A year ending

With the year ending, I cannot help but reflect on all the things that I lived, experimented this year.  Even without it being the New Year's Eve, I was actually already trying to figure out a few things and am challenging some other things.

I guess the hardest thing for me this year, is to deal with other guys.  So far in my life, like you coulkd have read in my earlier entries, almost all that was happening to me depended on me, on my own decisions.  This certainly couldn't continue the same way while trying to meet guys and find a boyfriend.  Obviously, I now have to deal with other people's decisions, emotions and behaviors (all of which often baffle me).  And I suppose that it's just the beginning, because I have yet to be in a true relationship (I split up with Marky... more details to come).

Apart from that, I have lived many new things:  started profiles on dating sites, set my first date up, had my first date, my first kisses, I saw another man naked, I touched another guy, I had my first attempt at sex (which went wrong!!) , my first health fears, my first breakup, my first time that I really clicked with a guy, the first time that it backfired, the first time another guy slept with me in my bed and some other sexual firsts.

I had my first heartbreak ( with SL), even if I can't say that I was in love with him.  I had my first kisses in public, my first realization that I was still thinking about another guy (SL) when I was dating another guy... which led to me breaking up with that latter guy.

I have also had the most bizarre relationship with J.  After my 2 first dates with him, I thought we were meant for each other and I was on cloud 9.  However, things slowly changed and his interest in me was suddenly gone, without me knowing why.  Followed days and weeks of confusion.  He stopped talking to me for a while, then he finally accepted to talk to me again.  From there on, we went to being friends, to potential lovers again, to friends, to sleep buddies, to friends (I actually had my trip to Mexico with him)....  It is really a friendship that is not easy, because I have a feeling of unfinished business with him and I have to admit that there has been no day since I've known him that I haven't thought about him.  Yet, I don't even think that I could be happy with him.  But my heart can't forget him.  There are days where all is fine when I see him as a friend, but some other days, my heart still beats differently for him.

Some might say that it is an unhealthy relationship.  And I may agree.  In addition, he represents a few things that I don't like about the ''gay world''.  But we are still friends.  Even if he exasparates me sometimes, I see it as a learning experience.  He challenges my beliefs and my attitude regularly and I do think that it is a good thing, even if I'm hurt at times.

(Wow, I had not planned on talking so much about J, but he does occupy an important part in my life).

I went to my first gay bars, my first strippers club (males and female haha).  I saw my first drag queen shows.  I went dancing for the first time with another guy.  I had more new sexual experinces and I finally had sex without drama.

I also felt new things, beautiful or bad.  I felt things that I didn't even know I could feel and others that I didn't even know existed.

It was quite a year, yes if I look at this huge list.  However, I still seek for more obviously.  I feel like I'm really ready for a true loving relationship and that has not come in 2013.  It's obviously something I wish I will get in 2014.

I also wish to continue to open myself more, but to still respect my values.  I want to continue to challenge myself and to be challenged.  If there is one thing that I do not want, it is the status quo.  That's why I need to open up and challenge myself.  If I don't do that, I won't feel alive.  It's something that I've come to realize lately.  Hopefully I will feel very alive in 2014.

I hope you will all have a great year and see you soon :)

JF

Sweet kisses

I finally met a guy I love to kiss!!

I remember when I was kissing Flyman, that I didn't really feel anything. I do think that he was a poor kisser though.  Then, in a yet untold story that happened with MC, I had kissed a lot with him and he liked my kissing a lot, but I didn't quite enjoy it.  On a side note, I had my first PDA with that guy.  We had kissed in my driveway ( so maybe a few neighbours saw us) and then we had spent a day together at a public event and we had kissed in front of many people.  But, I didn't "feel it", right?

I was left with the impression that kissing was not my thing.

Either I changed over time, or I met a guy that was "compatible" with me, kissing-wise.

Let's talk a bit about Marky :)

He is, to date, only the second guy I have kissed on a first date, and the first that I was not reluctant to do so. ( the first one was J and he had worked hard to have that kiss from me hahaha!).

We had spent the afternoon together on our first date and we had decided to extend the date by having dinner, then go see a movie, then go have a beer! That's quite an extension!  On a side note, he had put his hand on my thigh during the movie and while I was driving him home after the beer and he had me excited!  So the end of the date was imminent, I was parked and he was about to leave.  Since I wanted to show him that I had liked him, I gently tapped his thigh.  Nothing more was needed and he leaned towards me and kissed me.  I didn't even think of avoiding it ( like I had done a few times with the previous guy I had dated, and that I never felt like kissing him) and I let him.  It was really a small kiss,  didn't last more than a second I guess, but I liked it.

On our second, I actually had him over for dinner.  We then " french kissed" for the first time and I really enjoyed it (finally!!).  He even told me that I was a really good kisser.  I was shocked,since I know how unexperienced I am, so I said: " Are you sure of that statement?" I know, that's a really unsexy thing to ask hahahaha.  And he said it was true,that he loved how gentle I was.  Well, I will take evrything that comes by !!

During the following dates, we continued kissing and it is an activity that got me more excited every time.  Last weekend, a funny happenning occured,when we were kissing in the kitchen and that had gotten us really excited and we were wearing some quite tight pants.  When we stopped kissing to go to the living room and watch a movie, marky said that it really showed how he was excited.  I looked at my own pants and said that it was the same for me!!

So, really, it is an activity that I do enjoy and that brings "feelings down there" ;)

It is also a great addition when comes some more "naughty time" but that shall be the object of a future post!!

Finally, I had more PDA with Marky!  We actually kissed while waiting for a train in the subway station and we were surrounded by many strangers.  But it felt so good!!  I was not even shy to do it!!

Officially growing a beard

It's been 10 days since the last time I shaved.  I usually shave every 5-6 days (my beard is really not strong!)

My unshaving started because I was away on vacation in Mexico (lucky me!). I shaved the day before I left and didn't bring my shaving stuff in my luggage.  Once back home, I decided I could see what I look like if I keep growing it!  And the timing is perfect since it is Movember.  I would say that it is not as bad as I expected!  I was back to work today and I got 4 comments: 2 semi- negative and 2 positive!

Apart from that... stuff has been happening, but I've been way too lazy with blogging :(. I hope I can renew strongly with it soon.  I miss exchanging with you guys...

Would you have sex with yourself?

The other day, one of my gay friends asked me if I would have sex with myself.  I was totally surprised by the questions and I couldn't answer. I had never thought of that and I didn't feel like thinking about it hahah.

This morning, I happened (!) to see myself naked in the mirror and I thought I was quite sexy :). It made my day haha.  Later in the day, I remembered that question from my friend and I had my answer: YES!! I would definitely have sex with a guy like me :)  I like my hairy torso, my little belly, my bum and my general shape ( not to mention my private parts which I won't describe haha)

I was about to ask that question to my colleague and friend Vicky, when I realized that since she is not lesbian, she probably wouldn't have sex with a girl like herself!!

What about you guys and girls?

That was exciting!!

It finally happened!! I went in a gay bar with my brother!!  If you remember, a few months ago, I had written that I didn't know with whom to go in a gay bar for the first time.  destiny had me go for the first time during my trip in San Diego, then with some of the guys I dated.

But I still wanted a bonding moment with my brother.

