Saturday, June 9, 2012

My life before coming out Part 1 of 2: Why I stayed in the closet and didn't get some

Two eye candies for my second post.  Let's not expect this to be a trend!

Hello everyone, I'm very happy with the feedback and the traffic on my blog so far. So, now I need to do my job and post more!! 

There is no pivotal moment in my life when I realized I was gay.  I don't even remember when that happened.  I think the furthest memory of a gay behavior was when I was looking at my mother's catalogues and had a particular interest for the men's underwear pages...  I guess I was around 10.  I didn't make a big deal out of it, even though I knew that I didn't have that interest for the women's underwear pages and that those were the pages the other boys my age were probably looking at.

In high school, I was probably 14-15 years old when I began looking at the boys.  Then again, no big deal.  I didn't feel the social pressure to have a girlfriend.  There was the occasional hints from family members or friends at school, but I always shied away pretty easily from it.  The thing is that I've always been prude and shy.  I've never been the one to put my emotions on the table for everyone to see.  I'm pretty sure that I have not become prude because I knew I was gay.  They're both independant facts from each other but happened to be quite compatible when mixed together.  On the other hand, no girl has ever seemed to be interested in me.  If there were, I'm sorry if I acted inappropriately, I just didn't notice.  It's not that I was not an interesting boy, but as I have realized over the years, attitude is probably much more important than the good looks when it comes to seduction.  And I didn't have the attitude... because I didn't have the interest.

I also somehow didn't want to explore my sexuality.  I didn't want to do stuff that I was not assuming. That's the first reason why I'm still a virgin to this day (yeah I now that's a long time!!).  So I kept fantasizing and with the arrival of internet at the end of high school (around 1998), I began to look at pictures and then gay movies.    The other reason why I'm still virgin is that I didn't run after girls.  I was consciously or not trying to avoid being in an intimate situation with a girl, because I was afraid that my little buddy wouldn't wake up and that it would be the beginning of a nightmare.  I could have tried, and I could have succeeded. But deep inside, I knew one thing: I didn't want to be be a jerk who uses a girl and lied to her because he doesn't accept his homosexuality.  (That's how I felt and still feel today for myself.  It doesn't mean that I think that the guys who do that are jerks.  Everyone has their motives and lives with the consequences of their acts and I am not here to judge them)

Then came university and a surprise.  I fell in love with a girl.  She was actually a long-time friend who was not attending my university, but I developped some love feelings for her.  I was confused but once again, no big deal.  After a couple of days (or weeks??) the feelings were still there.  So I decided to give her a shot and to see where it would lead me.  Actually I think I had decided to completely ignore the sexual part of a possible relation with this girl (and ignoring the jerk thing).  I needed to try.  Not because I wanted to test my "straightness", but because my feelings were so strong, I couldn't keep them for myself.  So I went to see her and asked her if she wanted to be my girlfirend.  She politely declined my invitation !! She was flattered, but had no love interest for me so that was the end of it... and I didn't have to face my homosexuality.

A year later, I fell in love with a girl from my university.  It's weird because looking back at it, not so much seemed to unite us.  I was the somewhat serious guy with good grades and that didn't attract girls.  She was more of a party girl who had more difficulty at school and a lot of boys were attracted to her.  But, against all odds, we became friends.  Actually when I was friend with her (we're not anymore, because she quit university and I continued.  But I wish I could reconnect with her), I realized how weird our friendship could seem to be, but at the same time, I thought that we were alike in many ways.  We had a similar family background and I think we understood each other pretty well.

So as I said, I eventually fell in love with her.  One night, she was at my apartment before going to a party.  She asked me: "So, is there a girl in our class who may interest you?"  I freezed!  That was so unexpected. I was totally not ready to tell her the feelings I had for her.  So I said no.  I'll never know what would have happened if I had told her the truth. She was single at the time and I wonder if I could have had a shot with her.  Not so long after that, we were at another party (yes, I was attending most parties even if I was labelled as one of the studious guys (actually I was not that studious, I just had good grades without really studying a lot)).  I saw her kiss another guy.  Oh did I wish to be in this guys' shoes.  She eventually began a relationship with that guy, so I accepted it and slowly my love feelings disappeared.  A year after that she was single again and for one night she needed a place to stay and I invited her in my apartment.  We actually slept in the same bed.  I didn't try anything... we just slept.

So I have fallen in love with 2 girls in my life and had some small crushes on a few others, but I was always sexually attracted to guys.  I have actually never had the same feelings for any guy so far.  So I ended up thinking that I was a gay guy who, weirdly enough, happens to sometimes fall in love with girls.  I had not thought that this could mean I was bisexual.  I thought that a bisexual was a person who was sexually attracted to both genders.  That was not my case, so I thought that I was really weird and wondered if there were other gays like me, but without really trying to find the answers.

(In my first post I mentionned that I was technically bisexual, but the paragraph above is not meant to explain my bisexuality.  There is some more important stuff that will be explained in an upcoming post.  I really hope my story is not too confusing)

After university, there's not much to say.  I began the real life and I have a steady job.  But, nothing really important on the love or sex sides.  I slowly approached the 30's, with the questioning and doubts that come with it.  As you may guess, I was about to realize that I needed to come out.

Stay tuned for the rest of my story and don't hesitate to comment.  I love reading what you have to say.

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