Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Discovering and defining my bisexuality (Part 1 of 2): The aftermath of coming out

Hey guys (and girls??).  So here is the story of my unexpected journey towards finding out about my bisexuality.  But here's a quick recap before going into the thick of things:

- Since my teen years, I've always known that I was gay.
- I still fell in love with a few girls, but thought that I was just weird.
- Approaching my 30s, I decided that I had enough to be in the closet and decided to come out.
- I decided to accept that I was a gay guy, who happens to have some romantic interest in girls.
- I came out to my parents last October and it went pretty well.
- While coming out to my parents, it became less clear to me that I was gay.  Suddenly I didn't understand my romantic interest in girls.

 What can't a wink do ?

 Very attracted to sexy boy....

 ...but charmed by sexy lady??

So, at the moment I thought I had it all set, I simply became more confused!!  Before coming out to my parents, I thought that things would go very fast afterwards.  I thought that I would have told my brother the same night and my sister in the following days.  But it had become impossible, because I needed to be sure of what I would "announce" to my siblings and everyone else.

The next morning, my mom came to my house.  It was already scheduled long before, so I wondered before her arrival how things would unfold.  We didn't talk about the previous night until lunch when my mom decided to start it.  Without getting too much into the details (I don't remember much of what we said),  I remember that the most heartbreaking moment happened during that lunch.  She was talking about she understood that I was born like that (which she had said the evening before). But I realized that she deeply thought that she had made something wrong and that it was her fault. She was crying and I was shocked. I had totally not expected this and to see her like that broke my heart.  She said that maybe something wrong happened during pregnancy or during birth-giving.  I told her to stop that non-sense.  I was crying too.  I told her that it was nobody's fault and that bobody has to feel guilty about it.  Somehow I began to smile, trying to show her that I was fine.  (It was not a forced smile, it just came out very naturally.  I'm happy it did, it shows me that I had really accepted being "different").

My mother was still hoping that I was wrong about my sexuality.  At that moment I may or may not have made a mistake.  I told her about the doubts that had arised and about the girls that I fell in love with.  It's as if I had given her a life buoy to hang on to.  I told her to not dream in colors about it, that I knew that I was attracted to boys, but that I wanted to really understand who I was.  I explained that I wished to meet a psychologist counselor or a sex counselor to help me understand myself.  ( I want to be clear that I didn't want to do that to get cured or something like that.  It was really to get to know me better and to accept whatever I would find I was.)

I think it took more than a week before deciding to meet a counselor.  I don't know why.  While days were flying by, I became more and more uncomfortable with myself and with the situation I had put myself in.  When I couldn't handle it, I decided to meet a psychologist counselor.  (Sometimes I need to kick myself to get things going!)

I found one and got a meeting with her pretty rapidly.  However, things didn't go as expected.  As I was telling her my story and my doubts, she was having weird looks at me.  She didn't seem comfortable.  In the end I asked her what she thought... if she had already seen a "case" like me.  She told me no!!!  Hum Hello?!?!?  Is that supposed to make me feel better about myself??  I didn't take it too personal, but it really didn't help me.  She told me that she had a colleague who was a sex counselor and she asked me if I wanted to meet him.  I accepted and took his coordinates to contact him.  That's about the only positive thing I got from that meeting!!

Stay tuned for part 2 of this story.  In the meantime, every comment is welcome.  And if there are some girl readers here, I'd like to have your point of view!!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

A few songs I like

Hello everyone, today I want to do something a bit lighter.  So I decided to share a few songs that I like.  I will probably post more in the future.  I'm not a very big music fan, but when I like a song, I like it a lot (I can easily listen to the same song 10 times in a row).

Live  - Lightning crashes
That's the first song I couldn't get enough of hearing.  It made me buy my first CD!
When I listen to it, I feel all these raw emotions.  I don't know why, but I have always liked songs that made me feel pain or sadness.

Radiohead  -  Karma Police
I'm not quite sure I get the message in this song, but I like the music and the voice.

Fun  -  We are young
My favorite for a few months now!!  Not because of the youth theme! But because of the friendship, the support and the comraderie described in the song (that's what I get from the song).  I was repeatingly listening to this song when I began reading all those gay blogs that opened a new world to me.  I will always associate that song to those special moments.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Showing my true self for the first time

Driving to my parent's home: my feelings hidden behind disbelief, my soul trying to escape from my body, a greater and unknown force dictating my actions.

