Tired

Hey! I have been either hurting from a backache or tired or just feeling off or ill this week.  So I'm just too tired to write a long post.  In the meantime, you can watch these vids that caught my attention this week.

The fight against homophobia

I have lots of things to say about that topic today.... 

The first is that I have noticed that people around me at work have been making less gay jokes since they know I'm gay.  There's only one guy who has continued.  I heard him a couple times last week.  I was about to go talk to him once but I had decided to wait a bit.  Last Saturday I was talking to Jack about it and I told him that I was going to tell the guy really soon that I wanted him to stop.  He commended the fact that I was standing up for who I am, but he still tried to explain to me that such talk has always been and blah blah....  I'm not a fool.  I know there is history behind that.  But I don't understand why he kinda wanted to minimize it... Anyways....

So last Monday I heard the guy again.  I went to see him a bit later and I told him that I don't like these kind of jokes because saying that someone is gay when he does a bad move when playing a game really doesn't make any sense.  The guy looked ashame and sorry and he told me he was sorry.  I reaffirmed that such statements just don,t make any sense and I didn't need to explain my thoughts more. I thought it was enough and I didn't want to be too hard on him.

This morning I got to tell Jack about it. He told me that the guy had talked about it to him.  He didn't tell me how, but he told me again that people have been used for a long time to say jokes like that.  And this time he went further by saying  that people use to call a guy gay when he does something weak because it chows some feminity or shit like that....  I don't even remember how I reacted to that.  I think I stayed calm and that I ended up leaving without letting him know that I thought it was really stupid what he had just said.

Another thing I wanted to talk about isthe fact that the government of Québec has launched a new campaign to fight homophobia.  The site is http://fighthomophobia.gouv.qc.ca/.  What I like the most is what I could call the "Homophobia for dummies" page: http://fighthomophobia.gouv.qc.ca/#./understanding.  I showed it to Jack last Sunday and he said it was really true and that I should post it on my facebook page.  I felt like I was not quite ready to do that, but I certainly will at some point.  The campaign has received its share of negative comments by people saying that the government shouldn't spend money on such a campaign.  However, nobody says a thing when there is a campaign to explain that people who deal with depression are not weak, they have a sickness...  That's really hypocrit...

Today, during lunch time, I went to see my facebook feed and I saw a message that made me laugh a lot.  It was published by a straight girl who I'm friends with on facebook.  Basically, the message said:

"If you're afraid that your children becomes homosexual because they see 2 guys kiss on TV, you should also be afraid that they become Pokemons, become a milk add or become one of (insert name of popular TV series writer)'s character.  So shut up!"

I thought it was a really good one (even if there is actually no reason at all to fear that someone becomes gay...) and I decided to share it on my own wall. Really the first reason was that I thought it was a good one.  I didn't see it as if I was coming out on facebook, since the girl who had posted it is not lesbian.  Still, I felt like it was a baby step for me in letting the world know I'm gay.  Finally, I thought it was a good think to share it since I do want to help fighting homophobia.

Tonight, my friend Jess commented on that post.  She said: "Wow, you surprise me!"  I wrote her in private to ask her what's the matter and she replied that she wouldn't have thought I would have dare post that on facebook.  So I explained to her what I wrote in the paragraph above.  Here's how the conversation continued:

Jess: Well, good luck! it,s just not bias against gays, itls about a different lifestyle.  You want to fight against a system that is well established and that has made its proofs, since forever!.

Me: Hmmmmmmmm....

Jess: ??

Me: Hmmmmmmm...

Jess: Are you eating? you keep saying hmmmmmmm

Me: I'm thinking

(I was actually shocked and disappointed and sad about what she had told me.  I was trying to find a way to say what I think without telling her shit)

Me: First, I didn't say that it was the fight of my life, far from that.

Me: Second, what you wrote me is quite depressing.

Jess: But you can't change the world

Me: I know, but your vision is way too depressing and pessimistic.

Me: And it's not true that the world doesn't change.  Everyone agrees that it's easier than eer to be gay now becausse it's more and more accepted.  Why couldn't it get even better??

Jess: I don't know, but why don't you just begin by living a "gay life" before.... I think you will be able to really know what are the battles you should pick...

Me: Hmmmmmmmmmm.....

I don't know if it's just me, but I thought what she told me was really insulting.  I stopped our conversation there because I didn't want to say stuff I would regret later.

After that I was really depressed thinking how my friends, who have accepted me from the moment I told them I was gay, don't realize that they have some form of homophobia in them (well, maybe homophobia is not the right word, but it's something similar to that) and that they don't realize it and that it hurts me when they express it.

