Monday, June 11, 2012
My life before coming out Part 2 of 2: Why I decided to come out and hopefully get some
I want to wrap my body around another guy's body. And I want another guy's body wrapped around mine.
Since I was 20, I have kinda always been afraid of turning 30 years old. In a way, I thought that the foundations of my (happy) life would be built during that decade. As I was approaching the milestone, I was still single and nowhere near from having kids (yes I wish I will have kids, I honestly think I would be a good father). And I'm not even talking about sex!! So it freaked me out a bit. Last year, when I turned 29, it was like: "OK, there's only one year left to make things happen". But 2 problems stood in the way: I was still in the closet and most importantly, I didn't take any action to change things. So, a few months flew by, without any change in my life. But I was still worried for my future.
Then a new (single) girl arrived at work. I thought she was my type of girl (I know which girl I would be into if I was not gay. Am I the only one like that??). But my colleagues started saying that we would be a good fit etc... One of them was really rushing me to try my luck with the girl. I thought that it may be a sign that there was hope on the lady side. But I was still not hitting on her, because the more I knew her, the more I realized that it wouldn't work between us. One day I was hit by an ultimatum by my rushing colleague: I was asking her out or she told her that I had a crush on her. I was so mad at her, but I couldn't tell her why. That's the kind of situation that I had always succeeded in escaping up to that moment. So if I wanted to still have a bit of control over the situation, I couldn't let her tell that I had a crush on her. So I decided to ask her out and she accepted. We were going to go to an exhibit together, but my plan was to absolutely not hit on her. So the next saturday, I picked her at her parents' house and we went to the exhibit. The day went quite well, better than what I thought. But that was not enough for me to renew my interest in her. So I was kind, but not hitting on her, as planned. She was not hitting on me neither (from my perspective). We came back from the exhibit, we went dinner and after that I brought her back to her parents' house. So that's how my first ever date went !! Wou-hou!! How romantic!! There was no sign after all and I was still at the same point in my life. At least, I think I managed to not become a jerk as I suppose that for her, things didn't seem to be clicking between us. We didn't talk about it afterwards and it seemed clear between us that things would not go further. She eventually quit the job, so that stopped everyone else from trying to match us together.
September came and I was now 6 months from turning 30. It hit me more than when I turned 29. A lot more. After the experience with the girl at work, I was just more certain than ever that I was gay. However, I was not accepting it and I was not feeling good with myself.
I analyzed the situation and saw that I had 3 possible paths to follow.
1- the status quo: I stay in the closet and don't have any relationship until I die. ( I have never wished to have a secret relationship. I think that it would be just too much to handle for me)
2- the straight life: lies, lies and lies. I could become the jerk I have never wanted to be and possibly hurt one or more girl who didn't deserve it at all.
3- the gay life: come out and find the true happiness that the other options could not offer me.
So the happiness was with option 3. But option 3 had a cost. A big cost. Option 1 was a no-go from the beginning: it was the situation I was trying to escape from. There was no way I wanted to continue that way. Option 2 was the more "socially acceptable" option. It could lead me to the life I had always envisionned for myself and that everyone expects from everyone. But this option had also a cost: keeping the secret. I also thought that even if it could lead me to the kind of life that I had dreamed of, I would not be truely happy, because of the secret.
I had to decide between:
happiness + possible hard coming outs
life that I (and the society) had dreamt of + secret + unhappiness?
Once that I had put it this way, the choices got trimmed a bit to the essential:
( the dreamt life was kinda hard to remove though)
I can say that I am a goal-driven person. Wasn't all this questionning and worriness in order to fulfill a pursuit of happiness?? It became pretty clear to me that I had to chose the gay life, whatever (hard?) steps I had to do. But I had already made the first step in chosing the right option, so that made me feel better. I still had a long way to go before getting to my objective. I still had to come out. As I said, I have never wanted to have a secret relationship. So I needed to come out before trying to get into a relationship. But before coming out and expect my people to accept me, there was still one last thing that I needed to do. In my opinion, it is an essential thing. I had to accept myself the way I am. The analysis, the steps already mentionned... They're nothing if my emotions don't jump in the same train. I would still not be happy even if I come out but I don't accept who I am.
Reflecting back on it tonight, I am surprised at how I easily accepted myself. I don't really remember how it happened. It just happened. I guess I was ready. If I knew all the gay blogs I know now, I suppose that things would have gone faster. But I'm still proud of what I have accomplished by myself. I didn't specify it, but up to that point, I had talked about my secret to absolutely nobody.
Once I had accepted myself, I even realized that my dreamt life was still possible, but with a little masculine variant!! That was a good news!
So I was feeling a lot better about myself. I was ready to come out. Actually, I needed to come out! The actions that were lacking only a few months before were going to happen.