A year ending

With the year ending, I cannot help but reflect on all the things that I lived, experimented this year.  Even without it being the New Year's Eve, I was actually already trying to figure out a few things and am challenging some other things.

I guess the hardest thing for me this year, is to deal with other guys.  So far in my life, like you coulkd have read in my earlier entries, almost all that was happening to me depended on me, on my own decisions.  This certainly couldn't continue the same way while trying to meet guys and find a boyfriend.  Obviously, I now have to deal with other people's decisions, emotions and behaviors (all of which often baffle me).  And I suppose that it's just the beginning, because I have yet to be in a true relationship (I split up with Marky... more details to come).

Apart from that, I have lived many new things:  started profiles on dating sites, set my first date up, had my first date, my first kisses, I saw another man naked, I touched another guy, I had my first attempt at sex (which went wrong!!) , my first health fears, my first breakup, my first time that I really clicked with a guy, the first time that it backfired, the first time another guy slept with me in my bed and some other sexual firsts.

I had my first heartbreak ( with SL), even if I can't say that I was in love with him.  I had my first kisses in public, my first realization that I was still thinking about another guy (SL) when I was dating another guy... which led to me breaking up with that latter guy.

I have also had the most bizarre relationship with J.  After my 2 first dates with him, I thought we were meant for each other and I was on cloud 9.  However, things slowly changed and his interest in me was suddenly gone, without me knowing why.  Followed days and weeks of confusion.  He stopped talking to me for a while, then he finally accepted to talk to me again.  From there on, we went to being friends, to potential lovers again, to friends, to sleep buddies, to friends (I actually had my trip to Mexico with him)....  It is really a friendship that is not easy, because I have a feeling of unfinished business with him and I have to admit that there has been no day since I've known him that I haven't thought about him.  Yet, I don't even think that I could be happy with him.  But my heart can't forget him.  There are days where all is fine when I see him as a friend, but some other days, my heart still beats differently for him.

Some might say that it is an unhealthy relationship.  And I may agree.  In addition, he represents a few things that I don't like about the ''gay world''.  But we are still friends.  Even if he exasparates me sometimes, I see it as a learning experience.  He challenges my beliefs and my attitude regularly and I do think that it is a good thing, even if I'm hurt at times.

(Wow, I had not planned on talking so much about J, but he does occupy an important part in my life).

I went to my first gay bars, my first strippers club (males and female haha).  I saw my first drag queen shows.  I went dancing for the first time with another guy.  I had more new sexual experinces and I finally had sex without drama.

I also felt new things, beautiful or bad.  I felt things that I didn't even know I could feel and others that I didn't even know existed.

It was quite a year, yes if I look at this huge list.  However, I still seek for more obviously.  I feel like I'm really ready for a true loving relationship and that has not come in 2013.  It's obviously something I wish I will get in 2014.

I also wish to continue to open myself more, but to still respect my values.  I want to continue to challenge myself and to be challenged.  If there is one thing that I do not want, it is the status quo.  That's why I need to open up and challenge myself.  If I don't do that, I won't feel alive.  It's something that I've come to realize lately.  Hopefully I will feel very alive in 2014.

I hope you will all have a great year and see you soon :)

JF

Sweet kisses

I finally met a guy I love to kiss!!

I remember when I was kissing Flyman, that I didn't really feel anything. I do think that he was a poor kisser though.  Then, in a yet untold story that happened with MC, I had kissed a lot with him and he liked my kissing a lot, but I didn't quite enjoy it.  On a side note, I had my first PDA with that guy.  We had kissed in my driveway ( so maybe a few neighbours saw us) and then we had spent a day together at a public event and we had kissed in front of many people.  But, I didn't "feel it", right?

I was left with the impression that kissing was not my thing.

Either I changed over time, or I met a guy that was "compatible" with me, kissing-wise.

Let's talk a bit about Marky :)

He is, to date, only the second guy I have kissed on a first date, and the first that I was not reluctant to do so. ( the first one was J and he had worked hard to have that kiss from me hahaha!).

We had spent the afternoon together on our first date and we had decided to extend the date by having dinner, then go see a movie, then go have a beer! That's quite an extension!  On a side note, he had put his hand on my thigh during the movie and while I was driving him home after the beer and he had me excited!  So the end of the date was imminent, I was parked and he was about to leave.  Since I wanted to show him that I had liked him, I gently tapped his thigh.  Nothing more was needed and he leaned towards me and kissed me.  I didn't even think of avoiding it ( like I had done a few times with the previous guy I had dated, and that I never felt like kissing him) and I let him.  It was really a small kiss,  didn't last more than a second I guess, but I liked it.

On our second, I actually had him over for dinner.  We then " french kissed" for the first time and I really enjoyed it (finally!!).  He even told me that I was a really good kisser.  I was shocked,since I know how unexperienced I am, so I said: " Are you sure of that statement?" I know, that's a really unsexy thing to ask hahahaha.  And he said it was true,that he loved how gentle I was.  Well, I will take evrything that comes by !!

During the following dates, we continued kissing and it is an activity that got me more excited every time.  Last weekend, a funny happenning occured,when we were kissing in the kitchen and that had gotten us really excited and we were wearing some quite tight pants.  When we stopped kissing to go to the living room and watch a movie, marky said that it really showed how he was excited.  I looked at my own pants and said that it was the same for me!!

So, really, it is an activity that I do enjoy and that brings "feelings down there" ;)

It is also a great addition when comes some more "naughty time" but that shall be the object of a future post!!

Finally, I had more PDA with Marky!  We actually kissed while waiting for a train in the subway station and we were surrounded by many strangers.  But it felt so good!!  I was not even shy to do it!!

Weekend adventures - part 3

Last Tuesday : Ok I know it's not the weekend but nonetheles....  I had invited J over or dessert.  He actually never came at my place even if I went at his place numerous times.  At around  4PM when I was still at work, he called me saying we could go see a drag show that evening. ( we have been talking about doing this for a few weeks but it never worked out).  And... it didn't work out this that time neither.... he told me he was sick...

