Crazy nights in San Diego

I just finished 2 weeks of vacation.  During a first week marked by upsets, I decided that I needed to fly away and luckily, I have a friend in San Diego who could host me for my second week.  So on the first wednesday of my vacation, I purchased plane tickets for San Diego from Saturday to the next saturday.

I arrived in San Diego at almost midnight on saturday night, and I had been travelling for about 12 hours already so I was really empty .  My friend ( who is also gay) wanted to go out to see the strippers in a bar, but I really needed to go relax and sleep.

The next night though, we went to 2 bars (for those who know the bars there: Flicks and Rich's).  It was not a very busy night.  We didn't stay long in any of the bars.  My friend couldn't find any of his friends but it was ok for me, it was my first official visit in a gay bar !!

It was really cool to see guys being together and being comfortable for being who they are and loving what they love.  I did see a very hot guy with a purple baseball hat ( did I ever mention I have a thing for baseball hats?!? hahaha)

We went back home quite early, I think it was around midnight hahah! Not so crazy you will say... well I agree :). But it was still crazier then Monday when we stayed home haha!

Tuesday night we went to see a movie: 2 guns, with Mark Wahlberg.  A good movie, although I thought that there were too many people involved in the plot.  But MW was nice to look at of course! Wednesday we went to meet some of his friends and it was relax but nice.

OK, the craziness is about to start haha!!

On thursday evening, we went to see some other of his friends.  One of them came to talk to me and we chatted for a while.  We even talked about going for a hike the next saturday before I left, with another of his friends ( we eventually did go on that hike on Saturday afternoon!).  We eventually all went to Flicks and I got to chat more with the other guys in that group.  They were all really nice guys.  If I was to go live in San Diego I'm sure they would be my friends.  After a while there, the group decided to go at Bourbon, where yhere was a wet underwear contest hahahah!!  Do I need to say that it was going to be the first time I would attend such an event!?

To my great pleasure, my favorite guy won the contest!! he was REALLY cute and hot and sexy lol.  I tried to find some pics on the net of him but apparently no pic of him winning the contest is on the net :(.   Furing the contest, one guy came talking to me.  Pretty rapidly, the conversation turned to this:

Him: Do you like asian guys? (he's asian!)

Me: ( I think I laughed out of nervousness.  I didn't reply. But I don't think he took it wrong as then ...)

Him: Do you wanna hook up tonight?

Me: No!

Hehehe! another first!!  I seriously have nothing against asian guys and there are some that I find really cute and sexy, but the bottom line is that I am not into that!!

A bit later, as me and my friend were leaving and were outside, I saw the contest winner and I am surprised that I shouted :" Hey congrats!!"

Another first for me. But what is even more suprising about me is what happened next.  He saw me and acknowledged his congratulations. But then there was a small awkward moment when we both didn't know what to do.  I then went to him and hugged him and I said again " congrats!" ( oh btw he had his clothes back on at that moment hahaha).  Then I went away smiling.  I kinda regret not having chatted a bit with him or maybe try to get a feel of his butt, but I didn't think about that hahah!  Next time I suppose :)

The next day (friday) we got a text from one of my frind's friend and it was actually saying: " Hey guys, tonight is JF's last night in San Diego and let's make it a fun night for him. Let's go out tomight and party with him"

That was really sweet! What a good guy he is! They actually usually go out on saturdays, not fridays. So they moved their gathering for me! It was really nice from him to think about that and from the other guys to join us!

Before going out, my frien and I went for dinner in an italian restaurant!  He made me taste his calamari..... I almost threw up :( what a disgusting texture and taste!!  Did I ever mention I don't like seafood??

But!! I had something much more exciting happening to me during our time at the restaurant! There was this super hot guy who was sat right in front of me, and I could watch him a lot haha!!  It's only the next day or the other that I realized that the guy I saw was very probably this guy:

The very sexy (porn) actor Adam Whirtmore!!  I'm sure it was him!  He was actually looking sexyer than on that pic and had a nice green bandana. 

