Sunday, October 21, 2012

Not feeling good about myself....

Allright, I just had a weird thought and I can't believe it came to my mind.  I feel very stupid and ashamed of what I thought.

I considered if I wanted to share it or not.... because I feel like an asshole.  I decided to do it anyways, because  I guess something positive can come out of it.

So this morning I was quietly cactching up on some older posts over at "2 boys in love".  As usual, I had a good time reading their adventures.  However, I stumbled upon some posts where the subject was bullying, being beaten up and dealing with it.

I've never been bullied or intimated for any reason in my entire life.  That's actually quite surprising and I often wonder why nobody has ever been mean to me.  This being said, I have a lot of compassion for those who have been or are victims intimidation.

So, while reading the story this morning, I thought this: "I wish I have lived this".

Now how can someone mentally healthy have this kind of stupid thinking.  Who wants to have been beaten up??

I feel like I'm lacking a lot of respect to those who have lived it.  They surely wish they had not experienced it.

I try to convince myself that it is not to have been beaten up that I wish I had lived.  Maybe it's one or all of the following:

- To have become stronger because of it
- To have been loved and cared following the events
- To have found a way to deal with it when being faced to it afterwards
- That it would have given me tools for some possible future intimidation
- That it would allow me to understand what others have gone through
- That it would mean that I had come out at a much younger age and not have wasted so much time. (I'm pretty sure the odds of being beaten up for being gay are higher at 15 than 30).

But at the same time, it feels like I'm not "in the gang"... which I think is so stupid...  I can't relate to being intimidated, while I suppose most other gays can.  I feel like an outsider, maybe even an impostor, being all happy about life, while I didn't endure a fraction of what other people have lived.

I'm ashamed, because I so don't want to lack respect.... I have a lot of respect for people who have been bullied or beaten up.... but I did think that I wish it had happen to me too...

I'm really sorry...

UPDATE!! A few hours later.....
Thinking back alot about it since writing the post, I think that what I really felt, was that I wish I could understand.  I wish I could share and be able to be comforting if someone talks to me about his situation.  However, I can't. I can't help. I didn't live it.  It makes me sad not being able to understand....


  1. If you've never been intimidated or teased in your entire life...and you're gay (which makes you a target, especially as a teen)...then you must be a very popular guy!

    1. I wasn't out as a teen and I don't think anyone stronlgy suspected that I was gay. However I was kinda nerdy!! (Luckily I changed as years passed)

      I wasn't a popular kid, but on the other hand, I think I've always been respected everywhere I've been (school, work). Not sure why, though.

  2. You may not be able to share your own story of bullying, but that doesn't mean you can't understand or help others who are going through rough times. You are thoughtful and compassionate, as well as pragmatic and driven. You have so much to offer. Just don't feel like you are "less" because you haven't had certain experiences - everybody gets to have their own story.

    1. Thanks Ann Marie, but I believe it's impossible for me to understand what it is to be the victim of hate.

    2. Hmmmm...I hope some people more knowledgable than me chime in. I'd like to hear their opinions.

  3. Hi JF.

    Once again I really admire how honest you are in explaining your feelings.

    I was trying to think of what comments I wanted to make, so I think I'll just do a "bullet point" like you did in your post.

    -- Nobody can ever say they *know* what somebody else has been through. Even if you've had something similar happen to you, you can never know how the other person might have felt -- not exactly. You can say, "I've been through something similar and *this* is what it felt like for *me*."

    -- I have a friend who was disowned by his parents when he came out as gay. This didn't happen to me when I told my parents so I don't know first-hand what that feels like. That doesn't mean I can't be helpful or compassionate or supportive to my friend. I don't have to experience the same thing to be there for them. I can say, "What was that like for you?" and then listen really carefully as they explain it. I think they appreciate my efforts to try and understand their pain. I think that's what I have to offer them, and I think that's a powerful thing to offer.

    -- You said, "I believe it's impossible for me to understand what it is to be the victim of hate." Well, you're right about that in a literal sense if you've not experienced it. But I imagine you are the kind of person who can try your best to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Yeah, you might not know what it's like first-hand, but I'll bet you know at some level what the other person might have been through. Especially if you show concern, compassion and a genuine desire to "be there" for the other person.

    Somehow I get the feeling you are the kind of person somebody would open up to if they've been bullied or were the victim of hate.

  4. Matt, you are absolutely right. Thanks for understanding me. I know that I can still help someone who has lived something I have not. You talk about being helpful, compassionnate, supportive. I know that I can be that. I'm also a good listener. Some people have told me very unexpectedly some very personal issues and they appreciated my listening.

    I think I already knew everything you wrote. I was just really surprised by my gut reaction when reading your blog (the cocksucker series). I didn't understand what was going through me. I think it was really that I couldn't understand all that you felt, even if I knew that I could help if I had a friend telling me he lived something like you did. By not understanding all that you felt, I felt empty inside. Maybe that's because I care about you. I felt helpless, whatsoever. Maybe I'd like to take a bit of that pain with me, so that you could have less with you. But it doesn't work like that...

    I really appreciate you being so supportive. I exposed myself alot to criticism in this post. Yet, the person I was referring to in my post stands up and tells me I'm a good guy.... Thanks Matt

  5. The whole point of an anonymous blog, in my opinion, is to allow the writer to express himself with soul-baring honesty. And you certainly did that!

    I was NEVER bullied or picked on ever in my life. No one ever guessed that I was gay, including me!

    Honestly, I cannot imagine what it would be like to be victimized in that way. It's just inconceiveable to me. So I do see your point about not fully understanding what a victim of bullying must feel.

    But I am sure that you have other experiences and strengths which would make you more empathic in other situations.... we're all different!