Friday: I had another date with Johnny.  During the week, he had told me that sometimes he thinks he talks too much, but I said it was ok for me because I know I'm not a huge talker.  Knowing that, I thought that maybe he had held back from talking more and that maybe my interest in him could come back.  I went at his place after dinner.  We talked some and we watched a movie, cuddling on the couch again.  But as we were watching the movie, I knew the interest wouldn't come.  After the movie he asked if I could massage his back, because it hus him a lot.  I accepted and we went on his bed to do so.  After the massage, I layed beside him and we just stayed there cuddling for a while.  it was getting quite late and I think he would have wanted me to stay there for he night.  But i just couldn't.  I said that I was leaving and he let me go.  We hugged again and this time he didn't try to kiss me.  On my drive back home, it was clear that I needed to let him know that i don't see him as more than a friend.

Saturday: J called me in the afternoon.  He wanted to have dinner and watch movies during the evening.  I said Ok.  We had a good time together going to the restaurant, at the restaurant, then coming back to his place.  Came movie time and he told me to go on a different couch then the one he was on.  As I try to stay cool and careful with everything that happens between us, I did as he asked.  After the movies, he said he was going to bed and this time he didn't invite me to stay, which saddened me a bit because I would have taken a bit of human warmth.

Sunday morning: I called Johnny.  I told him that I dn't see him as more than a friend and that I still think he was great qualities.  He said it was OK and that he saw it coming a bit ( it's true that I have been a tad cold with him). On his side, he told me that since I don't talk a lot, he didn't know if he could have interest in me yet, but was willing to be patient to learn more from me.  10 minutes after the call, he texted me that even if it's ok, the situation hurts him a bit. I texted him back that I'm really sorry.

So I'm back at square 1 and I'm definitely not happy about it.  I'm hating the dating sites more and more every day and I just want the day where I won't need to look for my man to arrive.

At least, as many would say, I'm having fun along the way and I have new experiences.... but I just want one man to love me and to love him back.

Weekend adventures - part 2

2 weekends ago

Friday: nothing happened and it was quite depressing... following my 4 consecutive nights of the previous weekend!

Saturday: I had been chatting with a guy for a few days and we agreed to meet up.  This guy, Johnny, likes to dance.  I told him it was not really my thing, but we agreed that we would go for a drink and then we would see.  This guy is from Montreal, so we met at a subway station in the gay village ( I'm beginning to go there often lol) When I saw him, it was the first time that I had a date with someone who "looks gay" .  So I was curious!  We went for a walk first and we chatted about dating and relationship stuff.  He said a lot of things that resonated with me.  I think he has good values and so it was a good start. I didn't care how he was dressed anymore!  We then went in a bar and had a beer.  Following that I agreed to go dancing!  It was actually really nice.  I had never danced in the company of only one person so I liked that much more than with many people I know, or worst, many people that I don't know!  Johnny loves to dance!!  He was really good at it and very energetic!!  I thought he was real cute and I was happy to be with him and dancing!  Leaving the bar, it was a bit cold outside so we walked side by side so I could heat him up since I had a vest and he didn't.  We chatted some more and I drove him back to his place.  He was funny as he was groping my arm ( which is absolutely not imoressive!!) We may have hugged as he got out but nothing more. On my way back home, I thought that I would definitely want to go out again with him.


One weekend ago

Friday:  Johnny and I had continued texting during the week and I had called him once too.  We had set a date for friday.  We went dinner in an indian restaurant.  It was really good, it was the first time for me.  After that, we went to the same bar as the first date. It was still early, so we couldn't dance yet.  At 11, there was a drag queen show so I saw my first drag queen show!!  It was interesting!  Of course, some were bad, but one was particularly funny and I really liked her. At one point I suggested to Johnny that we could go ance and he agreed.  We did and it was fun again.We didn't staty that long cause he had to work early next morning, so I drove him to his place again and this time we did hug for sure.

Saturday: I had a family dinner so I didn't schedule anything.  My brother, who is aware of all my new "activities" warned me to be sure not to set a date a week prior to that lol. Since I had forgotten about that dinner, it's a good thing he told me !!!

Sunday: I spent the afternoon with Johnny at various places in Montreal.  We went for a walk in a park and it kinda appeared clear suddenly that I didn't have that much interest in him.  Yeah I know... quite a bummer!!  I'm beginning to know what are the signs that I'm not interested in a guy and they began to come out during that walk.  Ater the walk, he prepared dinner for us and it was quite good!! After that we watched a movie together, cuddling on the couch.  He is a very delicate and respectful guy and I liked a lot how he acted with me.  But in my heart, I knew that the inevitable was coming ....  As I was leaving, he tried to kiss me but I was really reluctant.  I told him that I am a very shy kisser in the beginnings ( which is true) and he said it was ok.  Ater I left, it was not that late so I decided to do a quick visit to J.  I stayed for maybe 10 minutes and it was good seeing him again ( even if I'm troubled by him and me not being together).

Weekend adventures

I've been going out and dating more than usual this past month.  But I'm back to square 1 at the moment :(

3 weekends ago

Thursday: I had a date with a guy. We were supposed to have a beer in a bar, but instead we went to the ice cream shop.  After that, we went for a walk.  That guy didn't really interest me.  The next day I tell him that I'm not interest in pursuing.  He asks why did you tell me that we would see each other again? I replied that I was not sure yet so I prefered to not close the door too fast.  He seemed pissed at me, but I really don't think I was a jerk.  I kept the door open for more thinking and the next day I told him the truth.... I don't think I led him in false hopes.

Friday: I was chatting with a guy I went out once during the summer, we had gone rollerblading together then had dinner.  So I was chatting again with this guy and we decided that we would go out in Montreal.  So I was about to go to my first gay bar in Montreal haha. I had already gone to a few in San Diego and only to one lesbian bar in Montreal ( did I ever write about it??) So anyways we met in a parking lot and he drove us there.  So we went in a stripper bar hahaha.  It was nice.  Some were good ( one was particularly hot) and some were bad in my opinion.  We then went to another stripper bar!  This guy usually goes dancing, but since I had told him I didn't really like to dance we simply stayed in that bar.  All in all we had a good time, shared a few laughs.  We talked more on the ride to and from, since it was about 45 minutes.  He is a nice guy and sexy also, but he is not the most talkative and I am not neither, so it was not a whirlwind of words!!  I've had a few signs that he may be interested in me... but I'm just too slow to notice them as they happen and also I'm really to shy ( I have to change that!!!) to do a few moves :(.