Hello everyone, today I will recall one of the toughest, weirdest day of my life.  Tha's the day I came out to my parents.  They were actually the first ones I told the "news".  From what I've read so far, it doesn't seem to be a popular choice.  Most people will come out to really good friends or siblings first.  How I interpret it is that they want to build a certain confidence or ease before telling their parents.  For me, it just didn't seem to be the way.  I can't say I'm really close to my parents.  We see each other regularly, at least once every 2 weeks.  But, I have never felt a great connection with them.  On one side, my mom wishes so much to be close to her kids, it can be suffocating.  She tries too much.  On the other side, there is my father, who doesn't seem to want a close relationship with his kids.  He's from a generation of men who have been raised to be tough and to learn that a father's role was to bring food on the table.  Bringing love is not what he was taught to do.

I feel bad writing this stuff about my parents... But this is objectively what I think...  But I have to tell it for you to understand what was going through my mind at the time. 

So even though I don't have the best relationship with my parents, I needed to tell them first.  I'm still not sure why.  A need is not always explainable.  I think that somehow, I owed them to be the first to know.  They raised me and gave me all they could for me to become a grown man.  They transmitted me some of their values and they also unknowingly helped me discover some values that they didn't have.  So they helped me build the man that I am today.  However, that man that I am, they did not truely know him.  That's probably why I needed them to know first.  So even if that was probably the toughest choice, I had to tell them before anyone else.  That was scary.

I suppose it is tough for everyone to find the moment to come out to their parents.  I actually did it the second time I had planned on doing it.  I had first planned on doing it on Thanksgiving night (early October in Canada).  Thanksgiving is not such a big deal in Canada, but it is still a holiday.  We don't celebrate it in our family (I actually don't know anyone who celebrates it, even if I was raised on a farm!!),  but I thought that I could go to my parents home after dinner and tell them.  But I didn't go.  I didn't feel it.  I had not repeated my scenario enough times in my head.  So I decided that the next friday night, I would go.  I had fixed the date, so I had 4 days to prepare myself.

Every night, I was repeating my scenario.  My scenario was actually just from the moment I entered their house to the moment I told them I was gay.  After that, I simply had no clue, but I only needed to have my setup ready.  I  wanted to focus on common wishes and hopes for myself.  To bring them on my side before telling them.  So I would talk that they want me to have a girlfriend and that they wished me to be happy.  Once in a while, my mom was telling me to try to get a girlfriend and etc, so I knew that it was a concern to them.

Every morning that came, I told myself: "I can't believe in x days, I'll be telling my parents".  Every day, I thought about how my parents would react.  I was a bit worried about my father's reaction.  At worst, I thought he would try to beat me or urge me to get out of his house.  At best, I didn't really know (or I don't remember...)  I wasn't really worried about my mother.  I knew that is she "disagreed", she would not be violent.  So I was preparing myself to be sure that if things went wrong, I would let them know that I understood that it can be difficult to hear, but that I would be patient if I needed to.

Since I had not set the date with my parents, I was not even sure that both of them would be there.  My mom would probably, but my father could have been elsewhere.  Somehow I didn't think of what I would do if that happened.  I didn't want to set the date with them, because I knew that they would have been worried.  It was important for me to tell them both at the same time, because I didn't want my mom to keep the secret to my father once she knew and I didn't want her to tell him in my place.  So I don't know what I would have done. Happily, they were both there, but I'll come back to it later.

So the week went pretty well, until the friday afternoon.  My nerves got me that afternoon.  I was at work and I was feeling very bad.  And I was looking bad too.  One of my colleague noticed it and I told her that I knew how I looked and that at least I knew why, without telling her what was going on.  The work day ended and I returned to my home.

From that moment, it seemed like I was not controlling what I was doing.  I felt like a witness of my life.  What happened next was a bunch of events that happened one right after the other, without any break.

I made a dinner.
I ate it
I brushed my teeth
I changed clothes
I prepared to leave
I got out of the house
I entered in my car
I sat in my car
I left my driveway
I did the 10 minutes ride to the village my parents live in
I turned on the road my parents live ( a road I've taken so many times, but this time was so different)
I arrived at the last curve before my parents house
I turned in my parents driveway.
I got out of my car
I entered in my parent's house.

I precisely remember all of these events even if I didn't even feel in my own body.  Something else was driving my actions.  But doing all of the above actions, there was always a common thought: "I can't believe I'm doing this."

