Leaving him

I have already mentionned that I was unsure of my feelings for Flyman.  We got to spend a lot of time together and talk a lot in the week after the condom broke.  I ended up realizing that my heart didn't beat for him.

We got to meet the next saturday. I told him that I was definitely not having feelings for him.  He took it well, even if he had told me that his own feelings were growing for me.  I ended up sleeping at his place again, because I was too tired to go back home.  He tried again to be closer to me, but this time, I was really cold.  Not in a mean way.  Just that I had drawn the line in my head that it was over between us.  He accepted it and let me sleep.

I have to say it felt weird to be beside him and not feel his warmth.  The intimate connexion was lost and I missed it.  Someone told me later it was the empty nest syndrome.  I thought it was a pretty accurate feeling.  The intimacy and the warmth of his hand on my chest is definitely what I miss the most about being with Flyman.

I can't say I have been sad of leaving him.  I suppose it was due to happen.  I swore to him that I wanted to keep him as a friend.  However, I need time to let that happen....  Sadly it hurts him that I do not want to see him yet, but I can't just pretend that nothing happened and I have not totally moved on about all the emotions that hit me.  I suppose I won't move on until after we are settled concerning our health.

I was talking about my story with Flyman with another guy in the chat room, and he told me that I should always follow my heart. I replied that it is what I had done.  He said : "No, you listened to your head when you decided to let things go when you were not sure of your feelings".  I realized that he was right.  I had decided with my head, not my heart.  If I had listened to my heart, the relationship would have lasted a lot shorter.

I'm not sure if it's good or bad to listen to my head?? I really don't.  But my view of myself is challenged.  I thought I was listening to my heart but I was not always.  I really don't know what to think about it. But, I'm not sure I need an answer right now....