Saturday: I met this nice but young (21) guy. We went dinner then to the movies.  When we were chatting before our date, it was a bit awkward at times as he asked me questions such as: will we get closer during the movie? will I be able to kiss you? do you confirm we really are going out together tonight?

I let these things aside and still went.  The guy was nice, but I really didn't feel anything special for him.  Once at the theater, one of his cousins arrived with her boyfriend and they sat beside us!!!! LOL I can't believe how stupid they are.  I didn't really care, but my date was probably so mad!!

The next days he wrote me if we would meet again and I said yes, since I was not ready to close the door on him.  But then time passed and I have not contacted him again so I feel bad about this one.  It was really not my intention to be that cheap :(

Sunday: I met up with J again.  I don't really remember what we did on that particular "meeting" ( not sure I can call it a date). But, in the evening, we were watching tv and got slightly close.  When bed time came he asked me to sleep in bed with him. I agreed and we simply slept cuddling together.  Once, he put his hand on my thigh sidde, at butt height!  I got aroused and it lasted at least 10 minutes.  He was ot moving his hand or nothing and he surely didnt realize what was going on.  But, talking to one of my chat room friends about that, he made me realize that if it lasted that long, it's because I have something not just physical for him.  The next morning, we watched tv in bed and then I left.  I was honestly not hoping for anything following that... I took it as a nice time sleeping cuddling.

To be continued....

Two stupid lonely souls

If our lives were a movie, we could see in the same shot : me on the right, on my sofa, wandering on various social networks.  On the left, you, in your bed, wandering on the same networks.  We both see each other online. On the screen, we look like a mirrored image of the other one.

We both are stupid.  You, for not realizing how good of a boyfriend I could be for you.  For looking for an easy "falling in love".  For not giving ourselves a chance.  For not telling me why you've rejected me like this.  For being still attached to your ex boyfriend who clearly doesn't want you anymore.

Me, for not being able to get out of my comfort zone.  For thinking too much into everything.  For being still attached to you even if you friend-zoned me ( Have I really become your straight friend??)  And for probably many more things you could tell me but that you don't dare telling me, cause you're so stupid...

In another scene, we could have a flashback of you being shocked by learning that your ex boyfriend has found a new boyfriend and that he is totally in love with him.  Then back to the present, we could see me shocked, pushing the phone away from my ears when you tell me how much you still love him.  Yes, it does affect me, even if I know that you don't want me. Why are you so stupid not to realize that it hurts me?  Why am I so stupid to still care about you? Everyone tells me I should forget you and move on.  Yet, I don't.

If we were not both so stupid, we wouldn't be a mirror of the other's lonely soul.  We would forget how stupid we both are, turn off the social networks, meet up, spend time together and maybe, just maybe it could lead somewhere.  But the thing is, we are still tied to imaginary barriers.

What a despairing movie that would make....

It feels so wrong. It feels so wrong. It's wrong. I feel sick.

I have kept in touch with J these last 2 weeks ( following my not sending the letter). We even met last Sunday.  I joined him in the evening and we went out for a bit before going back to his place.  I had no expectations at all. Correction: I hoped to get a bit closer to him, but kinda NSA. I didn't really want to have sex with him but I would have been happy to at least spend the night cuddling with him.  However I didn't want to start to have feelings for him, because I don't think he has any for me.

We were on the couch, I was watching tv and he was doing stuff on his laptop.  We were slowly getting closer.  When he said he was going to bed he invited me and I accepted.  We got into bed and prepared to sleep.  We cuddled and spooned at various moments of the night and following morning. it felt good.  

Around 10 we got up and I went back home.  He called me a a few times during the next days and I felt like I was managing things and my emotions pretty well.

Last night though, he posted a pic on Facebook of him and another guy, cuddling on his bed.

It did affect me.  I felt a bit of pain.  Not so intense, cause I am not in love with him.  But I do like him.  And I still had hopes that we were slowly going to be together.

But, what bothers me the most is that relationship feels so wrong to me. He had talked to me about this guy, I know who he is.  He had told me things about him, things that would prevent J to seek a relationship with that guy.  That's why it feels so wrong.  It's almost as if they are together only for sex. ( apparently sex with that guy is great).  Maybe J changed his mind too.  I have no idea.  The timing of the pic posting is also quite surprising, as it happened in a matter of days after J's ex-boyfriend went single again.  I wonder if he is playing a game on him, or why not on me?

So anyways, it feels wrong and it affected me last night.  I unfortunately took pills to sleep yesterday to make sure I could at least have a good sleep. When I woke up this morning one of the first things that popped on my mind is that famous pic. That's all I see or when I don't see him, I imagine them having sex and it's worst. I feel sick.

I feel empty and sick and I want to cuddle.  But I'm alone. Alone with these images in my head :(. At least I'm glad that I had stayed cautious with him, because it would hurt much more.  But then I'm thinking that maybe I was too cautious and that's the reason why he lost interest in me, if he ever had any....

Feeling lost, trapped.

Here is a translation of a letter I wrote to J, a guy I met at the end of June.  We've been on and off on various levels from friend to potential lovers.  I suppose someday I will tell you guys everything about him.  But in this letter you will still be able to have a an inside look at what has been going between us.

J,
Where to begin? I feel lost.I don't know which path to choose anymore.I have the feeling to be in a dead-end.I feel like my lack of sexual experience is a handicapand that plays a lot on my confidence and my ease with guys.

I've never wanted hookups with random guys.And this is not oing to change.I've always wanted some sort of connexionwold be established before starting to do more sexual stuff. As I think I have already told you, there are 4 guys with whom I have passed that step.You're the one with whom it happened the fastest. It was on our second date.  But you know, I was not really at ease because it was a bit too fast for me.  I'm pretty sure you thought I was lousy, so that's the reason. I was not ready to do more than what I did.  ( This being said, this letter is not meant to be an analysis of our relationship, just use references you know about to explain you ).

With the 4 guys I made that step however, you are the one with whom I went the less far.  With the others, it was more around the 3rd or 4th date.  I know it's not a much longer wait, but it seems like I'm like that.  And it was also more progressive.  During these 3rd or 4th dates, we didn't end up naked. It happened on the following date.  With you I ended up naked on that second date and even if I still felt good, was not comfortable enough to do more than what I did.