After dinner, we joined my new friends at Flicks ( again haha) and started drinking there before heading to Rich's.  At Rich's, there were gogo dancers and it was  new first for me to withess that hehe.  There's one of them that I didn't like at all. he obviously was way too full of himself and didn't seem nice at all.  I liked more to watch those who seemed to have fun!  Anyways, my new friends wanted me to go tip them! but there was no way I was going to do that hahahah.  Not that I would not have appreciated slipping a dollar bill under one of the hotties undies, but seriously, there is something really weird about all that for me. Maybe I'll come back on this on a future post.

We danced a lot and it was actually the first time I was dancing in a gay bar.  For anyone who has never been in a gay bar, if you've been in a " regular" bar, you have seen the same thing, except that in the gay bar, guys touch and kiss each other together instead of doing that to girls.  Once again, there was something weird for me about that promiscuity and sexualization of the dance at times.

I admit that I did dance with a guy (another first) and I was holding him and it was nice.  But there was something... missing... as there was no other connection between us then the physical one.

All and all, it was another great night and I really enjoyed it.  Oh!  and near the end, I saw again the hottie from the restaurant and he was dancing really well!!

The next night, I again missed the strippers, as I was at the airport for my flight back.  My friend made me realize that next time I visit him, I have to make sure to have my full weekend available as there is alot of action happening!!!

Of course, it was not a crazy week at all!! It was a good, fun and refreshing one and I'm glad to have done it and very happy of the firsts I experienced and that I managed to make friends quite easily!  I need to find friends like that here!!

My deepest fear

This is a post I wanted to write a long time ago.  But I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't jinx myself by talking about it before a certain event happened.

About 10 days ago, I received the results of the HIV test done 4 months after my possible infection.  The result was negative, as expected, but I was still a little tiny bit nervous.

It means that that chapter of my life has officially ended.  Of course the last months were not hard on me regarding that specific issue.  But I am still glad it is over.

Some of you may remember, but when I was starting my medication to prevent the possible infection to grow ( and to actually kill it), I talked about all this with my boss.  There is one aspect of the discussion we had that I didn't mention when I did my original post.

My boss told me that When I was thinking about HIV, all I could see was death.  I kinda acknowledged that, but it is not what I was seeing at all.  I didn't tell him what i was really seeing, probably because I was not sure how to express my thiughts, but also because I didn't need him ( and still don't) to know what I see.

When I thought I could have got HIV, the most shattering thing I would see was isolation, reject and loneliness.

I find it already dificult to find someone to build a relationship with.  I just don't know how I could do it if I was HIV+.  I know there are some support groups and various things.... but still.  Also, I didn't see myself revealing the news to the people around me.  That would have been too tough.  I wouldn't want them to pity me.  And I wouldn't want them to suffer ( especially my mom ) for that.  So what would that mean:  that barely a few months after I had revealed my biggest secret in the hope to be free and happy, I would have to hide a much more " shameful" secret.  I know that it would have been an accident if I had got it, but .... being HIV+ is not something you can be proud of, is it?  

I thought that I would have been so pathetic. A 30 yo guy who finally ends up in bed with someone after a lot of introspecion on what he wants his life to be, that the first time he does it, he gets infected and that it destroys all his hopes for the future.  

That's what I was seeing.

I feared to not be able to live the life I wanted to live and to be alone for the rest of my life.

PS.  this is my own actual view on the subject.  If you are HIV+, I hope that I didn't offend you.  Fear is very powerful when facing the unknown.  I do hope that some HIV+ persons manage to have a happy life and don't feel the isolation I so feared and still fear.