After my first visit to a stripper bar, I got this idea that me and my brother could go together in a gay stripper and also in a straight stripper bar (with lady strippers lol).  You wouldn't be surprised to learn that I had never seen lady strippers.

2 sundays ago,   I finally asked my brother if he wanted to take part in that special brother's night out and he said yes.  I was so happy and excited and pumped!!  I couldn't wait to do it.  we had talked about the next friday or saturday, depending on his work schedule.  I have to say that this night out was what made me the happier during last week.  i couldn't help smiling and laughing thinking of it.

Came last Friday, and my brother told me it was best to go that night and it was perfect dor me cause I didn't want to wait another day lol.

So he came at my place and i drove us to Montreal.  It was a nice ride, we got to talk Bout some of the issues i have, trying to find a good guy to love.  He reassured me saying he sees some similar stuff in the straight world ( he actually isn't single, but he still hears and sees stuff happening!). It was definitely nice to be able to share these things so effortlessly and honestly with him.

Once we arrived in Montreal, he asked me if we were actually going to go in the gay village.  I said yes, cause why wouldn't the gay stripper club not be in the gay village!!  He diffenitely had a few funny questions like : is there a door that says you enter in the gay village, or do you have to be gay to live there.   it was so funny!!  I explained him that it was just a gathering of gay places and that it is not because there is a McDonald in it that everyone working there is gay.  also I him that you don't have to prove anything to anyone to live there hahahaha.

So we walked in the village for a bit and my brother could see that there's really nothing scary to see there for a staright guy lol.  The plan was actually to find the lady stripper bar first so we found one, but outside the village.  We entered there, ordered a beer and watch the show lol.  There were also some strippers walking by us and offering to talk or even being more direct like " Hey guys, does one of you want to come with me in my. office?!". i was so laughing at that one!!  I'm sure she does lots of serious business in her "office".  My brother was bothered by these girls cause he is really shy and he doesn't like to be bothered when he is sitting, drinking chatting and watching the show.   anyways, i got to see my first lady strippers.  It was ok, I didn't vomit or anything haha!  I'm not one to hate seeing naked girls, like other gay guys could be.

After having finished our beer, we got out and went to the gay stripper club YAY!!!!!  My brother didn't seem any scared or uneased to go there so I was really proud of him.  We entered and took seats in the middle of the "seating area" lol.  In retrospect, it was a bad choice, cause the strippers didn't come see us to offer their services.  It would have been so funny to see my brother being flirted by one of them.

We ordered a beer and watched the show haha!!  One thing I've noticed from my very few stripper clubs visits, is that guy strippers seem to have more fun on the stage than lady strippers.  i told that to my brother and he agreed.  My brother was actually surprised to see that the strippers were hard on the stage.  I did enjoy the show :) but my brother said he had no particular feeling hahaha.  I think we ended up being there longer than the other bar, so that was good for me haha.

After having finished our beer, we got out and even if it was not that late, we decided to go back home, because he has to get up early since he works on the farm.  But first i still wanted to enter a club i had been a few times, but i couldn't find it!!  So we simply went back to the car and i drove us back.  When he left my place to go back to his, I thanked him for that nice night and that I was really happy we did it.

Maybe next time we'll bring in my sister too hahah!! except she could be the only girl in the gay stripper bar, as I didn't see any during my few visits there.

My newest erotic and sexual dreams!

I had to go back to my previous post about it to find out when I last had them.  It was in february!  8 months later, I had 3 in 2 nights!!!  woof what's going on? hahaha

The first 2 were in the same morning last thursday.... between 5am and 8 am!

In the first one, I was with the "infamous" J.  So it was actually the first dream I had with a gay guy I know and as a matter of fact that I have dated and had feelings for.  the only thing I remember from that dream is that we were 69ing in a position that is clearly impossible in real life. Dreams hahah!!!

In the second one, i was on bed with another unknown guy.  He was naked and was showing me his butt.  The dream was too short, so the only thing that happened is that I was playing with his "rear parts" ( trying not to be too vulgar here!!)

I was already amazed to have had these 2 dreams in the same morning!  The next morning, i had another one!  In that dream, i was in a bar with a guy I've been chatting with this week.  he didn't look like the guy at all but it was him nonethelesse!!  He was all over me....  pulling his pants down and showing me his hardware and sitting on me.  I was a bit embarassed in the dream and I was trying to escape him haha... even if I was excited by him.

I didn't have a dream that i could remember of this morning, but it's all good haha.

Weekend adventures - part 3

Last Tuesday : Ok I know it's not the weekend but nonetheles....  I had invited J over or dessert.  He actually never came at my place even if I went at his place numerous times.  At around  4PM when I was still at work, he called me saying we could go see a drag show that evening. ( we have been talking about doing this for a few weeks but it never worked out).  And... it didn't work out this that time neither.... he told me he was sick...

Friday: I had another date with Johnny.  During the week, he had told me that sometimes he thinks he talks too much, but I said it was ok for me because I know I'm not a huge talker.  Knowing that, I thought that maybe he had held back from talking more and that maybe my interest in him could come back.  I went at his place after dinner.  We talked some and we watched a movie, cuddling on the couch again.  But as we were watching the movie, I knew the interest wouldn't come.  After the movie he asked if I could massage his back, because it hus him a lot.  I accepted and we went on his bed to do so.  After the massage, I layed beside him and we just stayed there cuddling for a while.  it was getting quite late and I think he would have wanted me to stay there for he night.  But i just couldn't.  I said that I was leaving and he let me go.  We hugged again and this time he didn't try to kiss me.  On my drive back home, it was clear that I needed to let him know that i don't see him as more than a friend.

Saturday: J called me in the afternoon.  He wanted to have dinner and watch movies during the evening.  I said Ok.  We had a good time together going to the restaurant, at the restaurant, then coming back to his place.  Came movie time and he told me to go on a different couch then the one he was on.  As I try to stay cool and careful with everything that happens between us, I did as he asked.  After the movies, he said he was going to bed and this time he didn't invite me to stay, which saddened me a bit because I would have taken a bit of human warmth.

Sunday morning: I called Johnny.  I told him that I dn't see him as more than a friend and that I still think he was great qualities.  He said it was OK and that he saw it coming a bit ( it's true that I have been a tad cold with him). On his side, he told me that since I don't talk a lot, he didn't know if he could have interest in me yet, but was willing to be patient to learn more from me.  10 minutes after the call, he texted me that even if it's ok, the situation hurts him a bit. I texted him back that I'm really sorry.

So I'm back at square 1 and I'm definitely not happy about it.  I'm hating the dating sites more and more every day and I just want the day where I won't need to look for my man to arrive.

At least, as many would say, I'm having fun along the way and I have new experiences.... but I just want one man to love me and to love him back.

Weekend adventures - part 2

2 weekends ago

Friday: nothing happened and it was quite depressing... following my 4 consecutive nights of the previous weekend!

