That was one of my existential crisis

First, thanks for all the great comments on yesterday's post!

Before going any further, I would like to mention that I wrote that letter right in the middle of an existential crisis.  I do them at times haha.  You can tell how existential it was by the number of tags I  put on it.  It covered a lot of aspects in my life , so no wonder it felt very intense.

Once again, writing stuff down helps me deal with some of my issues.  And of course I'm just very happy from the feedback I received.

And thanks to remind me that I put too much pressure on myself and to remind me that I'm a great guy heheheh...  But I did remember that guys who only seek sex are not what I want, maybe that was a bit misunderstood but anyways ;)

The crisis has ended yesterday around noon.  I'll explain how hopefully soon!!

Feeling lost, trapped.

Here is a translation of a letter I wrote to J, a guy I met at the end of June.  We've been on and off on various levels from friend to potential lovers.  I suppose someday I will tell you guys everything about him.  But in this letter you will still be able to have a an inside look at what has been going between us.

J,
Where to begin? I feel lost.I don't know which path to choose anymore.I have the feeling to be in a dead-end.I feel like my lack of sexual experience is a handicapand that plays a lot on my confidence and my ease with guys.

I've never wanted hookups with random guys.And this is not oing to change.I've always wanted some sort of connexionwold be established before starting to do more sexual stuff. As I think I have already told you, there are 4 guys with whom I have passed that step.You're the one with whom it happened the fastest. It was on our second date.  But you know, I was not really at ease because it was a bit too fast for me.  I'm pretty sure you thought I was lousy, so that's the reason. I was not ready to do more than what I did.  ( This being said, this letter is not meant to be an analysis of our relationship, just use references you know about to explain you ).

With the 4 guys I made that step however, you are the one with whom I went the less far.  With the others, it was more around the 3rd or 4th date.  I know it's not a much longer wait, but it seems like I'm like that.  And it was also more progressive.  During these 3rd or 4th dates, we didn't end up naked. It happened on the following date.  With you I ended up naked on that second date and even if I still felt good, was not comfortable enough to do more than what I did.

And now here is where things start going bad for me.  You see, if it is with you or with any other guy I coold possibly meet in the future, I'm sure that I lose lots of points for being that slow and uncomfortable. I wouldn't be surprise that it is a reason why S is seemingly not interested in me anymore after our first date.  I had told him before our date that I was not at ease speaking about sex because I had not a lot of experience.  During our date, I told him I had never had a boyfriend.  I think that it may be an accumulation of "odd" things that made him step back from me.

So you may understand thatmy self confidence is not very high.  I have the feeling that when i will be with another guy ( the odds of which seem very low at the moment) and that we will try to go further sexually, I will be so lousy that he will let me go as well, without giving me the chance to get learn and to get better.  I feel trapped.

My friend A was yelling me that metimes he was thinking of doing it with a guy to have that first time below his belt and not worry about that anymore. can understand, but as I wrote in the beginning, I don't want random sex, even if it would be to gain experience.But don't get me wrong.  I'm not waiting for the man of my life neither. The only time I was ready to do it with a guy and that the condom broke, knew in the bottom of my heart that I would never love this guy.But I was feeling comfortable enough with him to do it.

All this to say that I feel trapped. I need A to have B and I need B to have A.  And I possess none of them.

Oh yes, I was forgetting to other important points.

In addition to what I wrote above, also am very scared to get an STD, and that comes from even before the condom incident.  You could witness it on our second date, it does add a lot to my incomfort.

Also, I have the feeling that I miss or don't understand a lot of signals.I will go again with an exemple with you.  Last Saturday, when you were suddenly getting closer physically to me... I imagine that when you do this with other guys, you usually end up in bed with them.  But I was so confused about your intentions and feelings that I didn't know what to do.It's not as if I didn't want us to go further... There again my lack of experience was holding me back. And I was afraid to do something inappropriate. That I would do something and that you would push me back.The fear of reject keeps me from doing things.

I think I covered everything. You must think I'm so pathetic.But what I wrote, that's me, what I am. With my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears.

Why do I feel the need to tell all this to someone and that this someone is you? I ignore it.But one thing is sure, it's that it reflects my need to be true and honest and to hide nothing. I feel that need a lot since I have come out. But often, that huge load of authenticity scares people away, I experience it at times ( I experience it with you even). I hope that you will still appreciate me after all. I really do hope so.

JF

Rites of passage

During my visit in San Diego, I visited the Museum of Man.  ( more anthropologic than anatomic lol). One of the exhibits was about rites of passage in different cultures.

In my opinion, the rites of passage in many cultures were much more important and valuable than those in the occidental world.  Let's just think of the young australian aborigenes who go in the outback of the country for more than a week if I remember well to become a man.  In another culture,  boys become men once they have achieved to run naked on top of a row of bulls 4 times.  In another, boys are brought outside the village and are thought by other men the rules of their society, how to hung and they are also teached about sex.

Compared to what we have in the occidental world ( sweet 16, prom, drivers license -- all rites outlined in the exhibit), I realize that we have lost something along the way.  Our rites of passage have multiplied, while their real impact on a boy or a girl is not as lasting.

