Sunday, July 15, 2012

A missed opportunity, a hot day and a gay talk in the garden

No need to say I envy them

I'm feeling quite better than last thursday when I did my other post, even if I didn't come out uring the weekend.  I could almost do it on Friday night.  After I ended my day at the job, I went to the liquor store to buy some alcohol because I wanted to drink with my friends (it was another hot day and .... oh and I don't need excuses to drink haha!). So after that I went to my best friends Jack and Janice's home.  Another firend of ours (Jessica) arrived and we began to drink.  Than we had dinner and after that we resumed our drinking.  At the end of the evening, Jessica had left and Jack noticed that I was not in a state to drive and I agreed. He offered me to sleep in his home for the night and I accepted.  I can't say I was drunk, but I'm very careful about drinking and driving.  So we were outside and it was a perfect temperature.  I was staring at the night sky and I felt so well.  I thought that it was a good moment to come out to my friends, or at least one of them.  The thing is, I never got to be alone with one of them!  Janice's father was there too and when he went inside to sleep, than it was their daughter who spent some time with me (she didn't understand why I was alone outside).  I was hoping for her to go inside, so that when Jack would come outside (at this point I was sure Janice would not go back outside), I could have a talk with him.  When Jack came outside, he told me that he was going to sleep because he was really tired and had a big day the following day.  I hesitated to ask him to stay a bit... but his daughter was still there so in the end, I reluctantly got inside with them to go to sleep.  It's sad that I couldn't make it that night because I felt so much at peace and I think it's easier to have deep conversations under a night sky.

I had hoped that on saturday morning I would find some time to talk to Jack and/or Janice, but it was really not the case.  So I went back to my house to prepare for the pool party at my colleague's house.  It was already really hot early in the morning so I couldn't wait to go there and be in the water.

The party was really cool, we were 7 adults and there were 4 kids between 2 and 5.  I went in the pool 3 times (I can't remember the last time I did that) and had fun in and out of the pool with the kids, which is always cool.  We had BBQ for dinner and it was succulent.  The day ended with a fire and marshmallows and it was really cool.  I really had a nice hot day.  I wish there were more days like that :)

Today I felt tired all day long.  I'm not sure if it's because of the time spent under the sun yestersay.  So I was taking a nap this afternoon when my mom called me.  She asked me to come earlier for the usual Sunday family dinner, because she wanted me to help her harvest the curants she has in her garden. I love the pies she makes with it so I had offered her to help her do the harvest in exchange of some pies (I really love the sweet and sour taste of it).

So there I went and joined my mom who was already in the garden.  It didn't take long before she asked me if I told my cousin Sandy I was gay when I had went to see her.  I told her that I did and I explained her how it went.  After that, I asked her what she had meant the other day when she asked me not to tell my grandmother that I was gay.  It had sounded like she was about to die and that she didn't have to know before she died.  She told that it was not the case, but she thinks that she wouldn't like it (to have a gay grandson).  I asked her why she thinks that and the reason is that one time, she had seen 2 guys on a reality show who were actually brothers.  My grandmother thought that they were a couple, so she had called them faggots (fifi in french).  I told her that even if it's a harsh word, for her it was maybe just a way to say "gay".  It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't accept gays or hates them or something.  So the situation was better than I had expected.

After that, I asked her if she and my father had talked about my homosexuality since my coming out last October. She told me they didn't.  I was very surprised.  My mother told me that my dad didn't bring the topic to her (but she didn't do it neither).  She told me that the only occurence was after my dad's appointment with his doctor.  When he was asked what had happened in the last year, he told his doctor that he learned I was gay. 

So it may be a taboo or maybe they're unsure about when/how to talk about it.  But I think they're really OK with me being gay.  Of course my mother told me (again) that maybe if I had tried with a girl, I would see things differently.  But I replied that I know I'd be better with a boy than a girl.  We then talked about my visits to the sex couselor.  She asked me if it had helped me or if it had made me more confused.  I said that it helped me.  Finally, she asked me if I was going to find a boyfriend soon and I told her that I was not there yet.  She reminded me that I don't have to have sex the first night !!!  I reminded her that I know how to say no if I need to.  She also told me to have safe sex, which I replied that I was really aware of it.  A mom is always a mom, isn't she !?!  Finally, she told me that when I would bring a boyfriend, she was not sure how she or my father would react, that it could be awkward.  I said that it was OK and that it wouldn't be a problem for me. And I reminded her that my father seemed pretty comfortable with the idea when I came out to them.  In the end, I think it's just cool that her advices show that she's envisionning my future relationship(s) like any "straight" relationships.

So that's how the weekend went and hopefully I can find some time to talk with my friends this week.


  1. Sounds like you're mother's slowly processing through the implications of your sexuality. This is a good thing, though it often takes a long time. Glad it seems to be going fairly well, though.

  2. Hi jF -
    Thanks for letting me know about your blog. I read all the back posts. You seem like a very nice guy, with a good head on your shoulders. I wish you all the best. I enjoyed reading your story. Like many guys out there, you are very brave. Coming out must be a huge load on your mind, and the right way to do it, and all that. It sounds like you are on the right road. Take care~

    1. Hi GT,
      you certainly have found the best way to get to know me :)
      I hope you will continue to visit my blog and that you will let me know yur straight girl's point of view over what I have to say.
      Thanks for all your kind words and I'm looking forward to reading you on BLM.