Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Discovering and defining my bisexuality (Part 1 of 2): The aftermath of coming out
Hey guys (and girls??). So here is the story of my unexpected journey towards finding out about my bisexuality. But here's a quick recap before going into the thick of things:
- Since my teen years, I've always known that I was gay.
- I still fell in love with a few girls, but thought that I was just weird.
- Approaching my 30s, I decided that I had enough to be in the closet and decided to come out.
- I decided to accept that I was a gay guy, who happens to have some romantic interest in girls.
- I came out to my parents last October and it went pretty well.
- While coming out to my parents, it became less clear to me that I was gay. Suddenly I didn't understand my romantic interest in girls.
What can't a wink do ?
Very attracted to sexy boy....
...but charmed by sexy lady??
So, at the moment I thought I had it all set, I simply became more confused!! Before coming out to my parents, I thought that things would go very fast afterwards. I thought that I would have told my brother the same night and my sister in the following days. But it had become impossible, because I needed to be sure of what I would "announce" to my siblings and everyone else.
The next morning, my mom came to my house. It was already scheduled long before, so I wondered before her arrival how things would unfold. We didn't talk about the previous night until lunch when my mom decided to start it. Without getting too much into the details (I don't remember much of what we said), I remember that the most heartbreaking moment happened during that lunch. She was talking about she understood that I was born like that (which she had said the evening before). But I realized that she deeply thought that she had made something wrong and that it was her fault. She was crying and I was shocked. I had totally not expected this and to see her like that broke my heart. She said that maybe something wrong happened during pregnancy or during birth-giving. I told her to stop that non-sense. I was crying too. I told her that it was nobody's fault and that bobody has to feel guilty about it. Somehow I began to smile, trying to show her that I was fine. (It was not a forced smile, it just came out very naturally. I'm happy it did, it shows me that I had really accepted being "different").
My mother was still hoping that I was wrong about my sexuality. At that moment I may or may not have made a mistake. I told her about the doubts that had arised and about the girls that I fell in love with. It's as if I had given her a life buoy to hang on to. I told her to not dream in colors about it, that I knew that I was attracted to boys, but that I wanted to really understand who I was. I explained that I wished to meet a psychologist counselor or a sex counselor to help me understand myself. ( I want to be clear that I didn't want to do that to get cured or something like that. It was really to get to know me better and to accept whatever I would find I was.)
I think it took more than a week before deciding to meet a counselor. I don't know why. While days were flying by, I became more and more uncomfortable with myself and with the situation I had put myself in. When I couldn't handle it, I decided to meet a psychologist counselor. (Sometimes I need to kick myself to get things going!)
I found one and got a meeting with her pretty rapidly. However, things didn't go as expected. As I was telling her my story and my doubts, she was having weird looks at me. She didn't seem comfortable. In the end I asked her what she thought... if she had already seen a "case" like me. She told me no!!! Hum Hello?!?!? Is that supposed to make me feel better about myself?? I didn't take it too personal, but it really didn't help me. She told me that she had a colleague who was a sex counselor and she asked me if I wanted to meet him. I accepted and took his coordinates to contact him. That's about the only positive thing I got from that meeting!!
Stay tuned for part 2 of this story. In the meantime, every comment is welcome. And if there are some girl readers here, I'd like to have your point of view!!