Coming out aphrodisiac

I don't think the brown haired dude needs any more aphrodisiac!!

As you know, I've been waiting to come out to my friend Jess for a long time now!  Since it was unwillingly stressing me out and that the action of coming out itself is stressful, I reflected on it and I wondered how I could calm myself down.  I needed an aphrodisiac to get me in the mood!!

I was probably very much influenced by the blog Gay Male Love, in which the blogger never stops talking about the beauty of men, of gay love and about embracing who we are.  When I go I on that blog, I feel always very good about who I am.  So, I decided that before my next coming out, I would watch some gay tumblrs that I like to get me in the mood!  Also I decided that in the critical moment befroe saying the words "I am gay", I would think of beautiful images of men.

Yesterday night, I thought I would come out to Jess.  I decided to invite her at my place to take a drink.  I was scared to call her because if she asked too many questions, I would become uncomfortable and it could break the deal (in my imagination).  Instead, I sent her a message on Facebook, hoping that she would read it soon enough.

She replied around 8 PM so I asked her if she wanted to come over for a drink.  She sayd she was already in bed, but that she could come the next day (today) after her appointment for her new haircut.  She said she'll be here at 4:15.  It's a deal and we continue to chat a bit about all and nothing and then she calls it quit.

So today, around 2PM, I begin to surf on various tumblrs and I feel good about what I see (!!)  At one point, I wonder if I jack off, but I decide not to, because it could "kill the magic"!!  So I just appreciate the view and I do not stress out about Jess.  It's a blessing that I didn't jack off, because she arrived an hour earlier, at 3:15!!  I think it would have thrown me way off guard if she would have ringed at the door while I was jacking off!!!

So I close the computer windows and I go welcome her.  I offer her her drink and we begin to chat a bit.  She asks me if there is something that I want to tell her and I say that I do want to tell her something.  However, we continue to talk about different things for about 10 minutes.  Then she asks me what is it that I wanted to tell her.  So I prepare to tell her (I don't remember if I tried to think about sexy men) and when I block, she sees that it is something serious and I finally tell her that I'm gay.

She starts to laugh candidly!!  I smile, not too sure why she laughs.  She says it's really nothing for her, it's as if I had told her that I had eaten spaghetti for lunch.  Also she sayas that since I had blocked, she knew I was not joking.  But if I had not blocked, she would have asked me if I was.

She tells me that she always had doubts about me.  It seemed to have been 50-50 in her head.  She says that although I have some virility, she wondered why I never had a girlfriend.  But at the same time, she ackowledges that her brother had his first girlfriend around the same age, so it was not a sure indicator.  Also, she thinks I have a too good taste in decoration and that the first time she saw the decoration in my house, was the first time that she really thought I could be gay.  I tell her that it is such a big stereotype!!  She says that it's impossible that the big macho guys can have such a taste.  I reply that there are big macho guys who happen to be gay!!

All in all, all that was said very candidly and it was all done respectfully.

She says that she's sure that it will be fine at work when I come out, since a lot of guys there already think that I'm gay!!  That was a surprise!  Jack had not told me that.  She says that people talk often about me and that the subject of me being possibly gay is a regular thing!!

I also learned that Jess, Jack and Janice have spent a lot of time at various occasions in the past trying to determine if I was gay or not!  Another surprise!!

I was surprised at that big interest that everyone had about me and she said that it's because I'm mysterious.  Jack had told me something similar.  I will believe them, however I will stay the same shy guy as before.  It's not because they now know that I'm gay that I will talk about everything at any occasion.  Jess and Jack both told me that they don't know much about my family...  that's because I don't have anything to talk about them, it's not because I want to hide them stuff.  I think they think that my life is much more fulfilled than it really is :)

Jess suggested that she would tell her boyfriend about me.  I asked her why and she said that she doesn't see me sitting with him and tell him that I gay.  I admit that I didn't see me do this neither and that I really don't know how I would have told him anyways.  So I acceped the offer.  I asked her how she thought he will react, and she said that she thinks he would say that he already knew!!! 

I really didn't know that everyone doubted so much about me and it made me laugh a lot.

She also told me that she had seen that something was going on between me and Jack and Janice, since we were much more distant than before.  I told her that it had nothing to do with me being gay, but I didn't want to explain her everything, so we didn't continue on the subject.

That's pretty much all I learned from her.  We talked about various things afterwards, mainly travels!