Once I was inside the house, I saw that both my parents were there.  They both came to see me from where they were.  They realized that something unusual was happening.  I don't know what I looked like, but I was not looking good, that's for sure.  I had a lot of difficulty to contain my emotions and I was on the verge of crying (I had hoped that I would not cry and stay strong, but that was not meant to be).  My mom very rapidly asked me if something was wrong.  I don't remember what I said.  She asked me if I had a problem at work.  I said no.  She asked me if I was sick. I said no.  I told her to sit down and we all sat down.  My father had a worried look that I had rarely seen him wear.  My memories are a bit blurred, probably because of all the emotions and thoughts that were going through my head, so I'll try to recall the events the best that I can.  From that moment, I don't remember if I was looking at them or if I was looking to the floor.  So I began talking, trying to tell them what I had repeated all week long.  I was probably already crying.

Me: I know that you're worried that I don't have a girlfriend.
Dad: No ( I suspect that that was a lie!)
Me: I know that you want me to be happy and have a beautiful life with a family.....  That's also what I have always wished for myself......  But,..... it won't be possible the way we all wish it.....  because............ I'm homosexual.

I think that I looked at my mom, and she was kinda surprised.  I think it was simply sinking in.  I looked at my father and he looked pretty OK about it. He said: "We're seeing more of it these days."  That was a pretty reassuring thing.  I took it as if he thought that it would not be too tough for me, because it is more socially accepted then before.  It was also easier for him to accept it because he had been exposed to homosexuality, even if he probably didn't know any gay up to that day.

Than my mother began to ask the classic questions: Since when do you know? Do you have a boyfriend? Have you ever had a boyfriend?  How do you know? Are you sure??

To this last question, I told her that I was sure. As I told her, I thought that I wasn't sure anymore!!  I wondered again why am I gay if I did fall in love with some girls??  What's going on with me?  But I didn't want to tell them because I didn't want to make things too complicated and I didn't want to give them false hopes.  So I promised myself to think about it the next day.

My mother was trying to convince me that maybe I was not gay or maybe that I was bisexual (and that I would hopefully chose the girls!)  I was telling her that no, I know how I feel and I feel how I feel and I can't change it.  She then asked my father, who had been pretty quiet (as usual); "And you, what do you think about that??"  He replied: "Well, if it's like that it's like that".  I was so relieved.  I couldn't believe what I was hearing.  That was so unexpected.  My father was testifying that he was OK with me and my homosexuality.  It meant a few things:
- He was not homophobic
- He knew that a dick doesn't lie, contrary to my mother (that's understandable, she doesn't have one!)
- He knew that sexual orientation is not a choice and that it cannot be changed on demand.
- He accepted me.
I learned a lot about my father that night and I told him that I was really happy with what he was showing me (it is not in my habit to deeply thank my father, but that was a very special moment).

After that, we talked a bit again, there were some silences too.  I don't remember what we were talking about.  Than, I decided to leave and one of my parents asked if I wanted to have a boyfriend.  I said yes, eventually, but that I was not ready yet.  But for sure I wanted one because I don't want to stay single.  And than my father made me laugh. He said: "How are you going to find a boyfriend, it's not written on the forehead [that a guy is gay]!?!"  I laughed and replied:  " I know!! But I don't know yet how I'll find one, I'll see when I'll be there."

So I was approaching the door and as I was going to leave, my father said: "When you arrived, we thought that something much worst was happening, we though that you were sick... but it's just that."   That made me just so happy, I again thanked him a lot for his attitude.  I told them goodbye and I got out of the house.  I sat in my car and took a deep breath.  Then I left.  It was around 8PM and I didn't know what to do.  I decided to go see my best friends, whom I will call Jack and Janice (they're a couple).  I spent the evening with them as if nothing happened and then I went back home.

You have maybe noticed that there was no obvious "love-sharing" moments with my parents.  They didn't tell me that they loved me whatsoever, they didn't hug me or kiss me.  That's very typical of my family.  When it gets to deep emotions, we don't really know how to react.  But the way they reacted, mostly my father, that just made it for me. I couldn't ask for anything better:  my parents didn't dislike my true self.

Please never hesitate to comment or ask any question!!

Friday, June 15, 2012

A good time to be gay!

I was reading a few articles on homosexuality tonight and it hit me: we have access to so many informations with the internet.  I was reading stuff on what would Jesus do if he met gays today, how good gay parents are, how homophobes are probably hiding some homosexual desires....  We're exposed to so many vues, ideas, reflections, facts about homosexuality.  In consequence, it makes it easier for gays to get to know themselves and the world they live in. 

