The V Card

That's an interesting way to talk about one's virginity.  There's no equivalent expression in French, so I find it a bit amusing !

When I recalled the event, I think I didn't really explain what made me decide to lose my virginity.  I suppose its because it is not something that had really been mind-bogging me (which even surprises me!).

I believe the usual thinking is either :

- someone who really wants to wait for THE right person to do it
or
- someone who just wants to do it as soon as possible.

In both cases, it seems to be a really big "event".

Somehow, it really didn't seem that big to me...  I really wonder to know how this is possible.  That's coming from the same guy who took a long time before kissing the guy he was dating....  I've always known I was weird, but I think I have reached new summits!! haha!!

It is not something that I have anticipated or feared.  I didn't even make scenarios of the way I wanted it to happen.  I didn't even know which one I wanted to do first: top or bottom?  But in the weeks leading to it, I did begin to wonder which I wanted to do first, as I felt it was going to happen.  I guess I was a bit more intrigued about bottoming...  I'm not really sure why I chose to bottom in the end.  Maybe I figured that since I was the inexperienced one, I would let Flyman top me.

I know that I didn't have the strongest feelings for him.  But, with every date, we would get closer physically and more intimate.  Yes, I could have decided to wait for someone I did have feelings for to get "beamed up" for the first time (LOL I had to remind everyone of that expression!!).  But I thought that doing it with A good guy would be enough. 

When it was happening, I didn't really feel that something very important was happening.  It was just the continuity of what we had been doing during our previous dates.

It's a bit weird... I don't know what to think about it!!  Why was it so "unimportant" to me??

Anyways, like you know, it didn't last long and neither of us had time to have fun....  So somehow, it kinda doesn't count...  but I did have a penis beamed up my butt...  So I lost my V Card.  But I feel like I still have it.  But it's not as if it was super important to me!!  Anyways, I still haven't put my penis in another guy's butt, so I'm still a virgin somehow !! 

I don't know how my post "sounds" like, but I want to reassure you that I'm not desperate or anything, this whole thing makes me smile more than anything!!

Completing the story: How I met Flyman

I suppose the only thing I haven't said about Flyman and I is how we met.

It began a Saturday evening.  I was really bored at home and I was reflecting on the whole dating / going to gay bar / meeting guys thing.  At first I was trying to find a gay bar in a nearby city.  After about an hour of research (or maybe really less....  it was a really boring evening!),  it turned out that there was only one, which happens to be in my own town (I already knew that it existed, but I didn't know that there was none in the nearby towns.)

Somehow I decided to check some dating sites that I had been suggested to watch.  I went for the first time on Gay411 and saw that there were lots of guys from my town!  Finally!!!  Of course, many are totally out of my age range, others are couples, others just want sex.... so it brought the number down for potential meetings.  But I was happy to finally find a place where there are gay guys from my town.  After unsuccessfull attemps on other dating sites, I was beginning to think that there was no other gay guy in my town!  Also, there were lots of guys from nearby towns so it was just good.

I created my account, but unfortunately, I had to wait max 48 hours to have it activated.  The next morning, I saw that it was activated and that I had received a few messages already.  I chatted with a guy during the day, but there was not much enthousiam from neither of us I think.

Later that evening, another guy started chatting with me.  It was Flyman.  We got along well from the start and we found out that we had lots of things in common (looking back at it, those things were not so important to start any kind of relationship, but it was a starting point I guess!!)

He wanted to meet me the same night!  I disagreed and said it was too early.  In the end, we agreed on going dinner together the next Tuesday night.

You know the rest of the story.  In the meantime, I received very few messages on Gay411, but I have to admit that I didn't really want to meet other guys while I was dating Flyman.

Now that it's over between the 2 of us, I'm still not focused on trying to meet other guys.  I've been telling myself that I needed to have my mind clear about my health before meeting other guys.  But at the same time, I just hope that I am not lying to myself and building a wall around my heart....

Leaving him

I have already mentionned that I was unsure of my feelings for Flyman.  We got to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot in the week after the condom broke.  I ended up realizing that my heart didn't beat for him.

