Saturday, September 7, 2013
It feels so wrong. It feels so wrong. It's wrong. I feel sick.
I have kept in touch with J these last 2 weeks ( following my not sending the letter). We even met last Sunday. I joined him in the evening and we went out for a bit before going back to his place. I had no expectations at all. Correction: I hoped to get a bit closer to him, but kinda NSA. I didn't really want to have sex with him but I would have been happy to at least spend the night cuddling with him. However I didn't want to start to have feelings for him, because I don't think he has any for me.
We were on the couch, I was watching tv and he was doing stuff on his laptop. We were slowly getting closer. When he said he was going to bed he invited me and I accepted. We got into bed and prepared to sleep. We cuddled and spooned at various moments of the night and following morning. it felt good.
Around 10 we got up and I went back home. He called me a a few times during the next days and I felt like I was managing things and my emotions pretty well.
Last night though, he posted a pic on Facebook of him and another guy, cuddling on his bed.
It did affect me. I felt a bit of pain. Not so intense, cause I am not in love with him. But I do like him. And I still had hopes that we were slowly going to be together.
But, what bothers me the most is that relationship feels so wrong to me. He had talked to me about this guy, I know who he is. He had told me things about him, things that would prevent J to seek a relationship with that guy. That's why it feels so wrong. It's almost as if they are together only for sex. ( apparently sex with that guy is great). Maybe J changed his mind too. I have no idea. The timing of the pic posting is also quite surprising, as it happened in a matter of days after J's ex-boyfriend went single again. I wonder if he is playing a game on him, or why not on me?
So anyways, it feels wrong and it affected me last night. I unfortunately took pills to sleep yesterday to make sure I could at least have a good sleep. When I woke up this morning one of the first things that popped on my mind is that famous pic. That's all I see or when I don't see him, I imagine them having sex and it's worst. I feel sick.
I feel empty and sick and I want to cuddle. But I'm alone. Alone with these images in my head :(. At least I'm glad that I had stayed cautious with him, because it would hurt much more. But then I'm thinking that maybe I was too cautious and that's the reason why he lost interest in me, if he ever had any....