My first obvious request to be someone's fuckbuddy

Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: You have a day off?
Me: I' on vacation
Him: Same here
Him: What are you looking for?
Me: A boyfriend, you?
Him: a good friend
Me: What do you mean? are you straight or gay?
Him: more straight
Me: ok
Him: Do you want to have fun?
Me: the famous parables!!  Are you looking for a fuckbuddy
Him: Yes
Me: Sorry , that's not what I'm looking for

A lonely man's thoughts

Why am I so insecure? I used to be independant. Now I feel so dependant.  I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm so pathetic.  I scare my friends away. I'm so lonely. I'm an alien.  I don't understand how other people act. Why doesn't anyone try to understand me?  I'm not crazy.  I'm so lonely.  I'm not crazy I just need people to answer to my calls or text messages.  It would just be politeness or respect.  Where has respect gone?  Why does everyone make plans with others but they can't with me? I'm going nuts. I feel so alone. I'm not like that usually.  I wish I could trust people but they do everything so that I won't. The only person who never let me down is my mom. I wish I could have other persons I know will never let me down. I cry so much these days.  I just want to be with someone.  Why can't I be happy?  Everytime I have the slightest hope, I have a huge payback. Am I bipolar? I wish I was not like this. I'm an alien. I don't have really high expectations but people keep not achieving them. I can't be alone anymore. I just can't take it anymore. I need to connect with someone I'm speechless. I'm clueless. I try and I try amd I try the people say I do too much. but when I do nothing, nothing happens.  I always end up alone. I can't stand being alone anymore.  I've been alone for so long.... but now I can't.  I just want to have someone to trust and love and that he does feel the same about me.  I don't think I'm asking for too much :(

Demons

We all have our demons.  Some of bigger than others. Some have too many to be happy.

One of the guys that I met and that I have yet to blog about....  he told me this Saturday that he found life to be really hard.  He told me all that was making him go nuts.  He said that he would be much more at peace once dead.  I was shocked and sad by what he said and I told him to not consider suicide.  He said he was not serious about it but I am still scared.  The next morning, I texted him:

"We all have our demons. Even me. We just need to find a way to neutralize them"

He replied a Thank you.

Later that day he told me he was feeling better, but I know that he has not neutralized his demons. I want to help him with that and I hope he will let me do it.

Prior to that, in the afternoon, I learned that a brilliant young guy I know, only 18, commited suicide.

I am totally baffled and shocked by this news. By the fact that this guy took the lucid decision that the best thing to do for him was to end his life.

It's.....  I don't even know what word to use.

I'm an optimistic guy, even if I have some hard times... and hearing my friend talk about that on Saturday and learning about this other guy doing it.....  I can't imagine what their state of mind can be.

This morning, after talking to a few other friends of this guy and also his brother who is totally shattered by his loss, I can't help thinking that it is such a selfish gesture.  His brother is traumatized for life, his boyfriend will probably be too.  His loving mother, his caring friends.....  I chatted with one guy who said that he was his best friend.  Everyone can't stop crying....

It's horrible.

The worst part is that he had many people he could have talked to.  He was not alone.  Maybe he thought he was but he wasn't.  So many people could have helped him.

I'm just so sad.....

Passion

I met a guy yesterday night and he asked what were my passions.

I was a bit baffled by his question, since I don't think I have any :(

I am interested in many things, but there is not one or two specific things that I could call a passion.

I felt a little bit "lifeless" after that....  should I have a passion? Am I less interesting if I don't have any passion?!?

Confusion with mixed dating sites

As you probably all know, there are mixed (straight and gay) dating sites as well as "specialized" (for lack of a better term!!)

When I create a profile on a mixed site, I specify that I am a man seeking for another man.

So how am I suggested to talk to girls or straight guys?? And to make thing worst, sometimes it is nit even written what the suggested person is looking for.... so I end up not knowing if the guy is straight or gay....  As if life was not already not complicated enough lol!!!

I don't know... is it because these straight girls have mistakenly identified as men and that these straight guys have mistakenky specified they were seeking for men??  Or is it the dating site that really sucks at "classifying" their "customers!?!?

Oh well..... have a great week end!!

PS sorry for the lack of entries... I've been lazy but I promise I'll catch up.