Saturday: I had been chatting with a guy for a few days and we agreed to meet up.  This guy, Johnny, likes to dance.  I told him it was not really my thing, but we agreed that we would go for a drink and then we would see.  This guy is from Montreal, so we met at a subway station in the gay village ( I'm beginning to go there often lol) When I saw him, it was the first time that I had a date with someone who "looks gay" .  So I was curious!  We went for a walk first and we chatted about dating and relationship stuff.  He said a lot of things that resonated with me.  I think he has good values and so it was a good start. I didn't care how he was dressed anymore!  We then went in a bar and had a beer.  Following that I agreed to go dancing!  It was actually really nice.  I had never danced in the company of only one person so I liked that much more than with many people I know, or worst, many people that I don't know!  Johnny loves to dance!!  He was really good at it and very energetic!!  I thought he was real cute and I was happy to be with him and dancing!  Leaving the bar, it was a bit cold outside so we walked side by side so I could heat him up since I had a vest and he didn't.  We chatted some more and I drove him back to his place.  He was funny as he was groping my arm ( which is absolutely not imoressive!!) We may have hugged as he got out but nothing more. On my way back home, I thought that I would definitely want to go out again with him.


One weekend ago

Friday:  Johnny and I had continued texting during the week and I had called him once too.  We had set a date for friday.  We went dinner in an indian restaurant.  It was really good, it was the first time for me.  After that, we went to the same bar as the first date. It was still early, so we couldn't dance yet.  At 11, there was a drag queen show so I saw my first drag queen show!!  It was interesting!  Of course, some were bad, but one was particularly funny and I really liked her. At one point I suggested to Johnny that we could go ance and he agreed.  We did and it was fun again.We didn't staty that long cause he had to work early next morning, so I drove him to his place again and this time we did hug for sure.

Saturday: I had a family dinner so I didn't schedule anything.  My brother, who is aware of all my new "activities" warned me to be sure not to set a date a week prior to that lol. Since I had forgotten about that dinner, it's a good thing he told me !!!

Sunday: I spent the afternoon with Johnny at various places in Montreal.  We went for a walk in a park and it kinda appeared clear suddenly that I didn't have that much interest in him.  Yeah I know... quite a bummer!!  I'm beginning to know what are the signs that I'm not interested in a guy and they began to come out during that walk.  Ater the walk, he prepared dinner for us and it was quite good!! After that we watched a movie together, cuddling on the couch.  He is a very delicate and respectful guy and I liked a lot how he acted with me.  But in my heart, I knew that the inevitable was coming ....  As I was leaving, he tried to kiss me but I was really reluctant.  I told him that I am a very shy kisser in the beginnings ( which is true) and he said it was ok.  Ater I left, it was not that late so I decided to do a quick visit to J.  I stayed for maybe 10 minutes and it was good seeing him again ( even if I'm troubled by him and me not being together).

Weekend adventures

I've been going out and dating more than usual this past month.  But I'm back to square 1 at the moment :(

3 weekends ago

Thursday: I had a date with a guy. We were supposed to have a beer in a bar, but instead we went to the ice cream shop.  After that, we went for a walk.  That guy didn't really interest me.  The next day I tell him that I'm not interest in pursuing.  He asks why did you tell me that we would see each other again? I replied that I was not sure yet so I prefered to not close the door too fast.  He seemed pissed at me, but I really don't think I was a jerk.  I kept the door open for more thinking and the next day I told him the truth.... I don't think I led him in false hopes.

Friday: I was chatting with a guy I went out once during the summer, we had gone rollerblading together then had dinner.  So I was chatting again with this guy and we decided that we would go out in Montreal.  So I was about to go to my first gay bar in Montreal haha. I had already gone to a few in San Diego and only to one lesbian bar in Montreal ( did I ever write about it??) So anyways we met in a parking lot and he drove us there.  So we went in a stripper bar hahaha.  It was nice.  Some were good ( one was particularly hot) and some were bad in my opinion.  We then went to another stripper bar!  This guy usually goes dancing, but since I had told him I didn't really like to dance we simply stayed in that bar.  All in all we had a good time, shared a few laughs.  We talked more on the ride to and from, since it was about 45 minutes.  He is a nice guy and sexy also, but he is not the most talkative and I am not neither, so it was not a whirlwind of words!!  I've had a few signs that he may be interested in me... but I'm just too slow to notice them as they happen and also I'm really to shy ( I have to change that!!!) to do a few moves :(.

Saturday: I met this nice but young (21) guy. We went dinner then to the movies.  When we were chatting before our date, it was a bit awkward at times as he asked me questions such as: will we get closer during the movie? will I be able to kiss you? do you confirm we really are going out together tonight?

I let these things aside and still went.  The guy was nice, but I really didn't feel anything special for him.  Once at the theater, one of his cousins arrived with her boyfriend and they sat beside us!!!! LOL I can't believe how stupid they are.  I didn't really care, but my date was probably so mad!!

The next days he wrote me if we would meet again and I said yes, since I was not ready to close the door on him.  But then time passed and I have not contacted him again so I feel bad about this one.  It was really not my intention to be that cheap :(

Sunday: I met up with J again.  I don't really remember what we did on that particular "meeting" ( not sure I can call it a date). But, in the evening, we were watching tv and got slightly close.  When bed time came he asked me to sleep in bed with him. I agreed and we simply slept cuddling together.  Once, he put his hand on my thigh sidde, at butt height!  I got aroused and it lasted at least 10 minutes.  He was ot moving his hand or nothing and he surely didnt realize what was going on.  But, talking to one of my chat room friends about that, he made me realize that if it lasted that long, it's because I have something not just physical for him.  The next morning, we watched tv in bed and then I left.  I was honestly not hoping for anything following that... I took it as a nice time sleeping cuddling.

To be continued....

Two stupid lonely souls

If our lives were a movie, we could see in the same shot : me on the right, on my sofa, wandering on various social networks.  On the left, you, in your bed, wandering on the same networks.  We both see each other online. On the screen, we look like a mirrored image of the other one.

We both are stupid.  You, for not realizing how good of a boyfriend I could be for you.  For looking for an easy "falling in love".  For not giving ourselves a chance.  For not telling me why you've rejected me like this.  For being still attached to your ex boyfriend who clearly doesn't want you anymore.

Me, for not being able to get out of my comfort zone.  For thinking too much into everything.  For being still attached to you even if you friend-zoned me ( Have I really become your straight friend??)  And for probably many more things you could tell me but that you don't dare telling me, cause you're so stupid...

In another scene, we could have a flashback of you being shocked by learning that your ex boyfriend has found a new boyfriend and that he is totally in love with him.  Then back to the present, we could see me shocked, pushing the phone away from my ears when you tell me how much you still love him.  Yes, it does affect me, even if I know that you don't want me. Why are you so stupid not to realize that it hurts me?  Why am I so stupid to still care about you? Everyone tells me I should forget you and move on.  Yet, I don't.

If we were not both so stupid, we wouldn't be a mirror of the other's lonely soul.  We would forget how stupid we both are, turn off the social networks, meet up, spend time together and maybe, just maybe it could lead somewhere.  But the thing is, we are still tied to imaginary barriers.

What a despairing movie that would make....

It feels so wrong. It feels so wrong. It's wrong. I feel sick.

I have kept in touch with J these last 2 weeks ( following my not sending the letter). We even met last Sunday.  I joined him in the evening and we went out for a bit before going back to his place.  I had no expectations at all. Correction: I hoped to get a bit closer to him, but kinda NSA. I didn't really want to have sex with him but I would have been happy to at least spend the night cuddling with him.  However I didn't want to start to have feelings for him, because I don't think he has any for me.

We were on the couch, I was watching tv and he was doing stuff on his laptop.  We were slowly getting closer.  When he said he was going to bed he invited me and I accepted.  We got into bed and prepared to sleep.  We cuddled and spooned at various moments of the night and following morning. it felt good.  