And now here is where things start going bad for me.  You see, if it is with you or with any other guy I coold possibly meet in the future, I'm sure that I lose lots of points for being that slow and uncomfortable. I wouldn't be surprise that it is a reason why S is seemingly not interested in me anymore after our first date.  I had told him before our date that I was not at ease speaking about sex because I had not a lot of experience.  During our date, I told him I had never had a boyfriend.  I think that it may be an accumulation of "odd" things that made him step back from me.

So you may understand thatmy self confidence is not very high.  I have the feeling that when i will be with another guy ( the odds of which seem very low at the moment) and that we will try to go further sexually, I will be so lousy that he will let me go as well, without giving me the chance to get learn and to get better.  I feel trapped.

My friend A was yelling me that metimes he was thinking of doing it with a guy to have that first time below his belt and not worry about that anymore. can understand, but as I wrote in the beginning, I don't want random sex, even if it would be to gain experience.But don't get me wrong.  I'm not waiting for the man of my life neither. The only time I was ready to do it with a guy and that the condom broke, knew in the bottom of my heart that I would never love this guy.But I was feeling comfortable enough with him to do it.

All this to say that I feel trapped. I need A to have B and I need B to have A.  And I possess none of them.

Oh yes, I was forgetting to other important points.

In addition to what I wrote above, also am very scared to get an STD, and that comes from even before the condom incident.  You could witness it on our second date, it does add a lot to my incomfort.

Also, I have the feeling that I miss or don't understand a lot of signals.I will go again with an exemple with you.  Last Saturday, when you were suddenly getting closer physically to me... I imagine that when you do this with other guys, you usually end up in bed with them.  But I was so confused about your intentions and feelings that I didn't know what to do.It's not as if I didn't want us to go further... There again my lack of experience was holding me back. And I was afraid to do something inappropriate. That I would do something and that you would push me back.The fear of reject keeps me from doing things.

I think I covered everything. You must think I'm so pathetic.But what I wrote, that's me, what I am. With my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears.

Why do I feel the need to tell all this to someone and that this someone is you? I ignore it.But one thing is sure, it's that it reflects my need to be true and honest and to hide nothing. I feel that need a lot since I have come out. But often, that huge load of authenticity scares people away, I experience it at times ( I experience it with you even). I hope that you will still appreciate me after all. I really do hope so.

JF

Confusion with mixed dating sites

As you probably all know, there are mixed (straight and gay) dating sites as well as "specialized" (for lack of a better term!!)

When I create a profile on a mixed site, I specify that I am a man seeking for another man.

So how am I suggested to talk to girls or straight guys?? And to make thing worst, sometimes it is nit even written what the suggested person is looking for.... so I end up not knowing if the guy is straight or gay....  As if life was not already not complicated enough lol!!!

I don't know... is it because these straight girls have mistakenly identified as men and that these straight guys have mistakenky specified they were seeking for men??  Or is it the dating site that really sucks at "classifying" their "customers!?!?

Oh well..... have a great week end!!

PS sorry for the lack of entries... I've been lazy but I promise I'll catch up.

My brother's successfull dating tip

Don't get wrong on the day and the guy's name!

Thanks bro :)


(apparently I see too many different guys!!)

Preparing for the 4th date with MC

We can now go back to my history with MC, and you will see why I meeded to talk about SL before continuing the story.

So if you remember, I had invited MC for dinner on a wednesday night and he had stayed again for the night.  We had planned our next date as follow: he would come at my place on Saturday evening after an event he had to attend.  He would sleep at my place and the next day we would take part together in a walk for sick kids.

I was thinking that things could go a little further that night.  So I went to the drugstore, to purchase massaging oil, lube and condoms.  I had flashes of posts by Matt and Brad about buying lube or about going to buy something for the first time.  It made me smile! I had actually already bought condoms before ( to test how to use them!) but it was easy to hise them along with other items.  This time I was only buying "sex items" , so I felt awkward!!  It went really well actually, but thank God I didn't meet anyone I know!!!

After that, I waited patiently at home.  During the evening he actually texted me to tell me that the event would last much longer than he had expected and that he would arrive late.

In the meantime, I got to chat with SL on skype again.  I don't really remember how it came to it, but he told me that he had been indeed hurt after the few dates we had together.  So far, it was no surprise for me, because he had already told me so.  But, he added that he was still hurt.  When I read these words, I felt hurt by it.  I didn't expect him to be hurt again and I was sad for him.  I also realized a few days later that maybe I had some kind of feelings for him and that is why it hurt me.  On the moment, I felt confused by it and I didn't know how I would deal with it.

Running after SL

I had seen SL 5 days out of the last 9.  I was missing him and I really needed to talk to him about our sexual compatibility.  However, I had noticed that he was much less enthousiastic in talking to me or meeting me.  We had talked about meeting the following weekend, but then he told me that he couldn't.  That weekend, at one point he was supposed to contact me and he didn't.  I was definitely mad at him.  I remember walking around in my house, on the verge of hitting or breaking something. I went into the chat room and got to talk to a few of my friends there and it helped me calm down.

I was thinking that he had dumped me before I would have finished dealing with him.  As if the grass was cut under my feet.  It ended up that he didn't want to stop evrything with me, but it seems like I am more demanding when comes time to respect arrangements than he is.  

During the next week, we chatted again on Skype, but he was still a bit distant.  I wanted to talk about my issues, but in person, not via another mean.  But he always rejected my offers.

It happened that High School guy contacted me that week.  He was available on Friday evening.  Even if It was not really over with SL, I decided to go, since it's just so complicated to have a date with High school guy.  We went to grab a dessert at a local restaurant and we had a good time.  Near the end, he said he was happy to have met me because he learned some interesting facts about me.  In opposition to what he remembered from me from high school, I looked more interesting.  So with that kind of comment I kinda understood that he was not so eager to meet me since he thought I was boring (I was a really quiet guy in high school).  I didn't make much of a big deal about it.

The next tuesday or wednesday, it had been more than 2 weeks I had not seen SL.  But he finally explained to me why he had been so distant.

I thought it was because he didn't like me. But , it was actually the opposite...  He explained that he was starting to have feelings for me.  But at the same time, the distance between us was hurting him too much.  He had experienced it with a previous boyfriend, and he said it hurt too much and he doesn't want to live that again.  I asked him why he accepted to meet me in the first place, cause I never hid my location from him.  He said that he wanted to give it a try, but he realized that he couldn't handle it.

