Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Discovering and defining my bisexuality (Part 2 of 2): Closing many loose ends
Not yet the happy ending, though
So I'm finally here!! After a month of blogging, recalling the major past events of my (gay) life, I can finally explain my bisexuality (and why I still say I'm gay). I was really looking forward to writing this so I hope it will be as much a good reading as I enjoy writing this.
My first visit with the sex counselor was a relief. After I told him why I was there (to understand who I was) and telling him my story, I asked him what he thought of my situation. He told me that he thought he could help me. That was a first good first step in comparison to my first phycological counselor. In the first few visits, our conversations were concentrated on "How I feel in various situations". It was really from everything that happened to me, romantically or not. I suppose it was to get me connected with my emotions.
I got to explain him what kind of emotions I sometimes have towards girls. I told him that apart from the 2 girls I had been in love with, I think that I am seduced (but not excited) by girls. I gave him two exemples. The first was that once, I was talking to one of my girl friend from university and her eyes were so beautiful. The way she looked at me (and I'm pretty sure she was not hitting on me, she's just so beautiful) while talking to me, I felt almost like melting. I thought that I would have done anything she would have asked me to. I was totally under her charm. The other example was quite recent. I had heard on the radio a renewal of a french song called "Je l'aime à mourir" (translation: I love her to death). The original singer is a male (Francis Cabrel), but the renewal was sung by a girl (who I realized afterwards was Shakira). While listening to the song, I was litterally charmed by the voice. It made me feel... weird.... I think I have a thing for foreign girl's voices. One of my friend's wife is south american and I just love the way she speaks.
Shakira - Je l'aime à mourir
In the meantime, I was approaching my 30th birthday. I was a bit stressed about it, but not so much. I was still under the impression that I had not done what I had expected to have done before 30.
But, two days before my birthday, I had a revelation! I realized that all these things I had wished to have accomplished before 30, I had always knew that I would not have made them before 30. I think that unconsciously, I hade always known that I would not have settled things with my sexuality before then. So getting 30 was not the deadline, but actually the beginning!! That's quite a mindchange!! I realized that I had already begun to settle things and that my life would just get better and better. Before that moment, I had thought (as explained in a previous post), that I would build the foundations of my life during my 20ies. I had been right, however the foundations were not those that I had thought. I had thought that they would be to have a lover (man or woman?? I don't know!) and to have children. However, what I built during these years (and mainly the last year), was confidence and self-acceptance. With that in my back pocket, I think that the 30ies will be pretty good. My motto became: "The best is yet to come!"
Warning! Raw sex talk ahead! I'm not comfortable writing about that (and it will probably show) but I'll give you only the strict minimum.
A few days later, my friends took me for a birthday dinner. On the road back, I don't know how it started, but they began talking about sex. At one point they were talking about "eating pussy"... and they got me excited!! I promised myself to explore that for my homework (and of course for my very own pleasure). The next morning, well, I was looking for porn on the internet! I found what I was looking for and I was a bit excited... than very excited, if you know what I mean. Later the same morning, I was horny again. I found another video and, well, I ended up happy again! I was quite surprised by the events. The next day, I did it again! I though my counselor would be happy that I was taking my homework so seriously!
Some days later, I decided that I would try to fantasize about a girl without the help of porn. Surprisingly, I did it again!! And the next day again! What I liked the most in these fantasies, was the intimacy and the connection that I had with the girl... pretty much the same things as with my "Perfect fantasy".
My next meeting with my counselor arrived and I talked to him about all these recent events (with a lot more details, but with the same discomfort). In the end, he told me that he thought that it was time for me to explore my sexuality, with either men or women. At that point, I was more inclined to do it than before, but I was still not sure. I told him that I needed to digest all these recent events. He agreed with me and told me that we would not plan on a next meeting, but that he wanted me to take some actions. I also agreed and I thanked him for everything. That was my last meeting with him and for now, I don't need to see him again, but I don't say that it won't happen again.
So I was on my own again and I really just tried not to think too much about my sexuality for the next couple of days. Too much had happened in a short amount of time and I needed a break. Maybe 2 weeks later, I wound up wandering on the internet, looking for some gay blogs. I didn't find what I wanted. Then, I looked for bisexual blogs. I wound up reading FratStar's bisexual Manifesto on Bi Kid's Life. This opened a great new world to me. First, I could reckon myself in his writings and of the other authors on that blog. I read everything and I was so happy to read what people similar to me had to say. That was the first time in my life that I could recognize my fears, doubts and hopes concerning my sexuality in somebody else. Second, that was the startpoint to finding many other great blogs that I still read today. I wound up spending many hours reading them and the more I was reading, the more I was feeling good with who I was. I was already feeling good before that because I had accepted myself, but to feel to be part of a group, it just made things so much better. Also, it did help me to understand better who I was. It was a great complement to my meetings with the sex counselor.
I can't explain how, but I came to just accept that I have a very strong attraction to men, but also a smaller romantic and sexual attraction to women. Is it important to put a name on it? No. What's important is to follow my feelings (did that come from my first meetings with the sex counselor??) and this way I should be able to find someone to love and be loved by in the most complete way. That will probably end up being a guy, because I'm just so attracted to them. Will I continue to have some attraction to women? Surely. Will I try to find and build a relationship with a girl? No. I would miss too much if I was with a girl. When I'll be with a guy, I may miss a few things about girls, but I will surely easily get past them. That's how I see it now. To describe my sexuality, I like to do the following comparison: we often see that some straight guys are bi-curious. They're really into chicks, but would not say no to explore things with a guy. We'll, I'm also bi-curious, but just the other way around. However, since I'm just so focused on guys, this is why I consider myself to be gay... and I feel really good about that.
Since I finally pretty much knew who I was at that point, it was time to take action, as agreed with my counselor. I was not ready to explore my sexuality, but I was ready to pursue my coming outs.