I was really happy that she took it like that and that she will also tell her boyfriend.  However I have asked her not to tell more people, because I want to control who knows before whom.

About the coming out aphrodisiac, I think it was a success to see beautiful images of men before she arrived, as it made me stay calm and happy.  I think it also had a positive effect on me during the 10 minutes that we talked before telling her I was gay.  However, I don't remember what happened when I told her I was gay, so I can't tell yet if it works at that specific moment (although I probably didn't think about sexy dudes...)

So it was another step forward!  Let's see what next week will bring!  I will go to the local gay group reunion next thursday!!

First anniversary

I've never counted the days before my anniversary, before the end of school, before Christmas...  I have never really cared about my anniversaries, but I do like to celebrates someone else's birthday.  I never know what to ask for gifts, I prefer to give than receive.

I guess there has never been any really meaningful moment in my own life that I wanted to celebrate.

Well, for weeks now I have been thinking of today.  The friday after Thanksgiving.  It actually happened on October 14th, but I lived the event as happening on the friday after Thanksgiving, so this is how I (mentally) circle the date on the calendar.

It was probably the most meaningful day of my life so far.  It's the day when I decided to and actually did let my guard down, get rid of my shell.  It's the day when I showed my true self for the first time (Read the story here if you have never read it).

I did mention a few months ago that looking back on past events, I was kinda desensitized to it. Well.... I can say today that realizing that a year ago, I was coming out to my parents, it makes me very emotional.  It's unfortunate that so many people can't understand what it is to come out to their parents, because it also means that they don't understand what it is to look back on it.  It's a beautiful thing to remember.  It's also meaningful:  it's the first time in my life that I care about an anniversary of mine.

I'm not sure if I'll do anything special to celebrate it, though.  I'm not sure it's necessary.  As I've already stated, coming out is a very personal process. So, I guess that celebrating it will also be a very personal moment.

Homophobic words getting unnoticed

Last Sunday I was at my parents' house before dinner.  My parents, my sister and her boyfriend as well as my brother were there.

During one of the discussions, my brother talks about an object that is weak, made cheap (I don't remember the object in question).  He finished by saying that the object in question is made fag (fif in french).  I look at him, not knowing how to react.  Then my sister replies: "Ah those fag things."  And it ends like that.  At this point I know that they don't want to hurt me or anything, but I don't know how to react.  It's the first time since I came out that a situation like that happens.  I don't want to do a scene, so I decide to delay my reaction.  I think about it a bit during the dinner, but it doesn't really affect me.  I just wonder what's going through everyone else's mind.

So on Tuesday, I sent a quick message to them on Facebook, saying:

Yo, it's not cool to use the word fag, even less to use it to describe something weak or cheap.  Have a good day!

Today, my sister replies:  "??"

So I detail how it happened.

Tonight, my brother calls me.  He says he wanted to call me yesterday but forgot.  He says he doesn't remember.  I recall the events again, but he says he doesn't remember.  He's clearly uncomfortable and he says he didn't mean to hurt me.  I tell him that I'm not mad or anything, but I just wanted them to know to pay attention to the words they use, because it's not OK to say what they have said. 

I have yet to hear again from my sister.

All I want to say (and all of you already know it I'm sure), is that even the well-intended can do something homophobic and the worst part of it is that they don't even realize it.  That's to prove how much homophobia is deeply instilled in our society...  Just a sad fact....

Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada.  As I've already said, it is not really celebrated around me, it's mostly a day off work!!

However, this year is the first year that I reflect on what I want to be thankful for.

A lot of things have changed in my life since last Thanksgiving.  A year ago, I was not out to anybody, yet I was preparing for my first coming out (I had actually planned on coming out to my parents on Thanksgiving night.... before backing up).

I am first thankful to me to have had that determination to go forward in my life and do the unimaginable.  I am thankful for the lucidity I had to realize that I was not so sure of who I was after coming out to my parents.  I am thankful to have done what was necessary to dig in my soul to understand who I was.  I am of course thankful to my parents for their acceptance of me.  I am thankful to the internet to have made me discover a lot of things about homosexuality and to have found people like me.  I am thankful to my counsellor for helping me connect with my emotions.  I am thankful to my cousin Sandy for being so exceptional.  I am thankful to my friend Jack for still being the same friend.  I am thankful to have created this blog and met a lot of great people through it and even becoming friends with some of them.  I am thankful for this new network that I don't think I could live without it, now that I have it.