Not so long after that, Jack sent me a message on MSN asking if I was there. I said I was.  He told me something was bugging him about me and that he wanted to talk about it.  I said that I was really not in a good mood.  I was sure it had something to do about my recent actions against homophobia.  I was already shaken enough, I didn't need more.  Yet, a minute later, I was too nervous and I told him I wanted to talk on the phone.  So I called him and he asked me why I was felling so bad.  I just couldn't tell him that I was shocked that he and Jess didn't understand me and that I feared they would be mad at me if I tried to make them understand how I really feel.  He seemed really worried about me and no sound could come out of my mouth.  He told me that I could talk to him.  I told him that I didn't know how to say what was happening.  He told me that what he had to tell me could wait, because it was not such a big deal. At least I was relieved to learn that.  The discussion stopped there, I don't remember how we ended it....

A few more things happened tonight , but I have to go sleep now.  I'll recall them later when the situation will have developped with Jess and Jack.

Not feeling good about myself....

Allright, I just had a weird thought and I can't believe it came to my mind.  I feel very stupid and ashamed of what I thought.

I considered if I wanted to share it or not.... because I feel like an asshole.  I decided to do it anyways, because  I guess something positive can come out of it.

So this morning I was quietly cactching up on some older posts over at "2 boys in love".  As usual, I had a good time reading their adventures.  However, I stumbled upon some posts where the subject was bullying, being beaten up and dealing with it.

I've never been bullied or intimated for any reason in my entire life.  That's actually quite surprising and I often wonder why nobody has ever been mean to me.  This being said, I have a lot of compassion for those who have been or are victims intimidation.

So, while reading the story this morning, I thought this: "I wish I have lived this".

Now how can someone mentally healthy have this kind of stupid thinking.  Who wants to have been beaten up??

I feel like I'm lacking a lot of respect to those who have lived it.  They surely wish they had not experienced it.

I try to convince myself that it is not to have been beaten up that I wish I had lived.  Maybe it's one or all of the following:

- To have become stronger because of it

- To have been loved and cared following the events

- To have found a way to deal with it when being faced to it afterwards

- That it would have given me tools for some possible future intimidation
- That it would allow me to understand what others have gone through
- That it would mean that I had come out at a much younger age and not have wasted so much time. (I'm pretty sure the odds of being beaten up for being gay are higher at 15 than 30).

But at the same time, it feels like I'm not "in the gang"... which I think is so stupid...  I can't relate to being intimidated, while I suppose most other gays can.  I feel like an outsider, maybe even an impostor, being all happy about life, while I didn't endure a fraction of what other people have lived.

I'm ashamed, because I so don't want to lack respect.... I have a lot of respect for people who have been bullied or beaten up.... but I did think that I wish it had happen to me too...

I'm really sorry...

UPDATE!! A few hours later.....
Thinking back alot about it since writing the post, I think that what I really felt, was that I wish I could understand.  I wish I could share and be able to be comforting if someone talks to me about his situation.  However, I can't. I can't help. I didn't live it.  It makes me sad not being able to understand....

Homophobic words getting unnoticed

Last Sunday I was at my parents' house before dinner.  My parents, my sister and her boyfriend as well as my brother were there.

During one of the discussions, my brother talks about an object that is weak, made cheap (I don't remember the object in question).  He finished by saying that the object in question is made fag (fif in french).  I look at him, not knowing how to react.  Then my sister replies: "Ah those fag things."  And it ends like that.  At this point I know that they don't want to hurt me or anything, but I don't know how to react.  It's the first time since I came out that a situation like that happens.  I don't want to do a scene, so I decide to delay my reaction.  I think about it a bit during the dinner, but it doesn't really affect me.  I just wonder what's going through everyone else's mind.

So on Tuesday, I sent a quick message to them on Facebook, saying:

Yo, it's not cool to use the word fag, even less to use it to describe something weak or cheap.  Have a good day!

Today, my sister replies:  "??"

So I detail how it happened.

Tonight, my brother calls me.  He says he wanted to call me yesterday but forgot.  He says he doesn't remember.  I recall the events again, but he says he doesn't remember.  He's clearly uncomfortable and he says he didn't mean to hurt me.  I tell him that I'm not mad or anything, but I just wanted them to know to pay attention to the words they use, because it's not OK to say what they have said. 

I have yet to hear again from my sister.

All I want to say (and all of you already know it I'm sure), is that even the well-intended can do something homophobic and the worst part of it is that they don't even realize it.  That's to prove how much homophobia is deeply instilled in our society...  Just a sad fact....