A few decades ago, I don't really imagine how hard it was for a young guy to discover that he was gay.  Many of those young gay guys probably thought they were alone, an abnormality of nature.  Now, we are so exposed to the gay thing that it should at least make it less difficult for a guy to understand his difference.

Another positive aspect is that the people around us also have more knowledge and hopefully comprehension towards homosexuality.  So that also makes it less difficult for a gay guy to talk about his homosexuality .  Here in Canada and in many other countries, it's much less frightening to come out than in a country where homosexuality is punished. 

I feel so lucky to live in this time (and space).  Of course, many have battled before me and I admit that I don't know a lot about the "gay revolutions" of the past.  But for sure, they have helped shape a world where homosexuality is more and more accepted.  I hope that it won't be too long to be gay and safe in every country of the world.

Of course, there are still a lot of prejudices about homosexuality, but I'll try my best to do my part to destroy them.  An example that I have seen is that even though many people are OK with gays, they still try to show that they are not gay.  It's like: " I have no problem with my gay friends, but I AM NOT gay."  As if they would burn if they, themselves, were gay or did something supposedly gay (and of course disgusting).  Some kind of "not-in-my-yard" syndrome.  So, when I'll be completely out, that's definitely something I'll try to sensitize people about.

I feel very optimistic tonight so I tought I would share.  I really think we're living in a good time to be gay.

PS.  I centered this post on the gay guy experience, but of course I don't want to exclude lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders...  It was just easier for me to focus on something related to my own experiences.

Monday, June 11, 2012

My life before coming out Part 2 of 2: Why I decided to come out and hopefully get some

I want to wrap my body around another guy's body.  And I want another guy's body wrapped around mine. 

Since I was 20, I have kinda always been afraid of turning 30 years old.  In a way, I thought that the foundations of my (happy) life would be built during that decade.  As I was approaching the milestone, I was still single and nowhere near from having kids (yes I wish I will have kids, I honestly think I would be a good father).  And I'm not even talking about sex!! So it freaked me out a bit.  Last year, when I turned 29, it was like: "OK, there's only one year left to make things happen".  But 2 problems stood in the way: I was still in the closet and most importantly, I didn't take any action to change things.  So, a few months flew by, without any change in my life.  But I was still worried for my future.

Then a new (single) girl arrived at work. I thought she was my type of girl (I know which girl I would be into if I was not gay.  Am I the only one like that??).  But my colleagues started saying that we would be a good fit etc...  One of them was really rushing me to try my luck with the girl.  I thought that it may be a sign that there was hope on the lady side.  But I was still not hitting on her, because the more I knew her, the more I realized that it wouldn't work between us.  One day I was hit by an ultimatum by my rushing colleague: I was asking her out or she told her that I had a crush on her.  I was so mad at her, but I couldn't tell her why.  That's the kind of situation that I had always succeeded in escaping up to that moment.  So if I wanted to still have a bit of control over the situation, I couldn't let her tell that I had a crush on her. So I decided to ask her out and she accepted.  We were going to go to an exhibit together, but my plan was to absolutely not hit on her.  So the next saturday, I picked her at her parents' house and we went to the exhibit.  The day went quite well, better than what I thought.  But that was not enough for me to renew my interest in her.  So I was kind, but not hitting on her, as planned.  She was not hitting on me neither (from my perspective).  We came back from the exhibit, we went dinner and after that I brought her back to her parents' house.  So that's how my first ever date went !! Wou-hou!! How romantic!!  There was no sign after all and I was still at the same point in my life.  At least, I think I managed to not become a jerk as I suppose that for her, things didn't seem to be clicking between us.  We didn't talk about it afterwards and it seemed clear between us that things would not go further.  She eventually quit the job, so that stopped everyone else from trying to match us together.

September came and I was now 6 months from turning 30.  It hit me more than when I turned 29.  A lot more.  After the experience with the girl at work, I was just more certain than ever that I was gay.  However, I was not accepting it and  I was not feeling good with myself.

I analyzed the situation and saw that  I had 3 possible paths to follow.
1- the status quo: I stay in the closet and don't have any relationship until I die. ( I have never wished to have a secret relationship. I think that it would be just too much to handle for me)
2- the straight life:  lies, lies and lies.  I could become the jerk I have never wanted to be and possibly hurt one or more girl who didn't deserve it at all.
3- the gay life:  come out and find the true happiness that the other options could not offer me.