Somehow I feel like I've missed an important rite of passage in my life.  While in the museum, I unvolutarily had tears to my eyes, as I think that it must be something very fulfilling to achieve these rites in these societies.

However, there was one particular rite of passage that cought my attention: the coming-out.  I was surprised to realize that I had not seen my coming-out(s) as a rite of passage.  However, it definitely was, in retrospect.  And I think that I totally saw it as a rite of passage, since I needed to do this difficult step, prior to try to become what I want to be.  I needed to achieve my rite of passage before even considering being with another man.  In other words, I needed to do it to become a man.

In a way, I feel glad to be gay to have lived this rite of passage, because straight people don't have to do it before becoming a man or a woman.  Somehow, I feel like I have proven better who I am and that I belong here and that I deserve what I want.

Crazy nights in San Diego

I just finished 2 weeks of vacation.  During a first week marked by upsets, I decided that I needed to fly away and luckily, I have a friend in San Diego who could host me for my second week.  So on the first wednesday of my vacation, I purchased plane tickets for San Diego from Saturday to the next saturday.

I arrived in San Diego at almost midnight on saturday night, and I had been travelling for about 12 hours already so I was really empty .  My friend ( who is also gay) wanted to go out to see the strippers in a bar, but I really needed to go relax and sleep.

The next night though, we went to 2 bars (for those who know the bars there: Flicks and Rich's).  It was not a very busy night.  We didn't stay long in any of the bars.  My friend couldn't find any of his friends but it was ok for me, it was my first official visit in a gay bar !!

It was really cool to see guys being together and being comfortable for being who they are and loving what they love.  I did see a very hot guy with a purple baseball hat ( did I ever mention I have a thing for baseball hats?!? hahaha)

We went back home quite early, I think it was around midnight hahah! Not so crazy you will say... well I agree :). But it was still crazier then Monday when we stayed home haha!

Tuesday night we went to see a movie: 2 guns, with Mark Wahlberg.  A good movie, although I thought that there were too many people involved in the plot.  But MW was nice to look at of course! Wednesday we went to meet some of his friends and it was relax but nice.

OK, the craziness is about to start haha!!

On thursday evening, we went to see some other of his friends.  One of them came to talk to me and we chatted for a while.  We even talked about going for a hike the next saturday before I left, with another of his friends ( we eventually did go on that hike on Saturday afternoon!).  We eventually all went to Flicks and I got to chat more with the other guys in that group.  They were all really nice guys.  If I was to go live in San Diego I'm sure they would be my friends.  After a while there, the group decided to go at Bourbon, where yhere was a wet underwear contest hahahah!!  Do I need to say that it was going to be the first time I would attend such an event!?

To my great pleasure, my favorite guy won the contest!! he was REALLY cute and hot and sexy lol.  I tried to find some pics on the net of him but apparently no pic of him winning the contest is on the net :(.   Furing the contest, one guy came talking to me.  Pretty rapidly, the conversation turned to this:

Him: Do you like asian guys? (he's asian!)

Me: ( I think I laughed out of nervousness.  I didn't reply. But I don't think he took it wrong as then ...)

Him: Do you wanna hook up tonight?

Me: No!

Hehehe! another first!!  I seriously have nothing against asian guys and there are some that I find really cute and sexy, but the bottom line is that I am not into that!!

A bit later, as me and my friend were leaving and were outside, I saw the contest winner and I am surprised that I shouted :" Hey congrats!!"

Another first for me. But what is even more suprising about me is what happened next.  He saw me and acknowledged his congratulations. But then there was a small awkward moment when we both didn't know what to do.  I then went to him and hugged him and I said again " congrats!" ( oh btw he had his clothes back on at that moment hahaha).  Then I went away smiling.  I kinda regret not having chatted a bit with him or maybe try to get a feel of his butt, but I didn't think about that hahah!  Next time I suppose :)

The next day (friday) we got a text from one of my frind's friend and it was actually saying: " Hey guys, tonight is JF's last night in San Diego and let's make it a fun night for him. Let's go out tomight and party with him"

That was really sweet! What a good guy he is! They actually usually go out on saturdays, not fridays. So they moved their gathering for me! It was really nice from him to think about that and from the other guys to join us!

Before going out, my frien and I went for dinner in an italian restaurant!  He made me taste his calamari..... I almost threw up :( what a disgusting texture and taste!!  Did I ever mention I don't like seafood??

But!! I had something much more exciting happening to me during our time at the restaurant! There was this super hot guy who was sat right in front of me, and I could watch him a lot haha!!  It's only the next day or the other that I realized that the guy I saw was very probably this guy:

The very sexy (porn) actor Adam Whirtmore!!  I'm sure it was him!  He was actually looking sexyer than on that pic and had a nice green bandana. 