We got to meet the next saturday. I told him that I was definitely not having feelings for him.  He took it well, even if he had told me that his own feelings were growing for me.  I ended up sleeping at his place again, because I was too tired to go back home.  He tried again to be closer to me, but this time, I was really cold.  Not in a mean way.  Just that I had drawn the line in my head that it was over between us.  He accepted it and let me sleep.

I have to say it felt weird to be beside him and not feel his warmth.  The intimate connexion was lost and I missed it.  Someone told me later it was the empty nest syndrome.  I thought it was a pretty accurate feeling.  The intimacy and the warmth of his hand on my chest is definitely what I miss the most about being with Flyman.

I can't say I have been sad of leaving him.  I suppose it was due to happen.  I swore to him that I wanted to keep him as a friend.  However, I need time to let that happen....  Sadly it hurts him that I do not want to see him yet, but I can't just pretend that nothing happened and I have not totally moved on about all the emotions that hit me.  I suppose I won't move on until after we are settled concerning our health.

I was talking about my story with Flyman with another guy in the chat room, and he told me that I should always follow my heart. I replied that it is what I had done.  He said : "No, you listened to your head when you decided to let things go when you were not sure of your feelings".  I realized that he was right.  I had decided with my head, not my heart.  If I had listened to my heart, the relationship would have lasted a lot shorter.

I'm not sure if it's good or bad to listen to my head?? I really don't.  But my view of myself is challenged.  I thought I was listening to my heart but I was not always.  I really don't know what to think about it. But, I'm not sure I need an answer right now....

Erotic and sexual dreams

I don't about you, but it seems like I really don't do these very often.  At least, I don't remember them when I wake up.  I have woken up only 4 times in my life, remembering an erotic dream!!  And the first one happened about a year ago, when I was seeing the sex counsellor. 

It was really a weird dream (what dream isn't?!)  I was with my sister's best (girl)friend.  We were kissing and licking our faces like crazy.  So much that thinking about it no, it was really disgusting haha!!  Then after a while, my penis had just entered the girl, only to realize that we didn't have a condom.  So we looked around, I saw my sister and asked her to go get a condom for us.  While waiting for her to come back, we were just there, waiting....  then I woke up.

The second dream happened about 3 weeks ago!  I was with a girl (again!) I had met at university and I had met her again the weekend prior to that, so I suppose it may explain why I dreamt of her.  In the dream, we were in a bed, making love, but there was always someone entering the room, doing stuff and leaving, without really bothering what we were doing.  And we were not really worried neither.  I'm not sure how it ended, but there was nothing extraordinary happening!

The 3rd dream happened 2 nights ago.  I was with a group of (unknown) guys at some sort of beach.  I was having small talk with one of the guys and at one moment I told him that if he didn't stop what he was doing (don't remember what it was), I was going to jump on him.  He didn't stop and... I jumped on him.  We kissed and "fucked" (I don't like the word, but that's really what we were doing) vigurously for a long time, then I woke up.

The 4th dream happened last night!! (I'm on a roll hehe!)  It started as I was at my parents and I was with Jack and we had to get in a car in the cold winter.  Then, we were suddenly in a basement and I was with another guy I work with (really sexy with an awesome voice!!) and we were laying side by side.  I was actually facing his back.  We were really close and I was feeling myself getting harder.  I was thinking that I couldn't get hard because I didn't want him to know I think he's really hot.  At one point I joked and played with his hair and he didn't seem to like.  I pulled away from him a bit to make sure he would not feel me poking in his back.  But a bit after that, he would turn and face me and I had really a lot of sexual tension in me.  The situation was really exciting but I knew I couldn't do anything with him.  And... I woke up!! 

Even if nothing happened, it was really my most intense erotic dream (not that there is a lot to choose from!!)  And the first time with a guy I'm attracted to.

This post doesn't really have a purpose, but I thought it would be a welcome change of pace.  What about your own erotic dreams????

Where is the sadness?