So the happiness was with option 3. But option 3 had a cost. A big cost.  Option 1 was a no-go from the beginning: it was the situation I was trying to escape from. There was no way I wanted to continue that way.  Option 2 was the more "socially acceptable" option.  It could lead me to the life I had always envisionned for myself and that everyone expects from everyone.  But this option had also a cost: keeping the secret.  I also thought that even if it could lead me to the kind of life that I had dreamed of, I would not be truely happy, because of the secret.

I had to decide between: 

happiness + possible hard coming outs
life that I (and the society) had dreamt of + secret + unhappiness?

Once that I had put it this way, the choices got trimmed a bit to the essential:

( the dreamt life was kinda hard to remove though)

I can say that I am a goal-driven person.  Wasn't all this questionning and worriness in order to fulfill a pursuit of happiness??  It became pretty clear to me that I had to chose the gay life, whatever (hard?) steps I had to do.  But I had already made the first step in chosing the right option, so that made me feel better.  I still had a long way to go before getting to my objective.  I still had to come out. As I said, I have never wanted to have a secret relationship.  So I needed to come out before trying to get into a relationship.  But before coming out and expect my people to accept me, there was still one last thing that I needed to do. In my opinion, it is an essential thing.  I had to accept myself the way I am.  The analysis, the steps already mentionned... They're nothing if my emotions don't jump in the same train.  I would still not be happy even if I come out but I don't accept who I am. 

Reflecting back on it tonight, I am surprised at how I easily accepted myself.  I don't really remember how it happened.  It just happened.  I guess I was ready.  If I knew all the gay blogs I know now, I suppose that things would have gone faster.  But I'm still proud of what I have accomplished by myself.  I didn't specify it, but up to that point, I had talked about my secret to absolutely nobody.

Once I had accepted myself, I even realized that my dreamt life was still possible, but with a little masculine variant!!  That was a good news! 

So I was feeling a lot better about myself.  I was ready to come out.  Actually, I needed to come out!  The actions that were lacking only a few months before were going to happen.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

My life before coming out Part 1 of 2: Why I stayed in the closet and didn't get some

Two eye candies for my second post.  Let's not expect this to be a trend!

Hello everyone, I'm very happy with the feedback and the traffic on my blog so far. So, now I need to do my job and post more!! 

There is no pivotal moment in my life when I realized I was gay.  I don't even remember when that happened.  I think the furthest memory of a gay behavior was when I was looking at my mother's catalogues and had a particular interest for the men's underwear pages...  I guess I was around 10.  I didn't make a big deal out of it, even though I knew that I didn't have that interest for the women's underwear pages and that those were the pages the other boys my age were probably looking at.

In high school, I was probably 14-15 years old when I began looking at the boys.  Then again, no big deal.  I didn't feel the social pressure to have a girlfriend.  There was the occasional hints from family members or friends at school, but I always shied away pretty easily from it.  The thing is that I've always been prude and shy.  I've never been the one to put my emotions on the table for everyone to see.  I'm pretty sure that I have not become prude because I knew I was gay.  They're both independant facts from each other but happened to be quite compatible when mixed together.  On the other hand, no girl has ever seemed to be interested in me.  If there were, I'm sorry if I acted inappropriately, I just didn't notice.  It's not that I was not an interesting boy, but as I have realized over the years, attitude is probably much more important than the good looks when it comes to seduction.  And I didn't have the attitude... because I didn't have the interest.

I also somehow didn't want to explore my sexuality.  I didn't want to do stuff that I was not assuming. That's the first reason why I'm still a virgin to this day (yeah I now that's a long time!!).  So I kept fantasizing and with the arrival of internet at the end of high school (around 1998), I began to look at pictures and then gay movies.    The other reason why I'm still virgin is that I didn't run after girls.  I was consciously or not trying to avoid being in an intimate situation with a girl, because I was afraid that my little buddy wouldn't wake up and that it would be the beginning of a nightmare.  I could have tried, and I could have succeeded. But deep inside, I knew one thing: I didn't want to be be a jerk who uses a girl and lied to her because he doesn't accept his homosexuality.  (That's how I felt and still feel today for myself.  It doesn't mean that I think that the guys who do that are jerks.  Everyone has their motives and lives with the consequences of their acts and I am not here to judge them)

Then came university and a surprise.  I fell in love with a girl.  She was actually a long-time friend who was not attending my university, but I developped some love feelings for her.  I was confused but once again, no big deal.  After a couple of days (or weeks??) the feelings were still there.  So I decided to give her a shot and to see where it would lead me.  Actually I think I had decided to completely ignore the sexual part of a possible relation with this girl (and ignoring the jerk thing).  I needed to try.  Not because I wanted to test my "straightness", but because my feelings were so strong, I couldn't keep them for myself.  So I went to see her and asked her if she wanted to be my girlfirend.  She politely declined my invitation !! She was flattered, but had no love interest for me so that was the end of it... and I didn't have to face my homosexuality.