Around 10 we got up and I went back home.  He called me a a few times during the next days and I felt like I was managing things and my emotions pretty well.

Last night though, he posted a pic on Facebook of him and another guy, cuddling on his bed.

It did affect me.  I felt a bit of pain.  Not so intense, cause I am not in love with him.  But I do like him.  And I still had hopes that we were slowly going to be together.

But, what bothers me the most is that relationship feels so wrong to me. He had talked to me about this guy, I know who he is.  He had told me things about him, things that would prevent J to seek a relationship with that guy.  That's why it feels so wrong.  It's almost as if they are together only for sex. ( apparently sex with that guy is great).  Maybe J changed his mind too.  I have no idea.  The timing of the pic posting is also quite surprising, as it happened in a matter of days after J's ex-boyfriend went single again.  I wonder if he is playing a game on him, or why not on me?

So anyways, it feels wrong and it affected me last night.  I unfortunately took pills to sleep yesterday to make sure I could at least have a good sleep. When I woke up this morning one of the first things that popped on my mind is that famous pic. That's all I see or when I don't see him, I imagine them having sex and it's worst. I feel sick.

I feel empty and sick and I want to cuddle.  But I'm alone. Alone with these images in my head :(. At least I'm glad that I had stayed cautious with him, because it would hurt much more.  But then I'm thinking that maybe I was too cautious and that's the reason why he lost interest in me, if he ever had any....

My lil big gay bro at the rescue

I ended up not sending my letter to J.  After writing it and posting it here, I decided to wait a bit.  Then I got the chance to talk to my lil big gay bro for the first time in a long while and he made me realize a few things.  I do not wish to share the content of our discussion at the moment, I don't know if I ever will.  But in the end, I would say that he made me realize a few things and I felt so much better.  I had a huge smile and I was so happy to have talked to him.  Sending the letter had become useless so I didn't send it.

That was one of my existential crisis

First, thanks for all the great comments on yesterday's post!

Before going any further, I would like to mention that I wrote that letter right in the middle of an existential crisis.  I do them at times haha.  You can tell how existential it was by the number of tags I  put on it.  It covered a lot of aspects in my life , so no wonder it felt very intense.

Once again, writing stuff down helps me deal with some of my issues.  And of course I'm just very happy from the feedback I received.

And thanks to remind me that I put too much pressure on myself and to remind me that I'm a great guy heheheh...  But I did remember that guys who only seek sex are not what I want, maybe that was a bit misunderstood but anyways ;)

The crisis has ended yesterday around noon.  I'll explain how hopefully soon!!

Feeling lost, trapped.

Here is a translation of a letter I wrote to J, a guy I met at the end of June.  We've been on and off on various levels from friend to potential lovers.  I suppose someday I will tell you guys everything about him.  But in this letter you will still be able to have a an inside look at what has been going between us.

J,
Where to begin? I feel lost.I don't know which path to choose anymore.I have the feeling to be in a dead-end.I feel like my lack of sexual experience is a handicapand that plays a lot on my confidence and my ease with guys.

I've never wanted hookups with random guys.And this is not oing to change.I've always wanted some sort of connexionwold be established before starting to do more sexual stuff. As I think I have already told you, there are 4 guys with whom I have passed that step.You're the one with whom it happened the fastest. It was on our second date.  But you know, I was not really at ease because it was a bit too fast for me.  I'm pretty sure you thought I was lousy, so that's the reason. I was not ready to do more than what I did.  ( This being said, this letter is not meant to be an analysis of our relationship, just use references you know about to explain you ).

With the 4 guys I made that step however, you are the one with whom I went the less far.  With the others, it was more around the 3rd or 4th date.  I know it's not a much longer wait, but it seems like I'm like that.  And it was also more progressive.  During these 3rd or 4th dates, we didn't end up naked. It happened on the following date.  With you I ended up naked on that second date and even if I still felt good, was not comfortable enough to do more than what I did.

And now here is where things start going bad for me.  You see, if it is with you or with any other guy I coold possibly meet in the future, I'm sure that I lose lots of points for being that slow and uncomfortable. I wouldn't be surprise that it is a reason why S is seemingly not interested in me anymore after our first date.  I had told him before our date that I was not at ease speaking about sex because I had not a lot of experience.  During our date, I told him I had never had a boyfriend.  I think that it may be an accumulation of "odd" things that made him step back from me.

So you may understand thatmy self confidence is not very high.  I have the feeling that when i will be with another guy ( the odds of which seem very low at the moment) and that we will try to go further sexually, I will be so lousy that he will let me go as well, without giving me the chance to get learn and to get better.  I feel trapped.

My friend A was yelling me that metimes he was thinking of doing it with a guy to have that first time below his belt and not worry about that anymore. can understand, but as I wrote in the beginning, I don't want random sex, even if it would be to gain experience.But don't get me wrong.  I'm not waiting for the man of my life neither. The only time I was ready to do it with a guy and that the condom broke, knew in the bottom of my heart that I would never love this guy.But I was feeling comfortable enough with him to do it.

All this to say that I feel trapped. I need A to have B and I need B to have A.  And I possess none of them.

Oh yes, I was forgetting to other important points.

In addition to what I wrote above, also am very scared to get an STD, and that comes from even before the condom incident.  You could witness it on our second date, it does add a lot to my incomfort.

Also, I have the feeling that I miss or don't understand a lot of signals.I will go again with an exemple with you.  Last Saturday, when you were suddenly getting closer physically to me... I imagine that when you do this with other guys, you usually end up in bed with them.  But I was so confused about your intentions and feelings that I didn't know what to do.It's not as if I didn't want us to go further... There again my lack of experience was holding me back. And I was afraid to do something inappropriate. That I would do something and that you would push me back.The fear of reject keeps me from doing things.

I think I covered everything. You must think I'm so pathetic.But what I wrote, that's me, what I am. With my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears.

Why do I feel the need to tell all this to someone and that this someone is you? I ignore it.But one thing is sure, it's that it reflects my need to be true and honest and to hide nothing. I feel that need a lot since I have come out. But often, that huge load of authenticity scares people away, I experience it at times ( I experience it with you even). I hope that you will still appreciate me after all. I really do hope so.

JF

Rites of passage

During my visit in San Diego, I visited the Museum of Man.  ( more anthropologic than anatomic lol). One of the exhibits was about rites of passage in different cultures.

In my opinion, the rites of passage in many cultures were much more important and valuable than those in the occidental world.  Let's just think of the young australian aborigenes who go in the outback of the country for more than a week if I remember well to become a man.  In another culture,  boys become men once they have achieved to run naked on top of a row of bulls 4 times.  In another, boys are brought outside the village and are thought by other men the rules of their society, how to hung and they are also teached about sex.

Compared to what we have in the occidental world ( sweet 16, prom, drivers license -- all rites outlined in the exhibit), I realize that we have lost something along the way.  Our rites of passage have multiplied, while their real impact on a boy or a girl is not as lasting.

Somehow I feel like I've missed an important rite of passage in my life.  While in the museum, I unvolutarily had tears to my eyes, as I think that it must be something very fulfilling to achieve these rites in these societies.

