Thursday, February 14, 2013
Where is the sadness?
The first few days after the accident were quite weird. Fear, anxiety, despair, disbelief were common. The return at work on Tuesday was hard. Tears were often coming to my eyes, but I would always make them go away. Some people noticed that I was not going well, but they didn't bother me.
At the end of the day, my boss told me that if I ever wanted to talk he was there. I said that I was not ready to talk.
I had talked about my situation to a few persons in the chat room, it helped me go through it. The next morning, I felt really desperate and about to break down. I wrote to the guy who leads the LGBT meetings, asking him if we could meet the same night.
During the day he responded and we arranged a meeting at the local where we have our reunions. Bizarrely, I had had quite a happy afternoon and my mood was totally different then on the same morning. So I told him what happened when we met early in the evening. It was not easy of course, but I didn't break down. It was good talking about it face to face with someone. He also comforted me and I was really surprised that I was not crying yet. It felt like I needed to cry and break down but it didn't happen. But I was still happy to have talked about it with someone.
The rest of the week, my emotions kept being unstable. Trivial things would bring tears to my eyes. I was just chatting with Jack about a TV show during Friday's lunch and I felt so happy and emotional to be having that conversation with him.
Last Monday, early in the morning I went to see my boss to explain him what happened 2 weekends before, that would explain everything. I told him that I had very slim chances of having caught HIV. He was shocked, but he was very good with me. I don't think I could ask for a better boss. He's very supportive and he doesn't mind that I miss work time because I need to leave early in order to take my meds. He offered me time to talk / cry / laugh if I need it.
Since then, I had mostly a good week, but I'm often getting emotional every now and then, not thinking about the fact I may be sick, but because of how good people have been with me. Apart from that, I'm starting to be in a happier mood. But, at times, like now, I'm scared again. I'm not sad, just scared and disturbed.
I haven't cried like a baby yet and I have not broken down. I suppose it will come when I get Flyman's results. Hopefully it will be the end of the story and I will be able to let everything out.