All in all, I'm thankful for the progress I've made during the last year.

I wonder what I'll be thankful for next year :)

Refriending

Since the events with Janice and the night when Jack and I got a big talk, I've been much less involved in our group of friends.  I usually go to Jack's 2-3 times a week.  In the last month I have only gone there once...  Since Janice was mad at me, I didn't want to create awkward situations.

I was still seeing Jack at work, but not Janice.  Being absent from Jack's also meant that I was seeing Jessica (the girl I want to come out to) less.

A day at work this week, Jessica asked me: "What's new in your life??"  I was a bit shocked, since what was new was that I wanted to come out to her, but it was not a great idea to say it at that moment!!  I asked her why she asked me that, because she's never really asked me this kind of questions.  She said that we were seeing each other a lot less and that she was missing me a bit!  After that we did some small talk.

It stayed like that for the rest of the week.  Yesterday night, I was feeling good and I wanted to invite her at my house to tell her what's new in my life!  I messaged her on Facebook asking what she's doing.  She said she's drinking wine with friends and invites me to join them.  Since she didn't mention their name, I thought I didn't know her friends and at first I say that I will pass.  But soon after, I realize that it would be good for me to party a bit.  So I tell her that I may change my mind and I ask her if I know her friends.  She says that I know them very well.  I thought surely Jack and Janice were there, but I will go anyways.  It's not me who doesn't want to talk to Janice, it's her who doesn't want to talk to me.  So I'll go and if she doesn't want to talk to me, she just has to not talk to me.

So I go and when I arrive there's Jessica and her boyfriend, Jack, Janice and a couple of other friends that I also know.  I had brought a bottle of wine and soon the talk comes to know if we open my bottle or if I drink what's already open.  To my surprise, Janice offers me very nicely to drink her wine.  I accept and it is very good (there's oh so few wines I don't like LOL).  She's been nice with me all night long but we didn't get in any discussion together.  At least I was happy to see that we can be in the same party without making things awkward.

The night went really well, I had a huge blast!!  I got a lenghty discussion with Jack and it was like old times!  It was the first party we had together since I came out to him and it's true that it doesn't change a thing for him that I'm gay.  At one point he told that it had been a long time that we didn't have fun like that together and I totally agreed.  It was a little bromantic moment between us and it was really cool!

A little later, I engaged in a discussion about music with Jessica and the guy from the other couple.  Somehow, Jess sayd I'm really funny and she said a couple of times things like "It had been a while!"  I felt so appreciated and loved from Jess and previously Jack.  It was a great change of pace from the previous weeks!  Jess was especially happy too and was probably at her funniest I've seen her like forever...  She even slapped my arm and belly a few times when I was being silly.  She's usually so prude she doesn't want to touch anybody.

All in all, it was just a great night!!  I was really not in a state to drive, so I asked the other couple if they would take me home, since they live near from me.  They accepted and I left my car there.  It was the price to be able to sleep in my confy bed (I really didn't want to sleep on a couch!).  On the way home, I got to talk with them and their little daughter who is just so adorable.  I don't think I've ever seen a little girl more adorable than her!  It was a good way to end this evening.

I didn't come out, but I had a great time.  I'm still carless this morning, so I need to find a way to get my car back!!

Clean cut, awesome and comfy!!

OK, I don't know what you're thinking about, but I just want to say that I got my hair cut tonight and I feel really sexy ;)

In other news, I'm sleeping in a new bed and mattress since last saturday and it is awesome!!  I've never slept on a new mattress before... But this one is new and I chose it and it's sooooo comfy!! Thanks me!!

What kind of lover am I?

That's the question I asked myself this morning while in the shower (!!)

The first thing that popped in my mind was "playful".  I want a relationship to be fun, so I expect myself to be joyful, teasing, mischievious at times, teasing, jester...

I also see myself being tender, loving, caring, cajoling,  using my hands and mouth a lot to touch my man and show him I love him.

I don't think I'm really jealous, but I will need a minimum daily dose of attention and love or I'll think my man is not interested in me.

I will want us to complete and surprise each other.

I will want us to be very into each other, to be intimate.  I will love as much to give him love and pleasure as I will receive it from him.

This is what I think I am.  I can't wait to see how I will unfold!!