After dinner, we joined my new friends at Flicks ( again haha) and started drinking there before heading to Rich's.  At Rich's, there were gogo dancers and it was  new first for me to withess that hehe.  There's one of them that I didn't like at all. he obviously was way too full of himself and didn't seem nice at all.  I liked more to watch those who seemed to have fun!  Anyways, my new friends wanted me to go tip them! but there was no way I was going to do that hahahah.  Not that I would not have appreciated slipping a dollar bill under one of the hotties undies, but seriously, there is something really weird about all that for me. Maybe I'll come back on this on a future post.

We danced a lot and it was actually the first time I was dancing in a gay bar.  For anyone who has never been in a gay bar, if you've been in a " regular" bar, you have seen the same thing, except that in the gay bar, guys touch and kiss each other together instead of doing that to girls.  Once again, there was something weird for me about that promiscuity and sexualization of the dance at times.

I admit that I did dance with a guy (another first) and I was holding him and it was nice.  But there was something... missing... as there was no other connection between us then the physical one.

All and all, it was another great night and I really enjoyed it.  Oh!  and near the end, I saw again the hottie from the restaurant and he was dancing really well!!

The next night, I again missed the strippers, as I was at the airport for my flight back.  My friend made me realize that next time I visit him, I have to make sure to have my full weekend available as there is alot of action happening!!!

Of course, it was not a crazy week at all!! It was a good, fun and refreshing one and I'm glad to have done it and very happy of the firsts I experienced and that I managed to make friends quite easily!  I need to find friends like that here!!

My deepest fear

This is a post I wanted to write a long time ago.  But I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't jinx myself by talking about it before a certain event happened.

About 10 days ago, I received the results of the HIV test done 4 months after my possible infection.  The result was negative, as expected, but I was still a little tiny bit nervous.

It means that that chapter of my life has officially ended.  Of course the last months were not hard on me regarding that specific issue.  But I am still glad it is over.

Some of you may remember, but when I was starting my medication to prevent the possible infection to grow ( and to actually kill it), I talked about all this with my boss.  There is one aspect of the discussion we had that I didn't mention when I did my original post.

My boss told me that When I was thinking about HIV, all I could see was death.  I kinda acknowledged that, but it is not what I was seeing at all.  I didn't tell him what i was really seeing, probably because I was not sure how to express my thiughts, but also because I didn't need him ( and still don't) to know what I see.

When I thought I could have got HIV, the most shattering thing I would see was isolation, reject and loneliness.

I find it already dificult to find someone to build a relationship with.  I just don't know how I could do it if I was HIV+.  I know there are some support groups and various things.... but still.  Also, I didn't see myself revealing the news to the people around me.  That would have been too tough.  I wouldn't want them to pity me.  And I wouldn't want them to suffer ( especially my mom ) for that.  So what would that mean:  that barely a few months after I had revealed my biggest secret in the hope to be free and happy, I would have to hide a much more " shameful" secret.  I know that it would have been an accident if I had got it, but .... being HIV+ is not something you can be proud of, is it?  

I thought that I would have been so pathetic. A 30 yo guy who finally ends up in bed with someone after a lot of introspecion on what he wants his life to be, that the first time he does it, he gets infected and that it destroys all his hopes for the future.  

That's what I was seeing.

I feared to not be able to live the life I wanted to live and to be alone for the rest of my life.

PS.  this is my own actual view on the subject.  If you are HIV+, I hope that I didn't offend you.  Fear is very powerful when facing the unknown.  I do hope that some HIV+ persons manage to have a happy life and don't feel the isolation I so feared and still fear.

My first obvious request to be someone's fuckbuddy

Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: You have a day off?
Me: I' on vacation
Him: Same here
Him: What are you looking for?
Me: A boyfriend, you?
Him: a good friend
Me: What do you mean? are you straight or gay?
Him: more straight
Me: ok
Him: Do you want to have fun?
Me: the famous parables!!  Are you looking for a fuckbuddy
Him: Yes
Me: Sorry , that's not what I'm looking for

A lonely man's thoughts

Why am I so insecure? I used to be independant. Now I feel so dependant.  I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm so pathetic.  I scare my friends away. I'm so lonely. I'm an alien.  I don't understand how other people act. Why doesn't anyone try to understand me?  I'm not crazy.  I'm so lonely.  I'm not crazy I just need people to answer to my calls or text messages.  It would just be politeness or respect.  Where has respect gone?  Why does everyone make plans with others but they can't with me? I'm going nuts. I feel so alone. I'm not like that usually.  I wish I could trust people but they do everything so that I won't. The only person who never let me down is my mom. I wish I could have other persons I know will never let me down. I cry so much these days.  I just want to be with someone.  Why can't I be happy?  Everytime I have the slightest hope, I have a huge payback. Am I bipolar? I wish I was not like this. I'm an alien. I don't have really high expectations but people keep not achieving them. I can't be alone anymore. I just can't take it anymore. I need to connect with someone I'm speechless. I'm clueless. I try and I try amd I try the people say I do too much. but when I do nothing, nothing happens.  I always end up alone. I can't stand being alone anymore.  I've been alone for so long.... but now I can't.  I just want to have someone to trust and love and that he does feel the same about me.  I don't think I'm asking for too much :(