraction to men, but also a smaller romantic and sexual attraction to women.  Is it important to put a name on it? No.  What's important is to follow my feelings (did that come from my first meetings with the sex counselor??) and this way I should be able to find someone to love and be loved by in the most complete way.  That will probably end up being a guy, because I'm just so attracted to them.  Will I continue to have some attraction to women?  Surely.  Will I try to find and build a relationship with a girl?  No.  I would miss too much if I was with a girl.  When I'll be with a guy, I may miss a few things about girls, but I will surely easily get past them.  That's how I see it now.  To describe my sexuality, I like to do the following comparison:  we often see that some straight guys are bi-curious.  They're really into chicks, but would not say no to explore things with a guy.  We'll, I'm also bi-curious, but just the other way around.  However, since I'm just so focused on guys, this is why I consider myself to be gay... and I feel really good about that.

Since I finally pretty much knew who I was at that point, it was time to take action, as agreed with my counselor.  I was not ready to explore my sexuality, but I was ready to pursue my coming outs.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Back to the present

For the first time since I started my blog, something important happened to me today.  So I will break the linearity of my story to jump to what happened today.

I came out to my cousin Sandy.  It was important for me because we share a special bond.  We respect and understand each other very well.  She has been my confident for many years.  We talked about almost everything together from our careers, our objectives and also about religion.  She is a believer and I'm not; that has always produced some very intersting conversations.  But even if we don't share our beliefs, we always respect each other.  The only subjects we never talked about was sexuality.  Needless to say that I preferred it that way at the time.

These last years we got a bit more distant, but we've still managed to keep our bond solid.  So it was important for me that she would be the next to know after my family.  I was scared about it, because I didn't know what she thought about homosexuality.  In my mind she would be either comprehensive or accusative.  I really didn't know where she would stand.

So I went to see her this afternoon.  There was a lot of people in her apartment and many things were happening, so I couldn't get to be private with her.  At one point she got to bed because she was really exhausted from her busy last days.  When she got up, I went to see her and asked her if she wanted to take a walk.  She replied that she was going to ask me the same thing.  We smiled.  (We both knew that we were both missing our conversations so that was not a surprise)

We left for a walk in a nearby park.  We talked about many things in the first 45 minutes or so.  Then as we were getting closer to going back to her apartment.  I knew that I had to do it.  My throat and tongue became dry and I was having difficulty with my breath.  As we kept walking side by side, I began:

Me:  Sandy, I have to tell you something, but it's difficult to do.
Sandy: OK
Me: It's really hard to tell and I'm getting emotional, but I want you to know that I'm OK, it's just really  hard.
(long pause)
Me: I'm gay.

We were still side by side and I had not watched her yet.  I turned to face her and she was also facing me with a very shocked look in her face.  She had not expected that!!  She didn't seem scandalized, but I told her that I didn't know what she thought on the subject and what she understood her religion said about it.  She answered that I was still her cousin and that it wouldn't change everything anything for her.  I was already crying and I told her "Thank you".  She got closer and she hugged me.

We resumed our walk and talked openly and respectfully about it.  I was really intrigued about what her religious beliefs are concerning homosexuality.  We sat on a bench and began a very interesting discussion on the subject.  She told me that for her it was a sin, but that she didn't judge me.  We were both arguing against each others previous argument.  At one point she told me: "I don't want our different views to bring cold between us."  I told her that it would not because we have always respected our different views and that it was the same thing this time around, even if it had become much more personal.   It probably lasted another 45 minutes and it was the first such long conversation that I've had about my homosexuality.  I couldn't be more confortable than with her and I'm glad we had this discussion.  It turns out that she thinks that I won't go to Heaven. But she doesn't reject me, that's good enough for me!!  I don't know if God and Heaven exist, but if they do, I don't think that my homosexuality will force God to close the doors of Heaven before me.

She told me one more interesting thing.  She said she's glad that I didn't tell her 10 years ago, because she would probably have been much less comprehensive.  I told her that we both didn't have the maturity that we have today and we have both evolved.  It seems that the confidence had to be built.

Once we got back to her apartment, I was ready to leave.  She gave me a big hug and a big smile.  I was genuinely smiling when I closed the door.