Saturday, October 13, 2012
Coming out aphrodisiac
I don't think the brown haired dude needs any more aphrodisiac!!
As you know, I've been waiting to come out to my friend Jess for a long time now! Since it was unwillingly stressing me out and that the action of coming out itself is stressful, I reflected on it and I wondered how I could calm myself down. I needed an aphrodisiac to get me in the mood!!
I was probably very much influenced by the blog Gay Male Love, in which the blogger never stops talking about the beauty of men, of gay love and about embracing who we are. When I go I on that blog, I feel always very good about who I am. So, I decided that before my next coming out, I would watch some gay tumblrs that I like to get me in the mood! Also I decided that in the critical moment befroe saying the words "I am gay", I would think of beautiful images of men.
Yesterday night, I thought I would come out to Jess. I decided to invite her at my place to take a drink. I was scared to call her because if she asked too many questions, I would become uncomfortable and it could break the deal (in my imagination). Instead, I sent her a message on Facebook, hoping that she would read it soon enough.
She replied around 8 PM so I asked her if she wanted to come over for a drink. She sayd she was already in bed, but that she could come the next day (today) after her appointment for her new haircut. She said she'll be here at 4:15. It's a deal and we continue to chat a bit about all and nothing and then she calls it quit.
So today, around 2PM, I begin to surf on various tumblrs and I feel good about what I see (!!) At one point, I wonder if I jack off, but I decide not to, because it could "kill the magic"!! So I just appreciate the view and I do not stress out about Jess. It's a blessing that I didn't jack off, because she arrived an hour earlier, at 3:15!! I think it would have thrown me way off guard if she would have ringed at the door while I was jacking off!!!
So I close the computer windows and I go welcome her. I offer her her drink and we begin to chat a bit. She asks me if there is something that I want to tell her and I say that I do want to tell her something. However, we continue to talk about different things for about 10 minutes. Then she asks me what is it that I wanted to tell her. So I prepare to tell her (I don't remember if I tried to think about sexy men) and when I block, she sees that it is something serious and I finally tell her that I'm gay.
She starts to laugh candidly!! I smile, not too sure why she laughs. She says it's really nothing for her, it's as if I had told her that I had eaten spaghetti for lunch. Also she sayas that since I had blocked, she knew I was not joking. But if I had not blocked, she would have asked me if I was.
She tells me that she always had doubts about me. It seemed to have been 50-50 in her head. She says that although I have some virility, she wondered why I never had a girlfriend. But at the same time, she ackowledges that her brother had his first girlfriend around the same age, so it was not a sure indicator. Also, she thinks I have a too good taste in decoration and that the first time she saw the decoration in my house, was the first time that she really thought I could be gay. I tell her that it is such a big stereotype!! She says that it's impossible that the big macho guys can have such a taste. I reply that there are big macho guys who happen to be gay!!
All in all, all that was said very candidly and it was all done respectfully.
She says that she's sure that it will be fine at work when I come out, since a lot of guys there already think that I'm gay!! That was a surprise! Jack had not told me that. She says that people talk often about me and that the subject of me being possibly gay is a regular thing!!
I also learned that Jess, Jack and Janice have spent a lot of time at various occasions in the past trying to determine if I was gay or not! Another surprise!!
I was surprised at that big interest that everyone had about me and she said that it's because I'm mysterious. Jack had told me something similar. I will believe them, however I will stay the same shy guy as before. It's not because they now know that I'm gay that I will talk about everything at any occasion. Jess and Jack both told me that they don't know much about my family... that's because I don't have anything to talk about them, it's not because I want to hide them stuff. I think they think that my life is much more fulfilled than it really is :)
Jess suggested that she would tell her boyfriend about me. I asked her why and she said that she doesn't see me sitting with him and tell him that I gay. I admit that I didn't see me do this neither and that I really don't know how I would have told him anyways. So I acceped the offer. I asked her how she thought he will react, and she said that she thinks he would say that he already knew!!!
I really didn't know that everyone doubted so much about me and it made me laugh a lot.
She also told me that she had seen that something was going on between me and Jack and Janice, since we were much more distant than before. I told her that it had nothing to do with me being gay, but I didn't want to explain her everything, so we didn't continue on the subject.
That's pretty much all I learned from her. We talked about various things afterwards, mainly travels!
I was really happy that she took it like that and that she will also tell her boyfriend. However I have asked her not to tell more people, because I want to control who knows before whom.
About the coming out aphrodisiac, I think it was a success to see beautiful images of men before she arrived, as it made me stay calm and happy. I think it also had a positive effect on me during the 10 minutes that we talked before telling her I was gay. However, I don't remember what happened when I told her I was gay, so I can't tell yet if it works at that specific moment (although I probably didn't think about sexy dudes...)
So it was another step forward! Let's see what next week will bring! I will go to the local gay group reunion next thursday!!