Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The ways I act
I have hardly managed to understand more what was going through Janice's head and why she thought I was straight.
It turns out that many people around her, who have seen us together, told her to be careful with me because they thought that I was in love with her. She, herself, had some doubts, but the fact that many people told her the same thing, it made her believe it more.
Of course, as it is always the case with Janice, I don't know what made all these people and herself think that. But at this point, I don't want to know because it is clearly a subject that Janice wants to avoid.
So how did I act? What did I say? What looks did I put on her? All I know is that I always try to be polite with everyone. Has politeness become open-cruising in here?? Also I do sometimes compliment her, but can't we do that between friends?? It seems that the male-women friendships' limits are different for everyone.
Now I know that I have had feelings for women in the past. But I also know that I never had these feelings for Janice. She's my friend, but it would never go further than that for me. Just living 2 days together would be a nightmare! There are too many irreconciliable differences between us for me to fall in love with her. As a friend it's ok, but I would never accept that for a lover.
I have mixed feelings about the fact that so many people thought I was in love with her. I have always liked to prove people wrong. People are so keen to judge so I just love it when I can put it back in their face that their judgement was wrong. Most people will so easily judge, but will so hardly try to understand. This is something that is really annoying for me. However, this time around, I'm not sure if I like it this much. It's not a simple thing... we're talking about love here. How can people be so wrong about me? I know there are things that I have hidden, but I don't know... I think there are things that I'll never truly understand.
Is it me or the kind of thoughts that I'm having right now are usually those of teenagers who are beginning to explore who they are, where they fit in this world, how to interact with others?? If so, it's probably a good thing, but it's also scary...