Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Discovering and defining my bisexuality (Part 1 of 2): The aftermath of coming out

Hey guys (and girls??).  So here is the story of my unexpected journey towards finding out about my bisexuality.  But here's a quick recap before going into the thick of things:

- Since my teen years, I've always known that I was gay.
- I still fell in love with a few girls, but thought that I was just weird.
- Approaching my 30s, I decided that I had enough to be in the closet and decided to come out.
- I decided to accept that I was a gay guy, who happens to have some romantic interest in girls.
- I came out to my parents last October and it went pretty well.
- While coming out to my parents, it became less clear to me that I was gay.  Suddenly I didn't understand my romantic interest in girls.

 What can't a wink do ?

 Very attracted to sexy boy....

 ...but charmed by sexy lady??

So, at the moment I thought I had it all set, I simply became more confused!!  Before coming out to my parents, I thought that things would go very fast afterwards.  I thought that I would have told my brother the same night and my sister in the following days.  But it had become impossible, because I needed to be sure of what I would "announce" to my siblings and everyone else.

The next morning, my mom came to my house.  It was already scheduled long before, so I wondered before her arrival how things would unfold.  We didn't talk about the previous night until lunch when my mom decided to start it.  Without getting too much into the details (I don't remember much of what we said),  I remember that the most heartbreaking moment happened during that lunch.  She was talking about she understood that I was born like that (which she had said the evening before). But I realized that she deeply thought that she had made something wrong and that it was her fault. She was crying and I was shocked. I had totally not expected this and to see her like that broke my heart.  She said that maybe something wrong happened during pregnancy or during birth-giving.  I told her to stop that non-sense.  I was crying too.  I told her that it was nobody's fault and that bobody has to feel guilty about it.  Somehow I began to smile, trying to show her that I was fine.  (It was not a forced smile, it just came out very naturally.  I'm happy it did, it shows me that I had really accepted being "different").

My mother was still hoping that I was wrong about my sexuality.  At that moment I may or may not have made a mistake.  I told her about the doubts that had arised and about the girls that I fell in love with.  It's as if I had given her a life buoy to hang on to.  I told her to not dream in colors about it, that I knew that I was attracted to boys, but that I wanted to really understand who I was.  I explained that I wished to meet a psychologist counselor or a sex counselor to help me understand myself.  ( I want to be clear that I didn't want to do that to get cured or something like that.  It was really to get to know me better and to accept whatever I would find I was.)

I think it took more than a week before deciding to meet a counselor.  I don't know why.  While days were flying by, I became more and more uncomfortable with myself and with the situation I had put myself in.  When I couldn't handle it, I decided to meet a psychologist counselor.  (Sometimes I need to kick myself to get things going!)

I found one and got a meeting with her pretty rapidly.  However, things didn't go as expected.  As I was telling her my story and my doubts, she was having weird looks at me.  She didn't seem comfortable.  In the end I asked her what she thought... if she had already seen a "case" like me.  She told me no!!!  Hum Hello?!?!?  Is that supposed to make me feel better about myself??  I didn't take it too personal, but it really didn't help me.  She told me that she had a colleague who was a sex counselor and she asked me if I wanted to meet him.  I accepted and took his coordinates to contact him.  That's about the only positive thing I got from that meeting!!

Stay tuned for part 2 of this story.  In the meantime, every comment is welcome.  And if there are some girl readers here, I'd like to have your point of view!!


  1. I hear you, I've had a heck of a time determining my sexual orientation. I've been seeing counselors for years, but the one I switched to about a year ago has definitely been the most helpful. There's something to be said about finding someone who's a good fit with your personality, and whose expertise is compatible with your particular issues.

  2. I'm glad that your first counselor had the sense to realize that the best thing she could do for you is refer you to someone else more able to help you.

    Unfortunately, there's a lot of push-back on the whole idea of bisexuality. Many in the gay (male, I won't speak for the lesbians) are downright hostile to the idea that a guy might be bisexual rather than 100% gay and straight. And of course, those who are hostile to all non-heterosexual orientations are equally invested in pretending that bisexuality exists. I'm glad you were able to sort through it all and come to accept who you authentically are.

    But I realized that she deeply thought that she had made something wrong and that it was her fault.

    This is something that concerns me, given some of the recent research that suggests that prenatal development factors may contribute to sexual orientation. I'm concerned that it could become a new way to blame women for "turning their children gay," and there might be pressure to try to identify and counteract those factors. That's not an added stress I'd want to see added to an expectant mother.

    To me, this is why I think the LGBT community needs to quit focusing so much on the "born this way" argument and focus on, "Doesn't matter, because there's nothing wrong with it" argument.

    Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now....

    Thank you for sharing such personal experiences. I loved reading this.

    1. Great comment man!

      "I'm glad you were able to sort through it all and come to accept who you authentically are."
      Well, thank you, but I haven't explained that part yet ;)) I would say that I'm about 90% gay and 10% straight. So that makes me technically bisexual. But since the gay side is so much stronger, as I said in my first post, I consider myself gay. But these are just labels. In the end, we just need to pursue what kind of person we're interested in.

      I totally agree with what you say about not putting unnecessary stress on the mothers. I personnally really don't care to know what caused my sexual orientation. Even if I knew, it wouldn't change anything. As with anything, we have to deal with what we've got.

      Even if it comes from a prenatal factor, how could we seriously blame our mothers?? If true, they didn't know that some of their actions would cause it. But I see where you're going: you're afraid that in the future, we take (morally questionnable) actions to avoid having gay children (if we get to know a cause). I would certainly not be comfortable with that idea.

      I think the "Born this way" argument is there to explain that sexual orientation is not a choice... as many of our personal traits. In the end, I think everyone needs to understand that they are who they are.

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  4. I have to say, it's extremely similar being a woman. For five years while I was growing up, my mother (who is bisexual) dated a woman; my adopted older sister is a lesbian; most of my friends have always been lesbians. I identified as a lesbian for a long time. I got my first (and only) boyfriend at seventeen. We were together for over a year before I admitted to myself that I was actually interested in *him* and not just in the attention. I didn't start using the word bisexual to describe myself until after we got engaged. I've lost at least two friends solely because I am in love with a man - one lesbian, one who identifies as straight but considers herself bicurious.

    1. Hey Cassandra, thank you for reading my blog and commenting. It's nice to have a girl speak up! You certainly have a lot of people close to you who aren't "straight"! Are you still engaged to your boyfriend?? How is your interest towards women going when you're with a man?

    2. Yes, we're still engaged, and planning to be married before the end of the year. I have more straight friends now (mostly through him).
      My attraction to others doesn't depend on my relationship status, I've noticed. I give men more of a chance, but that's mainly the only difference - I don't feel any need to be with a woman or only look at women, and nor do I shut that out at all. I guess the easiest way to put it is that I'm always going to be interested in looking, but I'm perfectly satisfied in my relationship and have no need or want to touch. :)