However, there was one particular rite of passage that cought my attention: the coming-out.  I was surprised to realize that I had not seen my coming-out(s) as a rite of passage.  However, it definitely was, in retrospect.  And I think that I totally saw it as a rite of passage, since I needed to do this difficult step, prior to try to become what I want to be.  I needed to achieve my rite of passage before even considering being with another man.  In other words, I needed to do it to become a man.

In a way, I feel glad to be gay to have lived this rite of passage, because straight people don't have to do it before becoming a man or a woman.  Somehow, I feel like I have proven better who I am and that I belong here and that I deserve what I want.

Crazy nights in San Diego

I just finished 2 weeks of vacation.  During a first week marked by upsets, I decided that I needed to fly away and luckily, I have a friend in San Diego who could host me for my second week.  So on the first wednesday of my vacation, I purchased plane tickets for San Diego from Saturday to the next saturday.

I arrived in San Diego at almost midnight on saturday night, and I had been travelling for about 12 hours already so I was really empty .  My friend ( who is also gay) wanted to go out to see the strippers in a bar, but I really needed to go relax and sleep.

The next night though, we went to 2 bars (for those who know the bars there: Flicks and Rich's).  It was not a very busy night.  We didn't stay long in any of the bars.  My friend couldn't find any of his friends but it was ok for me, it was my first official visit in a gay bar !!

It was really cool to see guys being together and being comfortable for being who they are and loving what they love.  I did see a very hot guy with a purple baseball hat ( did I ever mention I have a thing for baseball hats?!? hahaha)

We went back home quite early, I think it was around midnight hahah! Not so crazy you will say... well I agree :). But it was still crazier then Monday when we stayed home haha!

Tuesday night we went to see a movie: 2 guns, with Mark Wahlberg.  A good movie, although I thought that there were too many people involved in the plot.  But MW was nice to look at of course! Wednesday we went to meet some of his friends and it was relax but nice.

OK, the craziness is about to start haha!!

On thursday evening, we went to see some other of his friends.  One of them came to talk to me and we chatted for a while.  We even talked about going for a hike the next saturday before I left, with another of his friends ( we eventually did go on that hike on Saturday afternoon!).  We eventually all went to Flicks and I got to chat more with the other guys in that group.  They were all really nice guys.  If I was to go live in San Diego I'm sure they would be my friends.  After a while there, the group decided to go at Bourbon, where yhere was a wet underwear contest hahahah!!  Do I need to say that it was going to be the first time I would attend such an event!?

To my great pleasure, my favorite guy won the contest!! he was REALLY cute and hot and sexy lol.  I tried to find some pics on the net of him but apparently no pic of him winning the contest is on the net :(.   Furing the contest, one guy came talking to me.  Pretty rapidly, the conversation turned to this:

Him: Do you like asian guys? (he's asian!)

Me: ( I think I laughed out of nervousness.  I didn't reply. But I don't think he took it wrong as then ...)

Him: Do you wanna hook up tonight?

Me: No!

Hehehe! another first!!  I seriously have nothing against asian guys and there are some that I find really cute and sexy, but the bottom line is that I am not into that!!

A bit later, as me and my friend were leaving and were outside, I saw the contest winner and I am surprised that I shouted :" Hey congrats!!"

Another first for me. But what is even more suprising about me is what happened next.  He saw me and acknowledged his congratulations. But then there was a small awkward moment when we both didn't know what to do.  I then went to him and hugged him and I said again " congrats!" ( oh btw he had his clothes back on at that moment hahaha).  Then I went away smiling.  I kinda regret not having chatted a bit with him or maybe try to get a feel of his butt, but I didn't think about that hahah!  Next time I suppose :)

The next day (friday) we got a text from one of my frind's friend and it was actually saying: " Hey guys, tonight is JF's last night in San Diego and let's make it a fun night for him. Let's go out tomight and party with him"

That was really sweet! What a good guy he is! They actually usually go out on saturdays, not fridays. So they moved their gathering for me! It was really nice from him to think about that and from the other guys to join us!

Before going out, my frien and I went for dinner in an italian restaurant!  He made me taste his calamari..... I almost threw up :( what a disgusting texture and taste!!  Did I ever mention I don't like seafood??

But!! I had something much more exciting happening to me during our time at the restaurant! There was this super hot guy who was sat right in front of me, and I could watch him a lot haha!!  It's only the next day or the other that I realized that the guy I saw was very probably this guy:

The very sexy (porn) actor Adam Whirtmore!!  I'm sure it was him!  He was actually looking sexyer than on that pic and had a nice green bandana. 

After dinner, we joined my new friends at Flicks ( again haha) and started drinking there before heading to Rich's.  At Rich's, there were gogo dancers and it was  new first for me to withess that hehe.  There's one of them that I didn't like at all. he obviously was way too full of himself and didn't seem nice at all.  I liked more to watch those who seemed to have fun!  Anyways, my new friends wanted me to go tip them! but there was no way I was going to do that hahahah.  Not that I would not have appreciated slipping a dollar bill under one of the hotties undies, but seriously, there is something really weird about all that for me. Maybe I'll come back on this on a future post.

We danced a lot and it was actually the first time I was dancing in a gay bar.  For anyone who has never been in a gay bar, if you've been in a " regular" bar, you have seen the same thing, except that in the gay bar, guys touch and kiss each other together instead of doing that to girls.  Once again, there was something weird for me about that promiscuity and sexualization of the dance at times.

I admit that I did dance with a guy (another first) and I was holding him and it was nice.  But there was something... missing... as there was no other connection between us then the physical one.

All and all, it was another great night and I really enjoyed it.  Oh!  and near the end, I saw again the hottie from the restaurant and he was dancing really well!!

The next night, I again missed the strippers, as I was at the airport for my flight back.  My friend made me realize that next time I visit him, I have to make sure to have my full weekend available as there is alot of action happening!!!

Of course, it was not a crazy week at all!! It was a good, fun and refreshing one and I'm glad to have done it and very happy of the firsts I experienced and that I managed to make friends quite easily!  I need to find friends like that here!!

My deepest fear

This is a post I wanted to write a long time ago.  But I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't jinx myself by talking about it before a certain event happened.

About 10 days ago, I received the results of the HIV test done 4 months after my possible infection.  The result was negative, as expected, but I was still a little tiny bit nervous.

It means that that chapter of my life has officially ended.  Of course the last months were not hard on me regarding that specific issue.  But I am still glad it is over.

Some of you may remember, but when I was starting my medication to prevent the possible infection to grow ( and to actually kill it), I talked about all this with my boss.  There is one aspect of the discussion we had that I didn't mention when I did my original post.

My boss told me that When I was thinking about HIV, all I could see was death.  I kinda acknowledged that, but it is not what I was seeing at all.  I didn't tell him what i was really seeing, probably because I was not sure how to express my thiughts, but also because I didn't need him ( and still don't) to know what I see.

When I thought I could have got HIV, the most shattering thing I would see was isolation, reject and loneliness.

I find it already dificult to find someone to build a relationship with.  I just don't know how I could do it if I was HIV+.  I know there are some support groups and various things.... but still.  Also, I didn't see myself revealing the news to the people around me.  That would have been too tough.  I wouldn't want them to pity me.  And I wouldn't want them to suffer ( especially my mom ) for that.  So what would that mean:  that barely a few months after I had revealed my biggest secret in the hope to be free and happy, I would have to hide a much more " shameful" secret.  I know that it would have been an accident if I had got it, but .... being HIV+ is not something you can be proud of, is it?  

