Friday, August 31, 2012
There has been a huge flow of new reader on my blog today, thanks to Matt and Brad. I suppose it will be crazy like that for a few more hours!!
To every new reader, I hope your first visit won't be your last. I really enjoy seeing new people on my blog and I hope you will take some time to express yourself on the various posts on my blog. Don't worry if you comment on an old post, I will read them all and probably answer to most of them.
I want to make a special request to all the "straight" readers. Please please please express yourself. Your input can surely make my blog being a place where we can learn more from the gay world from the inside, but also from the outside!
Thank you everyone
Sunday, August 26, 2012
I have to admit that my life before coming out and my coming outs themselves were pretty trouble-free. My sexual orientation has never (in my memory) made me feel really bad about myself.
What has troubled me the most in the past and what is really troubling me now, is interpersonal relationships. In the recent months, I have begun to notice that I think differently from about everyone around me. It was troubling me, but not to a point to almost have a break-down. But now I think I'm on a verge of a break-down.
It is not related to my sexual orientation, but it has been caused by talking to my friends after coming out to them. To make a long story short, I already knew that I was thinking differently from my friends, but it slapped me in the face yesterday night: They don't understand what I do and I don't understand their reactions to what I do. Since yesterday night, I feel disoriented and very emotionnally fragile.
I have never felt this way when I was dealing to accept my homosexuality or when I prepared to come out. So, somehow, it is tougher now.
So if I can give any advice to people who are preparing to come out:
- Even if your friends are OK with your orientation, it can still cause conflicts.
- Sometimes the people with who you think it will be easier, they end up being the ones with whom it is tougher. Don't take anything for granted.
- Expect the unexpected. Your friends may also have hidden things from you in the past that could change your friendship.
- Even if you do something that seems really logical to you, some people may not get what you're doing or going through.
- It is possible that you won't understand your friend's reaction. Be prepared for that.
- People may think that you've betrayed them by hiding your orientation to them. Some people are so ok with homosexuality that they don't realize that it is still a hard thing to accept and to tell them.
- You may feel totally disoriented.
That's where I'm at right now, but it seems like I can't resolve the problem with anyone because it is not specifically related to anyone. So I'm waiting.... waiting for time to heal me or to give me the key to successful interpersonal relationships.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Revealed ignorance can be pretty funny.
In the past, whenever I would hear or read about gay saunas, what I had in my had a giant finnish sauna. So, when I read that people were engaging in sexual activities in a gay sauna, I thought they were doing it in the finnish sauna.
This week I went for the first time in a (non-gay) spa and sauna center. The first place I went was the finnish sauna. Oh shit!!! It was so hot. I was sweating like a pig and within 2 or 3 minutes I was totally wet and trying not to move in order to not pass out!! It's then that I thought about the gay saunas.... I could not conceive people having sex in such a place! The last thing I would want to do in a finnish sauna is to have sex! Also, since I suffer from high blood pressure, it is not recommended to be exposed to such heat and even less to raise my pulse. It would make me feel nauseous and I think I could pass out. So I really didn't understand how people could have sex in such an environment!!
I was definitely not this happy and comfortable.
Fortunately, the rest of the visit was spent in less extreme conditions. Back home, I decided to learn more about gay saunas. So I checked on the internet and found a very elaborated page on wikipedia. I realized how ignorant I was and I was relieved to know that the sex didn't happen in the finnish sauna, but generally in "normal-heated" rooms (since sex is usually not allowed in common areas). It makes much more sense to me now!! I'm happy I didn't talk about it to anyone before knowing the truth or I would have looked really silly!!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I have hardly managed to understand more what was going through Janice's head and why she thought I was straight.
It turns out that many people around her, who have seen us together, told her to be careful with me because they thought that I was in love with her. She, herself, had some doubts, but the fact that many people told her the same thing, it made her believe it more.
Of course, as it is always the case with Janice, I don't know what made all these people and herself think that. But at this point, I don't want to know because it is clearly a subject that Janice wants to avoid.
So how did I act? What did I say? What looks did I put on her? All I know is that I always try to be polite with everyone. Has politeness become open-cruising in here?? Also I do sometimes compliment her, but can't we do that between friends?? It seems that the male-women friendships' limits are different for everyone.