I asked him when he realized that.  He said that it was during the week after our last date.  I said that I thought it was before that.  He asked why.  I said that the last Sunday morning when we were in bed together, that I had found him distant and that I had been actually close to telling him.  He said that he had not felt like that that morning and that it was ally after that that he realized it.

During the rest of the week, I kept repeating to him that I wanted to see him again so we could talk.  I still wanted to talk to him about the sex issues, cause I had the feeling that he was maybe not totally honest with me and with himself about it.  I was thinking (for more reasons than I have already mentionned on this blog) that he may not fully accept being gay.  So this is definitely a topic I wanted to address with him.

He agreed to come see me on friday evening.  He would arrive at around 5PM and leave around 11PM.  I told him he could stay for the night, that we could share the bed without doing anything naughty.  He kept repeating that he wanted to go back home the same evening.  He arrived as promised.  I had wanted to prepare dinner, but it was so hot that day, I had no intention to turn the oven on.  So we chatted a bit and we went to a restaurant.  As usual, we had a good time.  I even noticed a guy from the dating site at a table nearby.  He was real cute and had nice hairy legs :). I told SL about him, but I told him that I remembered his profile and that it said that he was not interested in anyone over 25. So I knew I was out of the loop!!

After that we went shopping for something to fix his AC. ( it was really needed on that hot weekend).  We had fun shopping together, even if I usually hate shopping.  After that we went back home and went rollerblading.  I really had a good time and I felt good with him.  After the run, we were back home and chilled there a bit before he said he would leave.  I again offered him to stay for the night, but he was determined to leave.  I really wanted to cuddle him or get closer to him, but I didn't since I knew he didn't want that.  He wanted us to stay friends, so anything more than a friendship move would not be a good idea if I didn't want to hurt him.

I ended up not talking to him about sex, because we were such in a good mood, I didn't want to ruin it.  Also, since we were not dating anymore, I didn't feel like it was so important to talk about it so rapidly.  I decided that I would wait for a good moment for it to happen.

It is the next day that I met MC on the dating site and actually met him that night.  The day after that he came at my place.  I had 2 different guys visit me in 3 days, I really wonder if my neighbours think I'm a whore LOL.

What happened to be my last date with SL

On Thursday evening, when I was chatting with SL, I told him: "You fool, you forgot your toothbrush here!!!"  He replied: "Oh no, it's a spare one I figured I could let it at your place!"  How nice was that LOL

We set up our next date for Saturday evening and Sunday. I was to go at his place (was my turn to do the road)  I arrived there around 6 I think.  We went for dinner in a Subway and we just basically had fun the whole time.  After that we went to the video store and we rented a horror movie.  Back at his place we watched the movie, but he didn't want to cuddle because he says he doesn't like to cuddle during a horror movie!! Oh well!!  After the movie, we went to bed and got intimate again hehe. 

I forgot to say in th eoprevious post:  He doesn't like being caressed a lot, especially where there is hair involved ( his chest, lower belly and armpits)  Me?? I just love to caress, especially where there is hair involved...  So it was a bit of a fight for him to let me caress him.  I also like nipple play but he doesn't... so I was a bit sad about that.  Anyways, I tried again that night and he had not changed his position about that.  We again did some jacking off, but like with Flyman, I couldn't hold it, so I was really disappointed again...  Actually he put some lube on my "apparatus" and it is actually not something that gets me more excited, so I guess I knew right away that it could be problematic so it didn't help at all!!  (Am I the only one who doesn't like that??)

Next morning, I woke up early again and tried to cuddle him.  However, he was much less responsive than usual.  I did try a few times without success.  Just holding him... but it didn't work.  I was really disappointed.  I was even more disappointed when he got up and went to take his shower.  I was laying there in his bed, wondering what was happening.  When he came back, I was about to ask him why he was so distant. But, he did cuddle up with me, so I thought that he just needed a shower.  We actually started jerking each other off again and this time I "managed" to blow.  LOL my body is tough with me!!

After that I took a shower and we spent some time at his place before going for lunch.  We had a great time again.  After that, we went rollerblading together and it was super fun again.  Well, for me at least, because he is so much better than I am, so he had to go much slower than he is used to because of me.  It lasted at between 30 minutes and an hour.  As it was my first time in 2 years I had made that sport, my old back was hurt for the next 3 days!!  We then went for an ice cream and again, it was super pleasant.  I had to leave around 3PM because I had dinner at my parents.  I really really enjoyed my day and I was looking for more of SL during the next days and he showed a lot of enthousiasm as well.

However, he mentionned something for the first time during that date and it got me by surprise.  So much (and because it is a delicate topic) , that I couldn't talk to him about it right away. I had to take time to think about it.  I won't enter in the details, but he told me that he doesn't like any kind of anal sex.  Since I do not see why I wouldn't want that as a part of my sex life (even if I can almost say Im a virgin, so I don't know if I like it or not), it could have become a bit problematic.  So, I felt that I needed to talk about that to him as soon as possible, in person.

My first night at SL's and how his toothbrush found its way in my bathroom

Before going further in my story with MC, I have to finish the story with SL. 

To sum up what I have already written about him (gee my blog is getting so unchronological, even I had a hard time to re-do the chronolgy of what I wrote about him) ; here is a small recap:

Saturday morning: I start chatting with him on dating site

Saturday evening: we have dinner and go see a movie

Sunday morning: we chat again

Sunday evening: he comes at my house and we chat a long time.  He leaves and I wonder if I made enough to make him like me.  While on the road, he texts me and I know he is still interested.

Monday evening: I go at his place and intend to sleep there.

Monday night: still to cover (in this post!!)

Wednesday evening and night: still to cover (in this post)

Thursday morning: he leaves his toothbrush at my place.

Following 2 weeks: still to cover (in next post)

The Tuesday after that: realization that it won't work with him (the post "Sometimes)

OK, so since it was a while back, unfortunately I may forget a few interesting parts,but you will get the picture!.