I thought that I would have been so pathetic. A 30 yo guy who finally ends up in bed with someone after a lot of introspecion on what he wants his life to be, that the first time he does it, he gets infected and that it destroys all his hopes for the future.  

That's what I was seeing.

I feared to not be able to live the life I wanted to live and to be alone for the rest of my life.

PS.  this is my own actual view on the subject.  If you are HIV+, I hope that I didn't offend you.  Fear is very powerful when facing the unknown.  I do hope that some HIV+ persons manage to have a happy life and don't feel the isolation I so feared and still fear.

My first obvious request to be someone's fuckbuddy

Him: Hi
Me: Hi
Him: You have a day off?
Me: I' on vacation
Him: Same here
Him: What are you looking for?
Me: A boyfriend, you?
Him: a good friend
Me: What do you mean? are you straight or gay?
Him: more straight
Me: ok
Him: Do you want to have fun?
Me: the famous parables!!  Are you looking for a fuckbuddy
Him: Yes
Me: Sorry , that's not what I'm looking for

A lonely man's thoughts

Why am I so insecure? I used to be independant. Now I feel so dependant.  I don't recognize myself anymore. I'm so pathetic.  I scare my friends away. I'm so lonely. I'm an alien.  I don't understand how other people act. Why doesn't anyone try to understand me?  I'm not crazy.  I'm so lonely.  I'm not crazy I just need people to answer to my calls or text messages.  It would just be politeness or respect.  Where has respect gone?  Why does everyone make plans with others but they can't with me? I'm going nuts. I feel so alone. I'm not like that usually.  I wish I could trust people but they do everything so that I won't. The only person who never let me down is my mom. I wish I could have other persons I know will never let me down. I cry so much these days.  I just want to be with someone.  Why can't I be happy?  Everytime I have the slightest hope, I have a huge payback. Am I bipolar? I wish I was not like this. I'm an alien. I don't have really high expectations but people keep not achieving them. I can't be alone anymore. I just can't take it anymore. I need to connect with someone I'm speechless. I'm clueless. I try and I try amd I try the people say I do too much. but when I do nothing, nothing happens.  I always end up alone. I can't stand being alone anymore.  I've been alone for so long.... but now I can't.  I just want to have someone to trust and love and that he does feel the same about me.  I don't think I'm asking for too much :(

Demons

We all have our demons.  Some of bigger than others. Some have too many to be happy.

One of the guys that I met and that I have yet to blog about....  he told me this Saturday that he found life to be really hard.  He told me all that was making him go nuts.  He said that he would be much more at peace once dead.  I was shocked and sad by what he said and I told him to not consider suicide.  He said he was not serious about it but I am still scared.  The next morning, I texted him:

"We all have our demons. Even me. We just need to find a way to neutralize them"

He replied a Thank you.

Later that day he told me he was feeling better, but I know that he has not neutralized his demons. I want to help him with that and I hope he will let me do it.

Prior to that, in the afternoon, I learned that a brilliant young guy I know, only 18, commited suicide.

I am totally baffled and shocked by this news. By the fact that this guy took the lucid decision that the best thing to do for him was to end his life.

It's.....  I don't even know what word to use.

I'm an optimistic guy, even if I have some hard times... and hearing my friend talk about that on Saturday and learning about this other guy doing it.....  I can't imagine what their state of mind can be.

This morning, after talking to a few other friends of this guy and also his brother who is totally shattered by his loss, I can't help thinking that it is such a selfish gesture.  His brother is traumatized for life, his boyfriend will probably be too.  His loving mother, his caring friends.....  I chatted with one guy who said that he was his best friend.  Everyone can't stop crying....

It's horrible.

The worst part is that he had many people he could have talked to.  He was not alone.  Maybe he thought he was but he wasn't.  So many people could have helped him.

I'm just so sad.....

Passion

I met a guy yesterday night and he asked what were my passions.

I was a bit baffled by his question, since I don't think I have any :(

I am interested in many things, but there is not one or two specific things that I could call a passion.

I felt a little bit "lifeless" after that....  should I have a passion? Am I less interesting if I don't have any passion?!?

Confusion with mixed dating sites

As you probably all know, there are mixed (straight and gay) dating sites as well as "specialized" (for lack of a better term!!)

When I create a profile on a mixed site, I specify that I am a man seeking for another man.

So how am I suggested to talk to girls or straight guys?? And to make thing worst, sometimes it is nit even written what the suggested person is looking for.... so I end up not knowing if the guy is straight or gay....  As if life was not already not complicated enough lol!!!

I don't know... is it because these straight girls have mistakenly identified as men and that these straight guys have mistakenky specified they were seeking for men??  Or is it the dating site that really sucks at "classifying" their "customers!?!?

Oh well..... have a great week end!!

PS sorry for the lack of entries... I've been lazy but I promise I'll catch up.

Meeting a normal gay couple for the first time

I spent yesterday evening with a couple of gays just a bit older than me who live like 5 minutes from me by bike ( I went at their place by bike).  I met them this winter when I went at the "sugar shack" activity with the local LGBT group.  One of the guys had found me on facebook and we were saying hi once in a while.  The guy had been asking if I wanted to do somethin ( not sexually!!) with them and I had said sure.

Yesterday, during dinner, I saw that he was online on facebook and I thought I could ask them.  I did and they said sure!!  So I went there after dinner and we spent the evening chit chatting on their backyard deck.  It lasted a bit more than 2 hours and it was a really nice evening.  What I liked the most is how they just seem so normal hahahah.  I had met a couple of gay guys back when I was with Flyman.  But they were not people I would have liked to hang around with.  They were way too superficial for me.  

I'm happy to know these guys.  One of them is more shy and less inclined to do sports, but the other one is more "social" and ge would like me to initiate him to alpine skiing next winter.  Yay!!  I haven't had a skiing buddy for a few years, so if he likes it I may have found pne!!

Today I'm going at an uncle's as he invited all the family to father in and around the pool, as it is so hot!!!

Hopefully many of my cousins will be there so we could play, laugh and have a good time all around!!!

Please give me feedback on this

Guys, girls, please fulfill my attention whoreness!!

Ok, what do you think is happenning if I get hard when I start talking on phone with a (my?) man, even if it is not a sexual discussion at all!?

I have an idea of what's happening, but I want your opinion... I can't really talk about that to anyone in "real life".

My brother's successfull dating tip

Don't get wrong on the day and the guy's name!

Thanks bro :)


(apparently I see too many different guys!!)

Preparing for the 4th date with MC

We can now go back to my history with MC, and you will see why I meeded to talk about SL before continuing the story.

So if you remember, I had invited MC for dinner on a wednesday night and he had stayed again for the night.  We had planned our next date as follow: he would come at my place on Saturday evening after an event he had to attend.  He would sleep at my place and the next day we would take part together in a walk for sick kids.

I was thinking that things could go a little further that night.  So I went to the drugstore, to purchase massaging oil, lube and condoms.  I had flashes of posts by Matt and Brad about buying lube or about going to buy something for the first time.  It made me smile! I had actually already bought condoms before ( to test how to use them!) but it was easy to hise them along with other items.  This time I was only buying "sex items" , so I felt awkward!!  It went really well actually, but thank God I didn't meet anyone I know!!!

