Sunday, July 22, 2012
I sometimes feel like that
Thanks for those who took some time to cheer me up after yesterday's post. I needed to vent and my mind was not clear. The post was called "I hate that feeling" for 2 reasons: because it was not the first time that I felt it and also because it is "only" a feeling. I reckon that it is not because I feel something that it is the reality. I had way too much things going on in my head that I hoped that a good night sleep would be beneficial.
Things got even faster than I thought. After I wrote my post, I went on MSN Messenger to see if my friend Jack was there (he's the one who told me things that were rude to me). I wanted to ask him if I could borrow his hedge trimmer. He was there so I asked him. He told me something like "Sure, it will be a pleasure, just call me before." That calmed my mind, because he did not seem to hold any bad feeling towards me.
This morning, before I got there to borrow his trimmer, I told myself that I needed to talk to him about how I felt. I went and borrowed his trimmer, but I didn't tell him. This afternoon, I had finished my trimming job so I went back to Jack's to give him back and to spend some time with him and his family, like I often do on weekends. It happened that we ended up only the 2 of us, so I decided to talk to him. Here is how it went.
Me: I have something to tell you, but I feel stupid because I think I'm being paranoid.
Jack: (jokingly) So you think you're crazy?
Me: No, it's about yesterday. you know when you were talking about (that subject), the way you said it, it may not be that you meant to do it, but I felt like you thought I was stupid and that you were trying to ridiculize me.
Jack: No, I'm sorry you felt like that, I did not mean to ridiculize you.
We talked some more about it, going back to where it had started earlier in the week and in the end, I understood that he didn't mean to be mean. So that was first thing settled.
We also talked about how the events unfolded yesterday (what made me think that my friends were doing plans without me) and I realized that there were actually no plans, things had just happened the way they did.
We went outside and I wondered if I would come out to him. I didn't feel it, and I had the feeling that it would be better later in the night. (This is not the first time that I mention this. I think that the tranquility of the night eases things for me).
So the afternoon flew by, we went to the market to buy food and we had a great dinner (me, Jack, Janice and their daughter). Later in the night we had planned on watching a movie. But Janice and their daughter went to see their neighbour, so it was only me and Jack in the living room, waiting for them to come back. We didn't talk much, as I was thinking of coming out to him, trying to find some lines to start it up. Jack was getting tired and he was in a semi-awake state. That gave me an idea of how to start it. My heartrate was already high for the 15 minutes or so that had elapsed since we were alone and that I was thinking about it. I finally began:
Me: Are you still getting sleepy?
Me: Do you want me to tell you something that will keep you awake?
Jack: (suspicious face)
Me: It's actually something that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time... I'm gay.
Once again, I don't clearly remember what happened after that and in what order. He told me that it would change absolutely nothing for him. I replied that that's what I had thought, but that it's still a hard thing to do. I told him that I wanted to tell Janice in person so I didn't want him to tell her. He said that he would not announce it to anyone. I also specified that when Janice would know, they could talk about it together, but please not tell their daughter, because I don't want her to shout the news to everyone (she's only 8 but already very gossippy...). I said that I wanted to manage who knows it before to be really open about it with everyone. He again said that he really understood and that he would respect my wishes. He asked me a few classical questions, but our discussion ended abruptly when Janice and their daughter came back to watch the movie.
So that's pretty much all the turnarounds that happened today in regard to the things that happened or didn't happen during the last 2 weeks. I'm glad that things are not as bad as I thought they were yesterday. I'm also very happy to have made another step by telling my best friend I'm gay and that he's cool with it.