My first night at SL's

I had arrived there quite late, between 9 and 10.  We watched a bit of a hockey game.  After that we watched a stupid TV show and we were watching it laying cuddling one behind the other on his couch. It was actually the first time we had got closer so it was real nice.  When we got to bed, we were kinda exploring each other's upper buddy (we didn't go down the waist) and it was nice as well.  I don't think we kissed. I told him that I was shy to kiss and he said it was the same for him.  It had been a few months since I had cuddled like that and it was nice to do it again.  Needless to say I didn't sleep a lot that night!  His bed was not super comfortable, I was sleeping at a new place, beside a super hot guy, so no, I couldn't find sleep LOL.

The next morning, we were both awake before the alarm clock rang, so he took that opportunity to caress each other again.  I think he onced put his hand on my package very quickly, but I didn't do the same!  When the alarm rang, I couldn't get up immediately because I didn't want him to see how excited I was hahahah.  But it turns out that he never stopped caressing me so it never got any smaller....  at one point I really had to get up so I try to hide it but I'm pretty sure he saw it anyways.  I prepared to leave and I think we simply hugged when I left.  I had 1h15 of road to do before arriving home , shower and have breakfast and then go to work, but it was all worth it.

The toothbrush

I dont remember if it was Tuesday evening or early wednesday evening that SL told me he would come see me again.  He was saying that since I had done all that road on a weeknight for him, he should do the same.  And lucky him he started work around 11 the next morning so he had a nice buffer.

I dont remember much from that evening.  We watched again the same stupid shows while cuddling.  Then we went to bed.  This time, he started exploring a bit further down on me.  Politeness obliges, I did the same :)  At one point, I was having his "apparatus" in my hand and it seemed odd to me.  I asked: "Are you cut?" He said yes.  It was the first time I was touching that LOL (Not that I have touched many... I guess only 2: mine and Flyman's prior to that and we are but uncut).  We didn't really do much more than touching and caressing that night.  We then agreed to sleep, but I didn't sleep a lot that time either!

Next morning, we were both awake early and we continued out play from the night before...  I'm blushing for what I'm going to write next, but anyways....  We were wanking each other out and I made him blow.  First time that this happened to me.  I had not succeded doing that with Flyman.  I have to admit I was really happy about it!  Unforatunately once that done, he lost interest in continuing for my own pleasure, so it ended there.  I took my shower and when I came out of the bathroom, he only wanted to brush his teeth and pee before leaving. So I let him do his stuff and then he left.

Its only when I was brushing my teeth later that morning that I spotted his toothbrush in my toothbrush holder.  I couldn't help but smile and think that things were getting interesting!!

I didn't focus on this in this post, but during these dates, we continued having a great time together and getting along very well.  We shared a common sense of humor and I definitely felt closer to him averytime we would meet or chat.

Third date with MC

I decided to invite MC for dinner on wednesday night.  I didn't have much time to prepare food, so I went to the grocery store to buy dessert and wine and back home, I prepared hamburger and a salad.  When he arrived I was still preparing food, so we started chatting in the kitchen.  It was kinda funny because we had not kissed or touch each other yet.  After a small while, he grabbed me and we started making out.  It was already dark outside, so anybody who could have walked in the streets could have seen us, but I didn't care! ( I actually don't know if someone saw us) I had forgotten to buy ketchup, so as it is the only condiment I put in my hamburgers, it was kinda necessary! So we went together at the grocery store to buy it.  Back home, we started eating and it was really nice.  We still don't always something to talk about ( we are both not the most extrovert guys). But I took these moments to just look at him :)

After the meal, we went in the living room to watch a movie.  I had been at Jack's before going to the grocery store to borrow him a few movies.  I told him that I had invited a guy over and that I had planned to watch a movie during the evening.  sadly he didn't really ask any question.  I was eager to tell him more, but I guess it will be for another time.

We watched the movie laying side by side on the couch, and I have to admit that we missed a few parts of the movie LOL.  After the movie ended, we made out again for a long time on the couch.  Then, when we decided to go to bed ( way past 11) , he went to take a shower and I waited for him in my bed. When he came back, he joined me in bed and , guess what, we cuddled and kissed more.  

He actually initiated a bit of " dirty stuff" when he removed my dick from my boxers.  There is no need for me to elaborate a lot but we played there as well LOL.  At one point he asked me if i wanted to do it, but I said no, as I was not "there".  He was totally OK with that.  It was 2AM when we decided to call it a night, as I had set the alarm clock for 6AM the next morning.

Next mornning, when the alarm rang, we kissed and cuddled more haha and also played a bit down there!  Aftr 30 minutes I had to go take my shower so I left him again.  When I came back he had done the bed again.  I quickly had breakfast while he took a shower.  We were both ready to leave at the same time.  We kissed again in the stairs ( but this time I was clothed, so it was less sensual haha) and went outside together.  We kissed again in my driveway, and it was my first PDA ever!  I actually don't know if my neighbours saw me, but I have to admit it felt weird!

Oh!!

After the movie the night before, he had told me twice that he loved me.  Back outside on thursday morning, he said it again.  As I didn't really how to react ( and because I don't have the same feelings for him! ) I simply kissed him.  I thought that it was really early to say such a thing, but I didn't got bothered or anything, I just hope that he understands that I am not that fast to have these feelings.

Second date with MC

The day after our first date was a Sunday and he was working and I had a dinner at my parents.  Once back home at around 8 PM, I started exchanging messages with MC again and he was saying he wanted to come see me.  I told whim that I was not feeling so well, because I had allergies or a cold ( not sure what has been hitting me lately).  he said he didn't mind and that it would be worth it. So I said that he could do as he wished, so he came over.

Once he arrived, we talked for a while on the couch.  Then, I started throwing a pillow at him and after the 3rd time , I think, he jumped over me to tickle me.  I am so ticklish!!  I was now laying on my back and he was above me.  It was a fight as to who would tickle the other the most.

At a certain point we both surrendered and we were laying either side by side or one on top of the other.  He wanted to kiss me but I told him I was still too shy.  At a moment when I was on top of him, I was so close to his face.  I thought that his mouth and lips were just stunningly beautiful.  So I started sliding my finger on or right beside his lips.  It was hot hahah!  After a few minutes, I wanted to kiss him, so I slowly did it. One, two, than more soft kisses.  We both smiled and we kissed and made out a lot.  If you guys remember, I didn't really like kissing Flyman.  I think he was not sensual enough.  But with MC it's just perfect!!  He also kissed me at various places above the shoulders and I didn't know that I would like being kissed that much, I had shivers!  Especially in the head, through the hair hahah WEIRD,  lol!

