Sunday, August 25, 2013
Feeling lost, trapped.
Here is a translation of a letter I wrote to J, a guy I met at the end of June. We've been on and off on various levels from friend to potential lovers. I suppose someday I will tell you guys everything about him. But in this letter you will still be able to have a an inside look at what has been going between us.
Where to begin? I feel lost.I don't know which path to choose anymore.I have the feeling to be in a dead-end.I feel like my lack of sexual experience is a handicapand that plays a lot on my confidence and my ease with guys.
I've never wanted hookups with random guys.And this is not oing to change.I've always wanted some sort of connexionwold be established before starting to do more sexual stuff. As I think I have already told you, there are 4 guys with whom I have passed that step.You're the one with whom it happened the fastest. It was on our second date. But you know, I was not really at ease because it was a bit too fast for me. I'm pretty sure you thought I was lousy, so that's the reason. I was not ready to do more than what I did. ( This being said, this letter is not meant to be an analysis of our relationship, just use references you know about to explain you ).
With the 4 guys I made that step however, you are the one with whom I went the less far. With the others, it was more around the 3rd or 4th date. I know it's not a much longer wait, but it seems like I'm like that. And it was also more progressive. During these 3rd or 4th dates, we didn't end up naked. It happened on the following date. With you I ended up naked on that second date and even if I still felt good, was not comfortable enough to do more than what I did.
And now here is where things start going bad for me. You see, if it is with you or with any other guy I coold possibly meet in the future, I'm sure that I lose lots of points for being that slow and uncomfortable. I wouldn't be surprise that it is a reason why S is seemingly not interested in me anymore after our first date. I had told him before our date that I was not at ease speaking about sex because I had not a lot of experience. During our date, I told him I had never had a boyfriend. I think that it may be an accumulation of "odd" things that made him step back from me.
So you may understand thatmy self confidence is not very high. I have the feeling that when i will be with another guy ( the odds of which seem very low at the moment) and that we will try to go further sexually, I will be so lousy that he will let me go as well, without giving me the chance to get learn and to get better. I feel trapped.
My friend A was yelling me that metimes he was thinking of doing it with a guy to have that first time below his belt and not worry about that anymore. can understand, but as I wrote in the beginning, I don't want random sex, even if it would be to gain experience.But don't get me wrong. I'm not waiting for the man of my life neither. The only time I was ready to do it with a guy and that the condom broke, knew in the bottom of my heart that I would never love this guy.But I was feeling comfortable enough with him to do it.
All this to say that I feel trapped. I need A to have B and I need B to have A. And I possess none of them.
Oh yes, I was forgetting to other important points.
In addition to what I wrote above, also am very scared to get an STD, and that comes from even before the condom incident. You could witness it on our second date, it does add a lot to my incomfort.
Also, I have the feeling that I miss or don't understand a lot of signals.I will go again with an exemple with you. Last Saturday, when you were suddenly getting closer physically to me... I imagine that when you do this with other guys, you usually end up in bed with them. But I was so confused about your intentions and feelings that I didn't know what to do.It's not as if I didn't want us to go further... There again my lack of experience was holding me back. And I was afraid to do something inappropriate. That I would do something and that you would push me back.The fear of reject keeps me from doing things.
I think I covered everything. You must think I'm so pathetic.But what I wrote, that's me, what I am. With my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears.
Why do I feel the need to tell all this to someone and that this someone is you? I ignore it.But one thing is sure, it's that it reflects my need to be true and honest and to hide nothing. I feel that need a lot since I have come out. But often, that huge load of authenticity scares people away, I experience it at times ( I experience it with you even). I hope that you will still appreciate me after all. I really do hope so.