Now I know that I have had feelings for women in the past. But I also know that I never had these feelings for Janice. She's my friend, but it would never go further than that for me. Just living 2 days together would be a nightmare! There are too many irreconciliable differences between us for me to fall in love with her. As a friend it's ok, but I would never accept that for a lover.
I have mixed feelings about the fact that so many people thought I was in love with her. I have always liked to prove people wrong. People are so keen to judge so I just love it when I can put it back in their face that their judgement was wrong. Most people will so easily judge, but will so hardly try to understand. This is something that is really annoying for me. However, this time around, I'm not sure if I like it this much. It's not a simple thing... we're talking about love here. How can people be so wrong about me? I know there are things that I have hidden, but I don't know... I think there are things that I'll never truly understand.
Is it me or the kind of thoughts that I'm having right now are usually those of teenagers who are beginning to explore who they are, where they fit in this world, how to interact with others?? If so, it's probably a good thing, but it's also scary...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Tonight I went to talk to Janice. One of the things I wanted to ask her was why were you so sure that I was straight??
She offered me some kind of answer, because she's always elusive when I ask her to get more precise about what she thinks (that's really a big negative side of her). It had already happened a couple of times in the past in non-sexual related subjects.
So from what I get, it's more by default than anything. She said she often wondered why I didn't have a girlfriend and the possibility that I was gay came to her mind, but it's really not a perfect indicator. So she thought I was straight. Two summers ago, we had gone to the beach and she said she was studying me. When beautiful girls would walk in front of me, she studied how I would react. I didn't react much. So she studied how I reacted when beautiful guys did the same, but she says I didn't react neither !! (haha!!) So she was very confused. She told me that afterwards she said to her boyfriend Jack: Is JF an alien?? He didn't look to neither men nor women?!? Jack had answered that she was too curious and that he didn't mind! So she still thought that I was straight.
I laughed so much when she told me that. I told her that I was not alien, but that I was probably hindering myself from looking too much at the guys. I can't believe I managed to fool her!!! I can't believe I was so successful at it. (Now I suspect that she'll watch me whenever she sees a guy to find out what's my type of guys)
She told me that, even if she recognizes that it has no correlation, the fact that she thinks I'm not virile enough (1), made her question herself about me. But it was rightfully not enough to make her think that I was gay.
Apart from that, she told me that she was really happy for me to accept who I am and I sincerely believe her. But she told me that she will now probably be less open to me. I didn't understand, I told her that if she was a guy, it would make more sense, because we often see guys who are afraid that their gay friend is attracted to them.... but what's the matter with her?? I tried to understand but once again she was too evasive. Seriously, how can it change our friendship?? I don't see what is the kind of things that she used to tell me that she won't tell me now?? Am I just not getting women?? If so I'm really happy to be gay haha.
So Janice is not done with me, I won't give up on her. I want to know what's going on in her head.
(1) For Janice, any man less manly than Jason Statham is not virile!! She's always teased me telling that I was not virile enough for her, but I know that it's not the truth. She does think that I am virile, but she has a lot of difficulty to admit that she finds a guy like me virile. She's a special character!
About 2 months ago, I decided to take a sneek peak at online dating. I was not ready to really do it, but I was curious to see how things work there. On many dating sites, you have to fully complete your profile before seeing anything and I didn't really want to do that. Happily, for one of the dating sites that seems appreciated for relationships, OKCupid, you don't need to fill everything to be able to sneek peak. I really just filled some basic things. I didn't upload a pic and I didn't answer the questions like what do you do on friday nights or what are the 6 things you can't live without. But I did answer at least 30 questions.
So, it's not a surprise that nobody has contacted me and I'm fine with it. But, I am still able to see guys of interest to me. Last week I saw a guy who seems very interesting. We like the same activities and our tempers seem to go along. (we're 90% match, 90% friend and 0% ennemy). Also, he's sexy ;)
So.... I'm thinking of going further in my online dating experience. I'll begin by answering more questions to see how we still may get well along. Of course other guys could pop up as interesting, so that will be interesting to see.
If anyone has tips or advices for a newbie like me, they are very welcome.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Really cool to see South Africa up there
There seems to be a lot of talk lately concerning marriage equality. It seems that a lot of american states are deciding to legalize or not gay marriage. But is it the right debate? (or fight ?)