At a moment when we were simply cuddling he told me: "Where were you hidden all that time?"  Isn't that adorable!?

When it had become late, I told him he had 3 options: go back to his parents ( I told him I was sure he had a curfew haha he didn't like that lol) ; sleep on the couch; or sleep with me, but I specified " no dirty stuff". He asked if kissing was considered dirty and I said no haha.  So he chose that option!

W went to bed and cuddled and kissed some more.  Than we agreed to sleep and we tried sleeping next to each other, but I am just not capable to deal with so much heat when I want to sleep.  So I had to get a bt away from him and I told him it was simply too hot for me.

The next morning, when the alarm rang, we kissed and cuddled some more ( oh and of course, we both didn't sleep a lot, since I was always coughing from my cold and needing to evacuate the stuff from my nose quite often). At one point I just had to get up and have my shower.  I did so and when I came back, he was already clothed and he had done the bed ( so nice!). I was simply in boxer briefs and as he was leaving, we were standing in the stairs and we started kissing again.  His hands were running beside me and on my bum , it felt so good ( and right!). I had never felt like that before.

3 dudes, a car and a date

I will come back soon on the story with SL, but since there is new stuff happening, I don't want to delay it too much, like I have a bad habit to do!

I exchanged messages with 3 different guys on Friday and Saturday.  (I am sadly the one who initiated them all... maybe my profile doesn't show the best of me!?!?)  The first one was nice, but he would not really initiate anything, he was imply replying to my messages.  Saturday morning I wrote that we should have a drink together sometimes.  He answered that it could happen in the future.  Dude, where is your enthousiasm??  So I decided to let him breathe a bit and I went looking for other guys. 

I saw another one who seems quite interesting. On his profile he described himself and what he likes and he also described the kind of guy he wants.  It turns out that I like the kind of perosn he is and I thought I answered all of his "criterias" but one.  The one I lacked is the one he said he wanted a guy who takes care of himself.  I thought it meant a guy well defined and muscled.  Anyways, I thought I was good enough (LOL) and sent him a message.  He replied and he asked me what made me write to him. I said that as cheesy as it sounds, I liked everything of his profile! And also that I think that I answer at a minimum level of what he is looking for.  He replied jokingly in friend about the cheesy part... unfortunately I know no translation in English, so its too bad for you guys ;)  He also asked why I think I answer to the minimum.  I replied that I am not in great shape, but yet I still have a hairy chest (he says it's a plus haha).  He replied that he doesn't necessarily want a super fit guy and was happy to learn about my chest LOL.  I replied that I would answer to the maximum criterias then!!  He was impressed haha and said that he was intrigued (isn't that just perfect when you're trying to date a guy!?!? hahaha)

He asked me my qualities, and I answered that I am really not good at selling myself, but that I would give it a try.  So I liste a few of my qualities and inserted that I like to tease* people (which can be viewed as a bad trait for some I suppose).  I was looking forward to his answer.  He said that I made a really good job at selling myself and that he likes people who tease because it shows humour.

* Once again I don't have the perfect translation, but what i mean is I like to kid, make fun of people but not in a bad way.  People who can't laugh of themselves don't really like this trait.  Can you guys submit me a list of adjective that could be a good definition? I will tell if one fits.

He asked me then what bad traits people think I have.  I gave him 2 , mentionning how I prefer to describe myself, rather than how people perceive me regarding these 2 traits.  I also asked him what are his good and bad sides.  As of now (I am typing these words sunday morning), he has not replied yet.

While I was chatting with that guy, I saw another guy who seemed interesting once again.  I sent him a message and he quickly replied.  Surprisingly he also asked me what made me write to him so I said I thought he was really cute and that I liked what he wrote on his profile.  He replied something similar to what I said and we realized that we both had nothing to do that night.  I suggested that we could meet and he agreed.

It may sound fast, but I don't really see the point in chatting forever with a guy without meeting him.  I mean, we could get along well chatting online, but maybe it couldn't click for real, so I prefer to meet soon.

It was already past 7 and I hadn't had dinner yet  I quickly ate and went to meet him.  We actually live 50 minutes apart so we agreed to meet in a town inbetween.  He said we could go walk in a park and then go for a coffee or something. He suggested we meet in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart and that he would drive us to the park (since he knows the place better then I do)

I have been given a good advice by a friend from the chatroom who told me that I should always tell someone when I have a first date with a guy, in case things could turn bad.  So I called my brother and told him I would meet this new guy and told him where I was going.  He asked what happened with the previous guy and I told him quickly.  Later during the date I sent a text message to my brother to tell him that all was alright.

So I arrived in the parking lot and the guy, let's call him MC, had texted to me to say he had arrived.  It was already kinda dark and I saw only one car that could be his.  I parked a few meters away from it and looked, but couldn't tell if it was the right guy.  I texted him, but somehow his phone wasnot working anymore, so he didn't reply.  Then I saw him wave at me so I went to his car and recognized him.  I entered in his car and we went to the park.  It felt awkward to meet a guy and the first thing I do I get in his car... 

We were both a bit shy I guess.  We didn't talk a lot.  When he talked he was talking about his boss and I was hoping he would not break my ears with her all night long hahaa.  At the park we started to walk and it was already almost total night so I was a bit afraid that I was alone with a complete stranger in the dark, but he seemed ok (in the future I will be more cautious about that).  We didn't talk a lot neither and I was thinking maybe we wouldn't connect.  Then it seemed like a storm was coming so I suggested we go back.  2 minutes after we got back in the car it started pouring rain!

We went in a coffee shop and unfortunately there was lots of weird people being loud.  We made fun out of it and we started being more at ease (finally!) with each other.  When we had enough of the loud people, we left and went back to the parking lot.  We stayed in his car for at least 45 minutes and we chatted about many different things and I got to show him my silly side.  I think we spent more than half of the time we spent together in his car, so that was a bit weird haha, cause in a car you're side by side, not face to face. (hmm why do I write that it is obvious! LOL)

He touched my knee or my thigh a few times near the end but I didn't do the same cause I'm just too shy LOL. He was often looking at me with his really beautiful eyes and I felt my "ovaries" at work LOL.  OK I admit my "ovaries" were not 100% responsible for that, because I did feel some sensual tension between us.  It was actually the first time I felt that with a guy I was meeting for the first time.