A year later, I fell in love with a girl from my university.  It's weird because looking back at it, not so much seemed to unite us.  I was the somewhat serious guy with good grades and that didn't attract girls.  She was more of a party girl who had more difficulty at school and a lot of boys were attracted to her.  But, against all odds, we became friends.  Actually when I was friend with her (we're not anymore, because she quit university and I continued.  But I wish I could reconnect with her), I realized how weird our friendship could seem to be, but at the same time, I thought that we were alike in many ways.  We had a similar family background and I think we understood each other pretty well.

So as I said, I eventually fell in love with her.  One night, she was at my apartment before going to a party.  She asked me: "So, is there a girl in our class who may interest you?"  I freezed!  That was so unexpected. I was totally not ready to tell her the feelings I had for her.  So I said no.  I'll never know what would have happened if I had told her the truth. She was single at the time and I wonder if I could have had a shot with her.  Not so long after that, we were at another party (yes, I was attending most parties even if I was labelled as one of the studious guys (actually I was not that studious, I just had good grades without really studying a lot)).  I saw her kiss another guy.  Oh did I wish to be in this guys' shoes.  She eventually began a relationship with that guy, so I accepted it and slowly my love feelings disappeared.  A year after that she was single again and for one night she needed a place to stay and I invited her in my apartment.  We actually slept in the same bed.  I didn't try anything... we just slept.

So I have fallen in love with 2 girls in my life and had some small crushes on a few others, but I was always sexually attracted to guys.  I have actually never had the same feelings for any guy so far.  So I ended up thinking that I was a gay guy who, weirdly enough, happens to sometimes fall in love with girls.  I had not thought that this could mean I was bisexual.  I thought that a bisexual was a person who was sexually attracted to both genders.  That was not my case, so I thought that I was really weird and wondered if there were other gays like me, but without really trying to find the answers.

(In my first post I mentionned that I was technically bisexual, but the paragraph above is not meant to explain my bisexuality.  There is some more important stuff that will be explained in an upcoming post.  I really hope my story is not too confusing)

After university, there's not much to say.  I began the real life and I have a steady job.  But, nothing really important on the love or sex sides.  I slowly approached the 30's, with the questioning and doubts that come with it.  As you may guess, I was about to realize that I needed to come out.

Stay tuned for the rest of my story and don't hesitate to comment.  I love reading what you have to say.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

So I begin

I'm looking for something like this

Hello everyone,
My name is JF and, as the picture above indicates, I'm gay.  Well, if I want to be true to some definitions, I'm bisexual, but I'm really more attracted to guys than to girls.  So I will more than often describe myself as being gay.

So I decided to start this blog for a few reasons. First of all, I have begun to come out and reading the blogs of other gays or bisexual really helped me to feel good about myself.  So I thought that if I can add my own experience to the blogosphere, it could also help some people out.  The blogs that I read were mostly of people of less than 25 years-old or some older guys talking about their various gay experiences.  I'm 30 and I never had any gay experience so far.  So I think that my blog will be somewhat different and that my perceptions could be different than the other bloggers.  So if some guys are like me and think that they're alone, they'll see that there's at least one like them (I actually hope there's at least one like me!!)

The second reason is that I realized that there is a lot of support and comprehension among gay bloggers and blog readers.  I don't really know some gay people, so it is not something that I can discuss and share.  I have been told that it could help me if I could discuss gay stuff with other gays.  So I think that doing this blog is a good step.

The upcoming posts, I will be telling my story so far, but after that, I'll try to talk about many gay-related issues.  I'll of course share what's happening in my journey "Going forward".  I thought that this was my perfect blog name because when I decided to accept myself as gay(bisexual), and to come out, it was because I had enough of the status quo and that I needed to go forward.

Oh yeah, please forgive me if some of my sentences don't make any sense. English is my second language, my first being French.  I write to the best of my knowledge, but some weird stuff could happen!  I may even create this blog in french, to help my fellow frenchmates out!

So welcome to my blog and feel free to comment, I don't bite!