Monday, February 18, 2013
I have already mentionned that I was unsure of my feelings for Flyman. We got to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot in the week after the condom broke. I ended up realizing that my heart didn't beat for him.
We got to meet the next saturday. I told him that I was definitely not having feelings for him. He took it well, even if he had told me that his own feelings were growing for me. I ended up sleeping at his place again, because I was too tired to go back home. He tried again to be closer to me, but this time, I was really cold. Not in a mean way. Just that I had drawn the line in my head that it was over between us. He accepted it and let me sleep.
I have to say it felt weird to be beside him and not feel his warmth. The intimate connexion was lost and I missed it. Someone told me later it was the empty nest syndrome. I thought it was a pretty accurate feeling. The intimacy and the warmth of his hand on my chest is definitely what I miss the most about being with Flyman.
I can't say I have been sad of leaving him. I suppose it was due to happen. I swore to him that I wanted to keep him as a friend. However, I need time to let that happen.... Sadly it hurts him that I do not want to see him yet, but I can't just pretend that nothing happened and I have not totally moved on about all the emotions that hit me. I suppose I won't move on until after we are settled concerning our health.
I was talking about my story with Flyman with another guy in the chat room, and he told me that I should always follow my heart. I replied that it is what I had done. He said : "No, you listened to your head when you decided to let things go when you were not sure of your feelings". I realized that he was right. I had decided with my head, not my heart. If I had listened to my heart, the relationship would have lasted a lot shorter.
I'm not sure if it's good or bad to listen to my head?? I really don't. But my view of myself is challenged. I thought I was listening to my heart but I was not always. I really don't know what to think about it. But, I'm not sure I need an answer right now....