The first few days after the accident were quite weird.  Fear, anxiety, despair, disbelief were common.  The return at work on Tuesday was hard.  Tears were often coming to my eyes, but I would always make them go away.  Some people noticed that I was not going well, but they didn't bother me.

At the end of the day, my boss told me that if I ever wanted to talk he was there. I said that I was not ready to talk.

I had talked about my situation to a few persons in the chat room, it helped me go through it.  The next morning, I felt really desperate and about to break down.  I wrote to the guy who leads the LGBT meetings, asking him if we could meet the same night.

During the day he responded and we arranged a meeting at the local where we have our reunions.  Bizarrely, I had had quite a happy afternoon and my mood was totally different then on the same morning.  So I told him what happened  when we met early in the evening.  It was not easy of course, but I didn't break down.  It was good talking about it face to face with someone.  He also comforted me and I was really surprised that I was not crying yet.  It felt like I needed to cry and break down but it didn't happen.  But I was still happy to have talked about it with someone.

The rest of the week, my emotions kept being unstable.  Trivial things would bring tears to my eyes.  I was just chatting with Jack about a TV show during Friday's lunch and I felt so happy and emotional to be having that conversation with him.

Last Monday, early in the morning I went to see my boss to explain him what happened 2 weekends before, that would explain everything.  I told him that I had very slim chances of having caught HIV.  He was shocked, but he was very good with me.  I don't think I could ask for a better boss.  He's very supportive and he doesn't mind that I miss work time because I need to leave early in order to take my meds.  He offered me time to talk / cry / laugh if I need it.

Since then, I had mostly a good week, but I'm often getting emotional every now and then, not thinking about the fact I may be sick, but because of how good people have been with me.  Apart from that, I'm starting to be in a happier mood.  But, at times, like now, I'm scared again.  I'm not sad, just scared and disturbed. 

I haven't cried like a baby yet and I have not broken down.  I suppose it will come when I get Flyman's results.  Hopefully it will be the end of the story and I will be able to let everything out.

On the bright side...

A short post tonight.  I don't feel the side effects of the meds anymore, except for the fatigue.  I get tired a lot earlier than usually and I sleep more hours than usual.

So with the fatigue, I am again late with some posts.

Since most of my previous posts were not so positive, I decided to skip to something good I learned last Friday.

I was getting lunch with Jack and on our way back to work, I asked him if he had talked about me being gay with our coworkers, like he had told me he would do during the Christmas break.  We have not had a lot of time together since then and I had never done any follow up about that. 

After I asked, he told me that pretty much everyone surely knew it by then.  I was happy to learn that.  However, we didn,t have much time so I don't know the details of who? when? how?... But I'm really curious to know.  I'm looking forward to have more time with him so we could exchange about that.  I want to know if he was nervous or something....  And apparently Jess helped spread the word!

It seems like most people have known for a few weeks and I have to say that I didn't have a clue!!  I have not noticed any new behavior from anyone.  I think this is the perfect situation for me at the moment with that group of people.  I don't have to worry about their reaction, because they already had their reaction without me knowing it.  I don't have to "study" them...  trying to figure out any clue if they know or not.

It's all magically done, like I had wished!!

My friends are great!

Tritherapy

Hi gang,

first of all, thanks for your words of encouragment.  It really helps me.  I feel more and more confident that I will be OK.

The tritherapy I am following lasts 28 days.  I have to take my pills at the same time everyday in order to have more chances of success.  I take them after dining at 5:15PM.   I take 2 different pills.  1 of the first and 4 of the second.  I suppose the 3 meds making the tritherapy are mixed in the 2 different pills or I don't know why it is called a tritherapy then!  The pills are huge!!  Like twice or maybe more of the size of an aspirin.  The first 2 or 3 can be digested quite easily but the last ones are always tougher.  I don't think I have ever taken such big pills before.

The side effects mentionned by the doctor were:

- headaches

- digestic "turbulence"

- diarrhea

- nausea

- fatigue.

He told me that the effects were the worst during the first week.