After that, I waited patiently at home.  During the evening he actually texted me to tell me that the event would last much longer than he had expected and that he would arrive late.

In the meantime, I got to chat with SL on skype again.  I don't really remember how it came to it, but he told me that he had been indeed hurt after the few dates we had together.  So far, it was no surprise for me, because he had already told me so.  But, he added that he was still hurt.  When I read these words, I felt hurt by it.  I didn't expect him to be hurt again and I was sad for him.  I also realized a few days later that maybe I had some kind of feelings for him and that is why it hurt me.  On the moment, I felt confused by it and I didn't know how I would deal with it.

Running after SL

I had seen SL 5 days out of the last 9.  I was missing him and I really needed to talk to him about our sexual compatibility.  However, I had noticed that he was much less enthousiastic in talking to me or meeting me.  We had talked about meeting the following weekend, but then he told me that he couldn't.  That weekend, at one point he was supposed to contact me and he didn't.  I was definitely mad at him.  I remember walking around in my house, on the verge of hitting or breaking something. I went into the chat room and got to talk to a few of my friends there and it helped me calm down.

I was thinking that he had dumped me before I would have finished dealing with him.  As if the grass was cut under my feet.  It ended up that he didn't want to stop evrything with me, but it seems like I am more demanding when comes time to respect arrangements than he is.  

During the next week, we chatted again on Skype, but he was still a bit distant.  I wanted to talk about my issues, but in person, not via another mean.  But he always rejected my offers.

It happened that High School guy contacted me that week.  He was available on Friday evening.  Even if It was not really over with SL, I decided to go, since it's just so complicated to have a date with High school guy.  We went to grab a dessert at a local restaurant and we had a good time.  Near the end, he said he was happy to have met me because he learned some interesting facts about me.  In opposition to what he remembered from me from high school, I looked more interesting.  So with that kind of comment I kinda understood that he was not so eager to meet me since he thought I was boring (I was a really quiet guy in high school).  I didn't make much of a big deal about it.

The next tuesday or wednesday, it had been more than 2 weeks I had not seen SL.  But he finally explained to me why he had been so distant.

I thought it was because he didn't like me. But , it was actually the opposite...  He explained that he was starting to have feelings for me.  But at the same time, the distance between us was hurting him too much.  He had experienced it with a previous boyfriend, and he said it hurt too much and he doesn't want to live that again.  I asked him why he accepted to meet me in the first place, cause I never hid my location from him.  He said that he wanted to give it a try, but he realized that he couldn't handle it.

I asked him when he realized that.  He said that it was during the week after our last date.  I said that I thought it was before that.  He asked why.  I said that the last Sunday morning when we were in bed together, that I had found him distant and that I had been actually close to telling him.  He said that he had not felt like that that morning and that it was ally after that that he realized it.

During the rest of the week, I kept repeating to him that I wanted to see him again so we could talk.  I still wanted to talk to him about the sex issues, cause I had the feeling that he was maybe not totally honest with me and with himself about it.  I was thinking (for more reasons than I have already mentionned on this blog) that he may not fully accept being gay.  So this is definitely a topic I wanted to address with him.

He agreed to come see me on friday evening.  He would arrive at around 5PM and leave around 11PM.  I told him he could stay for the night, that we could share the bed without doing anything naughty.  He kept repeating that he wanted to go back home the same evening.  He arrived as promised.  I had wanted to prepare dinner, but it was so hot that day, I had no intention to turn the oven on.  So we chatted a bit and we went to a restaurant.  As usual, we had a good time.  I even noticed a guy from the dating site at a table nearby.  He was real cute and had nice hairy legs :). I told SL about him, but I told him that I remembered his profile and that it said that he was not interested in anyone over 25. So I knew I was out of the loop!!

After that we went shopping for something to fix his AC. ( it was really needed on that hot weekend).  We had fun shopping together, even if I usually hate shopping.  After that we went back home and went rollerblading.  I really had a good time and I felt good with him.  After the run, we were back home and chilled there a bit before he said he would leave.  I again offered him to stay for the night, but he was determined to leave.  I really wanted to cuddle him or get closer to him, but I didn't since I knew he didn't want that.  He wanted us to stay friends, so anything more than a friendship move would not be a good idea if I didn't want to hurt him.

I ended up not talking to him about sex, because we were such in a good mood, I didn't want to ruin it.  Also, since we were not dating anymore, I didn't feel like it was so important to talk about it so rapidly.  I decided that I would wait for a good moment for it to happen.

It is the next day that I met MC on the dating site and actually met him that night.  The day after that he came at my place.  I had 2 different guys visit me in 3 days, I really wonder if my neighbours think I'm a whore LOL.

What happened to be my last date with SL

On Thursday evening, when I was chatting with SL, I told him: "You fool, you forgot your toothbrush here!!!"  He replied: "Oh no, it's a spare one I figured I could let it at your place!"  How nice was that LOL

We set up our next date for Saturday evening and Sunday. I was to go at his place (was my turn to do the road)  I arrived there around 6 I think.  We went for dinner in a Subway and we just basically had fun the whole time.  After that we went to the video store and we rented a horror movie.  Back at his place we watched the movie, but he didn't want to cuddle because he says he doesn't like to cuddle during a horror movie!! Oh well!!  After the movie, we went to bed and got intimate again hehe. 

I forgot to say in th eoprevious post:  He doesn't like being caressed a lot, especially where there is hair involved ( his chest, lower belly and armpits)  Me?? I just love to caress, especially where there is hair involved...  So it was a bit of a fight for him to let me caress him.  I also like nipple play but he doesn't... so I was a bit sad about that.  Anyways, I tried again that night and he had not changed his position about that.  We again did some jacking off, but like with Flyman, I couldn't hold it, so I was really disappointed again...  Actually he put some lube on my "apparatus" and it is actually not something that gets me more excited, so I guess I knew right away that it could be problematic so it didn't help at all!!  (Am I the only one who doesn't like that??)

Next morning, I woke up early again and tried to cuddle him.  However, he was much less responsive than usual.  I did try a few times without success.  Just holding him... but it didn't work.  I was really disappointed.  I was even more disappointed when he got up and went to take his shower.  I was laying there in his bed, wondering what was happening.  When he came back, I was about to ask him why he was so distant. But, he did cuddle up with me, so I thought that he just needed a shower.  We actually started jerking each other off again and this time I "managed" to blow.  LOL my body is tough with me!!

After that I took a shower and we spent some time at his place before going for lunch.  We had a great time again.  After that, we went rollerblading together and it was super fun again.  Well, for me at least, because he is so much better than I am, so he had to go much slower than he is used to because of me.  It lasted at between 30 minutes and an hour.  As it was my first time in 2 years I had made that sport, my old back was hurt for the next 3 days!!  We then went for an ice cream and again, it was super pleasant.  I had to leave around 3PM because I had dinner at my parents.  I really really enjoyed my day and I was looking for more of SL during the next days and he showed a lot of enthousiasm as well.

However, he mentionned something for the first time during that date and it got me by surprise.  So much (and because it is a delicate topic) , that I couldn't talk to him about it right away. I had to take time to think about it.  I won't enter in the details, but he told me that he doesn't like any kind of anal sex.  Since I do not see why I wouldn't want that as a part of my sex life (even if I can almost say Im a virgin, so I don't know if I like it or not), it could have become a bit problematic.  So, I felt that I needed to talk about that to him as soon as possible, in person.