Don't get me wrong, I fully support marriage equality. But, it seems that the arguments in favor of gay marriage are actually arguments in favor of gay acceptance or "gay-understanding". It seems to me that in the bottom of their heart, "anti-gay" people simply hate the gay thing more than gay marriage. Let's think about it: if I was walking on the street with my boyfriend and that we were bullied for being gay, would I say: "Wait a minute, we're not married!!" and walk away with it ? I don't think so.
What I want to say is that while marriage equality is good for gay people, that's not what will make change anti-gay people's mind. Gay marriage legalization probably angers them more. To me, right now, it seems that gay acceptance and gay education is what's more needed to make a better society.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Well, not much!! That's why I haven't made any substantial post in a while. I think for now I don't neeed to come out to more people. What I want is to talk to my friends. I want them to know more of me and I want to be honest with them. I think it will bring a lot of interesting moments. Also, I look forward to solidifying my friendships. This is something I could never have done before coming out, so I want to enjoy this. Also I think I would like to spend some time with my brother. I would like to know what's going through his mind. All in all I want to do some follow-up after my coming outs. It's weird but as great as it is that my homosexuality is accepted, I'm a bit disappointed that it hasn't raised more questions. Maybe they're unsure on how to approach it, so I think I have to make the first steps.
As soon as I'll have something to share I'll do it and I also plan on exploring different topics / issues about homosexuality. I have a few thought in mind, but I need to reflect on them.
In the meantime, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to comment on this post or previous posts.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
I have not yet told the story of how I came out to my brother and sister, so here it is. It happened in may/june , after I had decided to stop my visits to the sex counselor. I was OK with being gay, but somewhat bisexual and I didn't need to stop myself from coming out anymore.
The first opportunity came with my brother, a night that he had to come over at my house. I wanted to use that opportunity, but I was unexpectedly rushed because he told me that his girlfriend was waiting for him at the grocery store. So I managed to keep him a bit longer and it was awkward because I was trying to tell him that I had been through rough times, trying to make him understand that what he was living was not too bad. So I was a bit too mysterious and I had to spill it out. Once it was too awkward I said: "I have something to tell you....... I'm gay."
Of course he was surprised, but he immediately tried to get to know more about it. So we got to talk a bit, but not for too long, because his girlfriend kept texting him to go get her!! But it was great to talk about it to him, because I was much more comfortable than with my parents. I was actually pretty much smiling the whole time. It's also a bit easier for me to talk about a lot of things to my siblings than my parents, so all in all, it was a good experience.
A few weeks later, I had not had an opportunity with my sister. So I decided to dive and sent her an email explaining that I wanted her to come see me that night. She rapidly responded basically saying what's going on ?? I couldn't tell her and she didn't want to come over because she had too much work. In the end she told me that the next night she would be available after work. It was kind of a bummer, because I had spinned the wheel and I would have to keep it spinning for 24 hours more than expected.
So we meet the next day after work at my house. After some small talk, we go to the living room and she asks: "So what is your big mystery ??" I didn't want to make it as awkward as with my brother, so I said: " I want to go straight to the point so (small pause)(*) I'm gay." The (*) marks the brief moment where she wanted to say something, but before she could I had finished my sentence. She said: "OK" with a very bizarre face (you know when the head steps back a bit and the eyes grow wider...). She told me that there was no problem, that shew knew 2 girls who were lesbian. I talked a bit about how it had went with my parents. I told her that I was really stressed before doing so and she said " Come on, it's accepeted now...You shouldn't have been so stressed." Well , that's easier said than done !!
I told her that I wanted a boyfriend eventually and she told me that with the summer upon us, it was a good time to find one. I replied that I was not ready yet, but it was cool to see that she was ready for that.
Our discussion didn't last long, because she had a dinner with her boyfriend and some friends. But all in all I think it's OK that we didn't talk about it a lot because I wanted to get over it and change my mind a bit after that.
So things were pretty cool with both my brother and sister and I couldn't complain. The next step for me was to tell my cousin Sandy, but I have already recalled these events.
I love to read what you have to say so please don't be shy!