The first evening I took the meds, I started having small cramps and I felt stuff moving (and flowing!) in my belly.  I woke up at 1AM and I was still having small cramps and I was starting to have a headache as well.  I woke up again at 2AM and the nausea had started. I tried to vomit but it didn't work.  I felt bad but not like it was the end of the world.    However I was thinking that I wouldn't be able to go to work if I was to keep the nausea in the morning.  Fortunaltely, when I woke up only the headache was still present.  However I was not feeling so well overall, but good enough to go to work.  When I arrived at work, I had my only episode of diarrhea so far.  After that, I felt better.

Tuesday evening, I started to have some cramps again.  I woke up again during the night but didn't feel nauseous.  Wednesday morning, at the end of my shower, I started feeling nauseous again and as I stepped out of the shower I vomited my breakfast.  That was the only time I vomited so far.  Since then, I have not really had cramps or headaches and I have not felt nauseous again.  However, I notice that every morning, I have to go slower than I normally do, because I don't feel so well.  It's only around 10AM that I start feeling myself again.  Apart from that, I felt really tired one night, but that's about it.

I feel lucky that the side effects have not been really strong for me.  It helps me to stay in a good mood (relatively speaking).  I'll continue being careful in the morning and stay in bed as long as I feel it is better to stay in.

The day after

**  If you have no read the previous entry "A weekend I'll remember", please read it before reading the current entry.  **


Monday morning, I called work to say I wouldn't go because of an unexpected situation.  I drove to Montreal to go to the specialized clinic.  I arrived there at around 10.  I told them I thought I may have been infected by HIV 24 hours prior to that.  They arranged a meeting with a doctor to see what are the risks for me and if I could start tri-therapy to kill the virus when it's not too late.  Apparently, within 72 hours of infection, it is possible to kill all of the virus if you start taking meds.  According to the doctor I saw a bit later, tri-therapy has good chances of success.

In the waiting room, I tried to keep my tears because it was just so crazy.  Before meeting the doctor, I saw a nurse who asked me a few questions and then he took a blood sample from me and I also gave a pee sample.  After that, I saw the doctor and we talked about my situation.

I explained how the possible infection had occured and he said that since there was no ejaculation and that he didn't stay long in me after the condom broke, the odds were lessened.

I explained that the guy I had sex with had unprotected sex 4 months ago, with his previous boyfriend.  I said that he is expecting his results in 10 days.  He told me that there is a test he could do that has results within 30 minutes. This test is accurate for events happening 2 months and older before the test is done. So if Flyman passed the test, we would know if there was a possibility or not that I have been infected, since he had told me he didn't have unprotected sex after breaking up with his previous boyfriend.

Flyman had offered me the night before to come with him, but I needed to be alone to do it.  So I had declined his offer.  I had not realized that we could have more informations if he had come with me.  The doctor let me call him to see if I could go get him and bring him at the clinic to get him tested.

Flyman was about to start working, but his boss agreed to let him go for the day (he told her he had to go to the clinic for an emergency).  So I setup a new meeting with the doctor for later in the afternoon and I went to pick Flyman.  But before that, I chatted a bit more with the doctor and when we talked about the fact that it was on my first time that I could have got HIV, I became very emotional.  He asked me if I had been troubled for years before finally accepting to have sexual relationships with a man. I said that it was not the case, that I am fine with my past.  I was tearful only because I couldn't imagine my life with HIV cause I'm really scared of that.  Apart from that, I had been mostly emotionnaly stable.

It was in total a 2 hour drive to and from Flyman's place.  I explained to him what I had done at the clinic and a bit of what was waiting for him.  We didn't really talk about deep stuff, we listened to a funny CD I had in my car.  Before entering in the clinic, I told him that my health was more important than my pride and it was really important that he said the truth about unprotected sex.  I told him that I didn't care if he had sex with someone else after we started dating.  The important thing is that he gives us reliable information ith which I could take a good decision about starting the tri-therapy.  He sweared that he had not.

We entered in the clinic and he started being very nervous.  I comforted him, even if I am the one who is so scared of HIV.

We rapidly met my doctor and I swear if someone saw us he would not have thought that I was scared for my own health.  I was being all caring and calming for him.  Flyman wanted me beside him while he was giving his blood sample and had a quick physical exam by the doctor.  I'm not like him.  There are times where I need to be on my own. 