My first night at SL's and how his toothbrush found its way in my bathroom

Before going further in my story with MC, I have to finish the story with SL. 

To sum up what I have already written about him (gee my blog is getting so unchronological, even I had a hard time to re-do the chronolgy of what I wrote about him) ; here is a small recap:

Saturday morning: I start chatting with him on dating site

Saturday evening: we have dinner and go see a movie

Sunday morning: we chat again

Sunday evening: he comes at my house and we chat a long time.  He leaves and I wonder if I made enough to make him like me.  While on the road, he texts me and I know he is still interested.

Monday evening: I go at his place and intend to sleep there.

Monday night: still to cover (in this post!!)

Wednesday evening and night: still to cover (in this post)

Thursday morning: he leaves his toothbrush at my place.

Following 2 weeks: still to cover (in next post)

The Tuesday after that: realization that it won't work with him (the post "Sometimes)

OK, so since it was a while back, unfortunately I may forget a few interesting parts,but you will get the picture!.

My first night at SL's

I had arrived there quite late, between 9 and 10.  We watched a bit of a hockey game.  After that we watched a stupid TV show and we were watching it laying cuddling one behind the other on his couch. It was actually the first time we had got closer so it was real nice.  When we got to bed, we were kinda exploring each other's upper buddy (we didn't go down the waist) and it was nice as well.  I don't think we kissed. I told him that I was shy to kiss and he said it was the same for him.  It had been a few months since I had cuddled like that and it was nice to do it again.  Needless to say I didn't sleep a lot that night!  His bed was not super comfortable, I was sleeping at a new place, beside a super hot guy, so no, I couldn't find sleep LOL.

The next morning, we were both awake before the alarm clock rang, so he took that opportunity to caress each other again.  I think he onced put his hand on my package very quickly, but I didn't do the same!  When the alarm rang, I couldn't get up immediately because I didn't want him to see how excited I was hahahah.  But it turns out that he never stopped caressing me so it never got any smaller....  at one point I really had to get up so I try to hide it but I'm pretty sure he saw it anyways.  I prepared to leave and I think we simply hugged when I left.  I had 1h15 of road to do before arriving home , shower and have breakfast and then go to work, but it was all worth it.

The toothbrush

I dont remember if it was Tuesday evening or early wednesday evening that SL told me he would come see me again.  He was saying that since I had done all that road on a weeknight for him, he should do the same.  And lucky him he started work around 11 the next morning so he had a nice buffer.

I dont remember much from that evening.  We watched again the same stupid shows while cuddling.  Then we went to bed.  This time, he started exploring a bit further down on me.  Politeness obliges, I did the same :)  At one point, I was having his "apparatus" in my hand and it seemed odd to me.  I asked: "Are you cut?" He said yes.  It was the first time I was touching that LOL (Not that I have touched many... I guess only 2: mine and Flyman's prior to that and we are but uncut).  We didn't really do much more than touching and caressing that night.  We then agreed to sleep, but I didn't sleep a lot that time either!

Next morning, we were both awake early and we continued out play from the night before...  I'm blushing for what I'm going to write next, but anyways....  We were wanking each other out and I made him blow.  First time that this happened to me.  I had not succeded doing that with Flyman.  I have to admit I was really happy about it!  Unforatunately once that done, he lost interest in continuing for my own pleasure, so it ended there.  I took my shower and when I came out of the bathroom, he only wanted to brush his teeth and pee before leaving. So I let him do his stuff and then he left.

Its only when I was brushing my teeth later that morning that I spotted his toothbrush in my toothbrush holder.  I couldn't help but smile and think that things were getting interesting!!

I didn't focus on this in this post, but during these dates, we continued having a great time together and getting along very well.  We shared a common sense of humor and I definitely felt closer to him averytime we would meet or chat.

Surprise after the third date!

Thursday afternnon, I was at work and during a break, I went to see my facebook.

To my surprise, MC had written something very personal on his page.

He wrote a love letter to me, but not mentionning my name, for all of his friends to see what was happening in his life.

He went into a lot of detail, explaining what we did in our first 3 dates and how he feels about me and why he loves me.

Sure, it is nice to know all that, but I was relly shocked, but not necessarily in a bad way.  He confirmed in his post that he does like me, that it is true and that he hopes we will build something together.

Luckily he didn't tag me or I would have been embarassed lol.  But I guess it's OK.  I'm not really afraid of his feelings even if I don't have them for him.  I just hope that he can understand that and that it won't be a problem in the short term.  I simply want to continue seeing him and go out together and also be more intimate.  But I don't want to rush anything. As always I want to go with the flow.  But I hink he is ok with that!  I guess he is just much more of a " fast lover " and likes to share with his friends all what is happening in his life ( while I prefer to do it on an anonymous blog hahaha)

Stay tuned for the next date on Saturday evening and Sunday.

Third date with MC

I decided to invite MC for dinner on wednesday night.  I didn't have much time to prepare food, so I went to the grocery store to buy dessert and wine and back home, I prepared hamburger and a salad.  When he arrived I was still preparing food, so we started chatting in the kitchen.  It was kinda funny because we had not kissed or touch each other yet.  After a small while, he grabbed me and we started making out.  It was already dark outside, so anybody who could have walked in the streets could have seen us, but I didn't care! ( I actually don't know if someone saw us) I had forgotten to buy ketchup, so as it is the only condiment I put in my hamburgers, it was kinda necessary! So we went together at the grocery store to buy it.  Back home, we started eating and it was really nice.  We still don't always something to talk about ( we are both not the most extrovert guys). But I took these moments to just look at him :)

After the meal, we went in the living room to watch a movie.  I had been at Jack's before going to the grocery store to borrow him a few movies.  I told him that I had invited a guy over and that I had planned to watch a movie during the evening.  sadly he didn't really ask any question.  I was eager to tell him more, but I guess it will be for another time.

We watched the movie laying side by side on the couch, and I have to admit that we missed a few parts of the movie LOL.  After the movie ended, we made out again for a long time on the couch.  Then, when we decided to go to bed ( way past 11) , he went to take a shower and I waited for him in my bed. When he came back, he joined me in bed and , guess what, we cuddled and kissed more.  

He actually initiated a bit of " dirty stuff" when he removed my dick from my boxers.  There is no need for me to elaborate a lot but we played there as well LOL.  At one point he asked me if i wanted to do it, but I said no, as I was not "there".  He was totally OK with that.  It was 2AM when we decided to call it a night, as I had set the alarm clock for 6AM the next morning.

Next mornning, when the alarm rang, we kissed and cuddled more haha and also played a bit down there!  Aftr 30 minutes I had to go take my shower so I left him again.  When I came back he had done the bed again.  I quickly had breakfast while he took a shower.  We were both ready to leave at the same time.  We kissed again in the stairs ( but this time I was clothed, so it was less sensual haha) and went outside together.  We kissed again in my driveway, and it was my first PDA ever!  I actually don't know if my neighbours saw me, but I have to admit it felt weird!

Oh!!

After the movie the night before, he had told me twice that he loved me.  Back outside on thursday morning, he said it again.  As I didn't really how to react ( and because I don't have the same feelings for him! ) I simply kissed him.  I thought that it was really early to say such a thing, but I didn't got bothered or anything, I just hope that he understands that I am not that fast to have these feelings.