Wednesday, August 7, 2013
My deepest fear
This is a post I wanted to write a long time ago. But I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't jinx myself by talking about it before a certain event happened.
About 10 days ago, I received the results of the HIV test done 4 months after my possible infection. The result was negative, as expected, but I was still a little tiny bit nervous.
It means that that chapter of my life has officially ended. Of course the last months were not hard on me regarding that specific issue. But I am still glad it is over.
Some of you may remember, but when I was starting my medication to prevent the possible infection to grow ( and to actually kill it), I talked about all this with my boss. There is one aspect of the discussion we had that I didn't mention when I did my original post.
My boss told me that When I was thinking about HIV, all I could see was death. I kinda acknowledged that, but it is not what I was seeing at all. I didn't tell him what i was really seeing, probably because I was not sure how to express my thiughts, but also because I didn't need him ( and still don't) to know what I see.
When I thought I could have got HIV, the most shattering thing I would see was isolation, reject and loneliness.
I find it already dificult to find someone to build a relationship with. I just don't know how I could do it if I was HIV+. I know there are some support groups and various things.... but still. Also, I didn't see myself revealing the news to the people around me. That would have been too tough. I wouldn't want them to pity me. And I wouldn't want them to suffer ( especially my mom ) for that. So what would that mean: that barely a few months after I had revealed my biggest secret in the hope to be free and happy, I would have to hide a much more " shameful" secret. I know that it would have been an accident if I had got it, but .... being HIV+ is not something you can be proud of, is it?
I thought that I would have been so pathetic. A 30 yo guy who finally ends up in bed with someone after a lot of introspecion on what he wants his life to be, that the first time he does it, he gets infected and that it destroys all his hopes for the future.
That's what I was seeing.
I feared to not be able to live the life I wanted to live and to be alone for the rest of my life.
PS. this is my own actual view on the subject. If you are HIV+, I hope that I didn't offend you. Fear is very powerful when facing the unknown. I do hope that some HIV+ persons manage to have a happy life and don't feel the isolation I so feared and still fear.