After he gave another blood sample for the 30-minutes test, we went in the waiting room.  We both got very emotional and I had tears in my eyes.  Then without me asking it, he confessed that he had had an unprotected relationship 5 weeks ago.  I said: "OK, I'll take the meds.  You did good by telling me because my health is really more important than my pride"  I called my insurances to see if they cover these meds and they said yes, at 75% (the cost is around 1700$ for the 28-days treatment).  10 minutes later, the doctor came to get us and brought us in his office.  He was happy to tell us that the results were negative.  We didn't jump because we knew that it was not a guarantee that he was not infected.  I told the doctor the confession Flyman had told me (he had asked me to do it).  The doctor said that with the test done, there were about 80% chances that it would have caught the virus if he was infected 5 weeks ago.  It leaves him with a 20% chances of being infected.

The doctor summarized the situation for me to take my decision about whether to take the meds or not.  But it was clear in my mind that I would take them.  There is absolutely no fucking way that I won't do anything in my will to make sure that I stay healthy.  The doctor says he is confident that Flyman was not infected 5 weeks ago and he was also confident that I had good chances of not being infected last Sunday (if Flyman is infected).  But I don't want to run the risk.  So I confirmed my choice to take the meds.

We also learned why the condom broke:  Flyman had used an oil-based lubricant!  I said "No it's not good!!"  I knew it has to be water-based, but I never thought of checking the lube he used.  I'm a bit frustrated at myself because it seems that I have been super cautious about everything... except that.  And that's where we were not safe.  Flyman said he has both kinds of lube, but it was the first time he used the oil-based with a condom and he didn't know it breaks them....

We took an appointment for March 7th, after my therapy ends and also by that time, Flyman will be able to pass the test again to be sure of his own health situation.  So this means that I will know if I took the meds for nothing only a few days after I will have ended the treatment.  After that I bought the meds, the pharmacist repeated what the doctor had told me about the treatment and the side effects (I will explain that in a later post).  Finally, we left and took the road again so that I would bring Flyman back at his place.

On our way, we stopped at a restaurant and I took my meds for the first time.  It is important to start the treatment as soon as possible in order to kill the virus when it has not multiplied too much.  So I started the therapy 31 hours after my possible infection, which is still good (within the 72 hours limit, but a bit off the 24 hours that is even better).  After that we hit the road back and by 6:30 we were at his place.  We didn't talk much on the road and at his place, we cuddled and hugged a bit.  We both needed some warmth.

I left at 7:30 and was back home at about 8.  We chatted a bit again on Skype and by the time I went to sleep, I had not experienced any side effect yet.

***

I've been trying to remember in what mood I was for the day, but it's been difficult, somehow.  I think the doctor got me in a good mood and that allowed me not to stress too much about it.  Of course I was still in shock, but I was not in a desperate state.  Anyways, now there is nothing more I can do than take my meds, wait and hope for Flyman the he was not infected.

One last thing.  I've been avoiding to read stories about tri-therapy on the internet because I fear to read some bad stories.  So, please, it would be very appreciated if you don't feed me with bad / horror stories. 

A weekend I'll remember (not for the best reasons)

Friday night, Flyman was invited to another party and he invited me to join him.  Unfortunately, the friends at that party were not the same as the ones the week before, so it was going to be tough again for me to be sociable.

The funniest part of the evening was when Flyman introduced me to a specific friend.  That guy asked me:  "Are you the guy with whom Flyman is spending time, but you're not too sue about where your relationship is going!??"  I replied, with a small grin on my face: "Yeah... that's me, and it's about like you describe it, yes!"  It's too bad that I was to slow to think about saying something more like "What??  Flyman, who is he talking about? Who have you been seeing??"  That would have been pretty funny, but it was not meant to be!

I got to chat a bit with Flyman as we were watching other guys play pool and it was a good time.  After a while, he was getting really tired so we quit.  Back at his place, we went to bed, but he was really too tired to "play", so we called it a night.

