Sunday, July 1, 2012

Back to the present

For the first time since I started my blog, something important happened to me today.  So I will break the linearity of my story to jump to what happened today.

I came out to my cousin Sandy.  It was important for me because we share a special bond.  We respect and understand each other very well.  She has been my confident for many years.  We talked about almost everything together from our careers, our objectives and also about religion.  She is a believer and I'm not; that has always produced some very intersting conversations.  But even if we don't share our beliefs, we always respect each other.  The only subjects we never talked about was sexuality.  Needless to say that I preferred it that way at the time.

These last years we got a bit more distant, but we've still managed to keep our bond solid.  So it was important for me that she would be the next to know after my family.  I was scared about it, because I didn't know what she thought about homosexuality.  In my mind she would be either comprehensive or accusative.  I really didn't know where she would stand.

So I went to see her this afternoon.  There was a lot of people in her apartment and many things were happening, so I couldn't get to be private with her.  At one point she got to bed because she was really exhausted from her busy last days.  When she got up, I went to see her and asked her if she wanted to take a walk.  She replied that she was going to ask me the same thing.  We smiled.  (We both knew that we were both missing our conversations so that was not a surprise)

We left for a walk in a nearby park.  We talked about many things in the first 45 minutes or so.  Then as we were getting closer to going back to her apartment.  I knew that I had to do it.  My throat and tongue became dry and I was having difficulty with my breath.  As we kept walking side by side, I began:

Me:  Sandy, I have to tell you something, but it's difficult to do.
Sandy: OK
Me: It's really hard to tell and I'm getting emotional, but I want you to know that I'm OK, it's just really  hard.
(long pause)
Me: I'm gay.

We were still side by side and I had not watched her yet.  I turned to face her and she was also facing me with a very shocked look in her face.  She had not expected that!!  She didn't seem scandalized, but I told her that I didn't know what she thought on the subject and what she understood her religion said about it.  She answered that I was still her cousin and that it wouldn't change everything anything for her.  I was already crying and I told her "Thank you".  She got closer and she hugged me.

We resumed our walk and talked openly and respectfully about it.  I was really intrigued about what her religious beliefs are concerning homosexuality.  We sat on a bench and began a very interesting discussion on the subject.  She told me that for her it was a sin, but that she didn't judge me.  We were both arguing against each others previous argument.  At one point she told me: "I don't want our different views to bring cold between us."  I told her that it would not because we have always respected our different views and that it was the same thing this time around, even if it had become much more personal.   It probably lasted another 45 minutes and it was the first such long conversation that I've had about my homosexuality.  I couldn't be more confortable than with her and I'm glad we had this discussion.  It turns out that she thinks that I won't go to Heaven. But she doesn't reject me, that's good enough for me!!  I don't know if God and Heaven exist, but if they do, I don't think that my homosexuality will force God to close the doors of Heaven before me.

She told me one more interesting thing.  She said she's glad that I didn't tell her 10 years ago, because she would probably have been much less comprehensive.  I told her that we both didn't have the maturity that we have today and we have both evolved.  It seems that the confidence had to be built.

Once we got back to her apartment, I was ready to leave.  She gave me a big hug and a big smile.  I was genuinely smiling when I closed the door.


  1. I'm glad the conversation went so well for you. Those kinds of experiences can always be frightening to go into. Sounds like Sandy is a wonderful woman, though.

    Of course, she also sounds like the kind of woman who will probably end up struggling with the implications of what she believes now that it's become so personal.

    1. Thanks for your words. I don't think she will struggle with it. She told me that homosexuality was a sin like so many other sins. So she reckons that there are a lot of sinners. She probably also thinks that all our cousins are sinners because they have pre-marital sex. She learned me that according to her beliefs, she can judge only those people who have the same faith as her. So it means that she won't judge me. (I was surprised by that fact, but I'll take it)

      We're used to disagree on many subjects because of her religious views. She knows that she won't change what I think and I know that I won't change her faith. We both respect that. Love is bigger than religion between us.

      But I can't guarantee what the future will bring between us, but I'm sure she'll share her struggles with me if that happens.

  2. JF, I happy the experience of telling your cousin about your sexuality went so well.

    I'm also glad to hear that she, as a fundamental Christians, has grown in understanding and in the ability to be non judgmental about your homosexuality.

    I truly believe that God works in very mysterious ways. It could be that as she thinks about your homosexuality and that you are still the same cousin she has loved all these years, she will see that God still loves you as much as she does.

    She's already right about one thing that fundamentalists usually do not understand. In the sight of God the sin of pride or lying or any other sin we think of as "little" is the same as the sin of murder. With God there are no small or large sins, just sin.

    In my view and the view of many other liberal Christians, homosexuality is not sin at all. It is, in fact, a gift of God.

    Thanks for sharing this turning point in your life.

    Jack Scott