After the 3rd time I said I should leave, I hugged him as a goodbye and he kissed my neck.  I didn't do the same and I hope he won't take that as a sign I am not interested.  I got out of his car, entered mine, and as I left I waved at him and he waved at me.

I'm happy to see that even if it was a bit awkward at first, the date went better and I would like to meet him again :)

The beginning of something?

Hey everyone.

Yes I know, I'm a tease haha! Sorry about that!!  I just post what I can when I can, that's my excuse! LOL

So, last Saturday, I was lazy in bed and started browsing profiles on the dating site.  I was actually looking at profiles of guys who were online, cause I find it's easier to establish a first contact when the guy is online.  One of the guys I saw wrote something relly nice on his profile.  It was something like

" Looking for a guy to go hiking, play badminton, watch movies, go to restaurants...  Looking to build something in the long term."

I really liked how he presented himself, so I thought I should say hi to him.  2 things could have prevented me from doing so.  1- he lives an hour and 15 away. 2- he only had one picture on his profile and it was one of him staring away, showing the camera his (naked) back.  (still had pants and a cap on !)  So I thought maybe this guy doesn,t really look for long term.  Anyways, I didn't have anything to lose so I wrote him something like:

" Hi, I really like the way you present yourself on your profile"

And he replied to me saying

"Yeah I like yours too"

Guess what, we continued chatting together and we did get along very well pretty fast.  He added me on facebook temporarily, so that I could see pics of him (gee he is gorgeous and very sexy :) )  Soon enough, we started chatting on skype, as it is mush easier to chat there than on the dating site.  We even video skyped and it was funny because he wanted to either just talk or just see on video.  So when I would see him he wouldn't speak, he was just typing!  How shy he is hahaha!!

We stopped chatting around noon as we both had stuff to do.  We met again at around 4PM and he was telling me that he would go see a movie later that night. I asked him if he would go alone and he said yes.  Now you know how much of a big heart I have :)  and I started implying that we could go together.  He was really happy with the suggestion and we set to go watch IronMan 3 at a town midway between our respective towns.  Once that was set, we kinda realized that we could eat together before going to the movie!!  So we agreed on meeting at a restaurant near the theatre.

He is a big texter! And I'm not! But I text more than ever with him!  So prior to meeting for real for the first time, he had sen me plenty of cute text messages.  I replied to most of them. (oh and I told him to stop texting and driving!!).  When I arrived at the restaurant I knew he was already there, but I couldn't find him.  I texted him and asked where he was. At a certain point, I thought it would be better so I just called him.  However, he didn't answer and I got into his voicemail.  But, I didn't understand why the name on the voicemail wasn't the one he had given me.  So I told myself I would ask him later about that.

He finally arrived and we met and we went in the restaurant together.  We chatted all the time and it was great.  He was the first out of the 4 guys I had met that I thought we really got along well.  At one point we talk about texting and about our phone and I hand him my phone to explain why I hate texting. He quickly gives it back to me and he shows me that I have an unread text message.

I was surprised cause I thought I had read all the messages he had sent me.  So I read it and I don't understand why he had written this:

"Hey sorry I couldn't reply, I'm at a dinner and it is more polite to answer by text than to pick up the call."

I was very confused and somehow I realized that it is not my date who wrote it (let's just call him SL, I can't find any nickname!). It was the guy I had an ice ceram with and who didn't show up for the tennis game.  So I understood everything!!  I started laughing and I explained SL that I had called him but he didn't answer and that I was surprised at the name on the voicemail.  But it was just because I had called the wrong guy!!!  Hahaha, luckily SL wasn't mad at all and I showed him that their names are one above each other in my list so I selected the wrong guy.  What a coincidence anyways!!  And what a luck that the ice cream guy didn't answer when I called him, cause it would have been really awkward.

Since then it's a running gag between SL and me.  We imply that I have a double life and that I see the ice cream guy on the side, it's really funny!!  But that running gag shows how we get along well and how we both make each other laugh.

Anyways, after dinner we went to the theater and the movie was OK, I was expecting more.  We didn't really get close during the movie and I guess it was OK for both of us.  But between the restaurant and the theater, he kinda "bumped" into me a few times affectionnately and I liked it.

After the movie we simply said goodbye, no hug or kiss.  Back home we chatted a bit again so it was good.  I was a bit apprehensive that I wouldn't see him again since I had a bad run, but I was happy that he was still shatting with me!

On Sunday morning we chatted a bit again and since it was Mother's day, we both had something with our families.  I had a brunch with mine and he had a dinner with his at his mother's place which happens to be 30 minutes from where I live.  He suggested that he could come at my place to say hi after his dinner.  I said sure!!  I was looking forward to that, but at the same time, trying to stay cool since he could just cancel at the last minute.

But he did come!!  We were both happy about it. I showed him my place and we chatted for about 1.5 hour in the living room.  It was really a pleasant time.  Now I don't remember very well but I don't think we got closer at all, not even when he left.  That's when I wrote that post where I was wondering if he liked me too.

Well....

Not too long after that, he sent me a text message (again while driving!!) and I thought that he still liked me!! :)  When he was back at his place, we chatted again and I was just happy that everything was still fine between us.

The next day, we were exchanging text messages through the day while at work.  And I suggested that I could go see him at his place. He gladly accepted.  But as I would arrive there quite late (around 9PM), it was just wiser to stay there for sleep, wasn't it??

I was supposed to...

...write an update yesterday evening.  I had opened my blog window to start writing.  I also had found a nice picture.

But, my plans for the night changed as I was suddenly expecting a visit, so I had to clean a bit and get ready.

I had a great evening anyways, more to come soon I hope.

I wonder how he feels about me....

This is a really quick update I guess.

For the second evening in a row, I spent time with a guy (the same one both evenings).  We met on the dating site yesterday morning and got along pretty well, pretty fast!!

He left my house about an hour ago and I kinda miss him already.  I wonder if he feels the same. 

At least with this guy I managed to have a second date.  I think he does like me... but I can never be sure.

*sigh*

I'm kinda in the zone where I wonder if I did enough to make him keep his interest.

More to come later I guess!