I don't think I slept a minute during the whole night.  I had a lot of difficulty to get to sleep the first time I had slept there too, but this time was really worst.  Saturday morning, he had to go to work, so we didn't get time to play once again.  I drove him to work and then went back to my place to do a few chores.  In the afternoon, I had to go to my parents, cause I had told my mother I would do some tiling in her new kitchen.

When I started the tiling, I told my mom I couldn't stay after passed 5PM, cause I had a dinner at 7.  She asked me with who it was and I told her it was with a guy I had been seeing for the last 3 weeks.  She didn't know about him yet and she asked me a few questions about how we met, what we've done so far etc...  She was a bit suprised by the news, but I think she was happy, even if she is worried about STD's (the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree).

After I had done enough of the tiling , I went back at my place to prepare for the dinner and go get Flyman.  I was expecting that dinner for 2 days!!  It was 2 gay friends of his sister who were inviting us (and Flyman's sister family).  To be honest, I don't think I had been in the presence of a couple of gay guys before, so I was really looking forward to meet them. 

The place was terrific!!  They live in a very luxuous loft and I was really impressed by it. Flyman had never been there neither and he was as amazed as I was.  I realized that our hosts probably were not very impressed by the bottle of wine that we had bought at the grocery store to give them as a thank you gift.  Neither of us knew how rich they were!!  They were welcoming and they prepared a very nice 5-sets dinner. 

However, as the evening went on, I really didn't feel like I was belonging there. The hosts (the gay guys) and Flyman's sister are a bit snooty so I was looking forward to the moment we would go back at Flyman's place.  I was also really tired from the day and not having slept the night before.

I was a bit disappointed at a few of one of the hosts remarks.  He was asking me stuff about how Flyman and I met and about my past.   To him I seem like an alien because I don't party at the gay bars.  It seems like THE thing to do for a guy my age.  I felt like he was trying to ridiculize me and it was not so amusing.

I was happy to leave when we did and on the way back, I expressed my feelings about the evening to Flyman and he told me that he had felt the same way.  Back at his place, I was really tired and was looking to finally be able to have a good sleep in his bed.  I tried to put the luck on my side:  I made him close the door like I do when I'm in my own room (he uses to keep it open); we switched sides in bed so that I would be on my "usual" side; and I brought a glass of water to drink during the night if ever I had the dry throat ( I had coughed because of the dryness of his room the 2 times I had slept there).

I ended up having a good night sleep, but maybe it was just because I was really tired.  In the morning, we had lots of time for ourselves because he didn't have to go to work and I also had nothing else scheduled.  We finally had time to "play" together.  After a few minutes, I asked him if he wanted to be my top.  I was feeling good enough to do this with him for my first time.  I knew he would try not to hurt me.

It was a bit awkward at first to lube all what needed to be lubed.  He was of course wearing a condom and he tried to enter me.  We needed a bit of adjustment and I told him to get out when he went too far cause it really hurt!!  After that he was even more careful.  We tried a few positions so we could both be comfortable (I kept pushing his penis out unwillingly). 

We had not even started having fun when the condom broke!!!!

That's really not a pleasant thing to learn when you don't know if your partner has HIV or not.  I really freaked out and I'm still freaking out (I'm writing this post the same night the event happened which is Sunday the 3rd).  Tomorrow (Monday the 4th) I will go at a specialized clinic in Montreal and try to do everything to prevent / treat / be evaluated.

I just can't believe that with me being so cautious and scared about STDs, the first time ever I have a sexual relation, the condom breaks and I'm at risk of being infected.  Flyman is really convinced that he doesn't have HIV and he's supposed to get his results in the next few days to confirm it (he was tested 3 weeks ago).  But what if??

I've been crying a lot today.  I can't imagine my life with HIV.  I don't want that.

I really don't want that.

STD's

One of the things that helps me go "slow" sex-wise is my fear of STD's.

I just can't imagine having a risky behaviour like some people I hear stories from.  I have a black fear of getting sick and have the rest of my life ruined because of STD's.  Safe sex is really important to me and I have to admit that I have always feared that dating would have me face that issue.  I fear that if I want to play safe, some guys could get uninterested in me.  But, it is not a risk I am willing to take.

Flyman has been tested a few weeks ago.  His results are negative, but he has not received his HIV results yet.  He has offered me a few blowjobs, but I have always turned the offer down.  I'm actually afraid that since he has really sensible gums, there could be some bleeding in there and that I could get infected if ever he has HIV. (I have asked a nurse about it and am still waiting for her answer).

I'm really lucky that Flyman has never pushed me to do things I didn't want to.  I haven't told him yet how much I fear STD's, apart from that moment when I told him that whoever he has sex with next, to please protect himself because his health is worth much more than a good fuck.

Questionning my feelings

I think I must have written in one of my latest posts that I had told Flyman that I wanted us to spend time together and just see where it will lead us, without being concerned about the feelings I had or didn't have for him.

Last Sunday, however, I began to have some thoughts about my feelings.  I tried to push them away because I didn't want to think about it and I was afraid of what I would discover.

The next morning, though, was another story.  I couldn't help thinking that I did not have love feelings for Flyman.  I was feeling almost sick about it.  It became clear in my mind that I had to tell it to Flyman later that night because our next date was on Tuesday and I didn't want him to kiss me at my arrival before I would tell him.

I was in a bad mood all day because of this.

Then, early in the evening, I was writing a post and it made me think of the time we had spent together.  I felt really confused and my heart started racing.  I couldn't pinpoint why my heart was racing: was it because of the stress of having to tell Flyman in a few hours that I didn't have feelings for him; or was it because I didn't want to "break up" with him??

I really had no idea so I decided to play it safe and not tell him.  We chatted a bit on Skype that night and I was feeling good.  We confirmed our date the next night.

The date on Tuesday went well, we went to a restaurant and then we watched a movie together. 

But, after the restaurant, we took a small walk to digest and he decided to hold my hand (it was not the first time he did that, I'm just not sure if I have already talked about it)  He likes to do it when we are in a quiet area and that we don't meet people walking.  After a few minutes there was a guy coming in our direction. Flyman let my hand go.  After he had passed us, I told Flyman: "You could have continued holding my hand, I'm sure he was gay!"  He replies: "No he's not!! Did you see how he's dressed!?" (the guy was a bit trashy).  I reply, jokingly: "What!?!?!? you're so judgemental!!"  Seriously I didn't even look at the guy and I have no idea if he was gay or not.  But, it was fun seeing that the bias can go in both ways!!

During the movie, he asked me if I was starting to have feelings for him.  I remembered the doubts I had the day before but I couldn't just tell him about it.  I was speechless.  I was about to tell him and I said "Fuck", thinking that I was about to tell him, but he said something about the fact that he shouldn't ask because it was too soon. 

The next few days went well for me, I didn't have the same strong feeling like on Monday.  I was actually not thinking about my feelings.  So I was good to spend almost a full weekend with Flyman.

** Update.... I forgot to mention that my little buddy was in better shape that night :)

The 4th date: not like porn! (part 2)

Back to where I left the story!!

So we quickly decided to go to bed.  But sleep was not yet on the agenda.  I felt ready and comfortable enough to go further than where we had been during previous dates.  We quickly got naked and I saw and did many things for the first time in my life.

We got more sexual than ever, but I was soon hit by a small problem:  I couldn't keep my little buddy awake for too long.  (this is frankly hard to put on the internets!!)  Of the 4 times we started being sexual until noon the next day, only once could my little buddy keep it up.  It was a big concern for me and luckily Flyman was conforting and said that he had difficulties too on his first times.

Later on Saturday, when I was back home, I logged in the chat room and got to talk with 3 of my friends there and all were reassuring that I have nothing to worry about.  They said it's normal to have a few difficulties for the first time being more sexual with a guy and I probably had too much going on in my hand and was probably too self-conscious.

That was a huge relief!!

NB.  Sorry if the story is short, but it was a week ago and I don't remember everything anymore.  Also I don't feel the need to be more specific about our sexual activities.